For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you know that I spent Valentine’s Day this year at the Westminster Dog Show. My fiancee wasn’t thrilled with me working 13 hours that day, but it was all worth it to finalize my roster of which dogs should play football. If you’re at all interested in another video from the dog show, stay tuned to my Twitter or subscribe to SB Nation’s YouTube channel — I’ve got a better, longer one forthcoming.

Okay, that’s all the whoring for today. Let’s get to the mailbag.

Dear Sir/Madam,
#SexxyTime: So I stupidly got involved sexually with one of my best friends and while we never became too serious, our activities continued over the course of a few months. Feelings obviously came into play, but we were never on the same page at the same time- this lead to fights, awkward moments and periods where we had virtually no relationship at all. Typical.

Eventually we ended our friends with benefits portion of our relationship, and became just good friends again, even though the level of attractiveness persisted. We’ve both now been trying to see others, which for me fuels jealousy and has me comparing whatever girl to her (negatively). I know the simple answer would be to stop being friends, end all contact and move on, but she is one of my best and most important friends. How do I balance my lingering feelings with the realities of our friendship and the need to move on?

If you both like each other, date each other. If you want to date her and the feeling’s not mutual, you gotta get the fuck out of that friendship. You’re never going to be happy dating someone else if you’re looking forward to the next time you hang out with your friend that you want to (but can’t) screw. Time to go cold turkey.

Fantasy: Is there any fair way that I can scheme to make my nonkeeper league a keeper league this offseason so that I can have CamCam on my team and reap the benefits of that pickup?
Best wishes,
Magiggity

Nope. It’s a scheisty move.

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Dear Coverer (Coveter?) of the Corgi:
My question is related primarily to Fantasy Football, but also tangentially to (immoral, illegal) sex. I’ll try to be brief, but it’s admittedly convoluted, so I apologize in advance:

I work for a company that has projects ongoing all over the United States, and employs people from many different locations on these projects. Subsequently, I work with certain people infrequently. In 2009, a group of guys I had worked with in 2007-2008 started a fantasy football league. They asked me to join, I accepted the invitation, and I have played there to this day, finishing second, next-to-last, and second. This year, I finished second to a team whose owner was arrested and jailed early in the season for child pornography (and who is still being investigated for statutory rape/improper conduct with a minor).

Surprising, but not without precedent: in August of 2009, a reader wrote in with questions about a fantasy owner who left the league after statutory rape charges that followed a threesome with two 13-year-old girls.

This is a guy that we all knew, who had a wife and three young children, so needless to say, we were all blown away when the news got out. Obviously, no one was overly concerned about the fantasy football aspect of it, as we figured he’d be unable to update his line-ups and would finish at the bottom of the league (and, obviously, there were much larger issues to consider). However, the guy’s dad took over his team for him (something I didn’t find out until the playoffs), which prompted two of my friends to disavow the league altogether.

Really? You didn’t suspect someone took over the team when the lineup kept changing every week?

Obviously, he made the playoffs, but the comissioner, who was the guy’s best friend prior to all this happening, assured the rest of the playoff-bound teams that he would remove the pedophile team from the playoffs and put the 7th best team in instead. Clearly, this didn’t happen, and in the week leading up to the championship game, I went from being overjoyed at usurping the regular season points champion in the semi-finals (I was third overall in points, but the guy I beat was 600 points ahead of the second-place team, so I was obviously ecstatic) to alternating between determination (to destroy the pedophile team) and wanting to start bench players just to make a statement to the commissioner. After talking to some of my other friends in the league, my competitive spirit won out, and I played my best line-up…which unfortunately featured Tony Romo, who played for all of about three plays that week.

