Hey hey hey! It’s the free agency edition of the mailbag! Mario Williams to Buffalo! Peyton Manning to Somewhere! Ex-girlfriends messin’ with dudes’ heads! Some stories never change.

Before we dive in: thanks to all who emailed after yesterday’s call for submissions. We should have enough to carry us through next week, but never hesitate to email us about your problems.

Captain,
Sex: No question here as I’m lucky enough to be with the woman of my dreams, whom I will undoubtedly marry.

BOOOO! Nobody wants to hear about your happiness!

Fantasy: PPR Keeper league, keep maximum of 2 players (for one year only), Anyone drafted Rd 7 or after is eligible as 5th or 6th rounder the following year. Pick two as my 5th and 6th rounders: Darren Sproles, Marshawn Lynch (one of few solid RBs that isn’t in timeshare), and AJ Green (legit talent but worried about sophomore slump- probably more by Dalton- or from more defensive attention). All should be good value since they’d probably be 2nd-3rd round picks in my league. Michael Bush could be an option if he gets a starting gig in Cincy, but even with that I doubt he’d be in the conversation. Most other keepers are QBs or TEs. What say you?
Thanks,
ML

I’d keep Sproles for sure because of PPR. After that, I’d probably lean towards Lynch because workhouse RBs are pretty damn rare in the 6th round. That’s no slight to AJ Green, who’s fantastic, but if it’s a coin flip I’m usually going to go with the RB.

**********

Dear Captain,
Not really sex, but here goes; I am a 20 year old Sailor in the Navy.

Pretty soon I will be moving to Connecticut, and a couple of weeks after that I will turn 21. I was wondering if you, and possibly the Kommentariat, could make a recommendation on a good bar or three in NYC for me to spend the weekend. Clubs suck, and I don’t want to end up at a super touristy place. 

Good for you, recognizing that clubs blow ass. But I’m WAY too old to recommend a bar for someone’s 21st birthday. I’d recommend researching NY Mag’s nightlife section and keeping your search below 14th Street. Anything that qualifies as a “critic’s pick” tends to be a good time.

Also, what would you think about wearing a uniform in the city? I will actually have a ceremony to attend Friday morning before my friends and I get into New York. I’ve found that if there is a military base in the area, wearing a uniform marks you as a tool; and even though there isn’t a Naval base in NYC, there could be a thousand Sailors on leave. Also, a dress uniform in public can result in free drinks (don’t ask how i know that), and we all know free drinks are the tits.

A uniform changes things. If you want to wear your whites out in New York, you may want to steer away from the downtown scene and check out the Murray Hill neighborhood. I should note that Murray Hill is awful and I hate it, but there are plenty of attractive women who don’t have a shred of irony and will be drawn to a sailor in uniform.

My two cents? Only wear the uniform in New York City if you have a military function here or if it’s Fleet Week (when every other slutty woman goes out looking for sailors). Otherwise, the likelihood of spilled drinks on your pretty white uniform outweighs the upside of (maybe) free drinks and (maybe) women.

No football, but here is my offering.

Inline image 6

Well looky there! It’s the world’s smallest picture of Chrissy Teigen! Thanks, shipmate!

Thanks,
ET3 Easton McRoberts

P.S. I blame any and all grammatical errors on the fact that all I have written for over a year is “ALL CONDITIONS NORMAL” in a deck log.

Ugh. Logbooks are the worst. Keep on fightin’ the good fight, and enjoy your NYC excursion.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: This obviously depends on which team he signs with, but what’s your opinion on where Pey-Pey should be drafted? I feel like he could be had as a mid-to-late round steal, what with the injury risk and drunken, incompetent drafters forgetting his HOF arm is still in the league after last season’s absence.

I don’t think anyone’s going to forget about Peyton Manning. We still need to see where he signs and how he performs in camp, but depending on how that shakes out I could see him going somewhere between the third and sixth round.

Sex: A girl and I had a thing for about two months (both physical and emotional), and it was really, really great. From what she told me, she was just as emotionally invested as I was, and the sex was fantastic. Only problem: she had a boyfriend.

So she was just as emotionally invested in you, except for that whole thing about BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I had known her for a while and was always passionate about her, but towards the end of those two months I felt myself falling in love. Since it appeared to me that she wasn’t going to choose me over her boyfriend, I broke things off in order to preempt pain for myself down the road. She told her boyfriend about us, and they’re still together. I know I did the wrong thing by beginning everything in the first place, but I just want to make sure-I did the right thing by breaking it off before I fell too deeply in love, right? It would have been insane to allow things to continue in emotional purgatory for me, right?
Thanks!
-Seattle Insomnia

Yes, you did the right thing by breaking it off with her. Now get out there and try dating a single woman. There’s plenty of ‘em out there.

