Just because Andrew Luck’s father is West Virginia’s Athletic Director doesn’t mean that he was definitely conceived on a burning couch. It’s a mere possibility at best.

Name: Andrew Luck
Age: 22

Position: Quarterback/Engineer
School: He tells people he went to school in Palo Alto.

Height: Perfect
Weight: Perfect

Son of a: Former quarterback with ties to several mismanaged entities, including NFL Europe, Major League Soccer and the Republican Party.

Twitter: Waste of time.

Potential Berman nicknames: Andrew Luck Be a Lady, Dumb Luck (as an Ivy Leaguer* Berman is compelled to needle any Stanford man)

*Brown requires an asterisk

HBO Show: No, that show is actually an elaborate ploy to make people care about horse racing again. Nice try, David Milch. I care less about horses than I do about people from Cincinnati.

Nicest comparison: Peyton Manning on roller blades.
Meanest comparison: Tim Couch on ice skates.

Strengths: Calling his own plays at the line.
Weaknesses: Talking to pretty girls without sweating and rubbing his face.

Relevant medical conditions: Anyone who is linked so closely with Peyton Manning should be considered at risk for developing Neck AIDS. The doctor with whom I consulted disagrees and questions my background in diagnostics. He probably went to Brown.

Interesting tidbit*: Was once arrested after being caught masturbating during a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

*Tidbit made up off the top of my head due to lack of interestingness.

Who wants him: The Colts.

Who will take him: Whoever is willing to give Jim Irsay six first-round draft picks and any surviving pieces of Jimi Hendrix’s Monterey Strat.

What the scouts are saying: [fapping]

Immediate impact: The biggest thing to hit Indianapolis since the 33rd Steak ‘n Shake opened its double-wide doors.

Down the road: Highly successful offensive coordinator.