It’s the offseason. There’s no football on, and there won’t be for a long, long time. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best. Which is why we have the ongoing series This Week In F–K You. This week: The Wall Street Journal.
Last year, the Wall Street Journal introduced us to Tiger Mother Amy Chua by posting an excerpt from her book with the trolltastic headline Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. And now that we’ve gotten all that Chinese parent-hating out of our system, they’ve handed us this essay from Pamela Druckerman titled “Why French Parents Are Superior.” Taken on its own, the piece reinforces many of the “firm but friendly” techniques that American parents like myself have been trying to learn for a while now:
It struck me that most French descriptions of American kids include this phrase “n’importe quoi,” meaning “whatever” or “anything they like.” It suggests that the American kids don’t have firm boundaries, that their parents lack authority, and that anything goes. It’s the antithesis of the French ideal of the cadre, or frame, that French parents often talk about. Cadre means that kids have very firm limits about certain things—that’s the frame—and that the parents strictly enforce these. But inside the cadre, French parents entrust their kids with quite a lot of freedom and autonomy.
This is the exact sort of thing I learned in parenting class a while back, and Druckerman is 100% right about this being a better way to raise kids without ending up tearing your hair out.
The problem is that fucking headline. Chua didn’t write the headline for her column, and I’m guessing that Druckerman didn’t either. Because the headline completely blots out all of the good points that Druckerman is trying to make. Most people reading that article are gonna gloss right over the substance of it and react negatively to the headline (showing a photo of her kids in berets isn’t helping, either). The French? Who never work? Raising MY kids? FUCK YOU, LADY. That completely undermines what Druckerman wrote, most of it practical, some of it obnoxious (Congratulations to this lady for being the nine millionth dipshit American to go to Europe and then lecture us about how Europe does things better. We call that Paltrowism, and it’s a horrible disease). It does a disservice to her and lumps her into the same category as Chua, who did NOT offer similarly good advice.
I assume that the Journal won’t be satisfied until we hate parents from EVERY other country. Be sure to read them in the coming months for the following trolling features:
WHY CANADIAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: They preach wood cutting!
WHY AUSTRALIAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: They aren’t as skittish about bugs!
WHY DUTCH PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: They aren’t afraid to eat pickled herring!
WHY MEXICAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: They do manual labor without bitching!
WHY ZAMBIAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: They breast feed until the child is age 32!
WHY KOREAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: Something about David Chang!
Stop trolling American parents, Rupert Murdoch. Raising kids is hard enough already. I don’t need to feel SHITTIER about how I’m doing than I already do.
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WHY ZOMBIE PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: Braiiiinnnssss!
I think we were on the same path when we read ZAMBIAN parents… I was really hoping it was actually ZOMBIE parents.
Yup, that’s exactly why that came to my mind.
Great now I want pickled herring. Thanks.
Of course French parents are better. They let their kids have booze & there’s never any bath time.
I would like to point out that I am half-Japanese and my mom is the Japanese parent. She followed the Amy Chua gameplan and made my life absolute hell for 7 years until I got into college. The only reason why I didn’t go completely insane is because my dad was a reasonable person who actually thought that unconditional love for your child might be something you should have. So fuck you Amy Chua. Fuck your smug attitude and fuck your dumbass method of mentally abusing children.
I mean, you got into college at age 7. Sounds like a success story to me.
Bottom line: once you tell your kids “no” or decide to discipline them stick to it no matter how much they cry or complain. Go back on your word and they smell weakness and you are done. My kids aren’t angels and like normal kids they act up from time to time, but they know when me and their mom mean business.
Also, for new parents or parents to be: let them cry themselves back to sleep and never let them sleep in your bed. I’ve heard some real horror stories about that shit.
Yeah, that’s how Robert Arryn went bad. That and the breastfeeding.
Nice GoT reference.
WHY DORNISH PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: Vacations at the Water Gardens!
UU and I may not agree on politics, but we’re sure as shit on the same page with parenting.
I’m expecting my first in May… This will be hell, won’t it?
