It’s January 19th, and as your internet-dwelling life coach, I’m inclined to remind those of you in a relationship that there is less than one month until Valentines Day. Now, you and I and everyone else knows that Valentines Day is a load of crap, but that doesn’t give any of us a free pass. You still have to do something romantic or buy her a gift or some shit because OTHER women are being treated to dinner and chocolates and jewelry. That’s the crux of Valentines Day, really. It’s not about a woman having a healthy, happy relationship — it’s about showing those other bitches how fantastic her love life is.

That’s why I recommend sending flowers to your lady’s place of employment. Everybody ends up happy: she gets flowers (BITCHES LOVE FLOWERS), I don’t have to show up wearing a tie anywhere, and all her co-workers get jealous and wish they had thoughtful men in their lives. Well, I guess not everybody ends up happy. But close enough.

Let’s get to your emails.

Dear dicky dicks,
My penis says SEX first: My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. Recently, I came to a startling realization: we don’t have sex anymore!

What a shocking and unique revelation. I love that we break new ground in the mailbag every week.

That’s not entirely true, so let me explain myself. My girlfriend was a virgin when we started dating. Post cherry-popping coitus, it was like she had been liberated. We would fuck often, including in some public spots.

Young people having sex in public? Well I never! Good thing my monocle is affixed to a chain, else it would have been lost in the bear skin rug on which I stand.

We’ve never had shitloads of sex because I live with a roommate, and she doesn’t like to have sex with me when he’s home. I know that doesn’t make sense considering I just said we used to do it in public. I guess the people that might happen on us in public are complete strangers, but my roommate she actually knows so she’s more self-conscious? Idk.

Anyway, she also still lives with her parents,

Sweet.

so we rarely have sex at her place. We’re both in our early 20s going to school at a local university. Long story short, we used to have sex at least once a week, and she used to WANT IT. She’d take charge and jump my bones. Now, we’re down to about once a month, and we only fuck when I ask for it. The passion just isn’t the same.

I confronted her about this, and she copped to being busy and neglectful, and that she’d make an effort to have more sex. That’s great and all, but now I feel like she’s only having sex to satisfy me and not because she wants to.

I asked if she wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore (my first guess), or if she was seeing someone else (my second guess), and she denied both. So, now I ask you. What gives? I’ve been conditioned to believe that two young people in their 20s should fuck like porn stars constantly, but is the sex just fading because of how long we’ve been together? I’ve never been in a relationship even remotely close to this one in length of time. If the sex is already dying out now, where the fuck will it be if we ever get married?!

Hold on, let me ask my dismissive wanking GIF.

Predictably, dismissive wanking GIF has nothing to offer besides dismissive wanking. But let’s break that down piece by piece. On the notion of you getting married to this girl:

On getting married to the person you lose your virginity to:

On talking about sex in FOURTEEN different sentences, but never once writing the word “love” regarding a three-year relationship:

I mean, do I even have to explain how breaking up works? You and your girlfriend both need out of that relationship. Especially her.

FOOTBALL: One and done in the playoffs–fuck you very much, Percy Harvin–left me with the 9th pick in my 12-team league. WTF DO YOU DO WITH THAT SHIT?! All the good RBs will be gone, and probably Brees and Rodgers, too. I’m going to have to go WR in the first, aren’t I? I hate doing that shit.
Love Sometimes And Only When You Ask For It,
Sexless in South Texas

Ease up on the all-caps drama, it’s the ninth pick in a fantasy football draft. Brees will still be available, as will Tom Brady, though I’m not sure if I’d go for those dudes with the ninth pick. I’d take Calvin Johnson at 9 without a second thought, though.

**********

Dear Captain,
First, not much fantasy. I invested in the Matt Schaub-to-Andre Johnson connection, and rightfully got burned for making such a dumbass mistake.

That’s not a dumbass mistake. You invested in two good players who got injured. It happens.

Inexplicably though, I managed to make our 6 (out of 12) playoff with a 5-8 record on a 4-way tiebreaker. I am the Seahawks of our fantasy league.

