Today’s mailbag is a somewhat shorter edition, and there’s not much I can do about that if I don’t get many submissions. This is YOUR fault, people! Help me help you, etc.

Anyhoo, today we’ve got non-problems, some awful woman marrying a closeted guy, broken condoms, wanking, and a bare minimum of fantasy football discussion. There’s not much I can do about that. It’s February.

Kommissar Kaveman,
Football: I had the ignominy of being booted from my fantasy league this year, as I was the asshole who only occasionally started his players. Oh well, drafting both Chris Johnson and Peyton Manning will do that.

You deserve that expulsion — not for only occasionally starting your players, but for blaming it on a bad draft. I spit on your fantasy game, sir.

Next: I’m in my mid-twenties. I have been with my girlfriend for close to six months now. A few months prior I was in a relationship of similar length, with the first girl I have ever loved. Needless to say it ended badly and I was crushed like so many bones in Joe Theismann’s leg.

The girl I am with now is a very positive and stable force in my life. However, I’m not 100% confident that I love her. Neither of us has said as much, and she’s a fairly emotionally reserved person, so I have trouble properly expressing myself to her, and I have my doubts if she would reciprocate if I told her I loved her anyway. I know there isn’t a timeframe of when you should be confident you love someone, but what are the upper limits? A year? How long should you stay with someone that makes you happy and content and you enjoy spending time/sleeping with, but you don’t love?
-Doesn’t Expect a Reply Promptly

So you don’t think you love her, but she’s reserved and probably doesn’t love you, but you like spending time with her and she likes spending time with you?

Write back when there’s a problem, please.

**********

El Capitan De Las Cavernas,
First of all, how are you? How’s your offseason starting off?

Pretty well, actually. Life’s been busy with the SB Nation YouTube channel (launching March 1st! Subscribe!), wedding planning continues, and this past Sunday I got caught up on TV and watched Drive, which has a fucking awesome soundtrack and some of the best movie violence since Braveheart. I don’t think I’ll hit serious NFL withdrawal until June.

Fantasy: We’re in the process of deciding whether or not we should transition to a one-keeper league, based off of this past season’s rosters. Accordingly, I need to choose between keeping LeSean McCoy, Victor Cruz, and Matt Ryan. The answer seemed obvious to me at first, but who knows; maybe it’s not.

Oof. Sucks to lose Cruz, but you gotta keep McCoy.

Sex: My girlfriend and I are breaking the condom a little too often during coitus. I usually use Trojan (not that I have a preference), I’d say we’re usually in missionary, lazy doggie style, or woman on top. Do Trojans suck? Am I thrusting too hard? Do these positions bear that risk?
Thanks,
Better Safe Than Sorry

There are two possibilities here. One is that your penis is too large for the condoms that you’re using, and since you’re a KSK reader, this is the more likely scenario. Also feasible: you’re balling your girlfriend for longer than her natural juices can keep the condom lubed up, thus creating friction that breaks the latex. Again, because KSK readers are such well-endowed and vigorous lovers, this is not just possible but likely.

Keep some lube by the bed and apply it to the condom periodically during your marathon sex sessions.

**********

Sir Ufford,
One of my girlfriend’s best friends has been dating a guy for about a year. She is the type who has a list of things a guy must have: the right pedigree, job, salary etc. Well, she found him and shockingly (given her list) he is not an asshole. In fact he is quite the opposite. This all sounds great, right? Sure does except for the fact that every person who meets this guy has the same thought: There is not a straight bone in that man’s body.

And it is not just our group of friends, who are as socially liberal as they come. It’s the girl’s family members, his coworkers, her coworkers, dogs etc. We’ve got a bonafide Tobias Funke situation on our hands and don’t know what to do. Everyone, including family, wants to say something but no one can because the girl is so genuinely happy that she has a boyfriend, let alone one who loves to shoe shop with her (seriously). I want to be clear that this isn’t coming from a place of hate, our friend is in love with someone who is most likely gay and we’d love to have him around, just not as her boyfriend. What are your thoughts on how to tackle the situation?
Sincerely,
Didn’t R. Kelly Write Songs About This?

