I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.

As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.

Hey Caveman,
With fantasy football (and unfortunately now real football) on ice–can you opine for a bit on Peyton Manning’s future? I know you probably don’t like to talk about what every other puppet is yapping about, but as a Dolphins fan, I’m really praying we start next season with something resembling a professional quarterback. I have no idea the medical odds of Manning ever playing again, let alone us getting him, but I need something to cling to. Surely you know what that’s like.

Manning’s done in Indy. This isn’t some huge revelation, as the Colts owe Manning a $28 million option next month, which is about three to six months before anyone will know if the nerves in his throwing arm will regenerate to the point where he can throw again.

So what’s gonna happen? Welcome to the subject of every “Around the Horn” and “PTI” for the next six months. There are, what? Ten, maybe 12 reliably good quarterbacks in the NFL? At any given moment, two-thirds of NFL teams would benefit from one of the best quarterbacks in history. “IF” — I can already hear Mike Wilbon interjecting — “if he gets healthy, Tony.” So yeah. Get used to hearing uninformed speculation.

The Dolphins are a chic prediction right now, and Redskins fans are already clamoring for him, although if I were Manning I’d want to play for a team that had decent receivers. Drew’s certain that he’s headed to the Jets, and it would certainly be an interesting story line to have both Mannings playing in the Meadowlands. Hell, I’d be cool with ol’ Fetushead playing for Seattle, but it’ll never happen because my team is dogshit.

(I wrote all this last night, and today SB Nation has an article about this very subject. Enjoy.)

Secondly, just got out of a couple month thing, never got too serious so everyone’s OK. I’m patient, willing to wait until I meet someone I like, so I’m in no rush. That said, I’d still like some occasional company, where no one’s got expectations and it can either be friendly and flirty but no more, or a “let’s get drunk and see what happens” thing. In college, I had a few friends who fit the bill–everyone does, the person you booty call even though you haven’t seen them in months. But since leaving school, I find myself trying to be more “adult”, and one of the things that seems to mean to me is not booty calling someone you dated in the past. Thus, I have my exes, and my friends, but I don’t hook up with my exes because I think that’s childish to even try for some reason, and I don’t hook up with my friends because, well, we’re not interested in each other. Is that just part of growing up, or am I deluding myself and everyone in their late 20′s still does the same shit they did in college? Is there anyway to get the random hookup without having to hit on drunk girls at a shitty bar?
-Not Into Craigslist Either

To answer your question, I looked back on my late 20s, and I seem to remember having sex at reasonable intervals even though I wasn’t out at bars trying to pick girls up. In fact, going out to the bars with the specific intention of trying to pick up girls NEVER worked, regardless of my age. Part of that is because I don’t really like talking to strangers, but the bigger reason is that I was out TRYING to pick up girls. Women know when that’s why you’re out, and it turns them off. They can smell your desperation. I think back to the handful of occasions since college when I picked up a girl at a bar, and every time I was just having a fun night with friends and not trying to get laid. Catch-22, man.

ANYWAY, your late 20s: just meet people and date casually. I never called up an ex-girlfriend for sex because (a) they were usually living with their new boyfriend a few months after our breakup and (b) I should really have a second reason here. Nevertheless, I feel that by your late 20s, you should have an infrastructure in place to get laid if you want to. Maybe it’s an old high school crush you reconnected with over Facebook who’s in town for the weekend, maybe it’s a cute friend of a mutual friend you met at a party last week, maybe it’s someone you went out with two months ago but didn’t follow up with. These are the seeds of getting laid, and you water them not with a late-night booty call, but with a friendly text/email/phone call with sufficient lead time that tells them you’d like to spend some time with them over dinner. Then you split a bottle of wine and have her sit on your face. Who says romance is dead?

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Passionate Shoguns of the Hershey Highway,
I wrote in to the mailbag once before about an unattractive girl who wanted to fuck me, but whom I didn’t like. You gave me good advice (which I tried to take, but failed), so I thought I’d ask another.

I recall this one. While I was supportive of getting that first sexual encounter out of the way, I was lukewarm about you diving into bed with someone who repulsed you. If I recall correctly, the commenters disagreed and said you should just punch that V-card, bro.

So I told the girl no back then, and eventually ended up not speaking to her for about 3 months. One night three weeks ago, after a night of drinking and smoking with my buddies, she calls me out of the blue. She asks me to come over, so I do. One thing led to another, and I end up fucking her. Even though I didn’t finish, it still counts, right? Can I proudly proclaim I’m no longer a virgin? Someone once told me if you don’t finish, it doesn’t count.

That person probably has a subscription to Maxim.

