A “Cortlandia” Leap Day Special
02.29.12
Cortland Finnegan: Hey! Happy Leap Day!
Okay, what are we doing? We gotta do something to celebrate.
Von Miller: What are we doing for what? What are you talking about?
Cortland Finnegan: 2012 is a Leap Year. It’s February 29! Leap Day! You have to do something crazy and unexpected on Leap Day. That’s how it works. It only happens once every four years. Seize it! Didn’t you see 30 Rock last week?
Von Miller: No one watches 30 Rock anymore.
Cortland Finnegan: True. But I just happened to see the one last week.
Von Miller: Well I didn’t.
Cortland Finnegan: Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The important thing is, we’re finding something crazy to do. I’m serious about this.
Von Miller: Okay?
Cortland Finnegan: [Sighs] You’re not really working with me here.
Von Miller: I just don’t see the point. This isn’t a holiday or anything. All it is is an occasional extra day included to correct for the drift between the regular calendar year and the astronomical year.
Cortland Finnegan: Tell me makes any less sense than most other holidays. Look, you’ll get into it once we start party planning. Oh, I know, let me check Wikipedia to see who was born today! Leap Day would be such a weird birthday, right?
[Messes with iPhone for five minutes]
Cortland Finnegan: No way! You know who’s born today? Are you ready for this?
Von Miller: …Sure.
Cortland Finnegan: Ja Rule! Ja f*cking Rule! Perfect party theme. Ja Rule Leap Day Party, y’all!
Let’s hang up the projector screen and show this Ja Rule-Wes Anderson mash-up video on loop. That’d be so dope!
Von Miller: Just hold up for a sec. I don’t get this at all. Why are in a house together in Portland? That’s a completely impractical place for either of us to live. Neither of us are from here. We don’t play here. They don’t even have an NFL team in Portland. More to the point, why would either of us need a roommate? We’re starters in the NFL. Even on my rookie contract, I make more than enough to afford to be on my own. And finally, and most importantly, CORTLAND FINNEGAN, is that YOU are not a hipster. Not even remotely close. You’re a monster asswipe who picks fights with people on a constant basis. You couldn’t possibly be any less of a hipster.
Cortland Finnegan: That’s Leap Day, dude. It’s crazy! Nothing makes sense.
Von Miller: …Oh.
But it really is Ja Rule’s birthday, right?
Cortland Finnegan: F*CK YEAH
Von Miller: All right, let’s do it.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/05/0520-tim-teebow-girls-1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/05/HamNite-150x150.jpg)
This was a bit of a reach, but Finnegan IS a monster asswipe, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching Andre Johnson clean his clock:
[www.youtube.com]
It was either this or write about how Tebow and Taylor Swift are going on a date. I think I made the right call.
/off-season
Is their celebrity couple name Swifbowt, and if so, are they telling lies about Vietnam vets?
This was good, but now I’m intrigued by the possible Tebow/Swift post. MaybeTimmy writes into the mailbag to find out how to get Taylor to touch his elbow? Or anal sex.
I don’t know if I want to punch Cortland Finnegan more or less now.
What a waste of a good stereotypical Irish name.
Uh oh. Someone just requested a trade to the TrailBlazers: [hypefloats.files.wordpress.com]
And these two guys want to come too:
[assets.sbnation.com]
/Stupid NBA hipsters
And never again shall we see see a Boss Todd/ Hines Wald post.
[profootballtalk.nbcsports.com]
/Listens to ‘Candle in the Wind’
No smirre.
/listens to Asian karaoke version of “Canderr in the Wind”
Why aren’t they celebrating the 52nd anniversary of Family Circus debuting?
Who would do such a thing?
NOT ME
/Family Circus LULZ
//blames it on Hines being released sadness
Apparently the new cartoonist who came on after Bil Keane died had a troubled childhood.
Good God, there is a treasure trove of this stuff on the Internet. Well, the rest of my night is shot.
Hipster Cortland Finnegan>Tebow
Not to pull a threadjack here, but did anyone else see these stories today:
[sports.yahoo.com]
[sports.yahoo.com]
The Cox trial story is definitely a must read for the victim’s account of when intercourse with Demaryius Thomas is or is not rape and the proclamation of how many drinks it takes for her to get blackout drunk. Also, Cox was charged with “one count of sexual assault while the victim was incapable of determining the nature of the conduct”, which sounds like just about the most bullshit charge ever because bitches be lyin’ and shit, amirite?
Rule: if she is passed out don’t fuck her.
So if she is passed out, it doesn’t mean “she is ready”?
/record scratch
//Prosecution calls for a mistrial because they didn’t know Thomas would say that. Awesome.
Von’s thumb now points in a different direction, a direction you wouldn’t know about.
+1
You just know Finnegan pinches dude’s balls at the bottom of a fumble pile. What a piece of shit.
/who is richer than I will ever be
//yes, I’m jealous
*dudes’
Why is there a piece on LMFAO up?
Man, if I were Cortland Finnegan I totally wouldn’t have broken up with Meadow Soprano in the library at Columbia.
That’s the friendliest Cortland Finnegan has ever been in his real or fictive life.