By now you’ve probably seen Sofia Vergara on the cover of Esquire for their sex issue, and this makes sense because any sensible straight man would like to have sex with Sofia Vergara. But when you write about sex every week, you notice when other writers aren’t used to writing about sex. The most obvious entry in the issue is by Chris Jones, a brilliant writer who contributed 300 words about women who are bad in bed and subsequently got his words twisted in a tasteless smear by Gawker. (For what it’s worth, Jones isn’t wrong: women can be bad in bed, and the fact that he calls upon sexual memories a decade or more old isn’t substantially different than what I do here every week.)

More egregious, to me, is an article titled The Demise of the Blowjob, a con job of a headline for a poorly-argued article that’s more about the rise of men performing cunnilingus. Heaven forbid equal rights extend to oral sex! Of course, that can’t touch the ode to cheating written by Lisa Taddeo, a testament to human shittiness that was already obliterated by Lindy West.

The lessons: (1) let the best writers on the planet work on 5000-word stories, and (2) discussions of sex are more intelligent when you do it more than once a year.

Football: Do you think Tim Tebow understands the havoc he wreaks on a football team? Do you think he could stop it in any way or is he just the shining beacon for old white sports writers to project their hopes onto? How soon do the boo birds break Nacho?

I don’t think Tebow sees the attention he gets as a bad thing. I sincerely believe that his biggest concern is being a good Christian and spreading God’s love. Sure, he’s media-savvy, he’s a “competitor” (as if other pro athletes aren’t), and he has glaring faults as a traditional NFL quarterback. But whatever attention he gets — in his mind — is a positive thing. Not for him, but for God.

Evangelical Christians are weird.

Sexy: I’m breaking up with my girlfriend of 2 years. A year ago she put the screws to me and we moved in together (I’d agreed to it early in the relationship in passing and didn’t realize that she was serious. I tried to balk she threatened to break up).

Oh no! She might have saved you a year of your life!

Though mostly good, I just got worn out. Lately we couldn’t hang out together without getting into petty fights about attention, I felt scolded too often. She wanted to get more serious, I wanted to remain in a monogamous committed relationship, but put my ambition towards my work and let all the couple-y stuff happen has it does. Blah blah blah. My question: Have you ever seen anyone successfully walk back a relationship or take a break and get back together long term?

Yes, but I’ll let you ramble on a bit more before I go into detail.

I love this girl, she’s cute, she cooks, cleans, my family loves her, her sunny personality is a nice counter to my somewhat aloof personality, sex is pretty good, she’d make an excellent wife, mother, partner. I’m just not ready/not focused on thinking about forever right now. I’m not a person who believes that soul mates and true love and all that (you just haven’t met the right one yet, they say), she’s a quality girl and I don’t want her to get away but I also am in no place to commit anything more than I’ve so far. Would it be a dick move a year or two from now to come back and try again (conditional to her being available) with my priorities shifted?
-He Hate Me

I went to a wedding last summer where the couple dated in college, broke up for a while, then got back together and dated for several more years before getting engaged. They seem pretty happy.

I also have a friend who moved to NYC from California a couple years back, and his girlfriend came East with him. They moved in together, and their relationship went downhill — my friend couldn’t handle not having his own space. They broke up, and she went back to California for the summer. Then she came back to NYC, got her own apartment, and they started dating again. A couple years later, they’re still together (and living apart).

Of course, generally speaking, breaking up is not the best harbinger for a relationship’s long-term success. But if you need to keep that candle lit in order to go through with the break-up, rest assured: there are precedents.

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Captain,
Football Stuff: I’ve been invited to join a league for this season where most of the players are relatively new (no keepers, no auction, PPR = 0.5). Should I be merciless during the draft or take it easy on people who will mostly choose based on their favorite team? Side note: As a Falcons fan, I almost wish we had a player that could be a recurring character on the site. Guess I’ll have to wait for another heart attack.