Is that an accepted law, or just some bullshit? Would your opinion change if I told you I didn’t use a condom? I know these are probably some stupid questions, but I figured I’d ask anyway.

You are no longer a virgin. Penis into vagina = sex. Although you did miss out on the best part, probably because of the weed and booze and not being attracted to the person you were having sex with. Also, because I can never say this enough: USE A CONDOM, IDIOT.

Fast-forward to now. She says I was great apparently (and improbably. She must have had a run of incredibly shitty partners) and wants to make casual sex between us a regular thing. She wants it so much in fact, that she’s willing to let me name the terms of the agreement in full. While I’m not attracted to her, I could probably make use of more experience, and any pussy is better than a sock, right?

I used to think that was true until I had the worst sex of my life (back in my late 20s, of course). She just laid there like a corpse, or someone roofied by a lacrosse player. My hand is a much more considerate and caring lover.

It may be silly, but I kinda feel like I owe it to all men to see this through. I mean, how often does any girl agree to be your fuck buddy on your terms? Of course, it will involve me getting liquored up each time since I don’t find her attractive, but I could manage. The bad news is that I know for a fact she likes me and wanted (probably still wants) me to be her boyfriend, an idea that I’ve shot down repeatedly but she still seems hangs on to, and having sex with her regularly probably isn’t going to dissuade her. It may make her like me more, which in turn will make her (more) clingy and possessive. Do you think should I do it?

If you think I should, I would love to hear and conditions you (and/or the kommentariat) think I should put in place.

Thanks again,
Robert B, a new man

Over the last couple years of writing this mailbag, I’ve seen a recurring opinion in the comments section where someone says, “If you took the time to just read what you wrote, you’d know the right answer.” And I feel that’s the case here. The intelligent, considerate part of you recognizes that this girl likes you so much and has so little self-esteem that she’ll give you no-strings sex on the minuscule chance that it tricks you into being her boyfriend. You recognize that this is a horrible idea, but your balls are like, “AWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH PUSSY!”

It’s incredibly difficult to make sensible decisions when you’re a young man. Your body is awash with hormones, and much of what you do is driven by what’s called your “lizard brain.” On Wikipedia — and, I presume, in credible medical journals — this part of your brain is called the amygdala. No need to click on that link and do any reading: all you need to know is that it’s a primitive nerve center that is hungry, scared, selfish, and horny. It really only cares about eating and fucking — not necessarily in that order.

And the lizard brain never goes away. My body isn’t as riddled with testosterone as it was when I hit puberty at age 23, but the horrible, primal urges are still there. I’m madly in love with and wholly devoted to my fiancee, but I still imagine doing filthy things with strangers because my lizard brain wants me to spread my seed around.

Long story short: getting laid is great, but getting laid from someone you like is a lot better. If this unattractive girl is so smitten with you, then there’s probably someone else — someone you’re actually attracted to — who’s also willing to get naked with you.

**********

Cap’n,
Fantasy: Any advice on convincing a league to go to a keeper system? My league has been going for about 5 years now, with a relatively stable group of members. Plenty of shit-talking, back room deals, and 40 response long email chains about how whether someone’s trade was illegal or just immoral – in short, exactly what a league should be. So why change a good thing? Keepers to me seem like a good added piece of strategy, plus something to keep up a bit of interaction in the off-season, since the members are spread across the country. Your thoughts?

Keeper leagues, like any crippling addiction, have to be introduced to users gradually. First of all, you have to introduce it a year out — you can’t just be like, “Okay, let’s do a keeper league and you get to keep two guys you drafted last year.” You have to be like, “Okay, in 2013 you get to keep one guy from Rounds 2 through 8, and one guy from Rounds 9 through 15.” I especially like that format for introducing a league to keepers for a couple reasons:

  1. Because one keeper comes from the later rounds of the draft, people stay more engaged throughout the entirety of the draft than they otherwise would be.
  2. By eliminating first-round draft picks (which don’t change too dramatically from year to year) from keeper contention, the first round of the draft still has the same amount of drama as non-keeper leagues.
  3. Two keepers won’t completely shake things up. If people drag their feet, you can say, “Hey, let’s try it for a year, and if we don’t like it we’ll scrap it.” They’ll like it. Oh, they’ll like it real good.

Sex: I got out of a long-term thing back in August, and have been using the time since then taking your advice about bettering myself. I have lost some weight, met a bunch of new people, gotten my first real, adult job, and have all-around been just working on becoming a better person. One of those people I have met in the last few weeks is a woman who I am interested in. We have been getting to know each other at social events, spending a lot of time in groups of friends, but not getting a chance to hang out one on one yet. I was hoping to change that last night. We met up at one of our regular bars, (unfortunately) ran in to some friends of ours that happened to be there, and proceeded to be in yet another group for the remainder of the night.

