KSK Mock Draft: Simpsons Quotations
02.17.12
Since the dawn of time man has yearned to gather their favorite Simpsons quotes in one place. This is the place, and the time is now. The internet has been flooded with all sorts of delightful Simpsons nostalgia this week, and it’s not because FOX is paying any of us. It’s because the 500th episode is about to air. No matter how you feel about the better part of the past couple of hundred, that’s a pretty awesome milestone.
Five years ago (!) we left it up to the commenters to draft individual episodes. This week we’re undertaking an even more difficult task: our favorite quotes. The draft order is as follows…
1. Unsilent Majority (D’oh)
2. Christmas Ape
3. Flubby
4. Big Daddy Drew
5. Captain Caveman
1. UM – “Here’s to alcohol…”
2. Ape – Shelbyvillians
Man 1: Missing children?
Man 2: Sounds like Springfield’s got a discipline problem.
Man 3: Maybe that why we beat them at football nearly half the time, huh?
3. Flubby – Grover Cleveland
4. BDD – Since the beginning of time…
5. CC – Look out, Itchy!
6. CC – Hot stuff…
7. BDD – Kwik-E-Mart
8. Flubby – Flaming Homer
9. Ape – Flash-fry
10. UM – Italy or France?
11. UM – Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance
12. Ape – Hi, I’m Troy McClure…
Hi! I’m Troy McClure, you may remember me from such cartoons as ‘Christmas Ape’ and ‘Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp’.
13. Flubby – Captain Whatshisname
How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Makes sound effect, laughs]. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. BDD – Scotsman
15. CC – Queen of the harpies!
16. CC – Independent Thought Alarm
17. BDD – Strikebreakers
18. Flubby – Homer the secretary
Here are your messages: “You have 30 minutes to move your car,” “You have 10 minutes,” “Your car has been impounded,” “Your car has been crushed into a cube,” “You have 30 minutes to move your cube.”
19. Ape – Double guitars
20. UM – Inflammable
Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
21. UM – Don’t kid yourself…
22. Ape – Attempted chemistry
23. Flubby – Company picnic
Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.
24. BDD – The American way
If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
25. CC – Singin’ off key
Immediately after the draft we all realize that we missed a bunch of clear favorites. For instance, I don’t think we had a single pick from all-time greats like Marge vs. the Monorail, Itchy & Scratchy Land, King of the Hill and Treehouse of Horror V. Now it’s your chance to pounce on the ones we missed in the comments. Just play nice, and wait for ten people to pick in between your selections. And damn it, don’t pick the same shit over and over again.
Feel free to include your five favorite episodes, because that’s always fun. Here’s what my list looks like, in no particular order.
Itchy and Scratchy Land
Lisa the Vegetarian
You Only Move Twice
Last Exit to Springfield
Lemon of Troy
Sorry, Conan. Monorail would have been number six.
Images via Go Simsonic, Dead Homer Society, Nintendo Master, The Football Ramble, Simpsons Crazy, Wish You Were Beer, Pearl Drummers Forum
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From “Itchy and Scratchy Land”, a quote that never gets old: “When you get to hell, tell ‘em Itchy sent you!”
“So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him”
“How ironic.”
ralphie if your nose starts bleeding it means you’re picking it too much… or not enough.
“What was I laughing at again? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman.”
Homer the Heretic
Last Exit to Springfield
Marge v. the Monorail
Rosebud
Homer’s Enemy (aka “Frank Grimes”)
“Hi Supernintendo Chalmers! I’m learnding!”
“Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as ‘Smoke Yourself Thin,’ and ‘Get Confident, Stupid!’”
Lisa: “You’re a latter-day Clarence Darrow!”
Hutz: “Uh, was he the black guy on the Mod Squad?”
Ralph: I ated the purple berries!
[Within moments, he collapses to the ground, groaning in pain.]
Bart: How are they, Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like.. burning!
or really, any quote from Ralph Wiggum
Freemasons run the country!
I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
From the Cat Burglar episode;
‘Homer; “So it seems the cat; has been caught; by the very person who was trying to catch him”
Skinner; “How ironic”
“We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere – like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”
Also: best mock draft ever? Best mock draft ever.
More like “worst…draft…ever”
“It’s just a little airborne, it’s still good, it’s still good!”
this.
damn claymaker i was too slow. had to register.
Me fail english? That’s unpossible!
Cletus: “Hey Ma, get off the dang roof!”
Lisa: “Grandpa, didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”
Abe: “I figured it was because the Democrats were in power again.”
From the 330lb homer episode.
Monty Burns: “More Teddy Roosevelt, and less Franklin Roosevelt.”
I don’t want to look like a weirdo or anything. Just give me the mumu and the fat guy hat.
Dr. Nick: “The coroner? I’m getting so sick of that guy!”
Lisa, in this house, we OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
Nice
Love it
Hey rummy, where’d ya pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
“Oh, I wanna be John Elway.” [dream sequence] “Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown. Thanks to Elway’s patented last second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX: Denver 7, San Francisco 56.”
Still hurts.
“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else — and it hasn’t — it’s that girls should stick to girl’s sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”
“Lisa, I’m familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.”
Bart:”So how come your were sergeant and Monty Burns was a private?”
Grandpa: “He got busted down to private for obstructing a probe from J.Edgar Hoover.
From ‘Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming’
An airshow? A bunch of buzz-cut Alabamians spewing colored smoke from their wizz-jets to the tired strains of ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’? What sort of country-fried rube is still impressed with that?
\smash cut to the Simpson household
“When I grow up, I’m going to Bovine University!”
Although I am more of a South Park guy…
Man: That is the rarest gummi of them all, the gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans who were exclusively in the medium of gummi.
Marge: Will you two stop saying “gummi” so much?
“Lionel Hutz doesn’t exist anymore. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!”
“Don’t you hate pants?”
I can’t believe you beat me to this one
So you tried, and you failed. You learned an important lesson: never try.
I don’t know, Marge, trying is the first step towards failure.
DENTAL PLAN! LISA NEEDS BRACES! Times infinity.
Whoa, I had mustard?
WELL DONE sir.
TRAMAMPOLINE! TRABOPOLINE!!
They didn’t have any aspirin so i got you some cigarettes.
Kent: Ladies and gentlemen, er, we’ve just lost the picture, but, uh, what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has been taken over — “conquered”, if you will — by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no
stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
“It’s a pornography store! I was buying pornography!”
[www.youtube.com]
+1
Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Audible guffaw in the office. Shit. Totally worth it.
thank you.
Lisa: Mom!
Homer: Huh — wha — Lisa! What’s up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it’s absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he’s hiding under–
Homer: Aah! Boogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I’ll get the gun! Bart, I don’t want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman and/or boogeymen in the house!
Marge: What happened here?
Homer: Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogeyman! (throws shotgun and it discharges)
Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!
Duffman! Can’t breathe!
Duffman says a lot of things baby! OH YEAH!
“Mr Gore, somebody bought your book!”
“Well that calls for a celebration….”
?”Mrs. Simpson, I’m sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.” “Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you’d see how sane he is.” “You mean there really is a Bart? GOOD LORD!”
Lisa: If you’re the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
Homer : Aw … The Denver Broncos !?!
Marge : I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer : Yeah, yeah.
Marge : Well, explain to me why it isn’t.
Homer : You just don’t understand football, Marge.
I’d relocate their stadium to the Hammock District.
Yes! For the win!
Hello sir, I represent the Arizona Cardinals
Homer (thumbing over his shoulder): Keep walking!
“Me fail english? That’s unpossible.”
“Hi Supernintendo Chalmers.”
“I bent my wookiee.”
Homer: Well, there’s not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, sweetie.
Lisa: Dad, what if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away tigers.
Homer: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work. It’s just a stupid rock.
Homer: I see.
Lisa: But you don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I’d like to buy your rock.
A shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya
Mrs. Lovejoy: They were having s-e0x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-ren!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they shut that place down.
Marge, we’re missing the chili. Less artsy, more fartsy.
Puppy GooGoo, fetch me a dream.
“Stupid babies need the most attention”
Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily
Disco Stu don’t advertise!
Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?
Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ooooh, that’s bad.
Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That’s good.
Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That’s good.
Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Owner: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
HEY BART CHECK OUT MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK!
hello, that sounds like a pig fainting
I’ll ruin you like a Japanese Banquet.
Ralph: I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s
Ashley: No, Mr. Simpson, that’s sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I’ll yell so loud the whole country will hear!
Dennis Franz as Homer: With a man in the White House? Not likely.
Homer: Hello my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Mailman: OK Mr. Burns what’s your first name.
Homer: I don’t know.
COME ON people, think of your Super Bowl MVP:
“I said i don’t want any damn vegetables”
She’s with ‘The House’ now.
Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
To begin, press any key
“Any key, where’s the any key? I see space..c’tarl…Oh well, I think I’ll have a tab”
pigup
I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!
“Way to breathe, No Breath.”
Homer: “Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the homer tax.”
Lisa: “That’s homeowner’s tax.”
“Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.”
Smithers: This resume is very impressive. Let me be the first to say “Abibu gazini”.
Marge: What?
Smithers: Welcome aboard. I guess my Swahili’s not as good as yours.
From “A Streetcar Named Marge”
STELLA! STELLA!
(continues in verse)
Can’t you hear me yell-a,
You’re putting me through hell-a,
Stella, STELLA!
OH MY GOD
I was wrong
It was Earth
All along
Well you finally made a monkey
(chorus) YES WE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY
Well you finally
made a
monk-key
out of MEEEEE!!!!!
I LOVE YOU DR ZAIUS!
“I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals FAAAAAA-lamin’”
Homer: So you think you know better than this family, eh? Well as long as you’re in my house you’ll do what I do and believe what I believe! So butter your bacon!
Bart: Yes father.
Lisa: Mom, dad, my spiritual quest is over!
Homer: Hold that thought… Bacon up that sausage, boy!
Bart: But dad, my heart hurts!
Hank Scorpio: “Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut, that’s on third.”
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That’s right.
Homer: Uh… you have any sugar around here?
Hank Scorpio: Sugar? Sure.
[takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
Hank Scorpio: There you go. Sorry it’s not in packages. Want some cream?
[reaches back into his pockets]
Homer: Uh… I… no.
So fucking good. That whole episode is amazing.
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: “Come to Homer’s BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.”
Bart: What’s that extra B for?
Homer: It’s a typo.
Mr Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We’re both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit.
Mr. Burns: GET ME STEVEN SPIELBERG!
Smithers: He’s not available, sir.
Mr. Burns: THEN GET ME HIS MEXICAN, NON-UNION EQUIVALENT!
You don’t win friends with salad!
damn you! might be my all time favorite
Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart: No.
Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Fat Tony: And, what if your family don’t like bread? They like… cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that’s okay.
Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no.
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan “Up with Mini-skirts!”. Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn’t quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed “Charlie” to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can’t get the spices right!
I will have you most expensive food stuffed with your second most expensive food.
*your
Very good, sir. Lobsters stuffed with tacos.
Hey fatty, I got a film for ya: A Fridge too Far!
“Well, I’ve had lots of jobs in my day: whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the fox network. And, like most people, yeah I’ve dealt a little ivory.”
Paul McCartney: Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song?
Lisa: Wow! That would be great!
Paul McCartney: Okay, take it Apu!
But what if someone actually wants some non-alcoholic beer?
The alcohol quote is fully deserving of the #1 status. Best Simpsons quote of all time.
I want to go to Bovine University!
“(Lisa) “I’m going to become a vegetarian”
(Homer) “Does that mean you’re not going to eat any pork?”
“Yes”
“Bacon?”
“Yes Dad”
“Ham?”
“Dad all those meats come from the same animal”
“Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!””
Roger Meyers loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world but got in trouble for his short “Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors”
Homer: Lisa get in here! In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
It’s not really a floor, it’s more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
I never wanted to be a criminal mastermind. I only wanted to be a petty thug.
“I was lonelier than Estes Kefauver at a meeting of Murder, Inc.! … Look that up, that one actually made sense.”
Lisa: “Nuke the whales?” You don’t really believe that do you?
Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.
Lisa: Touche.
“SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED”
[www.youtube.com]
Surly AND Lazy? You guys must be Teamsters!
We are the mediocre presidents, you wont find our faces on dollars or on cents.
There’s Taylor, there’s Tyler, there’s Fillmore and there’s Hayes.
There’s William Henry Harrison…”I died in 30 days!”
First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women
The goggles! They do nothing!
(I didn’t see it taken yet, sorry if it was)
New York v. Homer Simpson: “No bowl. Stick. Stick.”
[s3.amazonaws.com]
+1
Bart: I’m surprised he doesn’t try to blame his problems on
his Percodan addiction.
Krusty: It wasn’t my fault, it was the Percodan. If you ask me, that
stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor…
Percodan?! Aw, crap!
“Spider poison is PEOPLE poison?!”
Homer: Aww, 20 dollars, I wanted a peanut….
Homer’s brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts
Homer: explain how!
Homer’s brain: money can be exchanged for goods and services
Homer: WOO HOO!
/I just want to note that this comment thread might break the internet
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge, don’t say revenge…
Homer: Uhhhh, revenge?
Homer’s brain: That’s it, I’m outta here.
[Homer throws wallet in fire place]
Lisa: “Dad, our baby pictures were in there!”
Homer: “Don’t you start!”
YOU ARE HEARING ME TALK. Damn you Al Gore doll.
[www.youtube.com]
Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book.
“You parents are Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilan.”
Apu:”Oh thank you sir”
“Who, whoa, can the courtesy, you’re an American now.”
“My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!”
“Up and at them!”
From “Homer the Vigilante”
Jimbo: I don’t believe in nothing any more! I’m going to law school!
Homer: NOOOOOOO!
Also from that episode:
Homer: So I said to him, “Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we
got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn’t have mouthed
off like that!”
Lisa: Dad, don’t you see you’re abusing your power like all vigilantes?
I mean, if you’re the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
Homer: You’re in! Here’s the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.
Mr. Burns: “Let the fools have their . . . Tar Tar sauce.”
Yes.
Milhouse: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let’s put it on the internet!
Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter
“Lisa if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in everyday and do it half-ass, that’s the American way”
[www.youtube.com]
Drew picked that in the post
Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Bart: [watching] I’m surprised he doesn’t try to blame his problems on
his Percodan addiction.
Krusty: It wasn’t my fault, it was the Percodan. If you ask me, that
stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor…
Percodan?! Aw, crap!
Sonnuva bitch! It posted twice
Silly customer, you cannot hurt a twinkie!
Homer: I’ll never drink another beer.
Beer Vendor: Beer here!
Homer: I’ll take ten.
Will this thread be transcribed and made available to download? I mean, that would be just awesome if you guys could do that for us po’ folks.
- We’re not talking about love here, we’re talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
- Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
Scully: Now we are going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I’m going to ask a few yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes.
BOOM
[www.youtube.com]
Wait a minute Scully, what’s the point of this test?
No point, I just thought he could lose a little weight.
But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy’s Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town.
The MOB only gave me something to get something in return?!
Local man ruins everything
You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! I will say good day to you, sir!
Marge : There’s a man here who says he can help you.
Homer : Is it Batman?
Marge : He’s a scientist.
Homer : Batman’s a scientist.
Marge : It’s not Batman!
Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh… Batman! I mean, Leader!
Homer : You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher’s mitt, but my dad wouldn’t get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor said I might have brain damage. (pauses and smiles, says nothing else)
Bart-Whats the point of the story, Homer?
Homer-I like stories.
How do you sleep at night?
On a big pile of money, with many beautiful ladies
A 3-chambered peanut! Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry!
“Ah, Del Monte! Enjoy it old man, cause it will be your last.”
What I wouldn’t give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes
Saxamaphoooone, Saxamaphoooone
[www.youtube.com]
Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn’t it say “Die Bart, Die”
Sideshow Bob: Uhhh…no. That’s German for “Thee Bart, Thee.”
Parole officer: No one who speaks German can be an evil man.
Mr. Burns: So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt!
Smithers: Wha…? What?!
Mr. Burns: You know. Light-hearted, fancy-free. “Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!”
Smithers: Exactly, sir!
Say it Frenchie, say chowdahhhhh.
