The Cheese Falls Alone
01.15.12
Despite getting a handful of just horrible, horrible calls in their favor, the Packers were the first home team to drop a game this postseason. Very sad. But also hilarious to the point of gut laughter pain. Those State Farm ads will take on a very plaintive tone over the next week. It was a mixed weekend for teams with superior offenses and wretched defenses. The Saints and Packers, teams that many hoped to meet in the NFC Championship after a memorable Week 1 shootout and a season of putting up huge points, were downed by opponents that could actually bring pressure with their front four.
The Patriots, another team that fits the mold of defensively inept shootout kings, lived to grit it up another week because they ran into a Broncos team wholly unprepared to face a defense that wouldn’t stupidly stack nine in the box against them all game. Luckily, they’ll face Joe Flacco, who couldn’t make a throw today to save anyone’s life, let alone those who Ray Lewis helped kill but escaped serious conviction by ratting out his friends in a plea bargain with the court. The Ravens won’t be quite as stymied offensively next week, as Houston’s defense is far superior to New England’s. This also isn’t the floundering ’09 Pats team that Baltimore came into Foxboro and wiped their ass with in the Wild Card round a week after Wes Welker was lost for the season. The Patriots will put up points and Joe Flacco is actually going to have to do something, anything to keep up. Best of luck, Fu Manchu.
As for the NFC, the Giants will get the heft of the hype this week, by virtue of having felled the seemingly juggernaut droptastic Packers and also just being a team from New York. I wouldn’t bet the Niners will allow Eli to convert 5,000 third downs the way Green Bay’s porous defense did. And the Giants might do something to guard against Vernon Davis running free down the middle of the field. As PK would say, it’s an INTERESTING matchup, except for the potential of Alex Smith regressing to regular Alex Smith.
We’ll have live blogs for both conference championship games next weekend. Until then, I don’t know, get drunk and touch yourself.
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Dammit, it is ANOTHER worst year in history to be a Jets fan. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a SECOND Super Bowl between the Patsies and the Coughlins? And that also means at least two months of no sports radio, because all Mike Francesa will talk about is how the New York Football Giants and the Sainted Maras are the class of the NFL.
Giants-Patriots II: Nobody to root for (except for maybe a fat humps Locas Oil tornado at around 6:28 PM)
Pull hard for the Harbaughs this Sunday, everybody. Fabulous schadenfreude and then two weeks of Brother vs. Brother – The Rematch.
If only to see Jim Harbaugh pull Alex Smith in the first, regardless of effectiveness, and replace him with…Jim Harbaugh. All done to mock John for never having played professionally. Ah, sibling rivalry.
As much as I illogically hate the Bears and all their fans who think a single championship 27 years ago makes the the team good today (Wilbon), for at least this week I think we need to focus all of our impotent rage on the Patriots.
/too much. Stupid smart phone user error.
Yeah, I don’t really hate the Pats. They haven’t won anything since 2004, and have been pretty irrelevant in the playoffs since they lost to the Giants. That, and I don’t live on the East Coast so I don’t hear much about it except for all of the Simmons-eque LA Tawmmys that live out here. But they usually don’t talk to much when they are parking my car or refilling my beer.
I can’t really say I’d pegged Bill Simmons as the reason everyone hates us. Mostly because (similar to Peter King) the only Bill Simmons I’ve ever read is on this website when someone does a take-down. I know a plague when I see one and I know to avoid a plague. I just assumed it was all the #winning.
/kills self for referencing Charlie Sheen
//had to do it to fill the d-bag quota in one post (PK, BS, CS!?)
/I am so bored at work today I have resorted to trolling pats fans.
//Gronkowksi and Brady lead me to fantasy glory, I should be grateful.
///NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASTY TEAM!
Well, I guess you are right, since Bears v. Packers is “NAWT A RIVALRY” according to A+ Number One Fan Bill Simmons. You realize he is the main reason that everyone hates you, don’t you?
