KSK Mock Draft: SI Swimsuit Models
02.24.12
Sure, we’re probably a week late on this draft. But if there’s one thing that can distract people on the internet from perfectly captured breasts, it’s The Simpsons. Everybody gets three swimsuit models at the height of their respective talents to create their ideal imaginary issue. Don’t act like you’ve never done this.
This week’s draft order is as follows.
1. Christmas Ape
2. Flubby
3. Big Daddy Drew
4. Unsilent Majority
5. Captain Caveman
1. Ape – Bar Refaeli
Ed. note: Game over.
2. Flubby – Kathy Ireland
I’m a child of the 80s. Back then boobs weren’t as plentiful as they were today and the swimsuit issue was the closest thing to pr0n allowed in house. I owe Ms. Ireland a profound debt of gratitude. Now to pay my respects –> www.thankyourwank.com
3. BDD – Marissa Miller
Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller. Marisa Miller.
4. UM – Tyra Banks
That ’97 cover was very important to 14 year-old Maj.
5. CC – Stacey Williams
NOT A REACH. The most underrated swimsuit model in SI history.
Round One Recap: We saw blue chipper after blue chipper drafted right up until Ufford pulled Stacey Williams out of nowhere. The picture I went with backed up his claim, but then there’s this.
6. CC – Heidi Klum
Because she stayed with SI and Victoria’s Secret so long (and therefore declined so gradually), it’s hard to remember precisely how scorching she was in the late ’90s and early ’00s. This helped jog my memory.
7. UM – Elle Macpherson
8. BDD – Laetitia Casta
You can have my third round pick. All I wanted were Laetitia and Marisa. FACT: I had a full imaginary relationship with Laetitia Casta back in my early 20′s. A really torrid affair.
9. Flubby – Brooklyn Decker
10. Ape – Kate Upton
Round Two Recap: There certainly weren’t any reaches in this grouping. It’s all right, you can scroll back up to that gif now.
11. Ape – Ana Beatriz Barros
12. Flubby – Gabrielle Reece
13. BDD – Ashley Montana Richardson
Montana was perhaps the most fully endowed SI model of them all.
14. UM – Esti Ginzburg
15. CC – Lujan Fernandez
With apologies to Rachel Hunter, Elle MacPherson, Paulina Porizkova, and Stephanie Seymour, I’ve already got an American brunette girl next door and an all-time hot blonde from Germany, which leaves me one hot-assed Latina shy of my dream swimsuit issue. And Lujan had an ass that changed my life:
Round Three Recap: Ape balances out his roster by pairing a gaunt Brazilian with his second round fatty. Then Flubby makes arguably the worst pick in the history of mock drafts. How he left a pre-Joel Christie Brinkley on the board in order to take volleyball playing gigantuous is beyond me.
Images via Sports Illustrated. Get the swimsuit issue on your phone here.
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Somewhere Darren Rovell is throwing up all over his keyboard.
Maj is intimidated by women taller than he–so basically anyone over 5’2″.
I’m going to the combine to set the record straight on this matter.
how Kate Upton didn’t go first overall is beyond me
Give me Rebecca Romijn
Damn, I keep forgetting I have image posting privileges.
I know I’m old and all, but Cheryl Tiegs, people, Cheryl Tiegs!
I’m with you brother.
Now let’s sit in the park and play chess.
Perhaps one of our chosen brethren could post the knit swimsuit pic here? I spent a lot of time looking at that back in the pre-intertube days…
The Cheryl Tiegs white bikini cover made my high school aged boner salute EVERY time.
I’ll bring some bread crumbs to feed the pigeons.
I’m not sure it’s the same one yeah right is referring to, but this one made my youth.
/pulls up a park seat. Starts playing dominoes.
BTW, NSFW -see-through nipples
[redriverautographs.files.wordpress.com]
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff!
/puts nitro pill under tongue
/shakes fist at skaters chasing pigeons
That white knit swimsuit shot was in the ’81 (I think?) swimsuit issue. This was before the issue was as big as it is now, so there it sat in our elementary school library. It was months before the librarian finally decided to open the magazine to figure out why all of the 5th- and 6th-grade boys kept checking that issue out. Suddenly it wasn’t on the shelves anymore…
Yep! That’s the one. Boner still functioning on auto-pilot.
I hear there’s a cribbage tournament on the first Thursday of every month.
Ridiculous, you can have your uglies. I’ll take my Thai-Norweigan princess Chrissy Teigen.
Reggie Miller.
Angie Everhart. A redhead with an ass that could stop time.
1. Jessica Gomes
Daniela Pestova. Yes please.
Elsa Benitez
I will take Christy Brinkley in the “Vacation” era.
*fap* *fap* *fap*
Fuck it, Abbey Clancy:
Candice Swanepoel
Feel in love with this one 2 years ago when she wore body paint in the SI swimsuit issue. Melissa Satta
Imma fight Ape for Upton and Bar.
