Since the dawn of time man has yearned to gather their favorite Simpsons quotes in one place. This is the place, and the time is now. The internet has been flooded with all sorts of delightful Simpsons nostalgia this week, and it’s not because FOX is paying any of us. It’s because the 500th episode is about to air. No matter how you feel about the better part of the past couple of hundred, that’s a pretty awesome milestone.

Five years ago (!) we left it up to the commenters to draft individual episodes. This week we’re undertaking an even more difficult task: our favorite quotes. The draft order is as follows…

1. Unsilent Majority (D’oh)
2. Christmas Ape
3. Flubby
4. Big Daddy Drew
5. Captain Caveman


1. UM – “Here’s to alcohol…”

2. Ape – Shelbyvillians

Man 1: Missing children?
Man 2: Sounds like Springfield’s got a discipline problem.
Man 3: Maybe that why we beat them at football nearly half the time, huh?

3. Flubby – Grover Cleveland

4. BDD – Since the beginning of time…

5. CC – Look out, Itchy!

6. CC – Hot stuff…

7. BDD – Kwik-E-Mart

8. Flubby – Flaming Homer

9. Ape – Flash-fry

10. UM – Italy or France?

11. UM – Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance

12. Ape – Hi, I’m Troy McClure…

Hi! I’m Troy McClure, you may remember me from such cartoons as ‘Christmas Ape’ and ‘Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp’.

13. Flubby – Captain Whatshisname

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Makes sound effect, laughs]. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

14. BDD – Scotsman

15. CC – Queen of the harpies!

16. CC – Independent Thought Alarm

17. BDD – Strikebreakers

Via Hulu

18. Flubby – Homer the secretary

Here are your messages: “You have 30 minutes to move your car,” “You have 10 minutes,” “Your car has been impounded,” “Your car has been crushed into a cube,” “You have 30 minutes to move your cube.”

19. Ape – Double guitars

20. UM – Inflammable

Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

21. UM – Don’t kid yourself…

22. Ape – Attempted chemistry

23. Flubby – Company picnic

Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.

24. BDD – The American way

If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

25. CC – Singin’ off key

Immediately after the draft we all realize that we missed a bunch of clear favorites. For instance, I don’t think we had a single pick from all-time greats like Marge vs. the Monorail, Itchy & Scratchy Land, King of the Hill and Treehouse of Horror V. Now it’s your chance to pounce on the ones we missed in the comments. Just play nice, and wait for ten people to pick in between your selections. And damn it, don’t pick the same shit over and over again.

Feel free to include your five favorite episodes, because that’s always fun. Here’s what my list looks like, in no particular order.

Itchy and Scratchy Land
Lisa the Vegetarian
You Only Move Twice
Last Exit to Springfield
Lemon of Troy

Sorry, Conan. Monorail would have been number six.

Images via Go Simsonic, Dead Homer Society, Nintendo Master, The Football Ramble, Simpsons Crazy, Wish You Were Beer, Pearl Drummers Forum