Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. Thanks to everyone for writing in this week; with most fantasy leagues entering the playoffs this week, we had a flood of great letters, and I’m sorry to say there were some very good ones that I just couldn’t get to. Keep writing in!

Before we get going with your emails, I want to direct you to another font of forward-thinking relationship knowledge, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, a website written by Sheila Wrae Gregoire that’s dedicated to helping Christian women honor their wedding vows AND the Lord’s desires. Some choice excerpts collated by Afternoon Snooze Button:

  1. Is it okay for Christians to use sex toys? (Answer: No. “Most guys aren’t that big. And they can’t vibrate like that. Do you really want to get reliant on something your husband can never be for an orgasm?”)
  2. What’s a godly form of birth control? (Answer: the chart method. Keep a calendar, toss the condoms.)
  3. What should I do if my husband wants to be adventurous in bed? (Answer: New positions are okay, but be careful! This desire for adventure might be enabling his porn addiction!)
  4. What to do if I’m too loose to have sex? (Answer: Buy Kegel exercisers on Amazon. But be careful to make sure you don’t accidentally buy sex toys!)

All I ask is that you don’t abandon the KSK mailbag permanently after finding such wisdom. That lady better not start fielding questions about Tebow.

Ahoy-hoy Captain,
Football: No football question, but please accept this picture of Sophie Howard as an apology. Because tits are worth a lot more than my half-assed “I’m sorry”.

Not really my type, but I’m not one to say no to this sort of thing. As Aussie/Brit Sophies go, Sophie Howard doesn’t even crack the top three: I prefer Sophies Monk, Turner, and Reade (bonus NSFW action of Miss Monk here). Not that I’m scoffing at Miss Howard, who is perhaps done better justice in this gallery.

I know entirely too much about this subject for someone who has sex.

Sex: I’m 21 and one of your female readers.

/breaks off engagement

For the past year, I’ve been pen pals with a Marine serving in Iraq.

/wedding back on!

We exchanged a few letters, but now he’s back on base and we talk on a regular basis. Obviously there’s sexual tension, but we’re 2,000+ miles away from each other so we’ll worry about that later. A few days ago, eight of my letters were mailed back to me (they never made it overseas) because fuck the US Postal Service. When I told him about the letters, he asked me to send them to him, but I don’t know why.

Because he likes you, dummy.

They’re just me talking about my life, nothing too exciting. Basically, I’m wondering if these letters mean anything to him because I sent them while he was overseas (how much does a pen pal mean to a guy in Iraq?) and if I should feel like a bitch if I don’t send them. Here are my options: a. send him the letters b. don’t send the letters and risk coming off like a jackass c. send him the letters AND a scandalous picture.

Sincerely,
This Might Be Some Dear Abby Shit

Having been to Iraq, and having come back mentally intact largely because of a woman’s letters, I’ll try to approach this in the most delicate manner possible, because you’re 21 and young and don’t know any better. Here’s a story:

It’s the first week of April, 2003. East of the Tigris, south of Baghdad. After a ten-day “operational pause” in quiet farm country, we’ve resumed a breakneck pace to the capital. I’m still tired from a stressful, sleepless night on a blocking position in bad terrain north of Salman Pak that was supposed to result in a huge firefight with extra-national fighters from around the Middle East, but resulted in little more than warning shots to civilians in cars. On this day or the next, a little up the road, one of my best friends will be shot in the head by those foreign fighters that were supposed to be in Salman Pak but weren’t. It’s about 100 degrees, and I’m wearing a chemical protective suit, a flak jacket, and a helmet. The only colors are the tan of dust and the smoke-smudged gray of hot sky. As our column of vehicles wends east to the highway, then north to Baghdad, we pass a field of sheep, slaughtered by whichever band of death passed before us. The scent of rotting flesh is unmistakable. A few miles on, our tank company comes to a halt, pulling to opposite sides of the road in a herringbone pattern. To the north, in the distance: the thick black smoke of burning oil. In front of my tank, I see what looks like a gigantic pile of white feathers. Three or four feet high, maybe five feet in diameter. Feathers? And then the smell hits me: rank, sweet. Dead birds. Scores of them, massed in a pile near the highway by who knows. An OCD goat farmer, perhaps.

It is an unremarkable day at war.