**********

See Squared,
Fantasy First. In a one-player keeper league (Not PPR), round drafted is irrelevant. I’ll be drafting first overall. Most likely the top triumvirate of quarterbacks will be kept. Should I retain Mike Vick, Cop Speed or Chad Bro Chill (Gronk)?

Gronkowski. With all due respect to Jimmy Graham, Gronk’s the best player at his position by a country mile.

Sex: I was recently hooking up with a girl and couldn’t get it up. The first time this happened to me, years ago, I fought my way through it, and the relationship turned into years of crazy sex as well as even crazier fights. Looking back on it, I thought it was my dick telling me something. Stay away. I fought through it again this time and screwed the girl, but now I’m thinking maybe I should stay away, Can your penis talk to you like that?
Brett

No. Your dick is the stupidest part of your body. Tell me this: if your dick tried to warn you off from the crazy girl, why did it get so hard during the years you had hot sex with her?

**********

Uff,
Fantasy question – Fred Jackson available as a 6th round keeper – think that injury will linger or is he worth the keep? No remarkably better options, but players not coming off season-ending leg issues (we have two keepers, and I nabbed Cam off the waivers, making him a 14th rounder, so that’s a done deal).

I’d say Jackson’s worth a 6th rounder — even if he doesn’t return to form, it’s not like your fantasy draft completely hinges on your 6th round draft choice..

Also (not fantasy, per se) – who do you have winning the tourney?

Kentucky over UNC, because I am unoriginal and know very little about college basketball.

Lady stuff – my ex and i are still friends (has been ~2 years since we’ve dated, plenty of mental recuperation time). She’s been dating some guy for awhile who is a total goon, but…meh, what do I care? I’m not hung up on her and date casually on my own, but nothing serious at the moment. Last weekend, I ran into her on Saturday evening and I initially spurned her advances because, hell, she’s got a boyfriend, right? But while she was in the lady’s (ladies?) room,

Ladies’ room. More than one lady uses it.

one of my friends made a valid point – I don’t have a girlfriend. It isn’t my responsibility to be a good guy in this situation – if she’s coming onto me, who am I to rebuff her? That’s the moral conundrum – do I have any responsibility to any parties, other than my own, in this situation?
Anyways, keep up the good work, always entertaining.
-Dick Balzac

This is a gray area for the single man. As an untethered gentleman, you are free to stick your dick inside any willing human accomplice who has reached the age of consent. However, your better angels will always appeal to your sense of honor in an attempt to dissuade you from sleeping with another man’s girlfriend. Stupid better angels! (If you can’t hear these angels, by the way, you are either morally bankrupt or have had enough booze to make your decision easy.)

I’ve been on all three sides of the cheating triangle — the other man, the cheater, and the cuckold — and by far and away the least painful corner is the other man (unless your state has lax gun laws and the cuckold is prone to fits of rage). Nevertheless, I’m a firm believer in karma, and sleeping with another guy’s girlfriend — even if he’s a total chode — is a self-gratifying act that will come back to you in a bad way. And it’s legitimately hard for me to say that, because part of me wants to say, “AW HELL, JUST SLEEP WITH HER!” A young single man should enjoy his freedom. But if you’re actually a friend to your ex — and not just a suitor lying in wait to strike — then you need to send her home to her douchebag boyfriend.

**********

Dear Consummation Consigliere,
Sex: I just started seeing a really awesome girl. I invited her to spend the weekend at a friend’s place where a bunch of people were converging for a weekend of debauchery, and she jumped me on the first night after everyone went to bed. We were friends in high school (23-years-old now), and while I may have had passing crushes on her then it was nothing more than could be expected of a hormonal teenage guy who wasn’t getting any. This wasn’t some long-smoldering, torch-carrying unrequited love. She just returned to our hometown after logistical problems forced her to move back from New York City, and while her job will have her back there at some indefinite point in the future (the play she was working on is poised to move up to Off-Broadway), until then she’s stuck living at her parents’ place, with no car on top of that. 

Meanwhile, I go to college around an hour-and-a-half away, with no car of my own.

There’s little-to-no money between us, and I’ll probably only be able to see her one or two weekends a month until school gets out in May. Here are my two main quandaries:

1.) Things have only really been going on for a short time. We’re not at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, but we’re clear with each other that this is a going concern. What can I do to keep furthering our connection and building on what we have while not in close proximity?

