Hi folks. I’m sick as hell this week, so the answers will be a bit more abrupt than usual. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a side effect of not being able to breathe through my nose, all of my muscles hurting, and my head feeling like it weighs 30 pounds. Let’s just guzzle some more Emergen-C and power through this.

Captain Caveman,
I recently started working with what I presume to be my dream girl. We went to a happy hour and hit it off. I asked her out to dinner, and we had a great time. When I was dropping her off in front of her door and about to make a move, her brother came down and kind of dispelled any chance I had for the night. I guess the problem started when I was moved right next to her in the office.

Wait, why was her brother there when you dropped her off? Does she still live at home? Was her brother visiting? Does he live with her? And why is the thing about the office part of this paragraph? What’s happening? Did my fever write your email?

We were constantly together all the time, it was kind of like being forced into a serious relationship by the office. During our date, we made plans to go out on another, so I asked her out again. Not sure what happened, but it eventually came down to her telling me, “Because we sit so close to each other it might ruin our work environment (or some shit like that). What I got from it? It’s not gonna work out. And I totally took the steps necessary to blow her off. Problem is, she asked me when we were going to go out on the date that I had mentioned before. Whatever.

I went out with her, and again, we hit it off.

She told you nothing was going to happen because you work next to each other, then she asked when you were going out again? I need more aspirin.

I believe that I am about to get friend-zoned, which tell you the truth, I have no use for. Once you’re in the friend-zone, you are just an emotional crutch until the girl has a boyfriend. I have enough girl friends that will blow me off once they get boyfriends so I don’t really see the point in actually trying to feign a friendship with a girl that I have romantic feelings for.

I guess my questions are: Should I cut my losses and avoid this girl?

Yes.

Should I pursue her anyway?

No.

Should I try the friend route and see what happens?

That’s a stupid question and you know it.

I am serious when I say that she is my dream girl. That is probably the only reason I am wrestling with these feelings. Bitches be actin cray.
Thanks,
Ball So Hard University Grad.

Dream girl, huh? Is “flighty nitwit” part of your feminine ideal? If you want her so bad, the best thing you can do is blow her off. Don’t initiate any contact with her, and repeatedly tell her that you’re “just really busy right now” when she tries to talk to you. This will make her feel unwanted, which will make her want to win you back. By the time that happens, you’ll have the choice of blowing her off for good or breaking past that mysterious guard-brother she has at home.

If all of this sounds like a dick-ish head game to play, well, yeah, it kind of is. But she initiated this nonsense with her mixed messages, so to hell with her. This is how people who aren’t genuine deserve to be treated.

(Oh, also: don’t sleep with co-workers.)

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Dear Mr. Caveman,
I know that it is a horrible idea to date someone that you work with, but my situation is kind of wacky and I would greatly appreciate your advice.

I am currently working for an Americorps program that is stationed in the woods of Central New England. My 28 fellow interns and I will be living in a state park for the next 10 months where we will be teaching in the local school system for 5 months and rebuilding trails for the other 5.

That sounds pretty cool.  Plus, it hits the Trifecta of Evil according to staunch Republicans: education, conservation, and a government-funded program.

/PolFlaWa

We will be doing everything from eating, to cleaning, to creating lesson plans together. These people will basically be my family for the next year. Our cabins are heated by wood burning stoves and don’t have running water or electric lights. However, the dining/community living area is heated with a furnace and has electricity and running water. The male to female ratio is approximately 1:1 and there are no rules against hooking up with each other.

That’s gonna be a long fucking winter, but it otherwise sounds pleasantly rugged, so long as there aren’t too many assholes.

I’m not sure if I lucked out or what, but I expected the female population at this camp to consist of ugly lesbians, unshaven hippies, and other unkempt women. However, when I arrived I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a beautiful, tall, skinny, blonde girl who is also smart and on the same page about most things as me.

What should I do? This is basically it for my relationship pool at the moment. However, I’m going to be living in extremely close quarters with these folks for the next 10 months and people are bound to get jealous/angry/annoyed with one another. I don’t know if I want to complicate that even more by adding any sort of physical relationship to that equation.

You’re young and idealistic and horny. The first time booze and weed get passed around, people are gonna end up fucking. Might as well be you and the hot blonde girl.

Also, if I end up trying to get closer with this girl, all of my flirting experience has been with texting.

Holy shit, you’re one of the young people that Louis C.K. is always talking about in his act!

I mean, it has to be said that Americorps is way better than being a barista, but still: put the phone away and LOOK at people more often. That goes for everybody reading this. (And yeah, for me too.)

This isn’t really that big of a deal but it’s definitely a road block to my final destination (depending on what I decide to do).

Thanks for your help.
— It’s Cold Out Here

I wouldn’t rush into anything, but I wouldn’t write anything off, either. Just enjoy making friends and doing good work. If you happen to get laid and/or fall in love and/or get your heart ripped out, well, that’s life and these things happen. Enjoy everything to the fullest, even your mistakes.

