Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!
I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.
(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)
THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.
(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)
Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!
(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)
And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!
(pisses on nearby lamp post)
I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.