Back when I was a boy, we put “pens” on “paper” to write “letters,” which were a longer, more personal version of email. Old people like me thought that letters were the way to go until Skype was invented. Skype is the shit.

2.) How do we keep that early-relationship honeymoon-phase “spark” going. I’m not really into swapping randy photos, or having raunchy video chat sessions, but we have really great chemistry and I don’t want that to fade.

So talk to her on Skype without pulling your wang out. Or just talk to her on the phone. That’s what lovesick young people did for, like, six decades before cell phones.

Seriously, this is a whiskey swilling, scotch drinking, cigarette smoking woman with great breasts, a biting wit, and she made out with me while we watched “Twin Peaks”.

Does she have bangs? This sounds like the sort of girl who has old-timey tattoos and tries to look like Bettie Page (NOTE: this is a good trait).

I can’t imagine doing better then this. I need your help.

That’s another thing that young people say, along with the oft-heard “This is my ideal woman.” Throttle back, dude. By all means, spend time with this girl and develop a relationship as best as possible, but it will be easier to develop if you’re not thinking she’s the end-all be-all. Just take what comes naturally.

**********

Dear KSK,
I think I know the answer to this, so naturally I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I lived with a girl two years ago, we broke up. She dumped me, but then I found out it was due to her overwhelming guilt for cheating on me while we were living together. It was a really fun time in my life.

Hold on, lemme try to tackle this one before reading the rest of your letter. If I’m right, you owe me a beer.

Ready? Here goes: keep the ex out of your life. Date someone who didn’t fuck around on you.

Anyway, two years have passed and I have gotten considerably more awesome. I moved to New York, got a great job, I’m in better shape and just generally having a good time being in my mid-twenties. Last week I was in my old hometown for work and I met up with the ex for a drink, partly because I wanted to catch up and partly because I wanted to be like “LOOK I AM NOT A FAILURE.” We had a pretty civil conversation about who did what in the relationship, why it fell apart, and caught up with where we were at. She’s doing well, I’m doing well – great! Until we made out in the street and I caught a cab to grab dinner with my boss. Great idea, right? My Rex Grossman-level decision making abilities is only amplified when drinking whiskey.

Flash to now, we’re talking a whole bunch and it feels a lot like who we were at the beginning of our relationship. She’s trying to arrange a trip to come out and stay with me for about a week or so. This seems like the world’s worst idea ever, but then again it might be interesting. Is there a chance things have changed, maybe this will all lead to a more mature adult friendship / relationship – or is she just some soul sucking succubus hell-bent on ruining any chance of happiness I’ll ever have? I don’t really know where any of this is going, but a bit of me feels like I’d wonder what would happen if I didn’t watch it play out.
Thanks,
Full Retard

You owe me a beer.

Here’s a less reductive answer: people change. People grow. When I was in my early 20s, I botched some relationships with great women that might have worked a couple years down the line if we’d tried again. So I won’t dismiss your ex out of hand. But tread carefully: there’s a distinct possibility she just wants to eat your soul.

**********

To The One That Covets the Clam:
FF: I’m 25 and last year was the first year I played FF. Late to the game, I’m aware, but man was it awesome. Came in 2nd place (or the first loser, at least I got my money back) thanks to Ray Rice, Matt Ryan, and last second pick up of Evan Royster. Not too shabby for my first go at it.

Anyway, to my question: Besides Luck and RGIII, what rookie(s) do you see contributing to the fantasy stat line similar to Cam and AJ Green?

Trent Richardson. Dude squatted 700 pounds a month after knee surgery. In case you are unfamiliar with weightlifting: that is a lot.

Sex: I have been with my girlfriend going on two years in April. I’ve been through some rough stuff with other girls and she makes me extremely happy.I feel comfortable around her really at all times, and can truly be myself. She is positive, outgoing, and anyone that has met her likes her. It’s pretty awesome. Or at least I thought.

She’s in the creative field and about 7 months ago changed jobs. Since then she has been a massive ball of stress: can’t sleep, cries uncontrollably, etc. The positive, outgoing person is now negative and bitter. She realized what was happening and she quit her job thinking it would solve her problems. It hasn’t. Well, she took that stress and moved it into our relationship. I have supported her through this whole transition: cooking, cleaning, you name it (we don’t live together). I truly love her and I thought that these kind of things would help.

I have had some issues with my work life (I fucking hate my job) and stresses outside our relationship but every time I bring out those stresses she begins to cry as if I am attacking her or not supporting her. I am considering leaving my job and all the support I have given her has not been given back. Last time I checked a relationship is a two way street.