I dunno, man. I’d be inclined to forward this to the Department Of Who Gives A Shit (a subdivision of Tough Titty, Inc). This girl had a very specific list of demands for her dream guy, and “straight” wasn’t one of them. If “pedigree” and “salary” are prerequisites for dating this girl, then she has a very different worldview from the one I have, and thus I can’t pretend to know what she values in a relationship. For all I know, she prefers financial security and a man who likes shopping more than a hard dick giving her body-shaking orgasms, so maybe she’s happier being a beard than being desired. Who knows? If she’s happy, let her be happy.

**********

Dear KSK,
First off, want to say thanks for the how to recover after a relationship ends advice. Got out of a long-term serious relationship a couple of months ago, and after realizing I was being an idiot for a couple weeks, I started working out like crazy and going out with my friends again, and I am really enjoying myself so thanks.

You’re welcome! Although I should point out that you did all the hard work.

Now to my question: I am just beginning to hook with someone I know through a mutual friend on campus (I’m in school.) I told her I am not looking for anything serious and just looking to have fun. She feels the same, although I know that eventually she will want more and things will end badly; that’s not my issue.

I have also begun talking with another girl who lives a couple of hours away from where I am now; however, she will be 15 min away from me this Summer. There is a lot of sexual tension, and it looks promising. However…they know each other. They like each other’s status updates on facebook, they are in pictures together…how do I pull this off? I feel like if I start hooking up with the second girl in a month or two, I can just disappear off facebook and maybe that will help? (they both write on my wall, too….which is annoying).

You can turn off people’s ability to write on your wall. I did this, like, the day after I joined Facebook. No fucking thank you. Send me a message.

Any suggestions? I know this will probably end horribly, but I think the chance of hooking up with two girls at the same time is worth the risk. I mean, worst case scenario it makes for a great story to tell my grandkids, right?
–Steven V

Actually, the worst-case scenario is that the girls figure out what you’re doing, they both cut you off and spread the word about you being a dirtbag, and you spend the rest of college feeling like an asshole and not getting laid.

Listen to me: I have tried what you want to do. I tried it in the years before Facebook existed; a few times I got away with it, and sometimes I didn’t. Whether or not you get caught, it’s not worth what little payoff you get. Given the lies you have to tell (and keep straight), the thrill of having sex with two women separately is not demonstrably better than having sex with one woman guilt-free. I’m not even doing any moral finger-wagging here; it’s seriously just a pain in the ass.

If you’re casually dating around, go ahead and date around (just always wear protection). But the minute you start hatching plans and covering your tracks in order to sleep with two women, your risk-versus-reward becomes more trouble than it’s worth.

**********

No FF question here, just sex.
The fact that I masturbate makes my girlfriend really upset. I don’t jack off often or when she’s around, and it hasn’t gotten in the way of our sex life. When we’ve talked about it, she’s said that she thinks it’s selfish, that she doesn’t understand why I can’t wait until she’s around/in the mood, that she thinks it means that I care less for her, etc. It’s gotten to the point where she said that she does not understand why I’d do it if it makes her so upset, and wants me to stop all together. Any suggestions on ways I can explain to her that jacking off isn’t harmful to our relationship?
-Jack N.

We get a question similar to this one every couple months, and I think it’s always worth revisiting. The short answer is that your girlfriend is a stupid harpy and you should break up with her.

The longer answer is this: men masturbate. Not only is it NOT bad, but it’s part of a healthy sex life. Hell, it’s part of a healthy life, period. I could point to the studies that show the health benefits of regular release (“regular” as in “more often than your girlfriend wants it”), but that would take some effort and your dipshit girlfriend isn’t worth that much of my time. And that’s not even touching on the positive psychological effects men get from masturbation — if I go a couple days without an orgasm, I stalk around the city staring at women and thinking,”WANT MAKE FUCK!”

Can masturbation be harmful to a relationship? Yes, if you do it too often or became reliant on porn. But if it’s not affecting your regular sex life with your partner, then diddle or whack until your groin’s content. If your girlfriend can’t understand or accept that, she’s going to have a long and unhappy single life that ends with her marrying a closeted gay man or a liar. I suggest you dump her, and tell her that she can find the man she wants tending a pot of gold near the unicorn stables.