Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!
-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh
TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!
Q: Last month, you told Tim Tebow, to his face, “Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them!” And then the Pats won! I can’t decide if this is amazing, or if it’s even MORE amazing.
-Wendell, Newton
TFQ: It’s nawt amazing. Nawt if you simply pay attention to the lines and know footbawll the way I do! Everyone knew that little Timmy Christblowah was no match fahhhh the powah of the GRAWNK. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone thawt the Pats would lose that game. EVERYONE. And now everyone expects them to lose this game, making them the first #1 seed evah to NAWT GET RESPECT. You wawtch. You wawtch Tawmmy Brady treat Vawn Millah like the packie store-ahhhh Kanye West that he is!!!
Q: I think we should call Gronk “Jem,” after Jem from “The Town.” Think about it. He’s tough. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. He puts himself in harm’s way. THERE CANNOT BE ANY OTHER NAME FOR HIM.
-”The Matt”, Manchester
TFQ: I love it. It’s perfect. MY READAHS COME UP WITH BETTAH NICKNAMES AND BETTAH CATCHPHRASES THAN YOUR-AH READAHS!!! My only beef with that nickname is that Jeremy Rennah is NAWT a true movie stahhhhh!
Q: How fast can Tawmmy Cruise run in the 40? DON’T YOU THINK HE’D MAKE A GOOD GUNNAH FOR-AHHH THE PATS’ PUNT TEAM?!
-Bobby33, Woburn
TFQ: People have ahhhh-gued about this for-ah yeeee-ahs. The nation is firmly divided into pro-Cruisahhhhs and anti-Cruisahhhhhs. NO ONE DENIES THIS. IT’S A STANDARD AHHHGUMENT IN AWLL HOUSEHOLDS. Now, I don’t think he’s any Jason Preistley, WHO CLEARLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AN OLYMPIAN IF NAWT FOR-AH 90210. I think he’s more-ah of an overly competitive assfag who prawbably ovah-estimates his own athletic ability. In othah news, I TOTALLY DRAWPPED 15 POINTS ON MY BOY HOUSE-O AT THE Y THE OTHAH DAY! I KNOW BASKETBALL. Also, don’t you think that Tebow and Cruise ahhh exactly alike? Good call, me!
Q: Don’t you think that NFL teams should be able to trade their first round draft pick in exchange for winning all playoff tiebreakers the following season? Wouldn’t the Chargers have done this? TELL ME THE DOWNSIDE!
-Random Fuckhead, San Diego
TFQ: FACKIN’ BRILLIANT! WHY AM I NAWT IN CHAHHHGE OF AWLL SPARTS? On anothah note: I wish I had gawn to cawllege in San Diego, becawse I would have facked lawts of blawnde chicks! AM I RIGHT?!
Q: I love you! I love you so fucking much!!!!!!!!
-Bob, Miami
TFQ: (backing away slowly, becawse you ahhh a fag. I HAVE STAHHHKAHS!!!!)
Q: Why didn’t the NBA make every rule change you said they should make? WHAT THE FUCK?!
-Andy, Charlotte
TFQ: (nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)
Q: I’ve gawt a great name for any group of girls who come into a bahhh and stahhht singing real loud: BAG O’ CUNTS. Perfect, right?
-Charlie, LA
TFQ: I’ve been using this term for-ah yeee-ahs! Why ahhh the rest of you so fahhh behind me on this?!
Q: Deosn’t Alex Smith remind you of Alex Van Halen?
-Linda, Boca Raton
TFQ: NO YOU STUPID CUNT! He is just like Neil fackin’ Peart! So typical of a stitched-up cunt to fack up that analogy!
Q: I was plowing this fackin’ harse-faced twat from Guatercio or whatevah the othah week, and the bitch was wearing my commemorative Pedroiah MVP t-shirt! And as I was stickin’ in her-ah poop chute, I gave Pedrioah the thumbs up and let him I was hitting that Hershey highway good! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?!
-Denis, Scituate
TFQ: Yup, these ahhh my little tawnstahs!!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I AM AWESOME!
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/RV-AF862_BEBE_G_20120203002501-150x150.jpg)
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Stupid twaht prahbably thawt “Teen Wolf” was about Mozaht’s adolescent yeahs.
TFQ: (nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)
Aaaaaand that made my Thursday. Fantastic.