“The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster”
The fingers you have used to dial are too fat: [www.youtube.com]
Please mash the buttons once for us to send you a dialing wand.
Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm… No.
Agnes: Seymour! The house his on fire!
Skinner: No mother, that’s just the Northern Lights.
I must say, you steam a good ham
Homer: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of… No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Crazy? Don’t mind if I do!
“Don’t you hate pants?”
“Look at me, I’m Peter Pantless!”
Ralph: They taste like…burning!
I bent my wookie!
Just because I don’t care doesn’e mean I don’t understand
Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
I wanted that one too.
Ah, got you, my rumpy doppelganger
Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
“Heh, heh. Mule.”
That was the best thanksgiving ever. Oh, emotionally it was horrible. But the turkey was sooo moist.
Behind the Laughter.
The show had started on a wing and a prayer. But now, the wing was on fire. And the prayer had been answered…..by SATAN
Homer – “I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!”
“Why don’t you lay off the Asians, Lou?”
Boy, I’m one Snickers Pie away from losing my foot to diabetes…. mmmm Snickers Pie
HOW HAS THIS NOT BEEN TAKEN YET???
“I hate every ape I see: From chimpan-A to chimpanzee!”
I can’t believe that one lasted this long!
See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys. They’re Daddy’s favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points.
“Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
Now enter the force of your swing. I suggest feather touch. You have selected, power drive. Press seven-eight-seven to swing. Ball is in the…parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected, no.
you gotta say it like this: POWER DRIVE!
“So, I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the
end.”
Homer: Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids. And
unless movies and TV have lied to me, it’s a crusty, bitter old
Dean!
Dean: Hi there! Hello, I’m Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby.
I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from
studying or whatever, I’m always up for some hackey sack. Or,
hey! If you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass
player for the Pretenders
Homer: Boy, I can’t wait to take some of the starch out of
that stuffed shirt.
Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked. Don’t worry, your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly.
You know, these mock drafts are harder to do CTRL-F on now that they go onto multiple pages.
(This almost became “You know, these mock drafts turned into a hardcore sex channel so slowly I hardly noticed.”)
Favorite episode: $pringfield.
Favorite quote: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
.
“It’s 11 o’clock. Do you know where your children are?”
“I told you last night, NO!”
Where is Bart? His dinner is getting cold, and eaten.
Interviewer #1: Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime?
Drederick Tatum: Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother’s stair-pushing, I would certainly, reconsider it.
Interviewer #2: Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson?
Drederick Tatum: I think he’s a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I’m definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
Interviewer #3: Uh, you know, they do have a mother, Champ?
Drederick Tatum: Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief.
Homer: I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These are driving me nuts!
~~~
Krusty: So this afternoon two suits come up to me and ask me to endorse a new sports utility vehicle.
[Crowd gasps]
Homer: [shouting] Don’t you hate pants?
Chalmers: Did that boy say what’s a battle?
Skinner: No he said what’s that rattle, it’s about the heating duct.
Chalmers: Hmm, it sounded like battle.
Skinner: I’ve had a cold, so–
Chalmers: Oh so you hear r’s as b’s?
Skinner: yes
I’m doing a twofer here, expressing the same sentiment:
“Bees are on the what now?”
and
“You shot who in the what now?”
Let met set this straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute
Homer: [reading] Project Arcturus couldn’t have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It’s not the Dallas Cowboys, but it’s a start. Drop me a line if you’re on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio. [stops reading] Aw, the Denver Broncos!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn’t.
Homer: [sighs] You just don’t understand football, Marge.
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort, heading in the direction of…you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax
Marge Simpson: I haven’t lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there’s a surgical option, but it’s not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here’s what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here’s my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.
Its takes two to lie, one to lie and one to listen [Homer to Marge]
[Shary Bobbins]In front of a tavern, flat on his face A boozehound named Barney is pleading his case…
[Barney]Buy me a beer just two bucks a glass
C’mon help me I’m freezing my ass
Buy me a brandy or a snifter of wine
Who am I kidding, I’ll just drink turpentine
[Moe]Move it, ya drunk Or I’ll blast your rear end
[Barney] But I found two bucks
[Moe] Then come in, my friend
[Shary Bobbins] And so, let us leave on this heartwarming scene
[Bart] Can I be a boozehound?
[Homer] Not ’til you’re fifteen
Homer: Do you sell hats?
Woolly Bully Clerk: Yeah.
Homer: To people?
Woolly Bully Clerk: Maybe.
Homer: People with heads?
Woolly Bully Clerk: Sometimes.
Krusty: Hey, kids! It’s story time. I’m going to tell you the
story of Krusty’s expensive new suit: his sexual harassment
suit! Oh, boy…
TV: Are you on your third bottle of beer tonight?
Homer: Does whiskey count as beer?
Ha! Yes!
“The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!”
We should have listened to that boy instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
You can’t treat the working man this way! One of these days we’ll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we’ll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Barney’s movie had heart, but “Football in the Groin” had a football in the groin
“My knob tastes funny”
“Please refrain from tasting the knob”
Spangler: Mr and Mrs Simpson. Your boy’s gonna need one thing. TOUGH LUCK!
Marge: Don’t you mean tough love?
Spangler: Tough love. Of course, this has never made sense. The sign shop guy lied. STANLEY. YOU DIDN’T QUESTION THE WORD LUCK!? NOW LOOK WHAT WE’VE GOT!
Same THH: “It’s like he disappeared into fat air.” / “ooh, erotic cakes” / “It’s a place I’ve never been before -” “ah, the shower!”
Hibbert: Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at
the aquarium.
Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
Tony: No, what I said was: “He sleeps with the fishes”. You see…
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of
dingamagoo…
From “A Tale of Two Springfields”
Badger my ass, it’s probably Milhouse. Milhouse, get out here!
\mauled by badger
It was the best of times….it was the BLURST of times!?! you stupid monkey!
Homer: “You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try”
“Then there’s Ayatollah Razmaheri and his cadre of fanatics.”
It’s all here. Fast kicking. Low scoring. Ties. [www.youtube.com]
Ties? You betcha!
Homer: Hello, I’d like to purchase a gun
Gun store worker: Okay, you will have to wait five days while I run a background check
Homer: Five Days?! But I’m mad now!
Basically any Albert Brooks quote is great:
Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you’re suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. That’s not I. EVERY SIGN IS WRONG!
Spangler: What are you eating now.
Homer: Cheeseburger
Spangler: You’re a catastrophe. Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don’t wanna.
Spangler: I just want the cheese, I don’t want the meat. I do want the meat.
Homer: Here’s a corner.
Spangler: Let me just bite it, don’t rip it! Let me have the whole thing, you’ll get some later.
Homer: You’re a selfish jerk.
Spangler: I’ve smelled it, it has to be eaten!
Homer: But it’s my burger!
Spangler: I’m driving. I’ll kill us!
Homer: Fine i’d rather die!
I am evil Homer, I am evil Homer
Mr. Simpson, don’t you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn’t on, but I think I got the gist of it.
“Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot that bottle of… delicious… bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors… so tempting…what’s that? You want me to drink you? But I’m in the middle of a trial!”
….and on that note, I should probably go back to work.
Lisa: You’re serving us gruel? Dolph: Not quite. This is “Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel.” Nine out on ten orphans can’t tell the difference.
Troy: Come on Jimmy, let’s take a peek at the killing floor.
Jimmy: Ohhh!
Troy: Don’t let the name throw you Jimmy. It’s not really a floor, it’s more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
Dr. Nick – “The best part was when they paid me the money”
Don’t blame me – I voted for Kodos
“WILLIE DIDN’T KNOW!”
Abe: “All right! I admit it! I’m the Lindbergh Baby! Wah wah goo goo! I miss my fly-fly dada!
Gannon: “Are you stalling for time or are you just senile?”
Abe: “A little from column A, a little from column B.”
This is a great one!
Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.
Lisa: Dad, you can’t judge a place you’ve never been to.
Bart: Yeah, that’s what people do in Russia.
And one more from this episode:
Homer: Hey do you have a mens’ room in there?
Klav Kalash vendor: Only Klav Kalash. Mens’ room in tower. Tower. Observation deck.
Marge: Oh Homer, of course you’ll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.s.