I am old so I was always a huge Kathy Ireland fan, however that image makes her look like she is in mid makeup for the Broadway show “Cats”. But still a good selection.
There was this one Middle Eastern girl in the 90s named Yamila or Yadhira or something like that. Anyway, HER.
Yamila Diaz-Rahi
First Image after searching her. BOOM topless.
That’s why she’s my fave. Thanks, MFJP56!
Here is the image No Ducks is talking about (NSFW-boobies)
[wallcrow.com]
Looked at image. Hate you so much right now.
She’s also all the way to our right (stage left) on the main image for this draft.
Vendela.
That’s first round value right there.
2. Josie Maran.
Probably a reach here, but Veronica Varekova.
That ass is not a reach. That’s good 4th round ass if I ever saw one.
Irina Shayk
[www.anorak.co.uk]
damn. you beat me to it: [timenewsfeed.files.wordpress.com]
Not a pick, just wanted to congratulate Ape on winning.
Her. [sportsillustrated.cnn.com]
Dammit Tracer, you stole Angie, great pick. I’ll have to go with my backup. Eva Herzegova
[www.wallpaperextreme.com]
Sorry, dude. I married a redhead with a great ass so Angie was a no-brainer.
That one black chick that kept showing up in the mag during the 90′s who was bald…Iman or something. She was terrible. I’LL TAKE HER!
Grace Jones approves: [www.theaureview.com]
Stephanie Seymour is available? DONE. And I am out of the contest.
Oh, and good call on Ashley Richardson BDD, 13:45 of this video (just jump there) made my year in 1993. 16 year old me probably should’ve went blind for trying to clearly see nipples on a paused VHS recording (thank you HBO for airing the 92 and 93 swimsuit docs over and over again back then).
[www.youtube.com]
Mark McGrath’s trollface here is strong: [sportsillustrated.cnn.com]
Jessica Gomes makes my dick throw up so hard. That is all.
3. Estella Warren. I needed to round out my roster with a blonde, and if you’re going to draft an actual athlete, you can’t do better.
Speaking of SI cover girl Kate Upton, happy sexy Friday. I recommending pausing the video at the 0:28- 0:29 mark. Enjoy.
So jealous of the guy who gets to straighten her garters and thigh high stockings.
Thanks guys, as if it wasn’t difficult to finish work on a friday already, I have been reduced to image searching every name that pops up here.
Mallory Snyder, thank you good night
2. Anne V. YOINK.
Jessica Van Der Steen.
[www.rexwallpapers.com]
Genevieve Morton. So underrated.
/incidentally, Ape fucking stole this draft. How you get Bar and Kate is beyond me.
Cuntler took her. Try again.
Ah fuck.
Underrated indeed. I knew that South Africa has better women to offer than Candice Swanepoel, and Genevieve Morton proves it.
Tori Praver.
There was supposed to be a picture, so here goes my second try
In which case we go Sarah Brandner.
4. Selita Ebanks. Need to add some color to my roster, and getting a Victoria’s Secret angel in the fourth round is a steal.
That Esti pic is precisely what my morning needed. If anyone asks for me, I’ll be in my room.
+1 for the throwback to last week’s draft, but -2 for screwing it up.
I spent upwards of half an hour trying to figure out what you meant. Mostly trying to remember what last week’s draft was (initially I thought it was the cereal one). Rest assured, if my reference were intentional, I would’ve gotten it right.
… Also, so’s your face.
For me it’s got to Elle, because I met her briefly at Hogs and Heifers one night in 1997.
If you think she’s hot on paper…
Chandra North.
Babette March
[tiskin.com]
/tastes like Grandma
Jarah Mariano
[media.photobucket.com]
Nice pick. I was hoping she would fall far enough that I could steal her as a late round sleeper.
Oh, and what the hell is up with posting a link to a gallery that features over 100 images of her? Some of us are supposed to be working, you know.
/Seriously, I could flip through that gallery all day.
LOL, thanks. I’ve been infatuated with her since the old navy commercials.
Just… made… it. 118. Like… some kind of.. demented Fap-athalon….
/sore wristed
Is there some reason Adriana Lima is still available? Was she never in a Swimsuit issue? That seems impossible. I’ll take her, but if she doesn’t count, I will take Cintia Dicker. Redheads forever.
Just did some “research”. Lima was indeed in a swimsuit issue before. So that’s my pick. YOINK. Also, fuck you Marco Jaric. Fuck you till the end of time.
Sorry to swoop in and take Cintia…no, wait, I am exactly the opposite of sorry.
Petra Nemcova. If she can handle a tsunami, she can handle anything.
A thousand times yes to this.
The girl I was dating when Paulina Porizkova was in SI indicated that Paulina would be a threesome candidate she would consider. THAT has been a staple in my mental image spank bank for nearly thirty years!
Cool story bro!
Forgot to pick her. Paulina Porizkova, picked.
You proabably had/have a shot, considering she is married to this guy: [media.photobucket.com]
I shall not click your link and have Ocasek sully my mental images of PP!