When I was in the Marines, dickhead officers would always break out this alliterative tsk-tsk: “Piss-poor planning prevents proper performance.” Which is to say: maybe if you’d taken her to dinner or a movie instead of meeting at the same bar where you always hang out with your mutual friends, you wouldn’t have run into your mutual friends.

However, as part of that group setting, she and I talked for most of the night. I’d like to think I was charming, debonair, some other good adjective. Things seemed to be going well. At the end of the night I was planning on walking her back to her car and seeing if we could arrange more of a formal date. However, before we left the bar, she got a call from her step-mom. Her dad just died.

Drag.

Although she said they weren’t particularly close, that obviously ended the night. One of her friends came and picked her up at the bar and she left completely distraught. Obviously I am less concerned about whatever was between us than I am about her emotional well being at this point, but what is the point of anonymous internet advice if not to ask questions that may make us seem like assholes? What do I do in this situation to be there if she needs me, but not turn in to the friend that was there for her when her father died, who has no chance of being more than that?
Thanks,
Witty Nickname

I think you’re worrying about something that isn’t really a problem. You ever seen High Fidelity? It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, because it deftly shows the development of “young guy acting like a jackass” to “man who commits to a woman he loves.” It also has Jack Black before Jack Black acting like Jack Black was annoying. But I’m getting sidetracked. More immediately relevant to you is that Laura’s dad dies, and she decides to have sex with Rob because “I want to feel something else than this. It’s either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.” And they go with sex, because Rob only has a few cigarettes left, and he’s saving them for later.

Of course, things don’t always work out like they do in the movies, so don’t expect to get laid in the car after the funeral. But this girl is either interested in you, or she isn’t. She’s not going to go from “I like that guy” to “I only like him as a friend because my dad died.” Women can be crazy, but I don’t think their feelings swing quite like that.

**********

Dear internet senseis,
Footbawl- Fuck normal fantasy football at this point. I won my first league thanks to the Randy Moss 23TD show and Kurt Warner reminding everyone he is good at football, but since then I have been competitive in most leagues, but I just has lost the passion.

Reminder: please read your emails before clicking “send.”

As a way to counter this, me and a couple of my friends

“a couple of my friends and I”

want to create a Fantasy League of Suck, so we can be rewarded for inept football. The question is I guess, does any of the normal websites have a way to edit their scoring so it’s a reverse scoring system almost? Or will we have to suck it up and actually make the program and then use some website to host it. Also is it safe to assume that Blaine Gabbert is the early #1 pick?

Why don’t you just keep everything the same, and the winner of the league is whoever has the worst record?

Sex… Ok lack there of: My teenage years have been one steaming pile of shit after the other, culminating in having to go to a residential program for a year to stop me from being crazy. Now, teenage girls clearly didn’t help me gain my sanity back, so I don’t have the best experience. But im all better now (with doctors notes and meds to boot!) and have actually gotten into a few decent colleges to go to in the fall so I realize I am the shit. However I graduated high school while in treatment and I never went to school where I live now, so I really don’t have many friends, and of those, less are wimmins.

Probably a good thing. That way you’re not known as “the guy who went crazy.”

Now I realize I am not going to find true love or some sappy shit like that before college, but I want to at least be able to have a conversation with a woman and not act like a level 7 dumbass in front of her. Any idea on how to meet wimins in a smallish town that are going to be close to my age (18) and not derps. I am open to any advice that you (and those asshat commenters you have, LOOKING AT YOU SMOC AND FEK) have on how to gain some sort of experience on how to meet and deal with females, so I don’t become that one guy who makes every conversation awkward.
Thanks,
Iodine, KSK Poll addict

I’ve tried to purge most of my memories of life before I went to college, but I DO remember meeting girls who didn’t go to my high school when I was a teenager. I had two methods for this: (1) I got a job, and (2) I went to concerts with an outgoing friend. Both of those things are worthwhile endeavors even if you DON’T meet girls, unless the concert you go to is Live’s Throwing Copper tour.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy– My main league does a live snake draft every year, which has been great, but we try to tweak the league a little bit each year to add some flair. This year I’m considering switching to a live auction– have you ever done a live auction before?

No.

I’ve done several online ones, but I’m a little concerned that doing it live could be a disaster, since a) copious amounts of alcohol are always consumed on draft night and b) we won’t have yahoo’s trusty server keeping track of everything for us. Any experience with a live auction and/or any tips on how to keep everything organized and running smoothly?

Why not do a live draft online? Everybody brings a laptop or iPad to someplace with wi-fi (preferably someone’s home, because you are gonna look like DORKS in public), and then you combine the camaraderie of doing it live with the ease of being online?

