You might have heard that the Mega Millions jackpot has now ballooned to $640 million. You might have also heard that you’re not going to win. Diddums. Chris Singleton has it locked up. Nevertheless, it’s fun to pretend what you might do if you got crazy stupid Magic Johnson money. Me, I’d buy the whole entire Internet just so I can kick everyone out. YEW LOUSY MUGS, GIT OUTTA MAH INNERNET! That might be unrealistic at best and downright retarded in real talk terms, but it’s still less obnoxious than what a 80-year-old lottery OG plans to do:
In line to buy tickets with Fields was 80-year-old Everett Eahmer, also of St. Paul, who said he’s been playing the lottery “since the beginning.”
“If I win, the first thing I’m going to do is buy a (Tim) Tebow football shirt, and I’m going to do the Tebow pose,” said Eahmer, who bought five tickets. “I’m with him in honoring a higher power.”
“THEN I’M THROWING THE MOST OLD-TIMEY COKE AND HOOKERS PARTY YOU EVER DID SEE! THERE’LL BE MORE FLAPPERS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A DIALYSIS MACHINE AT!”
If the latest South Park episode is any indication, the old guy would then get killed by a wayward train, which would sadly eliminate the two or three years tops he would have gotten to enjoy his new-found riches. OOH LONG JOHNSON
Now, I can understand someone wanting to thank God for winning the lottery, but why do you have to bring Tebow into it? Teebs probably opposes the lottery as a form of gambling. If I won, I’d tell the media I’m thanking God for specifically giving the money to me and not Tebow. Then I’d buy a controlling stake in the Jets and cut him. Or I’d keep him around just to see his reaction when the Jets offer free abortions to the first thousand fans at the gate.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.