The Houston Texans open up Wild Card Weekend at home against the Cincinnati Bengals in a match-up of teams that have zero chance of reaching the Super Bowl. The most recent line is -4 in Houston’s favor, but the Bengals easily win the crazy-ass tattoo match-up. So congrats to you, Mr. kung-fu monkey tiger thing. You are certainly more interesting and less predictable than this, the most Ohio of all body art.

The Texans haven’t actually won a game since narrowly edging out these same Bengals to clinch the AFC South title. Worry not, Taylor Jonathan Joseph Yates is moderately healthy and ready to lead his team against fellow rookie quarterback Andy Dalton. The site formerly known as Bodog lists the over/under on each quarterback’s passing yards at 210.5, so you fans of the forward pass should amuse yourselves in the comment section until tonight’s game.