The first six weeks or so are brutal. All those people who are telling you to sleep now while you can? They’re not joking.
A few survival tips: In the early months, swaddle the shit out of that kid. Check out “The Happiest Baby on the Block” DVD for tips.
And don’t re-arrange your life for the baby. If you tiptoe around the newborn, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of having to be quiet or he won’t go to sleep.
The early sleeplessness eases up relatively quickly if you follow UU’s advice to let the kid cry it out after a while. At 2-3 months, you’ll reach a point where the kid’s crying in the crib, even though he’s just been fed, burped, changed, etc. Then you know it’s all about just not wanting to go to sleep. Start a timer, pour yourself a stiff drink, and wait ten minutes before going in. The first time is hell, but they usually conk out at 7-8 minutes, and with one or two more nights like that, bedtime just becomes a routine. We had our first going to bed, no problems, and sleeping through the night by 4 months old.
Kids are a lot of work, but what you get back more than makes up for it.
What Otto said. Especially the part about tip toeing around them when they are sleeping. I recommend using the vacuum cleaner while they are sleeping.
I’ll have to keep these tips handy. I appreciate the advice.
I have heard the crying it out thing before, but it seems like that’s gonna be the hardest thing to actually do when it happens.
Door Matt – I agree with the whole let them cry. Also, tie down your wife because she’s going to want to go up there. Actually tie her down and play “Bad Student and Sexy Teacher”. Whatever it takes.
Also, I have two boys and they can be fucking brutal hardheaded hellions, that’s when you count to 10 and remember how hot you’d look to a hardened convict who hears you’re a child abuser.
Then smack them on their ass, just not too hard.
We never tiptoed around my son when he was a baby and that kid can sleep through a nuclear explosion.
/lead lined fridge joke
I still cry in my crib….
Yeah French parents are great. They raise their kids to surrender at the first sign of trouble, then call the Americans to come bail their asses out.
Fucking pussies.
History major are ya?
I am always struck by the idea that American kids who are now (older) grownup adults talk about the good old days when they had firm boundaries and got spankings and punishments and they turned out “ok”. Our culture was once one of totalitarian abuse by many parents and the result was alot of very fucked up adults. If you look at many of the greatest minds of our time, very few of them ( and i am not basing this on any research I’m simply talking out of my ass ) were the products of abuse or very strict homes. Imagination and creativity needs to be nurtured or at the very least “left alone” in order for it to flourish in an individual.
I just finished reading a piece about Steve Jobs and how when he was in his living room working on one of the first products, his Dad just walked past stepped over the group at work and rolled his eyes as if to say “what a waste of time”. He didn’t kick the group out of his house and tell them to waste time at someone else’s house. Maybe he wasn’t totally supportive but I gleaned from reading about it that at least he wasn’t a dick who stifled what the kid was doing.
I’m not sure of what the point of the Steve Jobs story is … because by all accounts he was a dick. A rich dick, for sure, but a dick just the same.
But I don’t think he was an abusive murderer or a child molester.
Parenting in eight words: Pick Your Battles. Win The Ones You Pick.
Word.
My wife likes to say “Momma always wins.”
And it’s true. Unless you cave in to the whining and concede defeat, you’ll get your way. That toddler isn’t going to physically wrest the candy bar out of your hand.
But the key, as you note, is deciding what battles aren’t worth fighting. “You want to wear a tutu to school? Fuck if I care.”
That’s not just parenting in eight words, that’s life in eight words. There is never a case where this advice doesn’t apply.
WHY ITALIAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: wine with dinner for the kids!
I think we’re missing the point that the Wall Street Journal is what sucks. We can debate pareting techniques all we want, but the WSJ is basically trolling instead of providing info.
I hate the WSJ because their weekend edition just drips with pretentiousness and snobbery. Fuck you White East Coast Establishment!
+1
Um, yes.
Why Inidan parents are better.
Dessert is served upon meeting your soccer ball sewing quota.
“Congratulations to this lady for being the nine millionth dipshit American to go to Europe and then lecture us about how Europe does things better. We call that Paltrowism, and it’s a horrible disease.”