/I love “The City of New York v. Homer” and I from Chicago
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming!
What’s a battle?”
Lisa: Listen, I can take care of everything. All you have to do is
unshrink me.
Frink: Unshrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a
re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous is makes me want
to laugh out loud and chortle, and… [Lisa looks at him] uh…
but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and the
vengeance and the blood rain and the hey-hey-hey-it-hurts-me…
Marge: I can’t believe how many manatees we saved today.
Dr. Caleb Thorn: And the ones we can’t save, we put to good use.
/Puts fork in a spit roasted manatee, receives disapproving look from Marge
Thorn: What am I supposed to do, bury them at Arlington?
More testicles means more iron
Iron helps us play!
Homer: “We’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want any more bears!”
Lenny: “Homer that’s pretty catchy, where did you get that?”
Homer: “Oh, you know, from the mustache parade.”
Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.
That’s the homeowner’s tax.
Lisa: Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don’t have to eat meat! I’ve got enough gazpacho for everyone. It’s tomato soup, served ice cold!
Barney: Go back to Russia!
You don’t win friends with salad
/other barry and I form a conga line
you don’t win friends with salad!
Homer: All right, pie. I’m going to start doing this…
[makes chomping motion]
Homer: -and if you get eaten, it’s your own fault.
[He shuts his eyes, and moves toward the pie, making chomping motions, but hits his head on the stove hood]
Homer: OW! AH! Oh, my… oh, to hell with it.
Look, boy, here’s my advice on women: Don’t give them nicknames like
“Jumbo” or “Boxcar,” and always get receipts. Makes you look like a
business guy.
Homer: “Y’ello? You’ll have to speak up – I’m wearing a towel.”
/obligatory
Your ideas intrique me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
[www.youtube.com]
It’s an oldie…. but:
“‘Tis no man… ’tis a remorseless eating machine”
“Arr! Jonathan Livingston Seagull!”
Mo- “Who wants a bathtub mint julep?”
So, you like … stuff?
Homer: Pff! English, who needs that? I’m never going to England! Come on. Let’s go smoke.
The Mr Sparkle commercial:
[www.youtube.com]
Homer: He looks just like you, Poindexter!
We’re too late!
I shouldn’t have stopped for that haircut. I’m sorry.
Milhouse: Trust me Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.
Is that like the love between a man and a woman, or the love between a man and a fine Cuban cigar?
“You’re Darryl Straberry.”
“Yes.”
“You play right field.”
“Yes.”
“I play right field.”
“So?”
“Are you better than me?”
“Well, I’ve never met you, but yes.”
Do not touch Willie. Hmm, good advice
From “The Springfield Connection”
Homer: I wonder why he was so eager to go to the garage?
Moe: Ooooh, the garage, ya hear that fellas, the GARAGE, well la-dee-da Mr. French Man!
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe: A CAR HOLE!
A counterfeit jeans ring being operated out of my car hole!
That’s where I saw the leprechaun! He tells me to burn things.
Bart: “Mom, my slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!”
Marge: “Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?”
Homer: “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: “Homer! Watch your mouth!”
Homer: “Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.”
It’s chow-dayr!
“Willie, there’s no such thing as Scotchtoberfest” “YA USED ME, SKINNER! YA USED ME!”
This sidewalk ain’t fer fancy walkin! Its fer regular walkin!
A noble spirit, embiggens the smallest man.
Embiggens – I never heard that word before I moved to Springfiled…
- I don’t know why, it’s a perfectly cromulent word.
Milhouse: “I’m only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy and my own tears!” [starts puffing up] someone call my sllergist! [puffs so much glasses break] and my optometrist!
allergist*
THE BEE BIT MY BOTTOM! NOW MY BOTTOM BIG!!!
[i.imgur.com]
Homer: See, I’ve got this friend named Joey Joe Joe … Junior … Shabadoo?
Moe: That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard.
(man runs out crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Joe Joe! Come back!
“You hate me! Your husband, who you’re contractually obligated to like!”
Marriage is a contractual obligation.
Man alive, there are . . . men alive in here!
Come on Jub-Jub, lets go home and i’ll heat you up a nice roach.
What?! Spider Poison is people poison?!
Bart: True or false? You can get mono from riding the monorail.
Homer: Hmmmm…False! No, wait…maybe it’s true…
Bart: No, you were right! It’s false! Wow, you really are gonna be a Monorail conductor.
Homer: That’s right boy…
Bart: You know, I used to think you were stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
Homer: Heh heh…kids.
Bart: But now? I want to follow in your footsteps.
Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior? The kids can call you HoJu!
Bart: I’ll get back to you…
So then, “mono” means “one”. And ”rail” means “rail”. And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
Flaming Moe’s:
Can I have a clean glass?
Here you go, your MAJESTY.
Marge: Homer why are you driving so fast?
Homer: Because I’m trying to think!
What about all the days I DIDN’T wear a tutu?
Favorite Ep: I Love Lisa
SideshowBob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may
force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly
long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize
criminals, and rule you like a king. That’s why I did this: to
protect you from yourselves. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a
city to run.
Milhouse: Why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
It infuriates me to no end that Maj managed to fuck up the very first pick of the draft. It’s “solution,” not “answer,” you idiot. See the attached reference: [www.youtube.com]
Fun draft, though I imagine everything I’d want is long gone, and the new commenting system makes it too big of a pain in the ass to Ctrl-F through four pages, but I’ll just throw in a couple of my favorites that may have slipped through:
“Ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?” “Yes, once.”
“I’ve been called a greasy thug before too. And it never stops hurting!”
It’s like using your first-round fantasy pick to take Chris Johnson, the Raiders cornerback.
Wow, I didn’t even notice we’d wrapped several pages. I’m with you. I’ll leave my tomacco quote and mosey.
Mis-quote Homer? That’s a paddlin’.
Stupid Sexy Flanders!!
No one who speaks German could be an evil man
The bart, the.
“I call the big one Bitey”
Financial panther…
Get him, Sheeba!
“My son Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, a communist, but he’s not a porn star.”
Oh, the barbed wire. We used to call that “The Stinger.” They, uh, they don’t let you use that no more.
/fuck no I didn’t check all of these to see if it had already been posted.
“I dinna cry when me own father was hung for stealin’ a pig. But I’ll cry now.”
Bart’s Japanese Pinball Machine: Ha! Ha! Ha! YOU A WINNER! Ha! Ha! Ha! YOU A WINNER! Ha! Ha! Ha! YOU A WINNER!
Ralph: “Daddy, this tastes like grandma.”
[Wiggum bites]
Wiggum: “Holy Moses! It DOES taste like grandma!”
Dammit. I was going to pick this one.
My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
Favorite Episode: Lisa the Greek
“The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my
daddy’s knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites,
but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second
to cover the spread.”
Also from Willie: “I didn’t cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I’ll cry now.”
LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No…he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture?
McGonigle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.
Homer: Ah, McGonigle: eases the pain.
Chief: You’re off the case, McGonigle!
McGonigle: You’re off your case, Chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
Homer: Oh, I’m sorry.
YESSSS!
I am disrespectful to dirt! Stop your loafing! Can’t you see that I am serious?! I will banish you to the Land of Wind and Ghosts!
Yeap, there’s your answer, fishbulb.
Marge: I want to see what’s bothering Bart, but I’m afraid I’d be smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.
Favorite episode: Cape Feare
How do I pick just one quote? I guess it would be…
“Take him away boys.”
“Hey! I’m the chief here! Bake him away, toys.”
“What’d you say, chief?”
“Do what the kid says.”
It’s a good thing you drifted by this brothel!
Insurance Agent: Mr. Simpson, you said you were at a place called Moe’s. Is this some sort of business?
Homer: (inner monologue: Don’t say it’s a bar. Don’t say it’s a bar…but what else is open this time of night?) It’s a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Ooh, that’s a really good one. Nice pick.
“Do you ever drink alone?”
“Does the Lord count as a person?”
“NO!”
“Then yes.”
Any line from The Stone Cutter’s song
TRAB PU KCIP! TRAB PU KCIP!
I’m just gonna keep riding the rails, swapping stories for sponge baths.
