Fair warning that the video above is a TMZ clip and therefore has voiceover narration that’ll make you punchy. Anyway, the gist is that the TMZ celebrity airport stalker working the LAX beat came across Eddie George and thought he was Calvin Johnson. That’s… well… [rubs temples] That’s too retarded to even be racist. I hope my suspicions are correct that this was an intended joke, otherwise I will renounce being human and light out to live among the beasts. Nevertheless, Eddie played along and, to his credit, gave some amusing answers.

Q: You’re one of the biggest wide receivers ever. How many calories do you consume a day?

George: 10,000

Q: Is that mostly meat or carbohydrates?

George: It’s meat, snakes and pigs. To be in this physical shape, and what I do every Sunday, that’s what it requires.

Q: What kind of activities are you barred from doing?

George: Oh my. Well, I can’t go to massage parlors. We can’t go to birthday parties.

You know, if an NFL player told me that the league forbid attending birthday parties, I might believe it. But there’s no way I’d buy that snake is that caloric. That’s a lean meat. These are the things you learn when your parents send you to bed without dinner and you gotta sneak out back to make do with late night garter snake.