Our old comrade Punte posted a fun slideshow over at his new home. David Frei, a former NFL PR man and current god of the Westminster Dog Show, compared several of this weekend’s championship game participants to breeds that will be on display the week after the Super Bowl. Some, like Victor Cruz as a Whippet (lithe and athletic) and Wes Welker as a Brittany spaniel (white-bread), were dead on, while some miss the mark entirely. The most questionable comparison was easily Eli Manning as a Border Collie. Come on, Mr. Frei. You just compared this guy to one of the smartest and most reliable breeds to ever exist. That’s bullsh*t. We could get better analysis than that from Buck Laughlin.
If Elisha is anything he’s a Cocker spaniel. I once knew a Cocker who would piss all over the floor every time somebody walked in the front door. That’s the quarterback I know. He looks pretty good from a distance, he’s not likely to bite your hand off, and he’s the product of questionable breeding practices. Just look at that dopey bastard. You can hardly even tell Flubby manipulated the image.
Speaking of dogs, the Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is this £250,000 canine condo fit for a Super Bowl champion. It’s probably nicer than your apartment, and it even has a retina scanner to keep your poor dog on the outside looking in. Ugh.
Last week: 3-1
On to the picks…
Baltimore +9 at New England
Here I am again, forced to root for either the Ravens (not an option) and the fahkin Pats. I don’t know why, but I always seem to find myself rooting for New England this time of year. It makes me sick, but I never feel like I have much of a choice. Whether they’re up against the Tim Tebow media express, Peyton Manning’s Colts, or the godforsaken Ravens, the answer is always clear. Go with Belichick.
Pats win, but the Ravens cover. And everyone can thank Bodog for tacking a couple of extra points on to the line.
Fuck the playoffs.
New York Giants at San Francisco -3
It may not be the best cover of N-words in Paris, but this version titled “Niners In Paris” by Ashkon (the Ashton Kutcher and Akon we’ve all been waiting for) really isn’t terrible. Plus they got rid of the n-word, which makes telling people about the song much less awkward.
I like the Niners by two scores. Their secondary should be able to limit big plays, and if somebody does get free over the middle Donte Whitner will probably kill him before he can score.
So if I’m right we’re heading for a Patriots and 49ers Super Bowl. That’s right, a full week of stories about Tom Brady’s Bay Area upbringing. Did you know he grew up a 49ers fan in San Mateo? He used to swim to and from the games. True story.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.