I’d save your flaccid hate at least one more week; Pats fans will be completely insufferable if we win the Super Bowl — Baltimorites (or Baltimorons?!) will be completely insufferable if they beat the Patriots and just show up.
Agreed. And as a Bear fan, I resemble that remark.
And I meant to reply to Cuntler’s thread.
/Goddamn it.
Thank you, Giants. Woodson and Clay Matthews have been exposed for the frauds they are. Green Bay fans, please clean the shit out of your beds.
/literally. Those fat fuck fans got so drunk on Old Milwaukee and cheese curds after that loss that bed-shitting was an inevitability.
Fair enough; I’m a Broncos fan and I think: most things in the universe>>>>> Bronco fans>Pats fans>Stiller fans (last two are close.)
But to me most fans tolerability increases proportionally to the number of said team’s losses, except for the woe is me part. Bucs fans are now OK.
Moose: In my humble opinion, Any other NFL team’s fans > Packer fans > Tebow. I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would support my dislike of a large, diverse group of people based upon one innocent trait with which I illogically find fault.
You prefer Jints fans over Packer fans? INTERESTING!
Agreed on Cutler.
P.S.S. The Packers will probably win a few more with Rodgers at QB, so cheer up. The Bears are doomed to Suckville (Peter King’s least favorite town) until the McCaskeys sell the team. So the schadenfreude is all we’ve got for now. Nothing personal.
I know nothing about what people in Wisconsin drink, since I avoid that cesspool like the plague. Also, I said Packer fans are fat, not Wisconsinites, there is a difference. And I will take Cutlerfucker over any of the shitty QBs the Bears have trotted out there for the last 50 years. Such is my plight as a Bears fan.
P.S. Bwahahahahahahahahah! Discount double suck! Bwahahahahahah, losers! Packers fans are fat! Hahahahahahahah!
/Schadenfreude is splendid.
Fat fucks who got got so drunk on Old Milwaukee and cheese curds > Cubs Fans
/No one drinks Old Milwaukee in WI
//WI is 25th in the nation for fatassness
///At least Culterfucker isn’t the QB of my favorite team
All I remember last night is running out of bourbon, Jacoby Jones, Batman and Jersey Shore. I think I resorted to drinking drain cleaner. Who else is heartbroken?
Have you ever felt life is lonely and sometimes even boring? You may need a fresh thing to excite your mind. My best friend ,he met a cutest girl and they love each other! they date via online dating —(βlαckwhitеPlanet).{C 0 M}—it’s the most effective place in the world to connect with, to find intimate encounters.There you may easily have free contact with charming girls or handsome men….Hope you like it!Good luck!
++++++Life is short. Enjoy yourself.
Emily: Just a reminder that, according to NFL rules “Hands cannot be thrust forward above the frame to contact an opponent on the neck, face or head.” Good luck with the whole contact thing (and thank you, Mel Blount!).
You a Ray Lewis fan Emily?
Emily, can any of the girls on that site form complete sentences?
Is this part of the touching oneself/drinking thing??
And how much does this “free contact” cost???
No one is talking about the most important story
The return of David Carr to SF
This may be the year that Scott Tolzien gets his ring.
Only 3 more NFL games left this year? That sucks.
Its that time of year – sucks when your team isn’t in, great when they are, until they lose of course.
This also isn’t the floundering ’09 Pats team that Baltimore came into Foxboro and wiped their ass with in the Wild Card round a week after Wes Welker was lost for the season.
God I love reminiscing about that game. Almost takes some of the sting out of how that season eventually ended.
I will be rooting B-more also; may even watch The Wire…. if it helps.
Even though your game is the Meteor Bowl Part 2 for me, I hope you guys beat Dreamboat again. I hate him that much and I respect Suggs.
Quarterback sucks! (In playoffs three straight years, winning record, etc.)