/drives
Are celebrities/other one year swimsuit issue wonders available to be drafted? Because if so, I would like to take 2007 cover model Beyoncé and feel very, VERY justified in my being a sneaky son of a bitch.
I’d say that if there was a picture of her in the Swimsuit Issue and she’s wearing swimsuit, she’s fair game.
I that case, I choose NOMAAAHHH!
/starting a company softball league
5. Monique Moura De Carvalho. I needed a Latina to round out my roster, and I’ll take the one that provided one of the most iconic images in SI’s Swimsuit Issue history:
[i.cdn.turner.com]
That’s it for me. While it’s not really possible to have a “bad” draft given the source material, I’m very happy with my roster:
1. Jessica Gomes
2. Josie Maran
3. Estella Warren
4. Selita Ebanks
5. Monique Moura De Carvalho
I like my swimsuit issues kissed by fire: Cintia Dicker [popoholic.com]
God bless sexy Friday! Next draft should be Victoria secrets models followed by porn stars
PORN STAR DRAFT PLEEZ
Porn stars happened back in 2007.
[kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com]
What’s up with all these fatties?
Daniella Sarahyba. Gorgeous.
Great avatar.
Elsa Benitez.
No Petra?
Verkaik? Fuck and yes.
+2 YUUUUUUUGE breasts for Sill
Why do commenters ask questions instead of making a pick?
I mean if a question is part of a joke or a point of Kommentariat (Kommentarial?)procedure I understand. But if it’s rhetorical or “Why you dumasses no pik random chick I think hot? STUPIDZ!!1!” that shit is worthless.
That said, I officially pick Petra Nemcova
/falls off soap box … sexily
13 YO Sill was quite…moved by the YUUUUUUUUGE.
Quite. Moved.
Spanky, she unfortunately was chosen earlier by phylipsbane, with the witty report: “If she can handle a tsunami, she can handle anything.”
I take it your “Ctrl+C” is broken? (iLOLolololLLOL!11!!)
And she still looks like this:
[www.petracentral.com]
I think I would take her over any woman who ever lived.
/back in 5
//see what I did there? I’M GONE FAPPIN’
Yep Cuntler, my bad.
I guess in my haste to climb on my soap box I forgot to Ctrl-f (and close my italics). Good catch.
A little Simling Petra side-boob to wash away my fail?
*Smiling Petra side-boob…
Yep.
Kim Alexis:
Spanky; slip right in… wait, that’s not mayo is it?
Kim Alexis scouting report:
Moose, I hope you don’t mind but I’m gonna reply here just so can appear to be a Spanky sandwich between two OUTSTANDING pieces of Kim Alexis bread.
(So soft and warm…)
Kommander Sparkly Dong (my avatar) is pissed that I am so late in picking Bridget Hall.
Stupid work filters letting all the stupid kommenters take all my stupid girls while I am at stupid work!
/kicks rock…
Then realizes, SHE is still on the board! Cindy Fucking Crawford in the fucking fountain!!!!
[swimsuitologist.blogspot.com]
If any of the Elite 15 can post the fountain image by itself, so as to not mislead everyone….
Before there was Marissa, or Kate, there was Cindy. And in her own gentle, one-picture-ever-in-SI swimsuit issue way, she taught a blooming young lad what it is to fap. And again with her Pepsi commercials…..
Is this the one?
OK, maybe that is not the one; I like this one better:
Here is on of her just casually out shopping:
OK, that last one didn’t work.
You are a great man! Tim Tebow blesses you. But there is one specific photo, the only one of her ever in SI Swimsuit Issues. Follow this link and it’s the second photo down: [swimsuitologist.blogspot.com]
Can’t really find one… except on my hard drive.
I shudder to ask what the “Moose” equivalent of the Tebow pose would be, but 1,000 Mooses (meese?) in your direction, great sir!
I never thought about it before, but until I think of something original this will do. Since it is not mine we can’t call it Moosing, but feel free to use it in inpappropriate places or situations.
“Later, Gaaaaaay Boyyyyz!”
/apropos of nothing? MAYBE
I wasn’t even going to post. I was content just looking through the inspired posts of everyone else…then I stumbled across Visit W3Schools.com!
The only pick I need.
Here that one is:
FYI: 8. BDD – Laetitia Casta; not wearing bottoms.
Just to be sure:
She is not unattractive.
C’mon Moose. As one of the 1%, would you please help a lowly 99% out and post the image of Cindy Crawford in the fountain from the 1988 issue?
I will find a better quality .jpg; in the mean time:
Stephanie Seymour is still on the board; she got ruined by Axl Rose, but when she did this shot:
One of my favorites from those days when you could have the calendars at work:
[www.celebritydietdoctor.com]
Niki Tyler
Taylor. And her little sister, Krissy (Kristy?) was equally not-unattractive, but she died of some malady or other. Can’t remember if she was ever in the swimsuit issue…
Cindy Crawford, Laetitia Casta, and Josie Moran would have been my picks.