That’s when mail call comes. The First Sergeant shows up with a letter from my girlfriend at the time. I knew her in college, and now she works as a waitress in New York City. Most of her letters are similar: a recounting of her most recent shifts, a yoga class she enjoyed, maybe a celebrity sighting. She misses me. And for the time that it takes me to read and re-read the letter, I’m not in Iraq, bullshit wartorn hot-as-fuck deadly Iraq. In the small, neat, all-caps writing of the woman I love is a ticket to freedom — instant transport to America. Home: where I shower every day, where I use a toilet, where I can drink cold water. My girlfriend doesn’t wear perfume, but there’s a lingering essence of her on the page, and I put my filthy nose to it and the smell of death is gone, because I’m not in Iraq. I’m with the woman who brings me home.

So yeah, send him the fucking letters.

***********

Hey Matt; Long Time Reader, First Time Commenter here,
Football: (Fantasy team is clicking as of late, so just football) How about your Seahawks? They’ve been picking it up and caught some breaks with Detroit and Chicago’s stumbles. Do you buy them as a wild card contender?

No. If they win the next two weeks (vs. STL, @CHI on a short week) AND upset the Niners at home in Week 16 to get to 8-7 AND still aren’t mathematically eliminated, I’ll allow myself a shred of hope. Until then, they’ve got a shit-awful secondary, their best wide receiver (Sidney Rice) is done for the season, they just lost fullback Michael Robinson, and lemme check — yup, Tarvaris Jackson is still the quarterback. Reminder: the Browns beat the ‘Hawks 6-3 after their bye week.

Relationships: I’ve been seeing this girl almost two years, and things are going very well. What isn’t going well is my roommate, who I have been close friends with since we met in college in DC six years ago. This is the third (separate) time we have lived together and we felt confident going into it because we’d been through the fire before and stayed friends.

Ever since we moved up to NYC, I feel like I’ve been changing a lot as person and our interests have diverged. On the other hand, he seems to have stayed very much the same and as we grow apart, he’s become more resentful of my relationship and more abrasive in general. He attributes the time we spend apart to me being with her, but that is not always the case and I’m not as inclined to hang out with him anymore because his attitude comes from a bad place.

First he didn’t want my girlfriend coming over on weeknights; that’s fine, he’s busy with law school. Then she couldn’t come on weekends because she “takes up too much of my social calendar” even though when we do hang out, I’m the one extending the invitation to him, like when I took him to a football game last month. Then she couldn’t sit in the common area because he got freaked out about being the “third wheel” (not like we sit there making out or anything but understandable). And now he doesn’t like it when on the few occasions she is in the apartment, we shut the door because he feels “left out” even though I did that to not be up in his face.

The point is, he and I are growing apart and I want to ease into that process amicably. I have no malice toward him and we’re stuck in a lease until next August. How do I wind down this friendship in a respectful way and move past the tension in the apartment?
Regards,
Caught in a Bad Bromance

Okay, if we want to delve into motives and feelings and that kind of horseshit, your roommate is acting out and being possessive because he feels he’s losing you. I suppose there’s a mature thing — perhaps a friendly gesture like you spending a weekend just with him — where you have a conversation that attempts to strike a balance between how much his friendship means to you and establishing some territory for you to have an adult relationship with a woman without him being a negative factor in it.

That’s the touchy-feely answer. The more succinct summation is that he’s acting like a cunty, jealous twat, and in a perfect world you’d say something like, “What the fuck’s your problem? Do you want to fuck me or something? Then stop acting like a high school bitch.”

**********

Dear Captain -
Fantasy first: Both my teams are headed for the playoffs (yay!) but my opponent in the first round has been talking a lot of smack about a trade I made right before the deadline. I traded Vick right after he broke his ribs (and hasn’t played since) for Alex Smith and Jonathan Stewart. Was that a good trade or is the taunting justified?

Who cares? Tell him that men who shit-talk about fantasy football do it because they have small penises. You heard it directly from the internet’s only sex/fantasy football expert.

Sex: Female reader here. My whole life I’ve been tall (6′) and never model skinny which has led to a lot of self-consciousness and lack of self-confidence, esp. since I’ve never dated anyone over 5’10”. I recently graduated from law school but given the recent economy have had to move back in with my parents in the midwest after living on my own in Boston, Paris and Washington, D.C. Problems with going out and drinking aside, it’s been difficult to meet guys and I’m lonely. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since 2005 and I’m starting to wonder if it’s me.