From Lisa the Iconoclast:
“I’ve got two questions. One: Where’s the fife? Two: Give me the fife.”
How much and give it to me.
Bart: “Well, it looks like I’ll just have to get into the crawlspace again!”
That whole episode is gold.
[2F19] The PTA Disbands
[www.youtube.com]
Ranier Wolfcastle:
“Up and AT THEM!”
[www.youtube.com]
Sorry it’s not in packet form.
BART YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?!?!?!?!??!
Lisa: “Dad, what’s a muppet?”
Homer: “Well, it’s not quite a mop, and it’s not quite a puppet, but man! Hahahhahah! So, to answer your question, I don’t know.”
Night Boat: The Crime Solving Boat!
Announcer: We now return to “Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat”.
Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers.
Knightboat: You don’t have to yell, Michael, I’m all around you.
Michael: Oh, no! They’re headed for land.
[the poachers ride onto the beach, jump on motorcycles, and
speed away]
Michael: We’ll never catch them now.
Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal.
Homer: Go, Knightboat, go!
Bart: Oh, every week there’s a canal.
Lisa: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.
Bart: Oh, every week there’s a canal.
Lisa: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.
At home, Homer announces he is leaving
Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Brain: Little do they know I’m ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that’s the plan.
Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don’t suspect a thing.
[camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: [panicky] I’ve got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Aah! [Runs off]
HOMER’S GHOST: Marge, you gotta help me. I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
MARGE: Well, I’ve got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house…
HOMER’S GHOST: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m just tryin’ to get in. I’m not runnin’ for Jesus.
I’ll let the clip say it. Hartmann was taken from us far too soon.
Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
Homer: Alright, let’s see. Ew, English side ruined. Must use French instructions. Le Grill? What the hell is that?
Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?!
“Homer, this…this is never easy to say. I’m going to have to saw your arms off..”
“They’ll grow back, right?!”
Homer, are you holding on to the can?
I brought a note home from the fireman to prove it!
Marge: Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down.
Homer: Doh! Lumber has a million uses.
Ralphie: Me fail English? That’s unpossible!
Dear Marge, I don’t know if it’s the beer talking, but you have a butt that won’t quit. They have these giant salted pretzels here… that are……FIVE DOLLARS?! GET OUTTA HERE!!!!
Kodos: (as Bill Clinton) I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal command. End communication. (crosses arms)
I try to tell my husband that he has a butt that won’t quit at least once a week.
HOMER: “You don’t win friends with salad.”
I have two:
Milhouse “Hey everyone, an old man’s talking!”
and
Milhouse: “Augh! I hate these flood pants!” /his room floods “Hey! Wait! My shoes are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything’s comin up Milhouse!”
YES!
That’s “chowdah”! Chowdah! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill all of you, especially those of you in the jury!
“My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.”
It’s not that tough being a film cricket.
I just about died reading that.
“Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly,” and replace “dog” with “son.
Mr. Black: Gentleman, to evil.
“So you think you know better then the rest of this family. Well as long as you’re in my house you’ll do what I do, and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon!”
“Hold that thought, bacon up that sausage boy!”
From Guess Who’s Coming to Criticize Dinner
“But he gave you a bad review? Why would you but it up in your window?”
The Sea Captain “ARRGH. It covers up the D from the health inspector.”
He gave me a bad review, so my cousin put a horse’s head in his bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review.
This isn’t a quote, but watching that French guy put the poison and antidote into the eclair at the same time, then realize what he was doing was hilarious.
That’s one of my favorite episodes.
“Alright Brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
IT’S A DEAL.
I’m glad you got this one. I pull this quote out every time I need to do something extra shitty…like work.
I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.
Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
The entire boozehound named barney song from the shari bobbins episode
“her butt waxed the bannister”
“ohhhh 20 dollars, i wanted a peanut…20 dollars can buy many peanuts…explain how!…money can be exchanged for goods and services” (not the shari bobbins episode but awesome nonetheless)
The 20 dollars thing gets me every time. Awesome indeed.
I believe I told *three* stories…Close the door.
Homer: One two kinds of people wear Hawaiian shirts: Gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn’t look like a big fat party animal to me.
Can’t believe that one last this long
*lasted
Isotopes owner: Well, I think I know tomorrow’s headline: “local man is liar”
Reporter: That IS a good headline!
Homer (distant): They’re moving the team to Albuquerque!
Announcer: Did you hear that, folks? He said, “Go Topes!”
Lenny: “It’s bringing love! Don’t let it get away!”
Carl: “Break its legs!”
Tonight, on “Eye on Springfield”: just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the “army”, but a more alarmist name would be — “The Killbot Factory.”
Clown College, pfft. You can’t eat that.
Homer: “That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I’m going to Clown College!”
/slam
Bart: “I don think any of us expected him to say that.”
Homer: All right, pie. I’m going to start doing this…
[makes chomping motion]
Homer: -and if you get eaten, it’s your own fault.
Homer: OW! AH! Oh, my… oh, to hell with it.
From Lisa’s Rival (probably the most quotable episode ever):
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors – oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”
First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
[www.youtube.com]
“TO THE BEEMOBILE!!”
“You mean your Chevy?”
“….. yes.”
“Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos”
“Abortions for All!” *crowd boos
“Very well. No abortions for anyone” *Crowd boos
“hmm, abortions for some, free miniature American Flags for everyone” *YAY!
As a boy, I dreamed of being a baseball.
Homer : Mr Scorpio sir, do you have any sugar?
Scorpio: {reaches into pocked, hands home a pile of sugar] Ya, sure Homer, sorry it’s not in packet form.
[deadhomersociety.files.wordpress.com]
“I have misplaced my pants.”
Don’t you hate pants?
[www.youtube.com]
mmmm…64 slices of American cheese…
I love the hobo life! Stabbin Nobos with my Hobo Knife!
Grimes: Is that you…. in outer space?
Homer: Yea, you’ve never been?
Milhouse: [weeps] So, this is what it feels like when doves cry.
“I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”
Sideshow Bob (in handcuffs): But you can’t do this! I’m a hero! I saved the childrens’ lives!!!
Cecil: Tell them they’ll live to regret this.
Sideshow Bob: YOU’LL LIVE TO REGRET THIS!
(slumps)
Sideshow Bob: Oh, thanks, now *I* look crazy!
Homer: [in the Golden Crisp Cereal jingle tune], Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in. [runs over werewolf Flanders]
Homer: “This is Ned Flanders, my friend!”
Lenny: “What did he say?”
Carl: “I don’t know, something about being gay.”
Lenny: Hey look, Homer’s got one of those robot cars.
/crash
Carl: One of those American robot cars.
Anybody seen sully????
“Marge, I’d like to be alone with the sandwich.”
Might be my fave episode of ALL TIME.
Uh, we object to the phrase “urine-soaked hell hole” when you could have used “pee pee-soaked heck hole”.
Cheerfully withdrawn.
No one who speaks German can be an evil man!
Homer (referring to that gross sub sandwich): “Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge!”
“This is all your fault! Ohhh, how can I stay mad at you?”
+1 YES
LOST OUR LISA
Milhouse: Hey Bart, what’s your favorite thing about teacher’s conference day?
Bart: Hmmm, I’m guess that we don’t have to go to school.
Milhouse: Woah, mine too!
A bus? Alone? Absolutely not! It’s just too dangerous for an eight year old.
In a few years when you’re old enough to drive, then you can take a bus!
– Marge responding to Lisa’s request to take a bus
Homer: You have reached the office of Homer Simpson. If you are calling
about the waterbed, please leave a detailed message. If you need–
Mr. Burns: Get back to work!
Homer: [screams, we hear the dial tone]
– Homer’s answer machine message
Lisa: It’s kind of humbling, isn’t it? The music we just heard might never
be heard again.
Homer: Yeah, but it’ll always live on because we’ll never forget it. [begins
whistling]
Lisa: Dad, that’s the Old Spice song!
Homer: It is? Well, that’s a good song too! [continues the song, and Lisa
joins him]
– “Lost Our Lisa”
Homer holds the waffle he thought was God:
“I know I shouldn’t eat Thee. Mmmm… Sacrilicious.”