Sex– Yup, it’s a Valentine’s Day question. I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve been dating a girl for about a month and a half and everything’s great so far, but I’m concerned about the Valentine’s Day protocol. We aren’t too serious yet– at this point we talk if not every day then close to it and see each other 2-3 times per week. I’m thinking just order a relatively basic flower arrangement and send it to her apartment. Not too grand a gesture, yet good and simple enough to let her know I like where we’re at. Sound good? Any other advice for this most ridiculous of holidays?
Much obliged,
MC

That sounds very nice. I suggest making her dinner, too. Doesn’t have to be anything too over the top fancy or romantic — the gesture alone should be enough to flatter her without setting the bar too high should you still be dating her next year.

**********

Dear Libido Liaisons,
Football: I’m in a pretty serious auction draft league with a $200 budget. I can keep 2 keepers. One no-brainer is to keep my $1 free agent pickup Cam Newton, the other is the question… The options are: Demarious Thomas for $1, DeMarco Murray for $1, Jordy Nelson for $1, Jamaal Charles for $56, or the one I’m leaning towards, Jimmy Graham for $1. Obviously Charles is coming off ACL surgery and has a high price-tag, so there’s 2 red-flags, DeMarco showed flashes of being great, but murdered his ankle, Jordy Nelson had a great year, but who the fuck knows with WR’s year to year, and Jimmy Graham was awesome — but he’s a TE. I guess I can eliminate Demarious Thomas, cuz ya know, he has Dickface throwing him the ball. What the fuck do I do?

Jimmy Graham. I shouldn’t need to spell this out, but when you have a guy who puts up receiver numbers at the tight end position, you have a distinct advantage over almost everyone else in the league. Over the last few years, only Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark, and Jason Witten put up reliably solid numbers from that position, and each had his shortcomings (Gates has his foot injury, Clark is worthless without Manning, Witten faded with a better WR corps). This year, it became apparent that Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham were light years better than anyone else at their position, and fuck me for not snagging one of these guys in a keeper league.

Sex: I am 26, but I look (and act) young. My girlfriend is 20. We’ve been dating since July. We have an awesome relationship (retarded right?). She’s not completely stupid like most 20 year olds, and all her friends love me. She loves anal, watching porn with me, shower sex, random blowies, road head, blowing it in her face, oiled-up massage sex, sex in bathrooms at parties, I DP her with her vibrator, spanking, dirty talk, sex at sporting events, Christ, we even snuck into an alley on her birthday and we fucked — ROMANCE! — shrimp soup, shrimp sandwich, coconut shrimp, you get the idea…

I actually got the idea after the first three or four explicit descriptions of depraved sex acts. Everything else made it sound like your girlfriend loves anal because your penis is so tiny.

So yeah, sex life is phenomenal. She “lets” me go on weekends with “the guys” and doesn’t complain, (I’ll try and stop using quotes, I swear) watch football all day, get drunk, I’ve even taught her the intricacies of gambling on sports. She asked me to “put $20 down on a 3-bet tease where the Pats win” — Yes, I’m a Patriots fan, but not an asshole –

Oh, I’m sure.

Like, whose girlfriend embraces their gambling? Like I said, all this shit is great, but honestly, I’m out of shit to do. We go to dinner (I always pay), we have lots of sex, I get her off multiple times, cuz she fucking deserves it, but I honestly don’t know how to keep this girl entertained without my penis inside her.

/rubs temples

/heavy sigh

Well, the comments section should be lively after this. You are either a master douchebag or an expert troll.

She’s said recently that we “don’t do anything” (fuck, sorry). We’re lame and watch our Netflix TV shows and Hulu and all that shit, but I can’t take this girl to any bars or clubs or anything of the like, because she’s not 21 yet. What in the fuck does a 26 year old guy do with his 20 year old girlfriend? We live in Boston (fuck me, right?) and there’s gotta be shit for a 20 year old to do right? RIGHT?? I’m out of ideas, how do I entertain this girl with shit that I might possibly want to do too?

-Lucky Asshole

p.s. I’m not fucking rich.

Get her a donkey. Seems like she might be up for it.

Seriously, though, Boston gets a bad rap because its sports fans are such notorious assholes, but the city itself is fantastic. I was going to write up a list of all the cool things you can do in Boston — I was there in October and went for a great bike ride on the Charles — but then you had to go and send this follow-up email:

I might have to go to an aquarium on Saturday if you don’t help me out — please god, no aquarium…

And that’s when it became clear that you DON’T want ideas for things to do in Boston. You wanted to brag about all the filthy sex you have with your girlfriend, and then complain that you can’t take her to bars because she’s 20. So fuck you. Aquariums are awesome.