That’s what really pisses people off; some superultra-liberal fuckwad who thinks that Europe is so much more advanced and culturally enlightened than America.
But…it is…
Not sure if you’re being sarcastic. Your comment reeks of tongue-in-cheek humor but your Bills logo tells me you’re not the joking type.
Why can’t we learn from the things they do better and from their mistakes? It is always interesting how when something is a better idea or different from something you are doing that is not working, that when that idea is presented it’s “That elitist, offensive, snobbish”, etc. Then they ignore it because their panties are in a bunch.
Europe lacks Monster Trucks. That is all.
“Why Boston Parents Are Better”: WE TEACH THEM HOW TO ANTICIPAHTE HAW-RIBLE LOSSES IN SPAHTS! And we give them cool nicknames like “the Spahts Baby”
I saw this lady on the “Today” show this week, and in spite of the ridiculous beret apparently stapled to her head (she had it on the segment filmed at her home – like she walks around the house wearing the damn thing – and the in-studio segment), there was nothing “French” about her common sense advice. Set boundaries, enforce those boundaries, but allow the children reasonable autonomy within said boundaries. What is French about that? Like those Frogs have any significant insight? The suggestion is absurd, and insulting to any parent with an IQ even slightly above room temperature. As someone below said, as a parent, “pick your battles, and win the ones you pick.” Not (French) rocket science.
After doing a quick google search of the woman who wrote this article I learned that she wrote an article a while back about having a 3-way for her husbands 40th birthday.
here’s the link
[www.slate.com]
Relevant
That is quite the B-Day present….. unless it is with a big dude of questionable descent.
The French did do one thing right. Perfected the Maid Outfit.
Not too mention toast and the tickler.
And a kiss, too.
And fries. But I don’t like their Stewart.
Let’s not forget The French Mistake
Voila!
Wine, food, etc.
Also Napoleon’s war in Russia taught everybody not to go there and invade in winter…. oh wait.
My dad used to say “Those go’damn Frogs are face fuckers.”
If my GF is Chinese and I can *speak* French, is that close enough? Will our kids turn out perfect? I can get a French mistress if it’d help.
I will also make that sacrifice if it would help. No need to thank me.
Madonna was Paltrow before it was cool.
Mad Onna Disease is a real thing!
It’s surprising (I mean, it *should be* surprising) that the academic world keeps Chua around. Half baked international law and policy theory, half baked child-rearing advice. Hot, though.
Belgian Parents are superior: Their children drink beer in school.
European parents do it better.
Hey, at least the kids have their own dungeon.
Nicely done, sir. I saw this creepy well done trailer for what I assume is a film based on this. [www.youtube.com]
Nope, the guy in the picture is Josef Fritzl. He kept his own daughter in his basement for 24 years. The guy in the fictional movie snags a random boy and holds him hostage.
Both are set in Austria though…
Austria is known as the birthplace of some fine individuals.
WHY BLACK PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: I’ll see you again if you become famous!
/raycess!
Anyone who wears a beret who isn’t John Wayne in the Green Beret movie should be immediately designated for termination. The fucking end.
mm pickled herring
This woman had a threesome for her husband’s 40th birthday?
Woa, guys I think it’s time to rethink the whole “let’s bash this bitch” theme.
WHY CANADIAN PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR: They preach wood cutting!
Ah, the Ron Swanson Guide to Parenting.
I’d buy every fucking copy I could afford and air drop those babies over my hometown.
Black Parenting: Beat the hell out of your kid. Rinse. Repeat.
Successful Black Parenting: Beat the hell out of your kid. Explain why you’re beating the hell out of your kid. Rinse. Repeat.
This doesn’t work as much nowadays, but it worked for me. I didn’t leave the house with my parents gone out of FEAR, not respect. The respect came later, when I was old enough to comprehend things like reason and compromise and rationale. My brother hasn’t gotten his ass whipped since he was 5 – he’s much less retarded than I was; as he did not challenge authority and kept his ass in line. Not all kids need to be beaten. Some do. I was one of those kids.