Not related to anything, but I was watching The Dan Patrick Show on DirecTV today and I gotta say, the guest host was Bonnie Bernstein and she is a pretty tight little package. Somehow I never made the connection. That is all.
Tru dat, however I would certainly enjoy seeing Bonnie in a pair of similarly fitting jeans…… or out.
^^ That isn’t Bonnie Bernstein, it’s Ines Sanchez (of Jets harassment fame).
“Tight” is the word. How did she get THOSE on?
http://photos.lucywho.com/bonnie-bernstein-photo-gallery-c15909042.html
OOOOOH YEAH, I’d butt bang Bonnie Bernstein on the boards while biting her back.
“People with mailbags are so lame”
Is that a dig at Captain Caveman. The tag’s amusing considering the next post was CC’s weekly mailbag.
Poking fun at himself since he does the Jambaroo! funbag at Deadspin
I HAVE STAHHHKAHS!!!!
No joke: it took me a couple of minutes to figure out what the hell Tawwwmy was saying here. I’m very scared that my white ass finds PacMan far more comprehensible than this guy.
They’re not as far apart as you might initially think.
“Good call, me!”- Tawwwmy is Peter King?
What aaah you triggah man now?
There’s a character in “The Town” named “Jem”? That’s truly outrageous.
(nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)
Congrats … you have won the interwebs today.
Oh shit, I remember dating a girl from whoabun. Her mom was an exec for citizens bank and she.. well it’s actually a terribly anecdote but the point is woburn is pronounced WHOAbuhn, for all those die hard tawmmy-speak linguists out theahh
You sure she was a girl?
I STILL don’t get the reason why KSK hates on Simmons so much, but this is pretty freakin funny.
Agreed
I don’t think PK is a douche, just either very incompetent at his job or really just mailing it in after he established himself. Gregggggy is a self-important ass, but how many sportswriters aren’t?
Agreed very douchey, but sadly when paired off against other asshats like Peter King and Gregggggggg Easterbrook, he is relativity readable. God that’s sad.
Simmons is a very douchey writer. Think of him of as the “entourage” of sportswriters.
/He’d welcome the comparison.
Tommy,
Kill/Fuck/Marry:
Vincent Brisby/Shawn Jefferson/Terry Glenn
Not to quibble, but a Revere accent isn’t anything like that. I teach classes on New England accents ranging from the superior sound of the Cape Cod, to the obnoxious Worcester, to the lowly Pittsfield. The bonus package includes the incomprehensible New Hampshire and the uppity, self-righteous Vermont. Oh, and I’ll throw in the dull whisper of Maine for free because no one really gives a shit what those assholes sound like.
Molto bene!
I want to read one of these every week for the rest of my life.
Needed a question from House.
Great work – I seem to remember that there is a reason that you don’t do a regular Simmons write-up…is it something to do with the fact that he is a parody of himself already?
“Billy Zabka!” “Roadhouse!” “I wrote on Jimmy Kimmel’s show!”
I would guess because to that, you’d have to read it every week.
Which is why I wonder why they do the PK thing. They’re both awful, but for my money King is a universe or two worse. At least BS has a fleeting memory of his 5th grade grammar lessons.
Tommy sounds like a lot of Boston Bruins media writers these days. Great job.
What article is TFQ parodying?
It’s Simmons’ most recent mailbag. The actual column is an amazingly self obsessed piece of garbage. No surprise there.
With respect to giving credit where credit is due (sort of), Billy S broke from his usual pattern of being arrogantly terrible at NFL line picks to correctly guess all four wild card games to include being pretty damn close to all the actual scores and the way the games would generally unfold. What I’m trying to say is OH SHIT THE MAYANS WERE RIGHT AND THIS IS A SIGN THE END IS NIGH!
/honorary Pats fan this week
//NOT happy at all about it (fuck you Tebow)
How did it take this many years for this to come to fruition?
I know it’s not, but ever since I first saw the Tommy picture, I thought he had a Coors Light Thermos. It just seems fitting.
Tawwmy will nawt drink any swill from Denvah!
“I WWEBSITE AS ON THA INTAHNET!!!!”