I think it depends on how stupid the picks are. It’s one thing to say (or type, if it’s an online draft), “Reach!” or “Total homer pick” a couple times; something like “LOL you are AWFUL at drafting!” is taking it to another level. I try to limit myself to one or two of the more barbed comments per draft — after all, you don’t want to be such an asshole that everybody rushes to rub it in your face when your #1 pick goes down with a torn ACL in Week 1.

Not-Really Sexy Stuff: Last week in the column, a reader had a question regarding going to the Big Easy for a wedding and you told him to man up, ditch his current woman and have fun at the wedding.

That’s paraphrasing. I would never tell anyone to “man up.”

I have a similar question as I have a cousin who’s getting married at the end of June in Vegas, minus the woman problems. Said cousin has yet to mail out invitations or save the date cards and has just been telling people via facebook and text when she and her fiance are headed out to get hitched. I’m not a fan of Las Vegas, but can afford to go there for a few days to spend with whatever other family decides to go. Should I be expecting something more formal for a 2nd wedding for both parties? I’m kind of lost on this one as no one other than my Dad (who loves gambling) is even remotely excited.
Thanks,
No Moral Compass Allowed in Vegas

Who needs family in Vegas? Just invite your sluttiest female acquaintance, then spend four days gambling and drinking poolside and fucking in the shower. No fancy invitation necessary.

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Señor Caveman,
I’ve dated my girl for almost 5 years, since senior year of college (making us both 26). We don’t live together, mainly because I don’t want to (you’re cramping my style kind of thing). Therefore, it goes without saying that I am in zero rush to marry, and I think she gets that for the most part. We have fun, and I want to continue having fun, but I am DEADLY terrified of committing to living together. Of course, I’ve been getting full-court pressure recently to move in together because our leases are up in a few months.

After only five years of dating? Slow down, Shotgun Betty!

I just don’t want to move in with her just yet for two reasons: first, I have a sweet living situation with my bros (just sayin’); second, there are things that I would like for her to change before I commit (yeah, yeah, nobody’s perfect, but you’re crazy if you think that there’s people out there who you’ll fall in love with where you don’t want them to change). Three, in particular, are of utmost importance.

  1. More booty – We’re at twice a month, which makes me and my little burrito sad.
  2. Learn spanish - Yo soy mexicano y ella no habla español. It’s like, yeah you and I can speak English to each other, but I’ve got family and friends and I want to be able to take you home and you not be the annoying American that doesn’t deign learn a new language. This has been quite an issue in our relationship already, by the way, and the fact that five years in, she’s still not bilingual pisses me off.
  3. Be more social – This kind of goes with the spanish thing. I hang out with a lot of Mexican kids and she simply refuses to accompany me to anything because she can’t talk to anyone (although everyone speaks English, it’s just the excuse she uses). She’s a shy person, but I’m very outgoing…and I’d like my life-long partner to be a little outgoing as well.

Am I crazy for asking her to do these things for me before I give her what she wants, which is to move in? Kinda feel like if she knocked it out of the park with these things, I’d skip cohab and go straight to putting a ring on it.
-Cohab & Cambria

“If she were a different person, I’d totally want to marry her!”

You’re 26 and you’ve dated the same person since college. The person you’ve dated for five years hasn’t learned the (incredibly easy) language your family speaks, isn’t as outgoing as the person you envision marrying, and has sex with you twice a month. That’s not an almost-great relationship; it’s an unsatisfying one. You just don’t recognize it as such because you’ve never had a relationship that makes you excited about the prospect of living with the person you love.

I’m not sure if you’re familiar with how adult relationships work, but two people in a relationship generally don’t start having MORE sex with each other (my assumed exceptions: older man gets Viagra, woman gets boob job). If you’re 26 and only having sex with your girlfriend twice a month, spoiler alert: neither of you are having that much fun.