I’ve lost 30 lbs since I’ve been home so I’ve got my curves back (D/DD) and I’d like to know if there’s anything I should or shouldn’t do to attract guys and let them know I’m available.

Step 1: cleavage.

Growing up a daddy’s girl and with more guy friends than girls, I tend to revert to talking about sports when I meet new guys. I’ve been told that this can be intimidating but I truly enjoy sports. Both my fantasy teams made the playoffs ans until I find a real job I’m a hostess/server at a restaurant that has ESPN on 24/7 since they’re too cheap to do anything but basic cable. Should I hide my love for sports to stop driving guys off?
Thanks,
Frustrated Female

You’re in a tough spot, FF: you’re doubly intimidating. The fact that you’re both tall AND a sports fan means that you infringe on turf that men are accustomed to owning. Keep in mind that we men aren’t good at much. Sure, we squash bugs and cook meat and can sometimes fix things with hammers or duct tape, but for a lot of guys there’s real comfort/imagined manhood in knowing more about sports and being taller. Confidence can sometimes be hard to come by for a man, and it helps when you can literally look down at a woman.

Now don’t get me wrong: there are a lot of guys who like tall girls, and there are probably even more who like female sports fans (I’m certain you’ll have no shortage of suitors in KSK’s sports-loving, giantess-fetish comments section). But living with Mom and Dad in a smaller city definitely compounds the problem by shrinking your dating pool. Still, you are an intelligent woman with huge tits: I have confidence that someone in a ZIP code nearby wants to fuck you on the regular.

**********

Hey CC,
FFB: Standard non-PPR league. Beast Mode vs StL or

Beast Mode. What part of “eight straight games with a touchdown” and “Rams defense” and “Seattle at home” do you not understand?

Helu vs NE, Jermichael vs Oak or Tony G @Car, and pick 2 of 3 Colston @Ten, Welker @Wash or Crabtree @Ari. PLAYOFFS BABY.

Jermichael, Welker, and Crabtree. Fuck Jimmy Graham and his red zone targets robbing Colston of points.

Lovelife: How much can you realistically expect to see old friends who are now in long-term relationships? We’re talking nice girls that would be pretty good choices with whom to settle down, so there isn’t really any issue with the women. I’d expect to have significantly less contact with friends who are now regularly getting laid, but how little is too little?
Thanks,
BFDD

Welcome to life, pal. People get older and find mates and end up spending their Saturdays going to the Container Store and hanging curtains instead of tailgating with the bros and crushing a case Keystone Light. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just what happens.

It’s a reality with me: even before my then-girlfriend/now-fiancee moved in, I’d spend anywhere from 3-5 nights a week catching a drink with a friend or hanging out with my roommate to watch some TV. Now dude-time is more like twice a week: football Sundays and a night to be named later. And again, that’s not a bad thing. When I was younger, I loved hanging out with my other single friends and drinking in bars and meeting women and hopefully taking their clothes off (but if not, then spending quality time with friends). When you’re older, the choices are still the same: drink with buddies or get laid — except the deck is stacked in your  favor, and a lot of times you get to do both. Separately, mind you. But both on the same night.

Anyway, your question pales in comparison with what’s to come. Just wait ’til your friends have kids.

**********

Dear Princes of the Universe,
Not Football: You guys helped me out about four or five months ago with a relationship question (here), so I wanted to say thanks, and even though it didn’t last, I got four solid months of sex out of it, so it was a definite win. Here’s a hot redhead with big cans, as per custom.

Excuse me, sir, but this is NOT just some hot redhead with big cans. Her name is Cintia Dicker, which I can’t type without thinking, “Dicker? I hardly know her! But seriously, I would. Without even talking to her first. Not important.”

Anyhoo, Cintia’s a Brazilian supermodel of German descent, so you know what that means: SEXY NAZI GENES WITH A DASH OF LATINA SPICE. It’s entirely possible that her grandparents helped murder Jews, and that opens a whole web of possibilities that I can apply to fictional bedroom scenarios that will never happen between the two of us.

So please, people: don’t just send me “some hot chick” for the mailbag. Context matters.

Football: I have managed to salvage a 2-5 start in my 0.5 PPR league and come to a 7-6 record. If I win in week 14, I will be in third place going into the playoffs. Naturally, my workhorse, my rock in whom I trust, AP, is not a sure thing to play this week, and so I needed to shuffle a bit. Still have BEEFMOE and MJD at RB so I’m set there, but I need to fill one WR position and one WR/RB flex position.