Long story short, I lost by 3.98 points (Romo had 0.00 points and my back-up, Andy Dalton, who had been underachieving for two weeks prior, had 22.96), and I’ve been left wondering whether I should quit fantasy football because I lost to a pedophile and his dad, quit the league (and miss out on a lot of fun with the rest of the guys who are my friends) because the commissioner lied to me, or simply talk as much shit about the character of the team that I lost to while referring to myself as the uncrowned champion – your thoughts?
-No It Wasn’t Jerry Sandusky (Although I Did Attend Penn State)

There are some long and complex answers I can go into, but I’m feeling lazy today, so I’m going to work in bullet points:

  • If an owner has to leave the league, which happens often enough, it’s sensible for someone to take over the team. Yes, child pornography is super bad and evil and disgusting, but if the same guy came down with cancer and died, it would have made perfect sense for his dad to take over the team. You’re confusing moral outrage with standard protocol.
  • You make it sound like it’s the worst thing in the world to be beaten in fantasy football by a pedophile. Why? Are pedophiles supposed to be bad at fantasy football?
  • In what universe would you start Andy Dalton over Tony Romo in a championship game? I’m annoyed by your inclusion of that pointless bitching.
  • You lost the championship game. These things happen. Your only complaint should be with the commissioner, who said one thing about the league’s operation and did another.

Overall, I’d recommend leaving that fantasy league, as it harbored a pedophile and is run by a liar. But you ain’t champion of shit.

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Purveyors of Pleasuretown,
Fantasy: I went from worst to first and won my league this year. Not writing to gloat. As champ, I get to make a rule for next year. Suggestions welcome.

I’d probably make a rule that benefited people whose bench players went off and cost them games. Like, every game you lose but would have won if each team played its ideal lineup entitles you to a $10 bonus at the end of the season. Kinda lame, but I get so goddam pissed when I lose games like that.

I also get a bottle of booze or case of beer of my choice from the last place owner. No limits were placed on this by the commish. Am I pulling a Richard Move if I request a bottle of Pappy’s 15 year? Rules is rules, right?

I think you need to respect the economic status of the league’s membership. If you’re playing in a fantasy league with other venture capitalists, then yeah, ask for that bottle of Pappy. SO DELICIOUS. But realistically, the case of beer option seems to dictate, for reasonable people, a price on the lower end of the spectrum. Ask for a nice bottle of bourbon that won’t cripple the last-place owner’s bank account, such as Blanton’s or Baker’s. And if he lives locally, invite him over to share a glass. Sharing bourbon is good karma.

Sex: Happily married, working on procreation. Babymaking tips from those that would know? Preferably ones that don’t involve me giving up drinking entirely?
Kate Upton’s tits,
Johnny Dakota

Stick to vaginal sex.

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To the Sultan of Sex and Sacks,
Sex: I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now, and I can honestly say that I love her very much. She has basically all the qualities you look for in a woman: smart, funny, attractive, and probably one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. However, I recently started a new office job after spending months look for a job, and at the end of the week everyone in the office was supposed to go out for drinks. As it turned out, only my very attractive co-worker ended up going since everyone else slowly bailed for one reason or another. Since I drove through 45 minutes of traffic to get to this damn place, I sure as hell wasn’t going to leave. We ended up taking full advantage of the cheap liquor and just talked shit, joked, and eventually danced (no grinding, just good old-fashioned awkward dancing) once the liquor set in. All in all, it was a pretty fun night and I somehow managed to leave without making any physical contact with this girl whatsoever.

I didn’t tell my girlfriend that only one very attractive girl showed up, not because she’s the jealous type, but because I thought it wasn’t that big a deal. However, the following week my co-worker asked to just go out the two of us which I respectfully declined for obvious reasons, and yet she keeps texting me all the time. My question is how exactly am I supposed to go about this situation? Should I tell my girlfriend about the night even if nothing happened? I feel guilty about it, since I know I’d probably react poorly if she told me the same thing.

Ugh, nothing ruins my Thursday like a visit to Moral Gray Area. As I’ve discussed in the past, there’s a difference between honesty and full disclosure. You’ve behaved yourself and stayed true to your girlfriend, and that’s the most important thing in terms of your relationship. As long as you didn’t lie about who showed up for the happy hour, you’re being honest. If you want to go the extra step to full disclosure and tell her about your hot co-worker that you went drinking with but nothing happened, you may find yourself in trouble that you don’t deserve. However, if you stay mum and your girlfriend happens to see one of your co-worker’s persistent texts, she’s going to ask you, “Who’s Joanna?” And then you’re going to find yourself backpedaling through an explanation. There’s not really an ideal way to handle this.

