Whew. Big mailbag today. There’s not much going on in the world of fantasy football, but we’ve got plenty to discuss when it comes to sex and love: drunken sex with a crazy girl, online dating, online dating that leads to drunken sex with a crazy girl, more drunken sex, and, uh… dealing with future in-laws? I guess that last one doesn’t quite fit the theme. Sorry.

Sultan of Sex,
FF: I have never really jumped into FF too much, but if I were to organize a league with some friends, what provider should I go through (Yahoo, ESPN, etc)?

My various fantasy football leagues are through Yahoo and NFL.com, both of which I enjoy for easy, sensible user navigation (I give a slight edge to Yahoo because I trust its performance predictions more). While I’ve never done a football league on ESPN, I’m currently engaged in a fantasy basketball league there, and so far I’ve been unimpressed. The navigation just isn’t very straightforward, and it’s skewed toward getting ESPN extra pageviews and comments instead of serving the user. The other big fantasy client is CBS Sports, and I don’t have enough information to say anything good or bad about it. But it’s the same network that airs “NCIS: Los Angeles,” so it’s not like I’m itching to change from an internet leader like Yahoo.

Lack of Sex: So, I’ve been friends with this chick just under a decade, and inevitably I like her, cause I’m a pathetic idiot. She’s great to be around, probably the best woman I know. Friends feel that we have great chemistry. Well, a few years back, we ended up kissing, and she turned my request down for there to be a relationship. We remained friends, but went separate ways relationship-wise (we’ve both been through committed relationships since).

Well, we have both been single for a while, and one night while drinking together (I was drunk, not her) about 4 months ago, I told her how I felt at the time,

Always a good idea.

and she basically told me it wasn’t going to happen. She felt there were differences we had that never had to be hashed out as friends, but would if we were together (religion, being one). She also felt that our personalities would clash. I’m a mild mannered guy who just goes with the flow, and she is kind of a control freak about things (Type A, as she says).

“Relaxed guy” with “Type A girl” describes approximately 75% of all heterosexual relationships. Translation: she is not attracted to you.

Fast forward to a month ago, and we were out drinking again, but this time she was drunk as well, and I guess feeling frisky, as things got quite a bit more physical between us than they ever had. There was no sex, but other stuff happened. The next day she texted me innocently, but didn’t mention the previous night’s activities. We hung out again about a week afterward (this was something planned a while back before the drunken escapades), and she was quiet and acting weird, which is odd since she’s normally a upbeat, fun person. I had planned on asking her what the fuck was up with the week before, but her lack of interest in hanging out deterred me. We haven’t hung out, nor talked much the last couple weeks, and in the last couple days I have tried to set up a time for us to get together to air this shit out, but she has been busy.

So, what say you? Am I being a fucking retard over this? Should I just forget this chick? That will definitely be easier said than done. Is it even worth my time to talk to her about this?
Thanks,
Dude who sucks at this dating shit

Listen, I don’t want to make grand, sweeping conclusions about this person you’ve known for years when I’m just working off a couple paragraphs. But I think she’s not interested in a relationship with you, and here’s why:

  1. Years ago, she said she didn’t want a relationship with you.
  2. Four months ago, when you expressed feelings for her, she said a relationship was never going to happen.
  3. When drunk and horny, she is willing to turn to you because you made it clear that you’re a sure thing. After the hookup, she ignored you.

So what do you think? Is a girl who does those things worth your time and emotional investment? Personally, I’d prefer someone who’s actually interested in me.

(Side note: I’d lay even money that the instant you ignore this girl and develop genuine feelings for someone else, this girl comes crawling back into your life. Women suck that way.)

**********

CC,
I don’t know if you have tackled this subject or not, but what are your thoughts on internet dating? Someone suggested it to me a while back and I immediately dismissed it, but now I’m starting to consider it.

Some background: I’m 25 years old and just got a divorce. I was married for about 2.5 years, and we were together off and on for several years before getting married. We have one kid together. I work an 8-5 M-F job plus I work weekend nights as well (which I only took because the ex-wife was going back to school; now that paycheck goes toward paying for the divorce and child support). Plus I take care of my kid 2-3 nights a week. So I really don’t have many nights off to go out and meet new people. I used to think internet dating was for losers, old people, people looking to cheat, and crazy stalkers/murderers. But supposedly it’s pretty common now for even people in their 20s and 30s. Your thoughts?
Sincerely,
R

Seven years ago, when I moved to New York and only knew two or three people in the city, I briefly tried online dating. It wasn’t a terrible way to meet people, but I noticed a trend: the women I wanted to date rarely responded to me, and the women who messaged me spurred reactions like, “Really? I can do better than that!” That was turned me off to the experience: not the ignominy of having to answer “So, how did you guys meet?,” but the reality that we all think we’re better-looking than we really are.