I’d like your advice on who to start from this cast of lovable scamps and misfits: Stevie Johnson (@SD), Frank Gore (@Ari), Jordy Nelson (vs. Oak), Marques Colston (@Ten), V-Jax (vs. Buf), or Shonn Greene (vs. KC). My instinct is that I can’t trust V-Jax, nor Greene, and that Gore will be splitting touches with Hunter for the rest of the year; naturally, I’d like someone else’s input if only to put my mind to rest.
Thank you for the help, and congrats on the new job! -
(Formerly) Peen von Fritz

I’d rule out Gore because he’s slowing down and Arizona is actually pretty decent against fantasy RBs (8th fewest points allowed). A healthier Shonn Greene seems like a decent option against KC, but with .5 PPR I might be more inclined to start all wideouts: Stevie, Jordy, and Vincent Jackson. Leave that disappointment Colston on the bench.

***********

Captain,
Sexytime first: So, I work with this woman who we’ll call Christie. One night, after a company softball game, I drove her home and went in for a beer. Already somewhat sauced at this point, she moved in for a kiss and we went at it for a few minutes. No clothing came off, nothing was explicitly stated, and we did nothing more than kiss. Not even any light petting.

Next day, it’s like she thinks we’re in a relationship. When I tell her that it was a mistake, that it can’t happen again, and that we’re coworkers and this isn’t something that I’m prepared to deal with, she was crestfallen and would not let it go. Finally, she met some other dude and laid off, I started seeing someone, and all was well in the universe. Well, since then, she’s become my boss, and I’ve stopped dating the woman I was dating. I’ve have, however, become interested in Christie’s friend, who we’ll call Lindsay. Lindsey is an attorney, smart, funny, gorgeous, really fun to hang out with, and after getting up the nerve to ask her out, and her saying yes, Christie catches wind of it and calls Lindsey, and she’s apoplectic. Inconsolable. Can’t believe her friend would do such a thing. At this point, she drops any amount of information, some true, some likely not, and Lindsey cancels the date. Now, I live in a small ski resort town, which means the number of date-able females stands at approximately 5. Because everyone knows everyone, chances are good that regardless who I meet, they’ll know Christie and I will thus be prohibited from dating them.

First, I think it’s incredibly fucked up and the height of bad form for her to cock block me when A) we aren’t going to be a couple anyway, ever, and B) she’s got a fucking boyfriend. Now, I’m not supposed to know what I know, but I feel like I need (and have the right) to correct this bullshit with Christie so I can proceed to possibly date and have something good with Lindsey, but being that Christie is my sort-of boss (team lead on my project), I have to tread lightly. Any thoughts on how I can bring this up/talk this out?

Take that shit to HR. And DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH CO-WORKERS. I say this every goddamn week, people.

Fantasy: I’ve dominated my league from the word go, with the exception of two weeks of bye week hell. I am the number one seed, but Forte’s out 2-6 weeks with a knee and Eric Decker’s productivity has fallen off a cliff since Tebowmania took over in Denver. Any good sleepers for the coming weeks that I might be able to pick up off waivers? Barber’s already off the board and seemingly so is any real chance of me taking the title.
Any help you could give would be appreciated.
Magic Sam

It’s pretty slim pickin’s in my three leagues (all of which have at least 12 teams). The best available seems to be Doug Baldwin or maybe Thomas Jones. Ugh, Thomas Jones. Why didn’t HE have a season-ending knee injury in Week 2? I hate football.

**********

Dear somehow all-knowing ff/sex sports writer,

Let’s pop that balloon right now. Last week I told a reader to start Roy Helu over Shonn Greene. And that was sound advice through 56 minutes, because Helu had 100 yards and a touchdown compared to Greene’s 50-odd yards and a score. Then the Redskins turnover machine churned into action and Greene scored two TDs in the final four minutes. Sorry. I am NOT all-knowing.

Got engaged last week- how quickly does the engagement sex stop coming, and how do I make sure it doesn’t go away? We had eventually come to a low point in that area prior to the engagement. We’re coworkers, commuting, and living together, so its nice to have that spark again, and I’m hoping it stays.