BEST LOSING TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!

Second, sex. I just broke up with my boyfriend (I’m gay) of 4 1/2 years this week. It sucks and I’m still hurting over it, but it had to happen. I’m taking some time to clear my head, and am already doing some of the stuff you recommend (gym, going out with friends, etc), but it’s dawning on me that I don’t know “how” to be single.

That’s such a confounding thing to not know. There are no instructions. You just do what you want to do.

(Side note: I was so perplexed that I Googled “how to be single”, but the results weren’t very helpful, so I Googled “how to be single and gay”. Good news: there’s a book! Bad news: the person you’re seeking advice from Googled “how to be single.”)

I was with this person since I was 21 and was so terribly aloof when I was younger that I didn’t really have any other serious relationships. I’ve only had one sexual partner. I don’t know how to make a pass at someone, and am too much of an oblivious dumbass to pick up on when someone is making a pass at me.

Not possible. Gay men are not subtle about their passes. Or rather: straight men are not generally friendly to other men they don’t know. It’s so unusual for a straight guy to meet a stranger and have a friendly conversation that when it DOES happen, one of the guys inevitably says something like, “Hey man, I don’t want this to sound gay, but it was cool hanging out.”

While my boyfriend liked my personality, my body, and our sex life, I have zero clue if he was just an anomaly and I’m actually off-putting and bad in bed.

UGH STOP BEING AN INSECURE GIRL

At some point, I’ll have to go back out into the sea and start over if I’m going to move on, but I’m in my mid-twenties and just feel like I’m behind the 8-ball.

Yes, as a gay man in your mid-20s, there’s so much pressure to get married and have babies before your ovaries dry up. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Any tips on how to learn – fast – on not being the awkward and inexperienced single guy? My fear is turning into “that guy.” It also doesn’t help that I’m in grad school in the South and the gay dating scene here is…limited, to say the least. I don’t need to be a swingin’ single, just how to get back into the damn pool without water wings. At least my partner and I were long-distance so I won’t have to worry about running into him. I know you normally deal with the breeders, but I figured your advice would be applicable for my kind as well.

Thanks, 26-year-old-kinda-virgin

Online dating. It gives you the protective layer of the Internet, then when you go on dates you can say preposterous things like “I’m doing online dating because I don’t know how to be single.” You can get laid a couple of times and get a better idea of what you like and don’t like in a sexual partner. Who knows, you might even meet the next Mr. Right.

**********

CC,
First, I know it’s about nine months away, but I think your Seahawks will be an excellent NFC West bet next year. The 49ers are primed for a little regression.

That’s kind of you, but a foolish notion until Seattle fixes its quarterback problem.

Moving on: I’ve been single throughout college — gotten enough through random drunk hookups to maintain hope another one will come, though not nearly enough to avoid complaining bitterly. I recently had a rather disappointing experience at a party — I settled on a girl I wanted and actually managed to get her attention and talk to her for at least an hour. The conversation was a little flirty, but not anything extreme, and when the party was wrapping up, she politely rebuffed my not-that-subtle attempt to get her to leave with me. I spent the last few days second-guessing my conversation, whether there’s anything else I could have said. But we were talking, just the two of us, for over an hour. Given that much time, in general (obviously every situation’s a little different, and I know you weren’t there), is it more likely that she just found me interesting to talk to, non-sexually, or could I have actually done anything else to woo her? She had me there for an hour; if she wanted me, she would’ve let me know, right?
I’m sorry there’s no actual sex here,
Alex

She’s not attracted to you. There’s nothing you could have said that would change that, unless you subscribe to that whole negging/seduction science thing. My old roommate once lent me Neal Strauss’s The Game, and I couldn’t finish it. Whatever insight into the world of female psychology it offered was negated by jackasses treating people like shit.

Anyhoo, that’s it. Three emails were all I got this week, and I’m happy to work less. However, I realize that some of you are going to be disappointed, so here’s a sexy bonus:

Holy cow that ass is ON A SWIVEL.

(via Viral Viral Videos and Jimmy Traina’s twitter).