Right.

Right?

Right!

I am dealing with all her stuff and have had no time to think about me and my happiness. She is obviously not a happy person right now and it’s wearing off on me. As Rodney Dangerfield once said, “Look out for number one. Don’t step in number 2.”

I don’t want to break up with her. I love her a shit ton (which is a lot) and I want nothing more then to see her happy, but how can I emotionally support her and her happiness if the relationship continues to wear on me the way it has?
Always,
Sit on my Facemask

Remember this: everyone is responsible for his or her own happiness. You can’t pour enough love and effort into a relationship to make it work if the other person isn’t doing their part. There are, of course, tremendous stories of love that are anchored by someone standing by their spouse through difficult times — Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash come to mind — but you ain’t Johnny and June.

Let’s put it this way: what’s a more common thing to hear?

  • “I was such a depressed wreck for the last year and a half, but my boyfriend’s tireless patience and devotion helped me snap out of it, and now we’re better than ever.”

OR:

  • “Three years of my life, gone. I kept thinking it would get better…”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard something like the latter scenario about ten times more often than the former. People who are unhappy will STAY unhappy unless they take active steps to change their situation. Shit, man! This was the image that headlined the mailbag last week:

I’m not saying break up with your girlfriend. By all means, stand by her if you love her and want to make it work. But don’t try to do it all by yourself. Sit her down and explain to her that her unhappiness is making you unhappy. If she cries and says that you’re not being supportive, tell her that’s PRECISELY what you’re doing. Steer her towards a therapist, who can help her assess and correct her problems without the pressure she probably feels when you try to help. Blah blah blah, all that gentle-but-firm stuff.

Me? I’d break up with her. That drama ain’t worth it.

**********

Dear Muff Magnets,
I’ve written in before but it was usually for asinine stupid shit like wanting anal sex or choosing between two girls… Well now we have actual issues.

…yay?

I managed to impregnate a girl (don’t use the pull out guys). She’s not going to get an abortion, and refuses the idea of adoption, so I’m stuck with this one. Now she isn’t my girlfriend and she isn’t asking for any commitment on my part. In fact she told me I didn’t have to do anything if I didn’t want to. But I can’t live knowing I have some bastard child with a single mother in low-mid class Peru because I abandoned them.

Oh wow. You’re like the stereotypical asshole gringo in a Mexican independent film. Quick! Buy a one-way ticket back to the States!

I’m kidding. I can afford to joke about it because I’ve had that heart-in-the-throat, pulse-pounding moment of hearing “I’m pregnant / I can’t get an abortion” before. It is the worst, and I’m sorry.

We talked about it and given my lack of financial stability for the moment, more or less agreed that I wouldn’t do much until maybe another year or two down the road. I’m going to start a business here this year which I think will take off. If/when it does I could definitely provide some support both in terms of money and my time.

My concern is kinda with how involved I should be at this point. Realistically I don’t want the mother getting too attached to me because I have no feelings for her. And I already gave her every cent I could for some prenatal care. She hasn’t told her parents yet (we’re at 7 weeks).

Hoo boy.

I’d rather avoid meeting the family for now,

Or ever, I’d guess.

and I really just want to try and have a relationship with the child and nobody else. Hopefully once my business stuff is stable I can gradually give more time to the kid, but I really want to maintain distance from the mother’s family if at all possible. Is that a realistic thing to expect?

It’s Peru. Peruvians are a Latin people, yes? How many Latino families are going to give their unwed daughter plenty of space as she enters a new phase of life as a single parent?

Listen, you seem to have the appropriate amount of guilt or sense of duty or whatever you want to call it. Keep an emotional distance and help out however you can, and try to find a gringo lawyer well-versed in Peruvian paternity suits. You were already stupid enough to have unprotected sex in a second-world country where almost the entire populace is Catholic; don’t compound that by assuming she’s never going to ask for financial support from her American baby daddy.

Everyone else: wear a condom.

Oh and another thought has been running through my mind here… Exactly how does one go about approaching this subject with another woman? I didn’t cheat on anybody but if I get a new girl in the future, at what point should I have to explain that I have an illegitimate child from another woman? I mean obviously it’s not going to be a pickup line but it’s not exactly possible to keep that a total secret either. Any thoughts?
Thanks,
Steeler Fan in Peru

Late enough in the relationship to divulge secrets but early enough for her to get out if she’s totally put off by the news. I’d say 4-6 months, depending on how fast the relationship is moving. But really, “How do I spin this to next chick I bang?” shouldn’t be on your list of priorities right now.