Sure, we’re probably a week late on this draft. But if there’s one thing that can distract people on the internet from perfectly captured breasts, it’s The Simpsons. Everybody gets three swimsuit models at the height of their respective talents to create their ideal imaginary issue. Don’t act like you’ve never done this.
This week’s draft order is as follows.
1. Christmas Ape
3. Big Daddy Drew
4. Unsilent Majority
5. Captain Caveman
1. Ape – Bar Refaeli
Ed. note: Game over.
2. Flubby – Kathy Ireland
I’m a child of the 80s. Back then boobs weren’t as plentiful as they were today and the swimsuit issue was the closest thing to pr0n allowed in house. I owe Ms. Ireland a profound debt of gratitude. Now to pay my respects –> www.thankyourwank.com
3. BDD – Marissa Miller
Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller.
4. UM – Tyra Banks
That ’97 cover was very important to 14 year-old Maj.
5. CC – Stacey Williams
NOT A REACH. The most underrated swimsuit model in SI history.
Round One Recap: We saw blue chipper after blue chipper drafted right up until Ufford pulled Stacey Williams out of nowhere. The picture I went with backed up his claim, but then there’s this.
6. CC – Heidi Klum
Because she stayed with SI and Victoria’s Secret so long (and therefore declined so gradually), it’s hard to remember precisely how scorching she was in the late ’90s and early ’00s. This helped jog my memory.
7. UM – Elle Macpherson
8. BDD – Laetitia Casta
You can have my third round pick. All I wanted were Laetitia and Marisa. FACT: I had a full imaginary relationship with Laetitia Casta back in my early 20’s. A really torrid affair.
9. Flubby – Brooklyn Decker
10. Ape – Kate Upton
Round Two Recap: There certainly weren’t any reaches in this grouping. It’s all right, you can scroll back up to that gif now.
11. Ape – Ana Beatriz Barros
12. Flubby – Gabrielle Reece
13. BDD – Ashley Montana Richardson
Montana was perhaps the most fully endowed SI model of them all.
14. UM – Esti Ginzburg
15. CC – Lujan Fernandez
With apologies to Rachel Hunter, Elle MacPherson, Paulina Porizkova, and Stephanie Seymour, I’ve already got an American brunette girl next door and an all-time hot blonde from Germany, which leaves me one hot-assed Latina shy of my dream swimsuit issue. And Lujan had an ass that changed my life:
Round Three Recap: Ape balances out his roster by pairing a gaunt Brazilian with his second round fatty. Then Flubby makes arguably the worst pick in the history of mock drafts. How he left a pre-Joel Christie Brinkley on the board in order to take volleyball playing gigantuous is beyond me.
I want more like this!
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