Seriously, the similarities between that Ocean Marketing guy and Tawmmy were staggering. We may have found the subject of that photo.
http://kotaku.com/paul-christoforo/
I have a (marginally) sane friend who roots for the Pats. Time was, he’d say shit about football and I would listen to him. Now I just hear the Voice of “Tawwmmy” every time he unhinges with an opinion. Thank you for ruining this friendship. You’re the best.
Thinks “Bag of Cunts” should be a breakfast cereal.
Oh and….
http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/the-fear-of-god.jpg
Lovely. Just wow
You missed a couple of staples (rim shot):
1) Almost Famous reference
2) Levels of {X} where X can refer to hollywood actresses to actors who epitomize grittiness
3) Writing for Jimmy Kimmel
Maybe that means Tawmmy’s going to have to come back and do guest columns to show off his full repertoire…
6) “Pantheon” of some bullshit bouncing around in his head.
Ex. Jason Priestly and Luke Perry are in the Pantheon of 30 year-olds playing teenagers.
4) Reverse Jinx
5) Comparing greatest playoff games to obscure pop culture events
@miamidiesel: It’s not photoshopped. Last year I watched a replay of the Snow Bowl on ESPN Classic or something and Tawmmy suddenly came up in full moving pictures glory. I had to rewind it just from the shock but that’s definitely the accurate screengrab.
BAG O’ CUNTS = next season’s fantasy football team name.
No one is like Neil Peart. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I went to college in San Diego, I didn’t bang anyone
/went to UCSD =(
indeed it is. SDSU>USD> SDCC > Tijuana >>>>> UCSD
Is that where you refined your mastery of porn?
Of the three options, I would think UCSD would at least rank higher than USD. Then again, they all pale next to SDSU…
I really hate that jerk PK…. but I hate BS more….. Tawwmmy is AWESOME… more of him please
This is too close. It’s in the Peter King territory, where reading the drivel here is even more painful than reading the actual drivel on its own site. I mean, it’s funny, but kind of in a “I’m laughing even though my eyeballs are full of bleach” way.
I’M PUTTING THIS WHOLE COLUMN IN MY REARVIEW!
+1. (We can do that here, right?)
Hey, I know that guy in San Diego!
The fact that this is so close to what his actual shitball mailbag is like proves what an insecure, formulaic cockbag Simmons is. Bravo.
Dear Tawmmy,
You are always right about everything.
Sincerely,
Tawmmy
OK, so I FACKING made that one up. But I AM! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Every time I read one of these and think of the uncanny resemblance between Simmons and Tawmmy, I get so fackin’ happy that I pulled this off.
Also, all these years later, and I still can’t figure out whether the American flag and the Patriots thermos were photoshopped into that image or not.
Shit, I was totally going to use that joke. Well done.
That was a great fucking moment and you should be proud of that!
I swear to Tebow, Simmons blows!
I’m confused. I don’t remember clicking on a Grantland link, and yet here I am.
Absolutely terrific stuff here. Kissing Suzy Kolber always brings it and this is no exception. Spot-on, Drew.
A Tawmy mail bag. The guy can do it all !
All the more reason to root hard for Rag Armed Jesus Boy Weirdo this weekend.
Tawmmy is always at his best when he is mouring another Greatriots loss.
Great stuff as always, Drew.
What the hell happened there? Weirdest spam ever?
They’re both awful, but for my money King is a universe or two worse. At least BS has a fleeting memory of his 5th grade grammar lessons.Have you ever felt life is lonely and sometimes even boring? You may need a fresh thing to excite your mind. My best friend ,he met a cutest girl and they love each other! they date via online dating —(βlαckwhitеPlanet).{C 0 M}—it’s the most effective place in the world to connect with, to find intimate encounters.There you may easily have free contact with charming girls or handsome men….Hope you like it!Good luck!++++++Life is short. Enjoy yourself.It’s in the Peter King territory, where reading the drivel here is even more painful than reading the actual drivel on its own site. I mean, it’s funny, but kind of in a “I’m laughing even though my eyeballs are full of bleach” way.
you mean I shouldn’t continue rooting for meteors and earthquakes and Massachusetts to break off the continent, float off to sea, and be used as target practice for Kim Il-Sung’s ragtag band of North Korean miscreants? huh.
/yes, I know it would have to float a long way to get to the pacific. just go with it
Don’t worry TFQ, you will go to San Diego State…as a cadaver!
I liked the content, but the word count was lacking and the actual mention of the word count was completely absent. Unacceptable
.