Today is your last chance to watch Cam Newton play for a while, but Michael Jordan’s mock turtles are here to stay.

It’s New Year’s Day and there isn’t a single bowl game being played. Weird. So if you were hoping to roll out of bed and watch a totally meaningless exhibition you’ll have to settle for the Redskins and Eagles. If it makes you feel better, just think of it as the Shitrus Bowl. Some of today’s games are worth a damn, however. Click here for all of the possible playoff scenarios, or just scroll down for our now exclusive THREE star rating system. Those Michelin frogs stole it from us.

Detroit at Green Bay ★
Tennessee at Houston ★
Indianapolis at Jacksonville ZERO DAMN STARS
New York Jets at Miami ★
Chicago at Minnesota ZERO DAMN STARS
Buffalo at New England ★
Carolina at New Orleans ★★
Washington at Philadelphia ★
San Francisco at St. Louis ★

GET EXCITED, PEOPLE!