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Dear KSK,
I’ve been married to my wife for almost two years now, and we dated for 10 years before getting married. We are both 29 currently, and I’ve loved her since we first started seeing each other. Before we were married, and almost a full year into our marriage, my wife worked as a hotel receptionist full time with some of those shifts being at night. This gave me a few nights a week to do as I pleased and have some “me” time.

A little over a year ago my wife decided to change her life and went back to school to learn a trade. She finished school in January and now works full time at a dental office. I couldn’t be happier for her. However, her new job is Monday-Friday with no night shifts. This leaves me with no more “me” time. Needless to say I’m having a hard time adjusting to this and we constantly argue when I ask to spend some time alone a few times a month.

I’m not sneaking around, and she’s never accused me of anything like that. However, the things I’m into (golf, playing poker, going to craft beer festivals) don’t interest her in the least, and she always gives me grief whenever I ask her about doing one of them.

It’s no secret that a lot of men like golf and poker and beer festivals BECAUSE women don’t like them. I’m on your side here, but it’s not like you picked the most wife-friendly hobbies.

I ask to go to a beer festival and she calls me an alcoholic. I ask to go play poker and she calls me a gambling addict.

Charming.

I tried to work something out where I am only with her for two consecutive weekends, and then go out alone for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday. She said no. I’ve asked her to join me at the aforementioned events. She said she doesn’t care for those things and won’t go. Of course this doesn’t stop her from getting mad at me every time I go alone. She has no hobbies of her own, and her only friends are the wives of my guy friends that she met through me. My wife is big on “quality time” and if I’m not by her side every moment of my spare time she gets a little frustrated.

I love my wife with all my heart, but she is holding me back from being happy. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?
-Beer Baron

Anyone who’s ever dated or been married to a codependent person can recognize the symptoms immediately — it’s insecurity disguised as love. John Steinbeck described it well in a letter to his son:

There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

A successful relationship isn’t two people sharing every moment together; it’s two individuals working together to support each other’s happiness. Unfortunately, your wife seems to have a different point of view than I do, so there’s not a whole lot I can do about this. I’d recommend some couples therapy from a licensed professional. Perhaps a disinterested third party can convince your wife that not only do you need to time to yourself, but that she needs the same.

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Captain-
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two years now. First year was almost entirely long distance, but since then, we’ve been in the same city for about a year, seeing each other very frequently. The first year sucked, but we made it work, and I think our relationship is stronger because of it. Since we’ve been physically in the same place, things are phenomenal.

We’re both in difficult places in our lives. She’s just out of college and is still trying to figure out the whole “working world” situation. I’m about to head off to med school in the fall. Chances are we cannot end up in the same physical location again. Having done long distance before, I hope we can make it work. 

“Hope is not a course of action.” –every Marine instructor I ever had

I’m most concerned about time allocation. School is going to beyond strenuous. We made our first round of long-distance love work because we both could set aside an hour every night to talk, catch up, and skype (I totally agree with you, best luxury of this generation). I don’t know if the same time allotment will be possible next year. She’s great, and deserves all the happiness in the world. I’m just not sure I can give it to her. We both care about our careers and each other. Were I finished with school, I would propose immediately. But alas, we’re both too young and unstable for that type of commitment. I really want to try to make this work, I’m just not sure how fair it would be to either of us. I don’t want to throw this away. Do you think this is something that could feasibly work?

No. Well, maybe. It can work if you’re both willing to live unhappy and unsatisfying personal lives for the next several years. Me, I’d rather just break up and try to revisit when you’re both better-equipped to live a life together (see above).

And if so, what kind of tips do you have for making it work?
-Anonymous

Trust the fuck out of each other, and get used to being unhappy with how little time you spend together.