Congratulations! The hot engagement sex lasts until the wedding planning starts. And while there’s always a nice aura of “Fuck yeah, this is gonna be my wife!,” things are never quite the same once you start having discussions about the guest list and fonts and paper stock and flower arrangements. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I’m in a bad place for playoffs here, my WR and my RB2 situation is very sticky. Got Gronk and Newton otherwise so things are good there, PPR league.

S. Holmes (Nacho is throwing), D. Branch (who knows if he’ll see the ball), P Garcon (vs Ravens, terrible matchup), D. Jackson (ugh) pick 3?

Oh God, who fucking knows? Orlovsky seems to have latched onto Garcon, but the Patriots’ sieve of a passing defense isn’t a great indicator of performance against the Ravens D. Branch and Holmes are both question marks, but I feel like they’ve been more consistent performers than Desean, who may be having the worst contract year for fantasy player that I can remember. It’s just depressing starting him every week. I’d rather get the satisfaction of benching him.

I have Foster at RB1…but Now I’m picking between BJGE and Kevin Smith. How terrible is that? I’m gonna put out a wire on barber but he will probably eat it come play time anyway.
Oooh! Ooh! I have Dexter McCluster, hes both a WR AND an RB!!
Thanks,
TheDerp

BJGE isn’t a terrible play. He might not get a ton of yards, but at least he’s getting touches in a high-powered offense that scores a lot.

Side note: last week was my first manager-decided loss of the year. As in, I could have won if I’d just started the right player. With Adrian Peterson out and nothing but scraps on the waiver wire, I had to choose between starting McCluster and Marcel Reece at my flex in a 0.5 PPR league. And I figured, “Hey, Reece is catching a lot of passes, the Raiders’ wideouts have had some injuries, and McCluster hasn’t scored a touchdown all season. May as well try to get some upside.” And then dickbag goes and scored on a freaking HAIL MARY. McCluster scored 12 more points than Reece, and I lost by six. Goddammit.

**********

Seasons Greetings CC,
SO, first year playing FF and after a dismal 3 and 6 start was able to eek my way to 7 and 6 and currently clinging to the 6th seed in my 12 team league largely thanks to Breesus and a lucky pick up in Beaf Moo. Last week of our season is now and I believe I win and I am in and that looks probable. Naturally I am completely second guessing everything and I lost Fred Davis at TE due to probable potheadedness.  My other TE is Greg Olsen (@ ATL) so I went and grabbed Tony Scheffler (@ Min)…Who would you go with here? Also questionable but may start Miles Austin (@NYG) or Boldin (@IND)? Finally, Barber (@Tebows) or Pierre Thomas (@ TEN)? This and my many losses thanks in part to Jamaal Charles bum knee.

Olsen, Boldin, Barber.

As far as sexy time, no specific personal situation other than to mention I asked for advice several years ago about getting out of the friend zone and have been with said lady every since, thanks Uff! Instead allow me to throw out this nugget for discussion; I read a lame-o article in Huff Post called, “Three Signs That You Are About To Cheat” last week not because I am about to cheat buy just out of morbid curiosity of what “the signs”might be and one of them included, “You masturbate to fantasies of other people you know more than you do with thoughts of your partner.” Now I love my partner lots and lots but that doesn’t mean I masturbate to her all the time?! That’s why we have actual sex so I don’t feel the need to masturbate to her. Isn’t masturbating for thinking about other people or whatever because, you know, it’s a fantasy? Surely, my lady has a place in ye ole spank bank but those who I have had, or can’t have, all have accounts there too and that’s alright, right? Doesn’t mean I am fixin’ to cheat.
Thanks man!
-Some Guy

To be fair, the section that you italicized was one factor of “You are on the internet trawling to meet other people.” And as much as I’m loath to give any credit to a click-mongering content farm like HuffPo, if you’re cruising Facebook or Craigslist or an online dating site for women WHILE you’re in a relationship, DUH: yes, that is a sign of infidelity.

However, regarding the specific issue of masturbation:

Sydney: Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girlfriend? You… that… wow, that is SICK! Oh my God, what is WRONG with you?
Peter: What’s wrong with that?
Sydney: Pedro, there is so much wrong… I don’t even know where to begin… That is sick, man!

I really think it’s only a problem if you prefer whacking it while thinking about your co-worker Janice to having actual sex with your girlfriend. So jerk freely to whatever sick fantasies you have, just make sure your lady’s still getting the lion’s share of your boners. Ah, romance.