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Dear Sage of the Internet,
Football: I have to choose a keeper for next year. I’m undecided between Forte and Megatron. I’m a hopeless homer and will probably keep Forte but any advice you have would be appreciated. Finished 5th for 3 years in a row. It’s like I’m one of the not-so ugly chicks at the bar at closing time.

Forte was incredible this year up until his injury (especially if you had a PPR league) — and that’s precisely why I’d go with Calvin Johnson. Your choices are a great fantasy back with some injuries and an inconsistent streak, or the no-doubt #1 fantasy receiver in the game who never gets hurt because he’s bigger than everyone trying to tackle him and who still catches touchdown passes even when his quarterback gets hurt.

Sex/Advice:
If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to give some advice of my own. I’m in the Navy (yeah, effin’ squid) and I spent a lot of time away from home. I was married to wonderful woman for over ten years. She put up with the military life because she loved me, I loved her and we have three beautiful children that are the reason I have for living. I never noticed how much I didn’t do. If that makes sense. She did everything, worked, bills, kids, house, pets. She took care of all of it while I was away and I got used to it. I wouldn’t do squat around the house when I was home because I figured she would take care of it. I never strayed, nobody ever measured up to her. But I did take her for granted. She did ask me to do more around the house when I was home, asked me to help with the shopping and whatnot but I was too busy or too lazy.

She left me. Not for another guy, not because she hates me. But because I didn’t do anything to make her life easier. There is nothing I regret more than not telling her how much I appreciate her, how much she means to me, how much having her in my life makes me happy. You’ve said many times that you can’t make somebody love you. But you can make someone fall out of love with you. If you’re reading this and are lucky enough to have someone you love in your life, please take twenty minutes out of your week and let them know it. Do the friggin’ dishes now and then. I know it’s not the end of the world for me, sure does feel like it though. My kids are number one, I’ll always have them. I know I’ll move on eventually, but I know I will never find someone like her again. Life doesn’t let you get that lucky. Get off the computer and give your significant other a hug, right now. Tell that person how much they mean to you. Hold them like you never want to let them go.
– Heart torn like an ACL.

That was super-depressing, but thank you. You make a very good point.

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Cap’n-
Girlfriend broke up with me somewhat unexpectedly. She’s going through a lot (insane grad program and sick family member), and said she feels guilty, like there’s no room or emotion left for a relationship. We are very much in love, and she swears this was the only reason for the breakup. For what it’s worth, I believe her. She said she still wants to talk, and while normally in a breakup that’s a terrible idea, I want to see her, talk to her, and be there for her. I know this makes it sound like we’ll get back together, but I don’t want to get wrapped up in that line of thinking. How should I handle this? I’m thinking the “keep my distance, take care of myself, but be available for her” is the play, but welcome dissenting opinions.

No, fuck that. Keep your distance and take care of yourself, that’s it. Tie that “be available for her” caveat to a cement block and drop it into the nearest body of water that can be seen from space.

Relationships do NOT work that way. You don’t love someone and share their bed and get emotionally attached to them, then say, “I don’t have room for you in my life, except for conversations where you offer me emotional support.” I don’t care how busy your life is or which family member’s on life support: it’s a selfish thing to ask.

When a girl breaks up with a guy, she wants to “stay friends” for at least one or both of these reasons:

  1. It keeps you close and emotionally involved. This pays off in attention, which makes her feel desirable and wanted. It’s also a nice fail-safe in case she changes her mind and wants you again — she can always turn to what’s on the back burner.
  2. It makes her feel better about herself. When a relationship ends, everyone’s feelings get hurt. Sure, the rejection of getting dumped is the worse side to be on, but the dump-er feels guilt for hurting someone’s feelings. If you stay friends, then she doesn’t have to face the pain she caused you! HOORAY! She doesn’t have to feel guilty!

This is your dissenting opinion: she can have your full love and support through her difficult time, or she can have none of it. Do NOT be her emotional crutch — she’ll only discard you when she can walk again.

Fantasy: Uh, not really my main focus here (scary that I view this site as therapy first, football second), but what are your views on fantasy during the playoffs? I’m in a league for the first time this year, and after winning my regular season league, my horrible showing is tarnishing my glory.
-Bannister Jones

I’m not enamored with those playoff fantasy challenges, but I suppose they’re a decent form of methadone if you’re jonesing hard enough. And don’t sweat losing ‘em — there’s no tarnishing a league championship. That’s yours to enjoy the rest of your life.

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Dear Caveman,
Fantasy: My crappy team was completely torpedoed by Purple Jesus’s ankle injury. For next year, any good ideas for late round sleeper picks? Think Daniel Thomas will break out?

I liked what I saw from Thomas when he was healthy and playing, but I’m troubled by two things: (1) new coach, and (2) the emergence, finally, of Reggie Bush. Now, I’m not so foolish to think that Bush will stay healthy for a full season, but until we see how training camps go, I’d think of Thomas as more of a handcuff than a sleeper.