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El Capitan,
Fantasy First: I’m in a 12-team league, 6pt passing TDs, and we start RB/RB/WR/WR/flex. I have a draft strategy that I tend to follow: load up on RBs early then address WRs next, draft multiple value QBs (the likes of Roethlisberger, Ryan, Eli, Schaub) to platoon, and always get my TE in the last few rounds. In related news, I haven’t finished in the money since I won the title in 2005. Is my draft strategy outdated,

No! It’s working great!

or should I keep what I’m doing and simply focus on better draft execution/sleeper research/in-season roster management? If you think my draft strategy is holding me back, how would your approach the draft with those settings?

Drafting by position is folly. You need to assign a numerical rank to the top 150 players or so, then take the best available player. You’re better off getting Aaron Rodgers or Calvin Johnson in the first round than, say, the 7th best fantasy running back. Hell, you’re in a league with 6-point passing touchdowns: the fact that you haven’t picked up on the necessity of taking a top-flight QB in the first two rounds sometime during the last seven years suggests that you may have brain damage.

Sexy time: I got very lucky recently and fell into a friends-with-benefits situation. We’ve been friends since college, and she’s been single for the past six months after getting out of a five-year relationship. A group of us went out for New Years, and we banged it out after both of us got drunk and she confided that she always thought I was cute. We’ve been hooking up for the past few months and the sex has been great; I was a late bloomer, so outside of a couple one-night stands, this is my first prolonged sexual experience and I want to keep things going smoothly.

I told her early on that I don’t want to date, and got the same response from her. We openly talk about other people we’ve gone on dates with, she usually doesn’t spend the night, and she doesn’t leave a toothbrush or anything like that at my place. I trust that she’s being honest when she says she’s OK with just being friends (because I definitely am). When we don’t hook up, our pattern of hanging out/talking on the phone is the same before this started on New Years. When she comes over we’ll watch TV or eat some dinner, and afterwords we’ll talk in bed or surf the internet on my laptop – I’m trying to say that it’s more than a get-in, get-out booty call, and as I type all of this out it sounds like we’re acting like a couple on the nights that we hook up, even though I have no interest in dating her.

If I’m overthinking this, I apologize. I just want to give enough details to get some feedback on whether my situation is pretty typical since I’m new to this. Any rules of thumb or words of wisdom to go by in friends-with-benefits situations? Thanks a bunch CC,
Getting Ass in Austin

Enjoy it now, because it won’t last forever. Friends-with-benefits only goes on so long before someone develops feelings and/or wants some kind of emotional commitment. This is one of the few things that is true both in life and in romantic comedies.

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Dear CC,
Football: Not in a keeper, finished 5th last year in a PPR even with Brees, Jimmmy Graham and Michael Turner. Stevie Johnson was too streaky and Blount never got anything going. I guess my question is if you have any receiver recommendations for next year?

I’m fond of a couple of guys named Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. But you were probably looking for more of a secret breakout guy like Jordy Nelson or Victor Cruz were in 2011, huh? Well, I don’t have the insight for that kind of stuff — and I wouldn’t gamble with guesses until training camp/preseason — but I’ll give you my quick opinions on some of the top fantasy receivers right now:

Highly rated with good reason and unlikely to drop off in 2012:
• Calvin Johnson
• Larry Fitzgerald
• Wes Welker
• Mike Wallace
• A.J. Green
• Greg Jennings
• Victor Cruz
• Hakeem Nicks

Potentially overrated:
• Jordy Nelson — Put up great numbers in 2011, but he’s still not a first option, and his whiteness means other fantasy owners will overvalue him.
• Dez Bryant — Solid red zone performance but zero 100-yard games in 2011.
• Any receiver on a new team with a mediocre quarterback (lookin’ at you, Vincent Jackson).

Potential breakout performers
• Kenny Britt. Pro: A monster when he’s healthy. Con: never healthy.
• Percy Harvin. Likely to benefit from Ponder’s additional year of experience; nice added value running the ball.
• Torrey Smith.
• Any Bronco WR.