MMMMMMMM waffle runofff.. ahhhhhhhhh
PRAY FOR MOJO……………
(fuck i’m having way to much fun with this)
Grandpa: Ohhhh, I was going to eat that monkey.
“There was an optics festival and I wasn’t informed? You go now.”
Reporter: “This just in, Homer Simpson sleeps NUDE in an oxygen tent, which he believes gives him sexual powers!”
Homer: “That’s the half truth!”
- Homer Badman is easily my favorite episode.
[random store voice] BORT, WE NEED MORE BORT NAMED LICENSE PLATES
Bart: Take ‘em away, boys.
Wiggum: Hey! I’M the chief, I get to say that. Bake ‘em away, toys!
Lou: Uh, what’s that chief?
Wiggum: ….just do what the kid said.
[youtu.be]
“SEE YOU IN HELL, CANDY BOY!”
Homer: [after they build a barn from a pool kit] Alright, everybody in the pool!
Amish Farmer: ‘Tis a fine barn, but sure ’tis no pool, English.
Homer: D’oh-eth!
Martin: [after the pool collapses] Gone, My precious pool and its lifestyle accoutrements… no!
Is it a pool yet?
Wiggum: [from the helicopter] NOO, CONTINUE SWIMMING NAKED.
Lou, open fire.
“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”
“A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly
Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-La they are, but not
in here.”
Mr. Burns: “Let Harvard have its athletics and academics, Yale will always be first in gentlemenly club life.”
You don’t cuddle with Max Power. You strap in and feel the G’s.
I’m going to call you Chesty LaRue.
Max Power, that’s the man who’s name you’d love to touch,
but you musn’t touch!
That name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it,
you musn’t fear.
‘Cause that name could be said by anyone!
Hooty McBoobs?
Busty St. Claire?
Chesty LaRue!
Lionel Hutz: “Bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors . . . . what you want me to drink you, but I’m in the middle of trial.”
Not sure if some one beat me to it but here it is:
“Oh no, not a quarter! Now he’ll be dancin’ for hours…”
“Stickin’ together’s what good waffles do.”
Bart: Do you need straight A’s to be a cop?
Two Cops: [laugh uproariously]
McBain: Sherman! I just realized – you insulted me! Now you will die!
Jay: Uh…hey, your shoes are untied!
McBain: From here they appear to be tied…however, I will go in for a closer look.
(Jay jumps into a cab)
(Hours later)
McBain: On closer inspection, these are loafers.
here’s the video
Somehow, this has not yet been taken:
That’s a classic.
MENNDOZAAAAAAAAAAA!
Two exchanges from the same episode:
Captain McAllister: ‘Tis no man. ‘Tis a remorseless eatin’ machine!
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn’t find one?
Marge: [crying] We… went… fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
“Call Mr. Plow, that’s my name, that name again is Mr. Plow!”
Move over Mr. Plow, here comes tha Plow King (Burp!)
German Nuclear Plant owner: We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: Simpson, Homer. That is all
A classic! Can’t believe it lasted that long.
Bart: [looking through telescope]
Flanders: I killed her! [digs hole in backyard]
Bart: No, that can’t be Flanders!?
Flanders: I’m a murderer!, I’m a Mur-Diddly-urdler!
Bart; If that’s not Flanders, he’s done his homework.
Bart: Wow! Can I see your club?
Lou: It’s called a baton, son.
Bart: Oh. What’s it for?
Lou: We club people with it
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers…are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”
Burns: Are you saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying “Boo-urns”…
Mr Burns: From the highest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant; who doesn’t enjoy a good sit!?
Homer: First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Homer Simpson: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Khlav Kalash Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer Simpson: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I’ll take a crab juice.
Smithers: Uh, excuse me! Do you know where I can buy some, uh… drugs?
Shopkeeper: Drugs? Everything is drugs! Banana made of drugs! Monkey made of drugs! Look! All market made of drugs!
Smithers: I’d like to buy this.
Shopkeeper: Only American money! Our money is made of drugs.
Grandpa: I’m cold, and there are wolves after me.
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn’t shoot him.
[DING]
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You’re free to go.
Moe: Good, ’cause I got a hot date tonight.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: *A* date.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: All right! I’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
[BZZZZ]
Moe: …Sears catalogue.
[DING]
Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
[BZZZZ]
YES
“donuts, is there anything they can’t do?”
The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that’s the way I likes it.”
I’m calling that a steal. (just like my soul when someone takes a picture of me)
Yikes, almost 450, I’m taking two others just because (everybody is working fast today).
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh… Now when I say “Hello Mr. Thompson” and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he’s talking to you.
and
“I don’t know why, it’s a perfectly cromulent word.”
Oops, somebody used cromulent, I fail. I’ll have to go with “Hortense the mule faced doll!
I’m done.
Homer: See Marge, I told you they could fry my shirt!
Marge: I never said they couldn’t, I said you shouldn’t.
Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash ‘em!
Homer: trying to casually buy illegal fireworks “Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas… eh, make it two.”
Later…
Marge seeing Homer’s purchases: “I don’t know what you’ve got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out!”
Quimby: Simpson, you idiot! You spent your entire year’s budget in a month! Your department’s broke!
Homer: [panics] Uh…oh no! Wait! I think I’ve got the perfect solution.
Quimby: You’d better! ‘Cause those garbage men won’t work for free!
Homer: D’oh!
“Don’t say revenge, don’t say revenge!”
“Uhh… revenge?”
“That’s it, I’m outta here.” (footsteps, door slams)
Homer: How was jerk practice today, Boy?
Bart: Actually we were just planning the Father/Son float trip.
Homer: HA! You don’t have a son!
Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lot’s of it!
Marge: Oh that’s your answer to everything
[www.youtube.com]
*cure
and that’s when the chuds came after me
Groundskeeper Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies- like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots ruined Scotland!
Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Willie: You’ve just made an enemy for life, Skinner!
[www.youtube.com]
Guard at ‘Euro’ Itchy and Scratchy Land: “Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!”
/much better with French accent
Too lazy to scroll through it all, but this quote comes with a topping of your choice.
Marge, the doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughing at me!
“Bort?”
“Bort knock it off!”
“Excuse me ma’am are you talking to me?”
“No, my son’s name is also Bort”
…
“WE NEED EMERGENCY REPLACEMENTS OF ‘BORT’ LICENSE PLATES IN THE GIFT SHOP”
Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I’d like you to remember Matthew 7:26. “A foolish man who who built his house on sand.”
Homer: And you remember…Matthew…21:17!
Rev. Lovejoy: “And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there”?
Homer: Yeah…think about it!
Aw, someone snatched the Bort one.
How about:
“Stand back! I am a motorist!”
“That’s some nice drivin’ Mr. B”
Chief Wiggum: “Fine. Go ahead. It’s not my job to keep people from killin’ themselves.”
Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge Snyder [modeled on Robert Bork]: You mean a mistrial.
Hutz: Right!! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.
This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! (pause) And it still says ‘guilty’!
Marge: “You know how I feel about pranks…”
Homer: (flabbergasted) “Still?!??!?”
“Do not touch Willie. Good advice!”
You know what, I already give up. It’s too hard to look for duplicates on 5 pages.
Biggest downside to the new commenting system? Biggest downside to the new commenting system.
You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and revulcanize my tires post-haste!
Homer: Mmmmm.. forbidden donut
Devil: “Hi Bart”
Bart: “Hey”
So simple but so beautiful
Dentist: These pre-date stainless steel, so you can’t get them wet.
Homer to Bart:
“Well! If it isn’t the leader of the Wiener Patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.”
And
“How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees, huh? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?” *chair breaks* “Stupid poetic justice!”
#1 Treehouse of Horror V. “Time and Punishment” is my all-time favorite thing the Simpsons has ever done.
#2 The 100th episode, when Willie asks Lunchlady Doris for grease. Makes me piss my pants every time.
#3 Frank Grimes
“Do ye have any grease?”
“Yes. Yes, we do.”
“THEN GREASE ME DOWN, WOMAN!”
“… Okey-doke.”
Bart: How could I have broken a leg, I’ve been drinking my Malk every day!?
Owwww! My bones are so brittle!, but I always drink plenty of Malk?
Also, the Pulp Fiction episode.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese,
but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call ‘em, “shakes.”
