Sir, do we get to win this time? .

I had a TA in college who was obsessed with Rambo: First Blood Part II the way Bill Simmons obsesses over every other Sylvester Stallone movie. I had to write a paper about this piece of crap, which, if memory serves, was awful. Needless to say, the movie (and my paper) would have been ten times better if it was two hours of Eli Manning making his stink face at confused Vietnamese people.

Your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is the stuffed panda chair designed by Fernando and Humberto Campana. I know a lot of morons look at works of modern art and piss all over them by saying their five year old could do the same thing. I truly feel that way about this chair. If you’re going to charge $85,000, I demand a chair made out of an actual giant panda. So cuddly. So endangered.

Playoffs: 2-2
Regular season: No longer relevant.

Now that the Bengals and Lions are back home, the real playoffs are ready to begin. On to the picks!

New Orleans at San Francisco +4

 

 

What a badass way to start off the weekend. Homer knows what’s up. Have all of your snacks in position before 4 pm and just go to town for eight hours. I’m rooting for the Saints, but giving serious consideration to placing a bet on the 49ers anyway. I haven’t actually placed a football bet this year, which is definitely for the best. I’m terrible at this.

Denver at New England -13.5

Instead of doing another post dedicated to Tim Tebow, I’ll just include all of the latest news right here in bullet point format. I call it, the KSK Kristian Kuarterback Klearinghouse.

• Unbeknownst to me, ESPN has been conducting a monthly poll over the last 18 years to determine America’s favorite athlete. In that time only 11 people have ever finished number one. December’s winner was Tim Tebow, having brought in 45 of the 1502 votes. Kobe Bryant finished second. So yes, Tim Tebow is slightly more popular than a likely rapist. I’ll take Kobe, thanks.

• According to a magazine for people who think US Weekly uses too many big words, Katy Perry’s evangelical parents want to see her settle down with Tebow, or something. I don’t fucking know, but everybody seems happy to run with it. KATY PERRY TOPLESS BOOB JIGGLE TIM TEBOW CIRCUMCISED PENIS.

• Adam Schefter wrote a whole thing about Tebow and 3:16. Not just his 316 passing yards, but even dumber shit like this, “The Steelers finished the game with a time of possession of 31:06.” If I know my New Testament, John 31:06 says, “Thou who doth see Adam Schefter shall cast a stone in the direction of his genitals.”

• In other polling news, 43% of those polled who were aware of Tim Tebow’s run of success believe that Divine Intervention has played a role. Those same 43% of people don’t believe in evolution because they’ve never seen a monkey give birth to a human baby.

• As for the reason we’re here, the game’s two-touchdown point spread, Tebow had this to say. “The cool thing about that is maybe a bunch of people will win some money betting on our side.” First they ease up on the whole usury thing, now they’re advocating gambling. It’s a slippery slope, Christians. Soon enough you’ll be using sodomy as a form of birth control.

Ugh, this Broncos season can’t end soon enough. As for actual notes that may be of interest, the week 15 meeting between these two teams generated over $1 billion in wagers (the legal kind, I presume) according to RJ of Pregame.com. Only half of that total came from Floyd Mayweather.

Houston +9 at Baltimore

A Maryland middle school student was told that he had to take off his Ball So Hard University sweatshirt because an assistant principal who last had sex in 1972 thought it sent “mixed messages.”

 

 

New York at Green Bay -9

Most places seem to have the line set at 7.5, but Bodog has it all the way up at nine. So yeah, it might make sense to take them up on the +9, but I’m not falling into the trap. The Packers are the pick to win big, then Eli can get started on his offseason plans.

 

 

Simpsons gifs via Mmm… The Simpsons.

Top image via Traina.