As for other sleepers, I’m tired and sick and don’t feel like looking up names and crunching numbers. Ask me again in August.

Sex: I casually dated my roommate for roughly three months. We started as friends, and drunkenly hooked up.

Oh, savvy move! I bet this story turns out great with everyone really happy!

We live a large house with 6 other people. We were exclusive, spent tons of time together but we never really defined the relationship because she was coming off a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow for a while. She never pushed to make it official but I could tell that she was way more into the relationship then I and I didn’t see a long term future so I broke it off. We had a couple other minor problems but that comes with dating someone. She felt the split was premature and that I could maybe feel differently with more time. Isn’t liking someone the one thing in a relationship that you shouldn’t have to work on?

I have a hard time arguing against that.

Is my reason for breaking up with her legitimate? I feel it is but I have never really broken up with anyone before. This question sounds stupid to me but she isn’t really accepting it as a legitimate reason.

Here’s you a couple seconds ago: “I didn’t see a long term future.” I’ve always been of the mindset that as soon as you know you definitely don’t want to marry a girl you’re dating, you break up with her. Unless she was, like, crazy hot in bed. Then the bad news could wait a little bit.

Secondly, she is really broken up about it. Any tips for being the good friend of someone that you just broke up with?

Yes. Don’t live in the same house that she lives in.

Is there any way to “be there” for someone you just dumped?

No. You “being there” for her is just going to be her crying while she asks you the same questions (“But WHY?”) over and over again until you either storm out or give up and fuck her, thus compounding all the problems you’re dealing with at the moment.

Any chance I can ever date anyone else as long as I live with her?
Thanks,
-Keeping it in house

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sure, as long as the new girl never sets foot in your house. No problem at all.

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El Capitan,
Fantasy: Because everyone (no one) cares about leagues other than their own. I won the Super Bowl in one league, finished out of the money in another. Hey thanks a lot DeSean Jackson for such a fine contract year performance, and a special thank you to a buggy live auction site that didn’t acknowledge my +1 bid on Calvin Johnson with 5 seconds left on the timer and let him go to the eventual league winner at $15 below expected price.

“I have no question.”

Sex: I have a wedding question that, considering your upcoming nuptials, might be of interest. A cousin of mine is getting married this summer and my wife and I will be invited to the wedding. We live 500 miles away and have two grade school aged children. I recently received an e-mail stating that the bride and groom have decided to make the ceremony and reception adults and high school aged children only. The parents of the groom have offered to have our kids stay at their house with a babysitter. Etiquette-wise this is all well and good but my question is whether I should now graciously decline the invitation.

The wife and I would be taking a day off work, the boys would both miss a little league game, and we would be driving 12 hours for the wedding only to leave the kids with a babysitter we don’t know in order to go to the ceremony and reception. Now obviously the wedding is all about the bride and groom and making their day special

Correct. Let’s remember that as we move forward.

and I would not presume to ask that they make exceptions for our kids. However, I’m not sure that we can, in good conscience, take the boys on a long drive and then tell them to stay with a stranger for 6 hours while we go to party town.

We have a very good relationship with this side of the family and though they would be disappointed, I’m pretty sure they would understand and there would be no lingering hard feelings. That being said I’m a little pissed off about this “no children” development. I was never a kid friendly person but always managed to put on a happy face and made nice in family get-togethers where kids were sure to be around. I’m thinking they are being a bit selfish and not considering the practical situations of many relatives that will be put in a similar spot.
-My kids are awesome, yours suck.

Hell yeah they’re being selfish. It’s their wedding. They’re entitled to do it however they want, and if you don’t like it, then you just stay home and be offended that they didn’t consider what’s practical for you. But I’ll tell you one thing: I bet that wedding’s going to kick ass, and people are going to have a great time whether or not you’re there. No one’s gonna be like, “Oh no, MKAAYS and his wife couldn’t make it because it was a hassle for them. If ONLY the bride and groom hadn’t made this wedding so awesome by not allowing any children!”

Your kids are probably great, but let’s get the prevailing opinion out in the open: fuck your stupid kids. Kids are shitty wedding guests. They’re prone to squirming and talking during the ceremony. They’re terrible at dancing. They pick at the food and whine that they want pizza. They don’t drink, but they cost full price toward the head count. Every child at a wedding represents an ACTUAL, MEANINGFUL FRIEND of the bride and groom who wasn’t invited. So, speaking on behalf of the couple getting married, fuck you for thinking your kids somehow have priority over your cousin’s lifelong friends..

Did you ever consider that a wedding without children would be more enjoyable for everyone there — including you? Maybe your cousin wants to be able to dance the night away with you and your wife without one of you disappearing early to tuck the kids into bed. Maybe you can call in a favor to your wife’s parents and have them watch the kids while you enjoy a fun weekend with your wife. Maybe you could graciously accept the six hours of free babysitting instead of bitching about it. Maybe fuck yourself.

Whatever the case, as you said, it’s all about making the bride and groom’s day special, and your kids aren’t part of that.