Things have changed since then. I went to DC for a business trip recently. One of my co-workers had been on OK Cupid, but hadn’t had much luck in New York. However, he had linked his phone to his profile, so thanks to the wonders of GPS, it automatically updated his location when he traveled to DC. And so a hot blonde chick messaged him and was all, “I know you don’t live here, but let’s get a drink before you go.” And so they met up, and they were both Redditors, and they both liked XBox 360, and he ended up staying two extra days for reddit and XBox and whatever else. Dude got a whole weekend of getting laid because his internet dating service worked overtime for him. Technology fucking rules.

Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with internet dating. Since those long-ago days of 2004, it’s not uncommon to hear about weddings between people who met online (I’ll be attending one such event in April). It’s more efficient, and you don’t have a lot of free time. Give it a try.

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Uncle Screwtape,
Sex: I got Yeltsin drunk at a bar and texted a girl who I’ve been talking to online to meet up. I ended up sleeping over at her place. Also, I make poor lifestyle decisions She was very nice but not as attractive as she looked online (and she probably thought the same of me, to be fair). Still, I let her know that I had fun, but I wasn’t looking to get into a serious relationship any time soon and would hang out with her again at some point. She seemed fine with that. We kept in light contact over the next few days. I went back to my hometown to visit a parent who was very ill in the hospital. Over the time I was there I wasn’t keeping in contact with anyone, let alone her. When I returned to the city, I told her I was back in town. She then sent me a series of texts about how upset she was I that haven’t talked to her in days. This angered me. In my head I was thinking “I’m not in a relationship with this person. Why should I have to defend myself over not calling someone you spent one night with when I was at home spending time with my sick mother?” I told a friend about this. He informed me he went out on a date with the same girl and she was a total psycho. He highly recommended cutting all contact with her. After that, I ended up ignoring a lengthy series of calls, texts, and IMs. I understand that was very cowardly mistake on my part.

Not really. If you’re not in a relationship with someone — as you are not with this girl — the clearest message you can send is to not respond to them. Most grown adults get the message.

But time went on and it all stopped. Of course, I ran into her last night. She went off on me, to the point where I had to take her outside. I just stood there for 20 minutes saying “sorry”, “I know it was a mistake”, and “what do you want me to say?” while she called me every name in the book. I didn’t want to say “Hey my friend said you’re nuts and to never talk to you again” because I didn’t want to get him involved. I let her know how bothered I was that she jumped down my throat for not talking to her for a few days. She didn’t see how that was a big deal. Anyways, she stormed off, and I went home.

Dude: your mother could have DIED. You have nothing to apologize for.

So, my question is: How should I deal with this person now? I will probably see her around town. She shops where I work. I don’t want to have a scene there. I really don’t want to get a drink thrown in my face every weekend or have to tell my friends we can’t go to a certain bar because I know she hangs out there. I’m also worried I will be out on a date and she would come over and ruin it. I know I was in the wrong and should of told her before that I think we should stop communicating. But now, I don’t even think any apology is going to quell her insane hatred. Any advice would help.
John Shithead

Seeing as how I just endorsed online dating above, it’s only fair that I point out this downside: you don’t get any of the inherent social vetting that people who meet through friends enjoy. If my friend John introduces me to his hot co-worker Alice, my brain automatically processes that Alice isn’t crazy, because John would warn me if she were. Same thing if you meet someone at a house party. You can ask a girl, “So, who do you know here?” and then connect the dots after she answers. “Well, if she’s friends with Marty and Bob, then she’s probably okay.” You don’t get that when you meet someone online.

Let’s talk about this particular breed of woman, shall we?

That’s from Pleated Jeans’ Best of the Crazy Girlfriend Praying Mantis meme. If you’ve never dealt with an insane bitch before, the meme is humorous but far-fetched. “Nobody actually says those things, right?” WRONG. Of the 25 image macros on that page, I heard 14 of them from one particular woman I dated. You know the way people who kick a drug habit talk about “losing” whole years of their lives? That’s what it’s like when you date a crazy girl. Be glad that you only had a one-night stand with this girl, because even the briefest of relationships with a crazy chick can poison every memory you have from an era of your life.

