Hines Ward: Am no bereave team is contemprate make leerease numbell one smaltest leceiverr in NFR histolee. Hines and Steererrrs berong together, rike clack and back. Am Steererrr foll rife. What am Hines to do? WHO WIRR HERP ME NOW
Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES
Hines: You must herp, Rongrastname! You onree one! Must do something. Team am want to leerease you favolite leceiverrr.
Roethlisberger: COACH GETTIN’ RID OF FAST WILLIE PARKER WALLACE? NOOOOOOOOO
Hines: No, you rummox! You favolite leceiverrr am Hines, foll arr time. Leememberr good old day. Leememberr, Hines win Supel Bowr foll you when you pray rike roser, one hundlred pellcent. Randerr Err bettel QB than you that day! This Hines! He hord arr team lecold. He teach you how be a man. He terr you to get wife light away when people say you lapist.
Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF OH YEAH
Hines: Aftell arr that, you just sit and do no thing when team want throw me to culb rike tlash. Hines be in galbage dump, rike toys in end of Toy Stolee Numbell 3. They buln Hines to clisp.
Roethlisberger: NO! NOOOOOOO! NOT HINES LIGHTYEAR! THAT BAD ‘N’ SAD! THE BEN PUT STOP TO THIS IN JIFFY SPEED
[Garage flies open]
Todd Haley: Look alive, queerbait! Comin’ at ya!
[Haley's cranks I-ROC in a cloud of Marlboro smoke, blasting Sabbath and burning donuts into the Heinz Field turf]
Livin’ the motherfucking life, bitchcakes!
Roethlisberger: HEY NEW COACH MAN! THE BEN HAVE A COMPLAIN. HINES SAID YOU WANNA GET RID OF HINES! THAT BAD!
Haley: I don’t give a fuck.
Roethlisberger: OH OK. SORRY HINES.
Hines: Thanks a rot, Rongrastname.
Haley: Listen up, Chinky, Boss Todd’s cutting you loose because you’re an old-ass gook who can’t run for shit anymore, plain and simple. Maybe you’ll get a second career teaching piano lessons to other bowlcut buckteeth Long Duk Dongs. If that doesn’t work out, open a laundromat or a corner store in the ‘hood that overcharges burrheads for forties. I don’t give an orange-flavored shit. BUT YOU DAMN SURE WON’T BE MSGing UP BOSS TODD’S OFFENSE.
Hines: AWWWWWWW! That lacist. You can no speak that way! Hines am Steererrr regend.
Haley: Try and stop me, DUI Duck Sauce. The Rooneys went over the head of Tomlin to bring me in. I got all the pull I need. In fact, I already brought on a special assistant of racist putdowns to kill your spirit until the team officially lets you go. Why? ‘Cause that shit gets me rock hard.
[Drive-thru windows fly open]
Jason Whitlock: Yo, can you Palinites send me a link to common Asian stereotypes? Busy watching Wire season 2. This Ziggy cat is mad Dickensian.
[1,000 FOX Sports readers Google stereotypes for Whitlock]
Says here you got a small wang. Ha! Wang! That’s what you is, ’cause it’s an Asian name. The damn thang got did!
Hines: That just razee.
Whitlock: You say lazy and offensive, but look how much positive discourse I’ve created. Once they cut you, that Wiz Khalifa joint is only gonna be “Black” That’s ’cause Asian people are yellow. Haha, yo my boy Buzz Bissinger gonna crack up on dis shit.
Hines: And what if I make brack joke about you? How you like? “Knock knock” “Who there? “Brack man.” “Quick, honey, lock dool and window and begin carr porice! Say he have gun” See! Hines palt brack! He know pain both way!
[Campy Sports Illustrated cover flies open]
Jeremy Lin: Hey Hines. As a fellow Asian-American professional athlete, I’ve long admired your fortitude and courage. You should be proud of the career you’ve had. If it’s coming to an end, you should be able to walk away knowing you’re an all-time great. I know there aren’t many of us out there, so we’ve got to look out for one another. Beyond sports, there’s the wider perception in popular culture that because Asians are the “docile” minority, that some think it’s easier to label us with derogatory and hateful characteristics than it would be with other minorities. Some don’t see a problem with it at all. It’s our responsibility to continue to battle that perception, however we can.
[Hines shoulder butts Lin under his chin, knocking Lin to the ground and concussing him]
Hines: FUCK YOU, RIN, IVY REAGUE ASSWHORE! YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU GO HALVALD, IT MAKE YOU SMALT? IT MAKE YOU BETTEL THAN ME? HINES AM NUMBELL ONE SMALTEST LECEIVERRR, NUMBELL ONE SMALTEST ASIAN AND IT NO CHANGE! NOT EVER! Hines get called “Soy Sauce” for full decade and no one bat eye. Brack Buddha make stupid joke and now all peoperr want rove you and save you from lacist. It no light!
Haley: HELL YEAH, that was fuggin’ BAD. ASS. I shoulda known if I brought a coupla you slants together, you’d start kung fu-ing one another to death. If anything, we need MORE slopes on this team!
[Begins scouting MIT]
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.