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don’t know what you’re gettin’.
For my money, “you only move twice” is the pinnacle.
Homer: “This donut has purple in it. Purple is a fruit!”
Lisa: [sighs] Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Eugh! Who pays for that wedding?
In my top 5 for sure!
Seriously, fuck you guys. Ralph Wiggum is a quote machine – easily a dozen of these could have been him.
My favorite: “I eated the purple berries, they taste like burning.
That improvident lackwit? Always too busy stridin’ about his atom mill to call his own mother. I’ll give him what-fors till he cries brassafrax!
Marge: You have to be there! You missed way too many precious moments in the childrens’ lives.
Homer: What?! Name twelve!
Random Person: “Ok Cletus, just sign right here.”
Cletus: “Let’s see ifn I remebers how to make my mark.” [signs in perfect old school calligraphy]
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors – oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”
I am WAY late to this party, but:
“Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?”
“Yes. Mr. Koufax, don’t you think Flanders is a big jerk?”
Alright team, it’s the 4th quarter. God gave us the atoms, now it’s up to us to make ‘em dance!
THIS CHAIR BE HIGH, SAYS I!
ARR… YOU CALL THAT AN ANCHOR?
Titanya: “But Duff Man, you said if I slept with you I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk!”
Duff Man: “Duff Man… says a lot of things! Oh, yeah!”
Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron!
One of my favorites comes from the very first episode. After Homer comes back from the dog track with Santa’s Little Helper and everyone is crowding around the dog, Bart says “If he runs away, he’ll be easy to catch.” Just brilliant.
I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Homer: Die Zombies! (proceeds to run over Edgar Winter)
You folks ready to begin?
Homer: Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It’s a terrible strain on the animators’ wrists
Homer: I call the big one bitey
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um…Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [looks with consternation] Jeremy’s…iron.
Hey, Marge, I’m not up on my slang, but do kids still say,
“Get the hell out of my office?”
Oh a sarcasm detector? That’s a *real* useful invention.
/explodes
This thread has mirrored the Simpsons’ run to 500 episodes. Started out strong and fast and furious and then has eased up and is now slowly creaking towards 500 comments. Still though, one of the best shows/threads ever!
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage. Homer: Done! Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.
Prinskipper? Skipple, uh Principal skinster I have found something!!
Just to make it an even 500, and even though I’m too lazy to check for a quote that most assuredly has been used before, (sort of like the Simpsons of late), I’ll throw this out
“I di’na cry when my own father was hung for stealin’ a pig, but I’ll cry now”
My apologies for half-assing it just to get to 500
Oh come now, you know every real Simpson’s fan appreciates the value of half-assing things. That’s the American Way!
right up there with whippin’ cupcakes
DENTAL PLAN!
Lisa needs braces…
thanks alot carl, now i’ve lost my train of thought!
“I don’t want you stalking anyone tonight.”
“Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I’ll be back in a minute. I’m…going outside…to…stalk…Lenny and Carl. D’oh!”
[www.youtube.com]
“Oh, it’s a donkey.” [www.youtube.com]
Winner. So very, very good.
From Selma’s Choice, [www.youtube.com]
Patty: I can’t believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: [laughs hysterically] Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that’s good!
If this has been taken, then I apologize. One of their many great jabs at Fox:
[youtu.be]
“Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion.”
–Child Protective Services Officer in Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily
Too many to check if it’s been used before so here goes:
‘Homer, Mr Burns says if you don’t turn up today, don’t bother coming in on Monday’
Homer: ‘Woohoo, 4 day weekend!’
“I can’t take HIS money… I can’t print MY OWN money… I have to WORK for money… why don’t I just lay down and die?” -Homer
“The only danger is if they send to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute… Statue of Liberty? THAT WAS OUR PLANET! You maniacs! You blew it up! DAMN YOU!! Damn you all to hell!!!”
-Homer’s NASA press conference
“DON’T YOU HATE PANTS?”
Steal of the draft.
“I for one, welcome our ant overlords”
How is that not taken yet?
“Simpsons Safari”
Marge: A chimp!
Lisa: Hello, little fella.
Bart: Hey, maybe he’ll lead us to bananas.
Homer: Or more mouth-watering monkeys!
-Willy: If I don’t save the wee turtles, who will?! Aah! Save me from the wee turtles!
-Willy: Don’t feel bad for losin. I was wrestling wolves back when you were at your mother’s teat.
-Marge: Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: “Shoot ‘em all and let God sort them out.”
-Marge: Homer, the plant called and said if you don’t come in tomorrow, don’t bother coming in Monday.
-Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
-Mr. Burns: “They’re standing and walking on their hind legs…like a bunch of little Rory Calhouns.
“I wash myself with a raaaagg on a stick”
uh hee hee he uh huh huh huh
Lisa: eeew bart get away!
“You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.”
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren’t the…
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
“Go to hell you old bastard.”
Burns shaking like a leaf as the curtain closes makes me giggle every time.
In honor of my newish job, and the internet firewall at my work which is cause me to miss this great mock draft topic, I put in a waiver wire claim on this (probably already claimed) quote:
Bart: “I am through with working. Working is for chumps”.
Homer: “Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.”
So fucking true…
Mr. Burns: Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you’re off the team, for good!
Don Mattingly: Fine… I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
Wiggum: “He thinks he’s the Pope of Chilitown!”
***
“Bonjourrrrrrrrr. You cheese eating surrender monkeys.”
Also, every single line from Bart vs. Australia.
“Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?”
“OH NO! CHINESE FIRE DRILL, SERIOUS THIS TIME!”
[www.youtube.com]
TreeHouse of Horror VII
Kang: “The politics of failure have failed”
For my last post I submit one of my all time Treehouse of Horrors throwaway jokes,
Soylent Green, now with more girls!
[peritus.soup.io]
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Sweet merciful crap! My car!
Wait, new pick:
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice. No, actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one. But you can’t stop at one… you want to drink another woman.
(after many beers)
So I says; “Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it! ‘Cause I don’t know where it is, ya baloney! You… make me… wanna… wretch…”
Both are quality quotes.
Homer: C’mon TV, give me some of that sweet, sweet pep!
Talk Show Host: Well let’s define our terms gentlemen, are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment?
Homer: Oh well. Can’t win em all.
Announcer: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.
Homer: Yes! (spikes beer, dances)
The Municipal Roundtable image kills me every time.
Homer: Lisa, if we conserve energy, the environmentalists win.
Seriously? Did you seriously misquote your #1 quote? Yes. Yes you did. For shame.
[www.youtube.com]
ARE WE SO VAIN?!?!?
Was President Lincoln ok?
Moe: “I’m a well-wisher…in that I don’t wish you any specific harm.”
Don’t have time/patience to see if this is a duplicate, but my favorite quote is from Homer the Vigilante (also my favorite episode):
Homer: So I said, Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that.
Go Banana!
Still plenty of unquoted classics left to go around.
Mail clerk: “This book must be out of date. I don’t see Prussia, Siam, or autogyro.”
Homer: “Do you have the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan?”
Librarian: [finds phone book] “.. Phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.”
Homer: “May I use your phone?”
Librarian: “Is it a local call?”
Homer: “…Yyyyes.”
[Proceeds to slowly dial the number from the phone book]
Apu’s mom: “Surely you children are aware of your Brahmin heritage?”
Bart: “As long as there are absolutely no follow up questions, yes. Yes we are.”
Lisa: “Fully.”
“What’s the point of all this cleaning? ARE WE SO VAIN?!”
Nelson:”That’s like asking the square root of a million…no one will ever know.”
Homer the Vigilante is full of my favorites
Molloy: Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer — my arch-nemesis.
Homer: Y’ello.
Molloy: You _do_ realize who this is?
Homer: Uh…Marge?
Molloy: No, Homer, I’m not your wife.
Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty
vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy
sack-beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.
Forfty percent of all people know that.
Kent: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group
has been causing more crimes than it’s been preventing?
Homer: [amused] Oh, Kent, I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t
committing crimes.
Kent: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for
some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely
what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers
to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.
Arghhhh! The bees are defending themselves somehow!
I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer
Millhouse (crawling through soiled mattress fort at Homerland): “It smells funny in there”
Homer: “No it doesn’t”
Can’t sleep, clown will eat me. Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.