(NOTE: I don’t mean for this to be misogynistic in any way. The insecurities and distrust that create the stereotypical “crazy girl” are often sown by asshole dudes, and I’ve certainly been an asshole dude to unlucky women in the past. So I’m not trying to pretend I’m innocent here. Nobody’s innocent. None of that makes it any less pleasant to deal with an irrational woman.)

ANYWAY, my preferred method for dealing with an irrational psychotic woman is to move to another state. (In one case, an ex-girlfriend moved to another country, and that saved me a lot of trouble. Twelve time zones was ALMOST far away enough.) However, a lot of people have stronger ties to places than I do, so you may have to seek other avenues. I’m not an expert on getting a restraining order, but check out the comments and you’ll find that a lot of KSK readers are experts in that regard. Make of that what you will.

So do you what you have to do, and definitely avoid her at all costs, but don’t be afraid of her showing up and trying to ruin a date (especially if you get that restraining order). All you have to say is, “We hooked up once, then she freaked out because I didn’t call her while my mom was sick in the hospital.” See? You’re a prince and she’s crazy. I’m rambling. Next question.

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Dear El Capitan,
FF: Since I don’t have any typical lineup questions, how did your teams fare this season?

You are officially the last person to abuse this weakness of mine until next September. In the quickest manner possible: Juggalo Baby Funeral (KSK blogger 14-team keeper league) finished first; Muffcunt Vaginapussy (IRL friends 12-team keeper league) finished third, and Eagle Globe n Spanker (16-team league where I autodrafted) finished 7-6 and just missed the playoffs.

Sexy Time: Last summer, I was an intern at a company in the Midwest. One of my fellow interns was a girl who had the rare combination – at least in Midwestern women – of self-confidence, beauty and the desire to party. She was 22 going into her last year of college, I was 23 and out of school.We hit it off quickly. In one of our long conversations, she explained that, after a fucked up relationship she had in high school, she stopped ‘dating’ because being a girlfriend was numbing and made her feel trapped. Moreover, the two FWB relationships she tried since then burned her bad as well (ie: she ended up falling for the guys ), and she is wary about anything resembling romance. Women be complicated.

I’m trying to wrap my head around that one. “I don’t want a relationship, because being a girlfriend is numbing, so I tried being in two different friends-with-benefits scenarios, but I fell for the guys and they didn’t want relationships with me, therefore I don’t want a relationship.”

For the next couple weeks, I kept getting strong vibes that this girl wants *some* sort of relationship with me, but because of the above conversation, I didn’t bring it up. One night we both were at a drunken rager of a party with the other summer interns. She and I – as usual – were the hardest dancing pair in the group. One thing leads to another, and suddenly we were making out in one of the side rooms of the apartment. We stumbled back to her place (nearby) and have wild, drunken sex until we pass out.

The next day, she didn’t remember anything. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU. When I reflect on it in the cold light of sobriety, her story makes a great deal of sense. A couple of times during the night, she asked “Where are we?” after we had made it back her apartment and in general seemed confused unrelated to sex. But I didn’t take the time to connect the dots myself, considering I was fucked up myself.

When I told her the full story, she took okay (“I’m glad it was with you” ) but she definitely felt shitty about it. As did I. Now, I am wondering what the fuck I should have done here?!

Ummm… drank less?

Had I already blown any chance I had with this girl by being too inebriated to notice that she was totally out of it?

The rest of the summer I tried to play it off and not press anything, hoping things would repair themselves with time and ‘something would happen’. As you might expect, that didn’t work out. So, maybe I got played, but I thought you could lay some wisdom on me.
~What Would Rex Ryan Do

That’s the trouble with booze. Too little and your inhibitions aren’t lowered enough to make those fun decisions. Too much and your impulses work on autopilot even after your cognition has been powered down to zero. In general, I’m all for a drunken romp, especially when the alcohol serves as the tipping point for a hookup that’s been waiting to happen anyway. But blackout sex… yikes. Not exactly the winning start to a relationship that you might like.