Once your kid gets a certain age, spanking/beating isn’t really effective (if anything, it’s massively counterproductive). I remember my dad threatening to beat me at age 17, to which I responded; “I squat 405 pounds and I’ve been training under an American Kenpo Team member for two years. I probably won’t beat you (my late father was 6’4″ 275) but I will give you hell. I’m not just going to take a beating.” That was that. After 12 or so (some kids earlier, some later) it doesn’t really help t beat your kids.
Two things I see in modern parents disgust me. First, when they try to reason with their kids – well and good if the kid is, I dunno, 24, but I cannot fucking stand it when I see a mom lecturing her six-year-old on why she isn’t buying him fourteen boxes of Oreos like he wants. Second thing I can’t stand is when parents try to be “friends” with their kids. That works with some kids but more often than not it backfires – partially because at age 13 I didn’t respect any of my friends a fraction as much as I respected my parents. If I saw my parents and friends on even footing, I wouldn’t be able to respect my parents as much.
Granted, now I’m 20; and since I have professors and other adult figures as friends now, I’m able to consider my mom as a “friend” and not have it really change anything. But at 16 that wasn’t possible.
I don’t plan on spanking my kids; it’s just not me. I also think that physical discipline is far more often used poorly than it is effectively (my dad never spanked me when he was drunk or even slightly tipsy, never when he was in a bad mood, never when I did the right thing. That’s fucking rare, though). But I won’t hesitate to send them to my Uncle Lorenzo’s Re-education through Labor farm out in East Texas. I spent two weeks there when I was 13. I’d rather get a million beatings than have to labor in the Texas sun in July. That’s worse child abuse than spanking, if you ask me.
I know I’m 20 and don’t know shit about parenting. Just giving the kid’s perspective. My parents spanked me and I didn’t end up a total fuckup, is what I mean.
/well, except for the weed habit
/…and the cigarettes
/…and the drinking
/also, bouts of depression
On second thought, never mind.
When you say “black” do you mean as in “black comedy”, “black metal”, or just “blackety-black-black y’all”?
Black as in “I’ll watch anything with Tyler Perry’s name in front of it” black.
/is black
/would kill Tyler Perry if he could get away with it
Mexican and black families must be a lot alike. We were threatened with an all-boys military school. When you are discovering the wonders of girls, that straightens you up right quick!
That sounds like several redneck parenting manuals I’ve been witness to passed down through the ages with poor English.
This whole “Other Country’s Parents Are Better Than American Parents” thing cries out for a Larry the Cable Guy book on how to raise kids. I’m kinda surprised he hasn’t written one already.
Groundskeeper Willy declares your argument invalid.
Bawstahn parents are bettah than yours. NO ONE DENIES THIS. At least at banging Belicheck.
Don’t you know all American and every thing they do is BAD? We suck suck suck.
Fuck off, assholes.
I get the impression that every American thinks that he/she is about perfect, but every other American sucks.
/But maybe that’s common in every country.
Why Jamaican parents are superior. GANJA, LOTS OF GANJA.
/Not a stereotype
France/Ireland Six Nations Rugby on BBCA at noon pacific
USA 7s rugby on at 12:30 pacific on NBC
They cancelled the France/Ireland game because the pitch was frozen.
I’ve played crappy club games on frozen pitches and really don’t understand the reasoning behind that decision.
Also, for all the reasons to hate Murdoch (and there are many), that he ruined my 2nd favorite newspaper is at the top of the list.
Thank you for coining “Paltrowism”. Today you have done the world a service.
OK, you guys. Seriously. Click this link. Click it immediately. You know I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important.
I mean seriously, guys.
The poor Cleveland Browns guy looks like a homeless Buccaneer. Fitting.
Some good ones but Hokie Wartooth displayed a superior “Headskins” logo earlier this week. Just sayin’.
That is stupendous; the Bear one got me to HARF.
I think we need to find out how the British raise their women so that they like to be spanked…..