Tebow: …and thank You God, for all the wonderful support You’ve given me through these challenging times. I praise You for the loving and talented teammates with whom I share in this great experience. I thank You for the fans, who have always had our back. And I worship You for this lovely meal, for which we are about to partake.
Mama Tebow: More pot roast, son?
Tebow: Please, mother. It’s simply divine. OOP! I suppose that’s a bit presumptuous. Let’s just say it’s fantastic, and I Thank God every day that you chose not to abort me so that I may may sit with you now and eat this blessed animal that gave its life in order to sustain us.
Mama Tebow: I’m proud of you, son. You’re so humble!
Tebow: Well now, let’s not go touting our humility. The good book says, “The humble man speaketh not of humility, but acteth WITH humility.” I think we can all live by that example. I think, if I play hard enough and give all the credit in the world to Jesus, that people will see a different path. That they’ll forsake arrogance and embrace a loving and caring…
(door flies open)
Tommy: FACK YOUUUUUUU! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ MOUNTAIN TWAT!
(puts on gold chain with second, heavier gold chain dangling from it)
Mama Tebow: My goodness, who is this horrible man?
Tommy: “Ooooh loogit me! I’m Timmy Tebow and I love Jesus!” If you love him so much, GET A FACKIN’ ROOM, JESUS FAG!
(dips like Elway)
Tebow: You poor man. I will pray for you right now, this instant. Mother, take my hand. We should ask Jesus to…
Tommy: FACK YOUR-AH JESUS! You and I both know there-ah is only one Jesus, and that is BASKETBALL JESUS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Basketball Jesus is the only Jesus worth praying to! I pray to him every fackin’ night! I say to him, “Dearest Basketball Jesus, give me the strength I need to cut through this bike lawk and steal this faggot Trek bicycle from a BU student!” And Larry fackin’ Bird DELIVERED on that pray-ahhhh! Let’s see your-ah hummus-eatin’ hippie Jesus do THAT! THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF CHRISTIANITY IS P.O.D.!
(blasts “Youth of the Nation”)
Tebow: Jesus answers our prayers all the time. He gives us life! He gives us hope! He gives us strength when we are at our weakest!
Tommy: WELL LA DI FACKIN’ DA. FACK YOU WITH A CHURCH BELL. Your Gawd doesn’t do JACK SHIT?! Where was Gawd when the Red Sawx needed leadahship! Where was Gawd to slap the dahkie food out of Jawsh Beckett’s hand? Where was Gawd when ow-ah beloved C’s needed to trade fahhh Chris Pawl?! DOES ANYONE SERIOUSLY THINK THE CELTICS WERE-AH NAWT THE BIGGEST VICTIMS OF THAT TRADE? STAWP. JUST STAWP. Bucky fackin’ Dent! Explain BFD to me!
(brags about his own word count)
Tebow: If I may, it sounds as if what you’re experiencing is a crisis of faith. You need to know that God can’t prevent bad things from happening, but that He can grant you the strength to ENDURE through those bad th…
Tommy: STAWP TALKING CHRIST-ESE! I am nawt some retahhhhded Filipino that you can convert in seven seconds just by lawpping off a few fahhhskins! I WORSHIP AT THE ALTAHHHHH OF GRIT! That’s how we do things in GRAWNK NATION. Did you see Grawnk last week? He plowed through defendahs like I plowed through Stacy McO’Reillygerald’s titties! He’s TOUGH! He’s HAHHHHD! He’s just like us! So you can have your-ah little Jesus! I don’t need him far-ah strength! Nawt when I can lift 316 ell bees on the preachah curls!!!!
NO CRUCIFIX NAILS CAN HOLD THESE GUNS DOWN!
Tebow: You’re trying to rattle me, with your loud voice and your grossly offensive statements. But I am not here to engage you. I LOVE YOU.
Tebow: I love you, and I will continue praying for you. And I wish your Patriots the best of luck this weekend. I will do my darndest to win the game, but I wish your team peace and happiness as well.
Tommy: Well, Timothy. I don’t wish you any of those things. I WISH YOU WAR-AHHH AND ANGAHH. I WISH GRAWNK HANGING SIX TDS ON YOU BECAUSE YOU AHHHH NAWT A REAL FOOTBALL STAHHHH! AND I WISH FOR-AH YOUR-AH MAWM IT GET A FAT CAWK IN HER ASS!
(casually dismisses any NFL coach who is not Belichick)
You think you’re so fackin’ special and magical, do you? With all your-ah gay little comebacks against SHIT opponents? Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them! The powahhh of Christ is no match for-ah the POWAHHHH OF THE LEGENDARY FANS OF SOHO HOUSE NATION. Think Gawd could have gawtten Vinatieri’s kick through the uprights in the Tuck Rule Game? FACK THAT SHIT. Only WE could do that. WE had faith on Adam. WE KNEW he would make that kick, becawse WE KNOW EVERYTHING. I remembah I turned to my dad aftah that kick and I said, “He did it!” And you know what my dad said to me? He said, “No, son. WE did it. Now let’s go take a shit awn that black guy’s truck.” THAT IS THE THUNDAHHHH THAT WILL RAIN DOWN ON YOU THIS SUNDAY!
Tebow: (starts silently praying)
Tommy: NO SILENT PRAYING! PRAY LIKE A MAN! JESUS WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE PUSSY-STAWMPING FORCE OF THE GRAWNK!
I want more like this!
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