That said, keeping your distance — though certainly respectful — probably wasn’t the best follow-up move. Best to face up to it and use the momentum of your fuck-up to your own advantage. Judo date! “Hey, I think it’s only fair that you remember how amazing I am in bed. Can I take you to dinner on Friday?”

However, since the summer’s long gone, just enjoy the fact that you dodged that particular ball of crazy.

**********

Hey Captain,
I figured I would give you an update on the last couple questions my girlfriend and I had submitted since I enjoy follow ups when I read the mailbag.  I was the guy stuck with the not so fun family trip to Vegas during March Madness. Lucky for me, the trip was moved and I was able to enjoy March Madness at home and go to Vegas during the summer.  My girlfriend was the impatient girl who wanted to get engaged, but her lame ass boyfriend kept coming up with excuses. Well, actually that was me misleading her so I could propose to her on our vacation at Disneyworld, on main street during the Christmas party with the fake snow falling. Although, she was a little freaked out that I was able to lie to here so convincingly about not wanting marriage.  She said yes and all is well. (And Epcot wasnt as gay as you led me to believe; great food.)

I mean, Disney World as a whole is kind of weird and off-putting for me. But if you like it, more power to ya.

Anyways now comes the wedding planning and much like you have found the amount of money needed to spend is ridiculous.  The idea of a destination wedding is nice because weddings appear to be cheaper (less people go) and nicer when compared locally here in Arizona.  Disneyworld is surprisingly affordable for a small ceremony and gives a nice symmetry to the engagement.

However, due to some recent family drama with her parents and the rest of her relatives, that seems to be nixed.  Her parents have said they will not go to Florida (where the rest of her family lives) if we have a wedding there, which I call bullshit since no parents would miss their only daughter’s wedding due to spite for other relatives. I cannot get excited for anywhere else but Disneyworld because that is what she has dreamed about getting married since she was six. My advice was to let emotions calm and wait a few weeks to get them to bury the hatchet with their family and come to their daughter’s dream wedding (which they are not paying for!).  My fiancee says that this isn’t how her family works and this grudge could be bottled and held onto for years.  My personality says to not avoid the conflict, call their bluff, and let all parties involved that this needs to stop.  But I am sure there are much better ways to handle this?
Sincerely,
A frustrated groom

1. Your wedding is YOUR wedding. Not your mother’s wedding, not your in-laws’, not Aunt Edna’s. YOURS. This trumps all other rules of wedding planning. It’s about you and your bride. It should reflect your tastes and represent who you are as a couple. Personally, I’d rather be chased through the desert by wild dogs than get married in Orlando — and that’s why I’m not. It’s not my place to judge what wedding venues are wrong or right; all that matters is that it’s right for you. If your bride has dreamed about getting married at Disney World since she was six, then you guys should get married at Disney World. Simple as that.

2. If her parents aren’t paying, they don’t get to call the shots. With respect to point #1, money talks. If her mom and dad chip in several thousand dollars, why yes, they DO get to invite their friends from down the street that you’ve never met. If they’re paying the bills, they get some input. If not, see #1.

3. People will behave how you let them behave. This is where things get tricky. I’ve seen a lot of wedding-related family drama in my life. My dad is estranged from his parents. My sister made concessions at her wedding that set the table for unacceptable behavior from her in-laws for years to come (behavior that’s still going on a decade later). This is a precarious scenario for you: you will, presumably, be spending holidays with these people for the rest of your life. They will be grandparents to your children. You can’t simply tell them to pound sand, but you can’t bend to their will, either.

If it were me — and thank God it’s not — I’d find my biggest pair of big-boy pants and talk to the future in-laws about your fiancee and what she means to you. She’s dreamed about a particular wedding since she was six, you’re determined to give it to her, and you expect them to attend because their daughter hopes that she’s more important to them than whatever family feud they’re occupied with, because she expects them to be a part of your life together. I’d even try to squeeze in a joke to lighten the mood: “We intend to use you for free baby-sitting when we have kids, and that’s not going to happen if you skip our wedding.” If you let them dictate the details of your wedding, they’re going to dictate a great many more aspects of your life. Trust me: I understand how these quiet, confrontation-averse, grudge-holding families work, because that’s my dad’s entire branch of the genealogical tree (except my dad). They’re gonna be a pain in the ass and unhappy either way, so you might as well live your life on your terms.

Oh, and one more thing: would having the wedding at Disneyland in California solve all your problems? If so, do that.