It’s February! Almost time for the Super Bowl! YAY! Valentine’s Day is around the corner! BOOOO!

This year for Valentine’s Day, I’m putting in crazy-long hours at the Westminster Dog Show on the 13th and 14th, so I can’t possibly take my fiancee out to dinner in a packed restaurant of two-tops populated with overdressed people who don’t put enough energy into their relationships the other 364 days of the year. SHUCKS. Sorry, honey. I owe you one (1) romantic evening of takeout and “The Wire.”

Let’s get to your questions.

Dear Purveyors of Poonage,
I just got out of a 3 year relationship a month ago. I was the one who ended it, and I had already begun the Captain’s recommended program for getting over and out of a relationship. So, on that front, I’m doing great. Now, during my time leading up to the breakup, I met a really nice, attractive bartender at a watering hole here in New Orleans. Well, after the break up, my friends were buying me shots and telling her I was single. She, too, had become single recently and joined in on our festivities. After a few weeks of generally positive signals, I got up the courage to ask her for her number. To my surprise, she was all about giving me the number and promised to go out the following night.

Fast forward to the next night, she doesn’t come out because she’s sick.

I do believe you could use some quotes around that “sick.”

However, the whole time I’m out, she’s texting me in increasingly open sexual language.

I mean, who hasn’t been riddled with fever but totally horny? There’s an entire song about it.

So I think to myself, this is wonderful, this should be a no brainer. We make plans via text to hang out on Sunday after her nephew’s bday party. I texted her Sunday afternoon and asked if she still wanted to hang out afterwards and received no reply. So, if we’re keeping count, that’s twice I’ve been sold out. This woman has got me completely confused as to what the hell she wants. Is this a case of just leave it alone and don’t give her attention to pull her back in? Or should I just say fuck it and move along to the next willing recipient? Appreciate your feedback.
Signed,
Single and Salivating

It’s hard to say exactly what’s going on in your barmaid’s head. Some women are flighty as shit. Some people like to play head games. Some people make multiple sets of plans with multiple people and then cherry-pick who they like best.

Years back, I chased a woman who behaved similarly, and it was maddening. I would wait through the cancellations and reschedulings to get dates with her, and I still didn’t know how things were going to go: a great dinner could be followed by a peck goodnight or a night of sex, and I never knew which it was going to be. She was great-looking and I really enjoyed spending what little time I could manage with her (or rather: what time she could manage for me), but I never had any idea where I stood with her because her words never quite matched her actions.

Since you’re single, there’s no point in writing this girl off — it is ALWAYS beneficial to be in good with an attractive bartender — but I think you’re best off recalibrating your expectations to zero. Stay friendly with her, tease her about blowing you off, and if she suggests going out sometime, say, “Cool, but I’m going to make some back-up plans just in case.” If you vocally doubt her sincerity in wanting to see you, she’s going to want to prove you wrong to keep you on the hook. As long as you don’t have any expectations from her, you can’t be disappointed.

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Dear El Captain Fantactico,
This is a Valentine’s Day related question. Me and my girl

My girl and I

have been going out for a while and we’ve pretty much done all the relationship type things. I am going to refrain from being blunt, because I believe a true gentlemen doesn’t kiss and tell. Anyway my girl has never watched people bump uglies on the interwebs or on T.V. she seems interested though. How should I approach this?

I respect your sense of propriety. “As a true gentlemen, I shan’t ever disclose details of my romantic affairs in an anonymous forum! Now then: how might I introduce my lady companion to pornography?”

I don’t want to scare her off with the stuff I like, I highly doubt straight girls like girl on girl. Plus women being women like emotional sappy story line crap (basically all the stuff we fast forward through). How should I attack it: watch a classic, basic soft stuff, or my preferred route the porn parody (I bought the 30 Rock one FWIW)?
Gracias,
Newton LeRoy Jenkins

So your big idea for Valentine’s Day is to get your girlfriend to watch porn with you, huh? Well, that’s it, then. Mark your calendar: February 2nd, 2012. The day I no longer remembered what it was like to be young.

