Mark Sanchez: It sure is nice of you to drop by for an unannounced visit, Coach Dungy.
Tony Dungy: Yes, well I wish the feeling were mutual young man, but rest assured I am here today only at the request of a dear, dear friend.
Sanchez: Really? Who?
Dungy: Oh, ho ho! You’re not getting that out of me so easily, young man. Suffice it to say, I am here to serve as proxy to a very, very important person.
Sanchez: (excited) Stephen Sondheim?!
Sanchez: Twyla Tharp? Nathan Lane? Rodgers & Hammerstein?
Dungy: NO ONE IN THE MUSICAL THEATER INDUSTRY.
Dungy: That industry is filled with sexual deviants and mindless secular poppycock! No, I answer to a far higher calling than that. Now, though it pains me to set foot within these walls once more, I shall have to take a look around the premises in order to give my mystery colleague a proper evaluation.
Sanchez: Well, I think you’ll find that the place is spic and span!
Dungy: Oh, really? Then what are these?
Sanchez: Uh… scalps.
Dungy: Why are there dried human scalps in your locker room?
Sanchez: Coach says they bring good luck.
Dungy: Hmm mmm. And this?
It would appear to be a pot. A pot filled with MONEY, no? Perhaps for games of chance, or something else far more sinister?
Sanchez: That’s just Santonio’s money bucket. He uses that instead of a wallet.
Dungy: Hmm mmm. I see. And what about this?
Sanchez: Oh, I think that was a decoration leftover from our Halloween party.
Dungy: Yes, well I certainly agree with penalizing for queerness. But you know, call me crazy, but I dare say all this appears to be evidence of some kind of institutionalized bounty system, no?
Sanchez: Oh, no! No, sir!
Dungy: Do you know what would happen to THE LEAGUE were someone to stumble upon evidence of a bounty program? It would change EVERYTHING, young man. It would fundamentally alter the course of history, with reverberations echoing through the next THOUSAND generations. Do you understand the complete and utter seriousness of something this serious?
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Dungy: We must protect THE LEAGUE. And frankly, I’m not sure your head coach is up to the task. He seems to have lost control of this institution, has he not? Player fights. Finger-pointing. Randomly assigned captaincies. Hmph. I’m not surprised, tell you the truth. I knew it was only a matter of time before Coach Ryan’s brand of lawlessness would be the downfall of you and your pitiful little ballclub. You can only get by so long on violent platitudes and empty acts of sinning. Soon, your true character is revealed! And so it shall be today as I continue this inspection.
Sanchez: You can’t bring us down, sir! We’re stronger than you think! And we have good people on this team. Character guys! No matter what you say to the Commissioner!
Dungy: We shall see.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
(single tumbleweed blows between them)
(rattlesnake rattles in the distance)
Dungy: We meet again.
Dungy: Don’t you have something to say to me?
Sanchez: Don’t say anything, Coach! He’s here to rat you out to Goodell!
Dungy: SILENCE YOUNG IMMIGRANT.
Ryan: Now calm down there, El Shitbox. That’s you new nickname, by the way, Nacho.
Ryan: I do have something to say to the Dunge, and here it is… (gives Dungy a big hug) IT’S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, DEAR FRIEND!
Ryan: Can I bring you something to drink? Maybe some grape juice? My wife makes it from scratch. She crushes the grapes herself with her feet! Sometimes, I think about her gorgeous feet, putting a hurt on all those defenseless grapes, and I just wanna…
Dungy: Say no more!
Ryan: How about a caffeine free soda and pamphlet outlining Rick Santorum’s plan for America?
Dungy: Well, I’d quite like that!
Sanchez: What is going on here? Why are you being nice to him?
Ryan: Oh, El Shitbox. I’ve always loved The Dunge! RIGHT, DUNGE? We may have had our squabbles, but rest assured those were all fights between brothers! We’re so different, but we’re also so ALIKE, am I right, amigo?
Ryan: Let me show you around the facility, Dunge! I’ve set up a special Bible Study room just for you to catch up on your Leviticus!
Dungy: Yes, but what about all these WANTED posters? And the pot of money? And this list of KILL SHOT prices?
Ryan: Oh, those? Those were part of our new anti-bounty seminar! We want our players to know EXACTLY where the line between clean play and dirty is. Right, Shitbox? You shitty, horrible QB?
Sanchez: I’m so confused.
Dungy: And what of the stripper parties? And your designation of every Thursday as SLUT DAY? And what of all the cattle brands I once saw lying around here?