Good heavens! This place is a palace! I live in an apartment above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.
We need more Bort license plates in the gift shop. I repeat: we sold out of Bort license plates…
TRAM-BAMPOLINE!! TRAM-BOPOLINE!!
[www.youtube.com]
video evidence
I can’t believe that after 561 comments, my choice is still there.
“It’s lamb, Lisa, not A lamb.”
Also, favorite five episodes:
Homer vs. the 19th Amendment
$pringfield
Homer At The Bat
Behind The Laughter
Homer’s Enemy
STUPID SEXY FLANDERS! [www.youtube.com]
I am evil Homer! I evil Homer! [www.youtube.com]
Did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
[www.youtube.com]
For the win!
Abe: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Nelson: “Shoplifting is a victimless crime….like punching someone in the dark.”
Homer’s Triple Bypass is my personal choice for Best. Episode. Ever. From the open “Cops: In Springfield” to plenty of Dr. Nick “And remember, if anything goes wrong, one hand washes another…hey, that reminds me!”
But nothing will match this truly amazing moment:
Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on my time. That’s right, keep eating. Little do you know you’re drawing ever closer to the poisoned donut. Mwahahahaha…there is a poisoned one, isn’t there Smithers?
Smithers: Uh, no sir. I discussed this with our lawyers, they consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
Principal Skinner: We’re not coming down until you acknowledge and celebrate our love!
Maude Flanders: I don’t think we’re talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty the Klown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they shut that place down!
“OUT OF THE WAY, EWE!!”
[www.youtube.com]
“PI IS EXACTLY 3!!”
Since this is a sports-related site, let’s close this thread out with one of my favorites:
“…and here come the pretzels!”
(and all that follows, of course)
[www.youtube.com]
“Look how loud I have to yell.”
“Oh no, those horrible women want their omelets.”
“It’s all in the Bible, son. It’s the prankster’s Bible.”
“Marge, I’m not going to lie to you.” [walks away]
“Some of these players have a bad attitude, Skip. No hustle either, Skip.”
“Everything lasts forever.”
“Look at him. Filling my head with paranoid thoughts.”
“Did you know these so-called volunteers don’t even get paid?”
“Everything about the past was perfect, except how it led to the present.”
“Stupid babies need the most attention.”
I can’t believe this is still on the table:
“He said it was just a name!”
“What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula!”
JUST EAT THE DAMNED ORNGES
Back to Winnipeg!
[youtu.be]
Got-here-late bonus:
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No…he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities but then I’d be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s
Yes, that’s a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice; yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
Homer: “D’oH!’
Lisa: “A deer!
Marge: “A female deer!”
[www.youtube.com]
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you’re in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It’s 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven’t slept in days.
Homer: no beer and no tv make Homer something something…
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do!
Grandpa: The Metric System is the tool of the Devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and thats the way i likes it!
So late to this, but what a gold mine. I know this is cheating, but here are two:
Marge: “What are you doing?”
Homer: “No time to answer that, Marge. I’m setting up a home Internet business.”
Homer: While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I’m at work busting my hump!
Marge: Oh please! From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch!
Homer: Who told you that!?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!
“Marge, I’m not going to lie to you… Well, good night.”
From Little Big Mom:
Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders.
Bart: Bart: Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid.
Homer: Lisa I’ll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it’s not a practice…..
See, there it is! But that was a practice. The system works!
From Das Bus
Ralph: Tastes like burning
Homer Simpson: [reading an envelope in his mailbox] “Flancrest Enterprizses”?
Ned Flanders: Oops. That’s for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business,
Homer Simpson: You liar! You don’t have a home business! Why would you make up a lie
like that?
Ned Flanders: No, it’s true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the internet.
Homer Simpson: Internet, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too.
Homer Simpson: Scratch, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yep.
Homer Simpson: Maude, eh?
when it comes to compliments, women are ravenous bloodsucking monsters who always want more… more… MORE!
Oh yeah, a dog like that you have to feed every day.
One of my absolute favorite exchanges ever:
Lou: Here’s your man, chief.
Wiggum: Cecil? I think not. This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob.
Lisa: No, Chief, Bob’s innocent, it’s the truth!
Wiggum: Truth, hah? That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson.
Lou: Cecil just voluntarily confessed, Chief.
Wiggum: That’s some good work, Lou. You’ll make sergeant for this.
Lou: Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief.
Wiggum: Perhaps you are. But I say Bob goes back to jail.
Sideshow Bob: But surely- I mean, I caught Cecil!
Wiggum: Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.
Lou: No, I didn’t, Chief.
Wiggum: Quiet, Lou… or I will bust you down to sergeant so fast it’ll make your head spin.
Kearney: Ah, you’ll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.
Kearney’s Kid: I sleep in a drawer!
My favorite Simpsons exchange ever:
Homer: [sleepy] Must…protect…sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong
must protect the sweet…the sweet…[snores]
Marge: [walking out] Homer?
Homer: [with a Spanish accent] In America, first you get the sugar, then
you get the power, then you get the women…[snores]
Marge: Homer…Homer!
Homer: Wha…what?
Marge: I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar! You’re
being completely paranoid.
Homer: Oh, am I? Am I really? Ah ha!
[Pulls a man from behind the pile]
Thief: [holds teacup and saucer] Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where’d you get the sugar for that tea?
Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second,
and I’d do it again. [sips tea] Goodbye.
I can’t beleive there are seven pages of comments and no one took this exchange:
Homer: Wow, you’ve got pencils with your name on them, just like a pencil company executive. I’d give anything for one of these.
Grimes: [takes pencil back] Any office supply company can have them made up for you.
Homer: Can I have this one?
Grimes: No.
Homer: Can… [thinks] Lenny have it?
Grimes: No.
Also, since this used to be a football blog I’m shocked no one went with the ultimate NFL burn:
Homer: [reading letter] “Project Arcturus couldn’t have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It’s not the Dallas Cowboys, but it’s a start. Drop me a line if you’re on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio.”
[Broncos practice ineptly on front lawn]
Awwwwwwww, the Denver Broncos!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
[Player tries to catch the ball, falls down]
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn’t.
[Another player tries to catch, ball hits him in the head]
Homer: [sighs] You just don’t understand football, Marge.
You kidding? Look! He painted a unicorn in space. I ask you — what’s it breathing?”
“Air?”
“Ain’t no air in space!”
“There’s an air in space museum!”
It’s just a little airborne. It’s still good.
Too many in this exchange to just pick one…
Homer: …so they say I might have a problem.
[finishes brushing his teeth, and polishes off a bottle of Duff]
Marge: [reading from a pamphlet entitled, "Is Your Spouse a Souse?"]
Homey, do you ever drink alone?
Homer: Does the Lord count as a person?
Marge: No.
Homer: Then yes.
Marge: Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
Homer: Thank you, that’d be nice.
Marge: Do you ever hide beer around the house?
Homer: Do I ever! (fetches a beer from its hiding place in the toilet tank, and
takes a swig] Ahhhh.
Marge: Do you ever drink to escape from reality.
Homer: [looks in the mirror and imagines himself as a big muscular guy]
[to "Can-Can"] Duhh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh
duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh…
Marge: Homey, I’d like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: …. Deer.
Marge: Please, Homey, I know you can do this.
Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
[puts the light out. We can hear the sound of a can popping open]
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, “Psssst, I love you.”
It’s uterUS, not uteryou
Marge: “Kids can be so cruel.”
Bart, walking by: “We can! Thanks Mom!” (runs away)
Lisa, from another room: “OWW!”
Bart: (laughs)
In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
[www.youtube.com]
TV Host: “Tonight on ‘Rock Bottom,’ we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers!”
Farmer: “Ah keep tellin’ ya, ah jest grow sorghum here.”
TV Host: “Uh-huh. And where are the hookers?”
Farmer: “‘Round back. …Whoops.”
Burns: “Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.”
Smithers: [Whispers in Burns' ear]
Burns: “Hm? Wha?….and by that I mean, of course, it’s time for the Worker of the Week award!”
Homer: I’m taking charge! Kids, there’s three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn’t that the wrong way?
Homer:Yeah, but faster!