I think the most important thing here is that you stress to your hot co-worker that you’re in a serious relationship and her continuous texting, while flattering, is inappropriate (this may necessitate an apology if you led her on at the bar). As long as your intentions are pure and you’re staying faithful to your girlfriend, you don’t need to tell her about every woman who wants you.

Football: I’ve been the champion of my 12-team Keeper League, the only one I play in, for three straight years. This year, the league agreed to change the amount of keepers from five to 3 for the following season. While I’m definitely keeping Aaron Rodgers, I still have two spots available for the following players (McGahee, Ahmad Bradshaw, Roddy White, Antonio Gates, Victor Cruz, LeGarrette Blount, and Marshawn Lynch). I’m leaning towards Cruz and Lynch, but Bradshaw and White were pretty key to my championship run at the end, and Lynch might not run as hard once he gets his new contract.
Thanks Again,
Valentine’s Day Survivor

I agree on Cruz and Lynch. You may be right about Lynch’s contract, but I’d argue that his ceiling is a great deal higher than Bradshaw’s. With the Giants focusing on their passing game so much, I don’t think the loss of Bradshaw can burn you too badly. Whereas if you drop Lynch and he puts together an 11-game stretch like the one he had in 2011, you’ll never forgive yourself.

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Dear Muff Masters,
I’m still trying to shake off the horrible nightmare that is my beloved Patriots losing their second straight to the Giants, so no football questions for you this time around.

Awwww. Hopefully those three Super Bowl titles in four years can soothe that agony.

Right on to the love and sex portion of the mailbag. I’m single and very bitter and cynical about the idea of relationships, for a variety of back stories that I won’t get into right now. This makes it incredibly ironic that I was playing a gig at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, and I ended receiving, much to my surprise, a phone number from a girl that was written on a napkin. (I didn’t even know people actually still did this shit).

What gets tricky is that because I was so engrossed in the music, and later with tracking down the manager so that he wouldn’t gyp me out of my pay, I never actually saw the girl who wrote this little invitation, so I also have no idea if she’s even good-looking or not. This being said, it’s not every day that someone actually does this to you, so I’m a little intrigued. However, since I really don’t think I have any interest in a relationship, is it shallow of me to call the number and try and establish something that would maybe be just a bootycall thing? Also, how do I backpedal out of this if it were to turn out she were a Colts fan lookalike? Just because she’s ugly doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings.

I’d love to hear your thoughts – it’s weird how it’s like 1960 all over again.
Cheers,
Muddled Musician

A musician who doesn’t want to be in a relationship? Well knock me over with a feather!

Give her a call and tell her that you didn’t see her but were impressed by her directness. If you enjoy the conversation you have with her, ask if she wants to get a cup of coffee. If she’s heinous, no biggie, it’s just a cup of coffee. If she’s attractive, yay! You’re probably going to get laid.

(Someone in the comments is destined to recommend that you get acquainted with her over Facebook or find out her full name so you can Google her. That’s incredibly transparent and will turn her off. Don’t do that.)

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Dear CC,
Fantasy – My friends and I have a pretty unremarkable fantasy football league. However, the basically same group of friends have a pretty fun and engaging fantasy baseball league. There is a buy-in for both and everyone generally pays attention to their teams for the entire seasons but the football league is devoid of trades and trash talking, whereas this is not the case with baseball. Besides getting in a different league, any suggestions to liven the fantasy football league up?

Yeah, ride your unicorn over to the money tree and grab a wad of cash. It doesn’t solve your problem, but it’s the first thing I’d do if I lived in a fictional world where fantasy baseball was better than football.

Sex – I am basically stuck in a stupid love triangle that I need advice on.