The O/D coordinator sucks balls, is a complete idiot! (Team in conference championship, winning record, respected for years in NFL, team ranked in top half in NFL, has spent 30 years doing this job.)
Refs can’t call anything TERRIBLE! (Independent statistical analysis says current reffing gets calls correct in the high 90s percentile. Must make calls in fractions of seconds, obviously wrong on hi-def super slo-mo different angle from refs perspective.)
_____ player sucks ass! (I picked him for my fantasy and his role on the team changed, lost my league. Starting on team and playing against the best athletes in world.)
HERP DERP! (As if the opposition actually didn’t get paid to make them derp.)
Head coach is idiot/ stupid/ doesn’t know what he is doing! (Play works; genius; play doesn’t work IDIOT call. 32 of most desired jobs in US, millions spent on analysis and support. Winning record, respected in league.)
Announcers are stupid/ idiots, etc. (Have been calling games for major networks for years, makes instant analysis of subject studied/ played professionally for years.)
Am I ready for the live blog?
Seriously though; I love this sport; if I disliked things about it to bitch and whine this much I’d stop watching and move on. I know most people (here at KSK) say these things in a humorous way, but your average fan does not. Jesus fucking Christ; did they make the internet just for people to bitch about inconsequential things, post videos of kittens and gonad impacts?
Rant over
/dick joke
//maybe I shouldn’t have had that many beers
///should go to another site to troll/ start PolFlaWa; maybe Warming Glow.
OK, Joe Buck is an exception. He should be dealt with accordingly.
Preach Brother!
I will submit to you that I have watched football for over 35 years and I can instantly “analyze” a professional game. Way better than Joe Buck can and without the outrage about Randy Moss pretending to poop.
/still pisses me off. That shit was funny!
Testify!
Yes, bitching about bitching, the other thing the internet was made for.
yes
The Ravens signed Bernard Pollard in preparation for this game. He knows why he was brought in, and he will do his job. We will mount Tom Brady’s ACL on a pike outside the stadium to serve as a warning to others.
\Remembers that our MLBs can’t cover TE’s for 5 yards, let alone 50 yards
\\Starts drinking heavily
Middle of the line has to get quick pressure (I’m talkin’ to you Haloti Ngata) A LOT.
Also, as much as it pains me, I think I’m going to root for the Giants if the Pats get past the Ravens. If the Pats lose, I’d like to see the 49ers win it all, but if the Pats go to the Super Bowl, I’d like a round two against the Giants on the big stage.
My situational rooting has turned to the 69ers and the Stabby Birds.
I’m going to say the Patriots defense is going to surprise everybody. I think they can take Rice out of the game and put it on Flacco, which is going to lead to some turnovers. The Ravens defense looked slow today and I don’t see them containing Gronknandez. Also, they didn’t put much pressure on Yates; if the Texans were sporting a QB that didn’t throw it into double coverage for kicks, this game was theirs to lose. They better hope they bring a better pass rush against the Pats.
Meh, this was a game the Ravens were supposed to win so the shit the bed. That’s what they do. They’ll have more running room against the Pats and the Pats don’t have Houston’s O line. I would still bet on NE but it wouldn’t take much to have Baltimore pull it out.
Yes, this seems about right……damnit
Can I get drunk and have someone else touch me? Like a woman? Or is that not allowed?
$50, $75 for finger in the ass*
*yours, yours.
Say what you want about Tom Brady: Troll Genius, he didn’t look like he took 3 weeks off.
mostly because he didn’t :P
I wonder who pays for the B-2 bomber flyovers and similar military hardware spectacles before each game? Those things cost a non-trivial amount of money to operate.
Haha, no worries. For reference, I’m getting drunk and listening to Rage Against the Machine.
I wish I could delete comments – that didn’t come out like I wanted and I don’t want to poflawa. Sorry everyone
/dick joke
//shows self out
If you pay taxes, you do. Greggggggggg has discussed it before. As former USAF, however, I don’t mind, because it is training for pilots and flight crews.
