Hello children, I’m Tim Tebow. I’m a football player. I play quarterback for the Denver Broncos. I’m here to read you the classic book, “Green Eggs and Ham” by Dr. Seuss. It’s about one foodie’s quest to force his taste on a friend. It works a lot better if you think of the eggs as Jesus and the ham as the ham you’re allowed to eat because you’re not in hell.

[Clears throat]

I am Sam

Sam’s a guy, by the way. None of that gender ambiguity stuff. Teachers, no ambiguity in the lesson plan, please.

Ahem.

I am Sam
Sam I am

Solid character we got here. Same guy backwards and forward. You know where you stand with Sam.

That Sam-I-am
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am

That’s a Grumpy Gus, huh guys?

Do you like
green eggs and ham

Just so we’re clear, that’s Jesus and ham.

I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.

What’s this guy’s deal? He’s trying to save you!

Would you like them
Here or there?

This is a smart approach. I’ve found that when you’re preaching the word of God, uh, EGGS, it’s important to find something that sticks and work from there.

I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am

Got a real tough customer on our hands. Where is this guy from, San Francisco?

Would you like them
from a can?
Would you like them
laying down with another man?

Yes, ma’am, I know that’s not the original text. I still think it’s an important point to make. No, I won’t do it the “right” way. That’s unnatural behavior. It’s important that we suss it out at a young age. Let them know what’s right and wrong. Teach morals, like we should. What do you mean we can’t do that in a school? Of course we can. See, kids? This is why you must be taught at home with your parents with an honest faith-based education. It worked for me. I’m a star in the NFL. You can be, too. Yeah, whatever, fine, I’ll go.

Anyway, what’s-his-face accepted Jesus into his heart and got to eat all the ham he ever wanted in the kingdom of heaven. The end.