The way to sell your woman on something YOU want to do in bed is to ask about what turns HER on. With some careful guidance, you can steer the conversation to YOUR turn-ons, and then you carefully say how hot you think it would be if she watched some porn with you. If she seems open to it, you can ask her what she thinks she might like (and if she doesn’t know, then yeah, something with a semblance of a plot like the 30 Rock spoof would be a good call). If she’s not down for it, then you apologize and say, “Oh, that’s cool, I don’t even watch porn.”

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Dear KSK,
Football: Why would I want to join a fantasy league? Everything I read makes it sound like loathing heaped upon sadness and OCD.

Yeah! And why do people go to Vegas?!? People just kill brain cells and lose money there. It doesn’t sound like any fun at all.

Wedding: I’ve been picked to emcee a friend’s wedding this summer. I have stories to tell, but where’s the line? There’s expectations, and then there’s practicality and acknowledging that I’m getting a free meal and drinks.
Thanks,
Roald

An emcee? Are they not hiring a DJ or a band with a singer? I mean, it’s a wedding, not a variety show.

Regarding your stories: funny is good, sincere is better, brief is best. A wedding should be about the bride and groom, not some asshole with a microphone.

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Caveman,
Keeper question: PPR league, who do you keep, Maclin or Mathews? I’m leaning towards Mathews, he stayed remarkably healthy this year, while Maclin was hampered with injuries, but I’m not sure if that trend will continue. Plus he has that fatass Tolbert vulturing TD’s. I defer to your expertise.

You could argue either way, especially if ol’ Deshithead departs in free agency and increases Maclin’s prospective value. I’d still lean towards Mathews, though — I see him continuing to improve into his third year.

Relationship Question: Not about me but a close friend of mine (let’s call him Doug). Doug’s been dating a girl for 1.5 yrs and they decided to move in together last August. Things were going Ok I guess but when they went to their respective home towns over Christmas break, she was hanging out with her ex and acting sketchy towards Doug (not returning texts, being evasive, etc). When they both got back, she said she thought they needed a break. Doug was pissed off and assumed she hooked up with her ex (she denied this). He essentially said, “OK, let’s take a break, do w/e the fuck you want and I’ll do what I want”. She decided to go to a wedding as the date of her ex. Doug was understandably pissed off again and broke it off completely with her. He is now seeing another girl, and he and his now ex-girlfriend are not on speaking terms. They share a one bedroom apt, both are on the lease (until August 2012), and neither can afford to move out and pay double rent somewhere else.

He’s totally fucked isn’t he?

Yup.

Is there any way out of this shitty, shitty situation? I tried to give him advice (sublets, etc), but it basically boiled down to “Sorry man, you’re screwed. That sucks.”

The lesson, as always, is never love anybody.
-Dingus

INCORRECT! Love as often and as deeply as you can. The lesson should be “don’t move in with your significant other unless you’re both 98% certain you want to spend the rest of your lives together.”

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CC,
Fantasy first: In my first time doing an auction draft I drafted an awesome team only to lose in the championship only because Tony Romo’s hand got acquainted with Jason Babin’s helmet in week 16. No question. I’m just still bitching to anyone who will listen.

Sorry, what? I was watching TV.

Sex: I’m a junior in college and at a party last night I had an almost identical situation happen to me as what happened to Alex, the sender of the last question in the Valentine’s Day mailbag from Jan. 19. Only in my situation, I was fairly drunk and this very attractive girl was drunk as was to a slightly lesser extent. I got her to come back to my room and sit down on my couch, but then she said she doesn’t hook up with random guys. She will only hook up with them if they take her on a couple of dates. I don’t remember the specifics of our conversation but we talked for another hour or so before I walked her home and got her number. Should I even waste my time taking this girl out if she didn’t oppose the idea of it when I drunkenly promised I would? Or do you think she was just trying to get me to not come on to her? (which is entirely plausible, but she did continue to talk to me for an hour)
-Josh

Bad news, bro: some women aren’t sluts. Ugh, I know. I know. Don’t they understand that we just want to drunkenly use their bodies like a playground, go to sleep, and maybe wake up to a sandwich? Why can’t they just be cool like that?

Alas, many women prefer to get to know a guy and feel a deeper connection with him before extracting semen from his body. Depending on who you’re asking, these women are either “prudes” or have “self-respect.” (I usually feel it’s the latter, unless I have a boner.)

If you like her, take her on a date. If you’re just a drunk college kid looking to stick your dick into warm orifices, go hit another party.