Nice Robert Cormier reference – bastards.
I hope the Pats and SF win so I can get called a cocksucker by Tawmmy.
You can safely bet, and I mean a lot, like hundred grand, that anything decisions the National Football League and Roger Goodell, as well as CBS, make (fade-in frozen tundra RG slo-mo promo video with steely gaze and smoky nostril flare) are only for the fans, because the fans want it, as well as our Armed Forces, they want it to.
*sigh*
Who wants to bet that Cam forgot to set his alarm on Saturday and missed the wildcard games?
/punches self in face
//knows that WELKAH and GRAWNK and LIL FACKIN WOODHEAD will probably kill the Ravens D
///watches the Ravens receivers drop more passes
////punches self again
If he wants to sleep through his alarm next weekend, I’m all for it.
Your Aaron Rodgers gif broke.
Ignore that. My internet was being about as reliable of Jermichael Finley’s hands.
Anybody else notice how often sports broadcasters are using the term “unbelievable” these days? It seems every other play is “unbelievable” now.
Either Buck or Aikman (can’t remember which) referred to Bradshaw’s run that set up the Hail Mary as unbelievable; Buck then called the TD to Nicks unbelievable, and in the next sentence, Aikman referred to that series of plays as “unbelievable stuff.”
Um, guys? These are quality pro football players. It’s actually quite believable that they’d make good plays.
Just something I’ve noticed this season. I think “unbelievable” is the new “THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE” or “THIS guy.”
Wait, this requires me to care about/watch the Golden Globes.
TOO DRUNK TO CARE.
Oh no, guys! Peter King surely will have something to say about this:
http://espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/story/_/id/7464475/tiki-barber-wants-meeting-says-new-york-giants-coach-tom-coughlin-accept
I’ll comfort-masturbate WHILE zerging the golden globes open thread!
Fek and I are having some fun over here. Join us
http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2012/01/uproxx-live-blog-2012-golden-globe-awards/#respond
When you guys get done touching yourself, lets zerg the golden globes open thread.
I got tickets and drove down to Green Bay at the last second, so I guess I missed a fantastic Rivebrog.
Also, I’m on suicide watch.
Also, I’m gonna get drunk and touch myself.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
RIP Packers bandwagon, 2011 Divisional Playoffs – 2012 Divisional Playoffs
And with that I hope Eli contracts neck AIDS once he knocks off the Pats.
Already way ahead of you on the touching self and drinking thing!
I am not normally one to complain about officiating, I believe the calls do even out. And I am also not trying to sound like a tool when my team won. But if you were a conspiracy theorist, the had to think the refs were trying to give that game to Green Bay. The officiating in this league is a fucking joke. GO GIANTS !
I just fucking hate dreamboat.
Not to jump on the butthurt pile or anything (since the refs are not the reason the Texans lost today), but there were 2 clear fouls that should’ve been called: Ray Lewis essentially punching Owen Daniels in the head and an obvious holding call on a play that resulted in a 1st down for the Ravens. The NFL’s officiating has gotten worse and worse. It’s time for pro officials.
I agree. With the fucking rule changes and the piss poor officiating, this game we all love is turning into fucking soccer!
You can bet your ass that if anyone comes within an inch of Dreamboat, the refs will either call a phantom “blow to the head” or Dreamboat will act like he got shot by a sniper and get a roughing call. God, I hate Goodell.
And, even though I’m a Steelers fan, GO GIANTS!
Since the refs couldn’t get Green Bay to the title game, Rodger Goodell is on a flight to Foxboro as we speak for an “Officiating Conference”.
Touch the Dreamboat = 50 yard penalty, and execution by the firing squad during Pats TDs.
Rodger Goodell’s wet dream of a flag football NFC Title game (and to a degree, Super Bowl) has mostly been defeated due to NO and GB’s derpatude. Expect The Ginger One to not allow the NFC to win a Super Bowl until 2036.