Ryan: All gone, Dunge!
Sanchez: That’s not true. You said this Thursday would be the biggest Slut Day of a…
Ryan: Can it! OR I CALL THE I.N.S. AND HAVE YOU SENT BACK TO BRAZILUELA!
Dungy: So no more lechery?
Ryan: It’s a new dawn, Coach! You be sure to tell your special little friend that we have our house in order!
Sanchez: Why do you care so much about pleasing the commissioner? Oh! Is it so he won’t suspend you over the bount…
(see stinkeye from Dungy)
…iful brave boasts you’ve made on our behalf?
Ryan: What? The commissioner? Who said anything about him? I hope that red pussylobe walks onto into the middle of Fifth Avenue and kisses the front of a moving cement mixer. FUCK THAT GASH.
Sanchez: Well, wait a second. If Coach Dungy isn’t here on behalf of the commissioner, then who sent him?
Sanchez: GASP! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I know what’s going on here! He’s here for MANNING! Dungy’s sizing us up for his old QB! (turns to Ryan) And YOU want him! You’re gonna give him my job! Oh my God! I feel so betrayed! You said I was your quarterback! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
Ryan: Dunge, you mind if I spend a moment alone with my quarterback?
Dungy: Do what you must.
Ryan: Take a walk with me, Nacho.
You know, Shitbox. There comes a time in every football player’s life when he finally realizes that he’s outlived his usefulness, because his coach starts ignoring him and not caring about him.
Sanchez: What does that mean, Coach?
Ryan: (walks away)
Sanchez: Wait a second! You just ignored me! YOU’RE SAYING THIS IS THAT MOMENT FOR ME, AREN’T YOU?
Ryan: Do you hear anything, Dunge? Because I feel like there might be a fly in the room or something.
Dungy: Your transparent ploy to curry favor with me, and your gross insensitivity to your admittedly lacking quarterback will NOT win you an audience with my former protege.
Ryan: OH, COME ON, DUNGE! You oval-headed freak! I NEED THIS! How am I supposed to win games with that?!
(points to Sanchez)
Ryan: Have you seen him throw the ball? It’s like fucking sprinkler system! I NEED THE OLD MAN BACK THERE!
Dungy: What’s in it for me, Coach Ryan? Why should I suddenly smile upon you and your grotesque exploits?
Ryan: Oh, I’ll tell you why. Because you don’t wanna get a Ryan boy mad, Dunge. You tell your boy to go to Miami, and I promise you that he will see the bottom of HELL twice next year. There’s not gonna be any mercy. THERE’S NOT GONNA BE A DROP OF BLOOD LEFT IN HIS PASTY BODY.
Dungy: Are you suggesting you’ll place a bounty on his head?
Ryan: I won’t need to. My men don’t need money. They don’t need any extra incentive to MAIM and KILL and DESTROY and THIRST FOR LIQUIFIED BABY HEARTS. You think your boy has neck pain now? WE WILL RIP OFF HIS FUCKING HEAD AND STUFF IT FULL OF AIDS-LACED DYNAMITE. We will wrench out his knees and plant spider eggs inside. We will choke the flow of blood to his cock using his own intestines. And we’ll do it for FREE. No $500 bonus needed. So you tell your man that. You tell him that the Jets help their friends and STABRAPE THEIR ENEMIES. You hear me?
Dungy: I think I’ve heard plenty.
Ryan: PLEASE, Godboy! Tell him he can be captain RIGHT AWAY! I need this! You know what losing does to me? It eats me up! I haven’t banged my wife’s toes in WEEKS! I can’t eat on the shitter anymore! MY LOVE HANDLE HAIR IS SHEDDING! I need that old fart, god dammit! Do you know that Chad Henne is our Plan B? CHAD HENNE! Chad Henne is an anal wart!
Dungy: Well, I suppose I could relay the messa…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Dunge is gonna get me a real quarterback for once in my life! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Dungy on ass, HARD)
Sanchez: Hey! You used to slap my ass like that.
Ryan: Oh you’re still here?
Sanchez: Shouldn’t we bring it in and get all fired up or something?
Ryan: Oh, I’ll do that with all our GOOD players later. For now, you should practice carrying this clipboard and sitting on the bench with your head down. I gotta go take a shit. I put a bounty on the end stall, and damn if I ain’t gonna collect! Show yourself out, EL SHITBOX!
Sanchez: (sheds single tear)
I want more like this!
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