This week’s Meast and Least non sequitur is this video of Gary Busey on “Wife Swap,” via my old stomping ground of Warming Glow. You must watch it. Gary Busey doing anything is equal parts terrifying and immensely watchable, but in this case he’s interacting with Ted Haggard’s wife. This is a woman who stayed with her husband after it turned out Ted was using meth and soliciting gay prostitutes, and yet she’s STILL out of her element. NO ONE can keep up with Gary Busey, except maybe Nick Nolte on ketamine armed with a sack of raccoons.
Okay, good times. Let’s talk about the Week 17 Meast and Least, shall we?
There were plenty of meastly performances in on the last day of the regular season. Matts Flynn and Stafford combined for 1000 yards and 11 touchdowns through the air, and Jordy Nelson and Calvin Johnson had correspondingly ridiculous numbers. Ray Rice ran for 191 yards and 2 TDs, Brees had almost 400 yards and five TDs in a little more than three quarters of work; Michael Turner has 172 yards and two scores; Larry Fitzgerald had a monster game against the Seahawks, Victor Cruz continued his non-All Pro, 1300-yard season with six catches for 178 yards and a score, and MJD locked up a rushing title in a year when the Jaguars had no passing game whatsoever.
Bravo to all, but our Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week is Jared Allen.
Allen registered 3.5 sacks against the Bears to give him 22 for a season, half a sack behind Michael Strahan’s NFL record of 22.5. That means Allen now holds the season record for sacks without stats being padded by Brett Favre rolling into the fetal position being a bitch. Normally we don’t give the Meast to a player whose team lost, but our Favre hatred runs deep. Congrats, Jared. May you enjoy a long offseason of dipping Copenhagen and bow-hunting exotic game.
We had no shortage of Least candidates, as well. The Rams’ general incompetence should be noted, as their season-long, team-wide shittiness included an uncontested touchdown pass by the opposing kicker and an interception on a third down halfback toss that led to a short field and a touchdown for the Niners (the Rams lost by seven). Terrence Newman deserves a nod for the Cowboys’ loss, and Tim Tebow sucked bronco cock while putting up a 20.6 QB rating and leading his team to points in a loss at home with the division title on the line. And yet he still goes to the playoffs. Fuck this world.
But there can be only one Least:
Congratulations, Mark Sanchez! Your exquisitely shitty play was the capstone of the Jets’ implosion! Even the most mildly competent quarterback — say, Matt Moore — would have taken the Jets to the postseason. Well done, sir. We salute you.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.