Before we get to the rest of this email, I want everyone to know this story goes on for WAY too long, but I’m including it because our poor reader is handling his situation in such a phenomenally retarded manner. Get a bag of popcorn and enjoy:

The girl in question is a teammate on a co-ed soccer intramural team. When she first joined the team she had a long term boyfriend that she lived with. I thought she was cute but with the boyfriend in the picture there was nothing happening. Then over the summer they broke up in a rather ugly fashion and she moved out. Apparently they hadn’t had sex in like a year and he completely ignored her. She only stuck it out that long because she really liked his dog.

I almost respect that reasoning. Almost.

I am a generally oblivious person and didn’t pick up that she liked me until the end of August, when apparently she had always thought I was attractive and was interested in getting to know me after her relationship ended. So I was finally made aware of this interest and asked her out on a date. She said she would love to but was heading to London for a month for work the next day. Bummer.

While in London we talked basically every day and we established a pretty intense connection. She eventually returned and we started dating. Things were going extremely well, possibly getting a little too intense too quickly, until we had two kind of lame dates/sleep overs in a row right before Christmas.

At about the same time her ex started contacting her. She told me about him contacting her and I wasn’t happy but I generally don’t tell people what they can and cannot do. I did tell her I didn’t like that and thought it was a really bad idea. Also, one day when picking her up to go out to eat she checks her phone and immediately starts crying. Apparently the dude threatened to kill himself if she didn’t give him another chance.

A paragon of masculinity, that one.

I was pretty taken aback by this but she called the guy’s brother and told him the situation and that seemed to be the end of it. Things were kind of rocky over the holidays, not fighting or anything but there was clearly something missing that was there before. It seemed unrelated to the dude at the time. After new years, things seemed to get better until about the end of January. She then dropped the bomb on me that her ex and her had been talking and she wanted to give him another chance.

So we broke up and didn’t talk for about a week or so. Then she began texting and talking to me on gchat again. She would tell me how much she misses me and loves me but whenever I would say well ditch that guy, she said she was still stuck on him for some reason. So I say whenever you realize your mistake then give me a call.

You realize you fell for an idiot, right? Because you did. I’m not trying to be mean. Idiots need love, too.

I proceed to work on bettering myself and have actually lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks and am planning on running a 6k in a month. She continues to contact me and we see each other

/sigh

Why do people read this mailbag if they have no intention of heeding the things I say over and over again?

and proceed to have the best sex we have ever had. This occurs 3 or 4 more times, each time there is outrageous chemistry and conversation. She has said I am a much better person and she really wants to get back with me but there is something she can’t explain that keeps her with this guy.

Ooh! Ooh! I know! It’s because she’s a fucking idiot.

Mutual friends have confirmed she has said the same thing to them so I don’t think she was just blowing smoke up my ass. Also these mutual friends account this guy is a total loser and how they think we are basically a perfect match for each other. Friends have no idea what is keeping her from ditching him because they think he is pretty awful.

It’s because she has kindling for brains.

I love this girl to death and see a real future with her if this guy wasn’t in the picture. Currently it is like a child custody case. I see her a few times a week and she sees him a few times a week. Every time we see each other it is fantastic and we still talk everyday and have great conversation. I want to try and fight for her but I don’t know what to do. Should I fight for her? If so, any effective strategies I could try and employ to make her see the “light”? Or should I just cut my losses, be miserable for awhile and move on?
Thanks,
Mike

She’s not breaking up with her boyfriend because she’s too much of a pussy to hurt his feelings. She probably feels responsible for his happiness or some moronic notion like that. Of course, she’s interested in someone else who COULD force her hand, but that dumbass made himself perfectly available to her and is so stupidly in love with her that he’ll take her on whatever limited terms she offers. So she gets the man that she wants without hurting her boyfriend’s feelings.

I’ll spell this out a little more clearly: by not standing up for yourself, you have enabled her emotional weakness, thus guaranteeing your own unhappiness. If you had just cut off ALL contact with her (blocking her gchats, stonewalling her when she texts, not meeting up with her), she probably would have broken up with that pusslord a month ago to be with you.

So yeah, drop that retard and don’t acknowledge she exists until she’s single. And when you take her back, make sure that you’ll drop her like a stack of weights if she even thinks about talking to that chump again. Have some respect for yourself, man.