Obviously, this list is nowhere close to comprehensive — I left off big names like Steve Smith and Roddy White and Dwayne Bowe — but that’s my quick take on some of the bigger names that will get buzz come fantasy draft time.

Sex: Do you have any advice for a virgin? I’m a HS senior and kinda worried about going into college with no experience. I’ve had a couple hookups and did experience some college parties through football recruiting trips but I’m kinda nervous. (I’m not playing in college).
Sincerely,
ManningFace

Don’t sweat it. Sex is much easier to have in college, what with the lack of parents and easier access to booze. Besides, you’ve still got the rest of this semester and all summer to stumble into getting laid. If it can happen for losers like me and everyone in the comments, it can happen for you, too.

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Football: This will be my first year doing an auction instead of a typical snake draft. I’m inclined to go studs and duds and then hope to upgrade roster spots in free agency. Any tips?

Not really. Auction drafts require a lot more knowledge and strategy than standard snake drafts, and therefore do not interest me. I don’t like studying.

Sex: I’m a 26 year old, closeted, bisexual guy. I generally prefer women, and if I’m walking down the street, I’m much more likely to take a second look at an attractive woman than I am at an attractive male. But there’s no question that I occasionally crave some dick. If I had to split my “bi-ness” I’d say I’m 85-90% into women, and 10-15% into men. In the past, I’ve had both real relationships, casual relationships, and just hookups with women. With guys, I’ve only had hookups and never been interested in a relationship.

One of the guys in my dorm freshman year of college insisted that sexuality was a shifting spectrum; if I remember correctly, he varied from 85% to 95% hetero, and I remember a comment along the lines of “some days you’re gayer than others.” His name was John, and he touched his balls a lot.

I’ve never had much of an issue or internal conflict about keeping my bi side closeted, because I’ve always envisioned myself eventually settling down with a woman. But I recently started hooking up with this guy who is absolutely awesome in every respect and satisfies almost everything I would want in a long-term partner, except the part about being a woman.

Minor detail.

At this point, we’ve certainly crossed over the line from hooking up to casual relationship. If this were a woman with all of the same qualities, we’d already be in a real, committed relationship.

I’m inclined to just break the whole thing off right now, before I get even more attached and things get messier. I guess my question is, would that be shallow/immature/superficial/stupid?

Yes/no/maybe. A more pressing question, I think, is “Can you fully accept being bisexual and truly be happy with this person?” If you can’t be happy with him, then it doesn’t really matter if you’re enlightened/open-minded or shallow/immature.

Personally, as someone who first considered himself ready for marriage at age 24 and who is now getting married a decade later, I can assure you that it’s not exactly easy to find a suitably attractive person who understands and trusts you, and can turn you on and make you laugh. If that guy does all those things for you, you should give it some serious thought before you call it off. I mean, if the person that made me happy and horny was a dude, then I guess I’d be thankful New York approved gay marriage. Of course, I don’t give a fuck what people think.

Relevant.

(I sure would miss tits, though.)

Not being able to check off the “female” box in the checklist of things I want in a long term partner is a pretty big deal. It means no kids (at least of our own), being treated/perceived differently, and a whole lot more. Oh yeah, and coming out to everyone I know, which is a big fucking deal.

Or not.

Also, assuming I do break this off (which I probably will), what is my obligation to tell the future Mrs. that I used to fuck men?
Bye,
Bi

It depends on the Mrs., I think. I would guess that it’s hard enough for the average woman to know that her partner desires women he sees on the street; some are likely to crack worrying about you being attracted to men as well. Others may be turned off by the idea that you’ve had homosexual intercourse, while another subset of women will be turned on by it. And of course there’s always the chance that your partner learns of your past by chance, and then it’s all, “Why did you hide this from me?”

I recognize that there are compelling reasons to keep your gay dalliances under wraps, but I hit a conceptual roadblock when I try to say something along the lines of, “Yes, keep secrets about your sexuality from your hypothetical prospective wife.” It runs counter to my taste for honesty.