For once, I’m opening the mailbag with a fantasy football topic. Commenter Upstate Underdog emailed with a terrifying prospect for Aaron Rodgers owners:

Do I start Rodgers this week? I’m sure I’m not the only person pulling their hair out over this. Do I start Fitzpatrick or roll the dice and hope SF beats Seattle therefore forcing Rodgers to play. If the Niners lose there’s a good chance Rodgers sits or only plays one or two quarters since GB will have secured the #1 seed. I hate fantasy football and really wish the SF/Seattle game was being played on Thursday night.

As a Seahawks fan who needs big games from both Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch to have any hope in the fantasy championship, all I have to say is, “GUHHHHHHHHHHHH.” I don’t even have a backup quarterback on my team any more. I am 100% screwed. If the world works the way it always does, the Seahawks will win this week, prompting Rodgers to play half a game so I lose the fantasy championship (one year after his Week 14 concussion knocked me out of the playoffs. What a jerk!). I’ll console myself by telling myself that at least the Seahawks can make the playoffs, then they’ll lose in Week 17. Heartbreak always goes to 11.

Let’s get to our questions:

Hi Matt,
FF: I don’t play fantasy football. I would, but past experience has shown that I’m inadequate in even consistently picking winners in a college football pick-em league. If I played fantasy football, I would surely fail to change my lineup every week and I’d probably still have someone like Philip Rivers starting every week. So I take this opportunity to ask you to share with us how your teams did FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW!

How to get your question into the mailbag: UNLOCKED. Here ya go:

  • MuffCunt Vaginapussy had a solid performance in the semifinals but lost because my opponent got huge outputs from Donald Brown and the Seahawks defense. Not exactly the players you expect to sink you. I’ve got a tough matchup in the third-place game this week.
  • Juggalo Baby Funeral, which I talked about above, won despite keeping Brett Celek (21.6 points) on the bench in favor of Brandon Pettigrew (4.9). I HATE YOU PETTIGREW. I will now face Christmas Ape’s heavily favored team in the championship game of the KSK Blogger League.

Sex: I live with my fiancee. Love it, she’s great, I’m very happy. The one thing I’m struggling with is we go grocery shopping together every week on either Saturday or Sunday. I would prefer she do this alone and I would agree to do any number of duties at home while she’s away in order to keep our place clean. I hate grocery shopping, and the fact that she prefers a nearby Fred Meyer is exacerbated by the fact that it is the holiday shopping season and parking/grocery aisles are overcrowded. I think that she likes us to do the activity together, and I haven’t come right out and asked her to do it alone. Any thoughts on a tactful way to do this? Thanks.
Tip-toeing In Tranquility (heehee, boobs)

Well, it’s too late to do anything about it this week, TIT. You can’t stand on the precipice of the holiday shopping rush and say, “Oh by the way you’re doin’ this shit alone.” You have to bite the bullet this one last time. After you survive holiday hell, then you can propose doing other chores in lieu of going grocery shopping with her. And the best way to do it is to just be direct. “Honey, I have a confession. I really don’t like grocery shopping, and I never told you until now because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings…” Et cetera. If you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with her, you’re going to have to be honest and upfront about shit that’s a lot more difficult to broach than Fred Meyer.

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Seasons Greetings to El Capitan,
Fantasy: I’m out of the playoffs and in the grossly unsatisfying consolation bracket. What’s the etiquette here in regards to picking up players off waivers? I picked up Felix Jones after Murray went on the IR and my buddy, who’s in the playoffs and wanted Felix, called this a “douchebag move.” Is it douchebaggy to continue to pick up players off waivers once your games have no relevance?

Fuck what your buddy says. You play to win whether you’re in the playoffs or consolation bracket or whatever else. Tell him to stop acting like a bleeding vagina.

Sex: I recently graduated college and am now going to grad school. I have become pretty good friends with a guy (Fred) in my program that used to date a girl (Betty) who I went to high school and college with. Before grad school, Fred and I knew each other only through her since she would come to our parties and bring Fred. He broke up with Betty before grad school (about 4 months ago, after dating for 3-4 years) and, according to him, they’re still friends, text frequently, etc. Fast forward to last night where I was at the bar with some friends, not Fred, and we see Betty there and she and her friends joined our group. Betty and I were talking a lot (more than I had ever spoken to her in my life) and mostly about Fred/grad school. Apparently I was saying the right things because she ended up asking if I wanted to go back to her apartment and drink more. I obliged and, long story short, ended up banging her/sleeping over. Now I don’t know what to do next. I’m really not interested in dating this girl and as far as I could tell she’s on the same page so that’s not really the issue. Do I tell Fred what happened? I feel guilty for doing his ex-girlfriend and I feel like telling him would release the guilt. Or do I just bury it and hope he never finds out? I have no idea how he’d react if I did tell him, if he’d get pissed or if he’d not care at all. I’m leaning towards not saying anything, but then if he does find out about it somehow, possibly from her, that could make the situation even worse. I swear this isn’t just a brag-post about how awesome I am for getting laid, if anything it’s how much of a douchebag I am for sexing a good friend’s ex-girlfriend. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.
-Douchebag Fantasy Owner/Ex-GF Fucker

This is a tough one. I think a lot of it depends on how close of a friend Fred is. Because he and Betty aren’t dating, you’re not strictly obligated to tell him. It’s your private life, you know?

At the same time, he DID date Betty for 3-4 years, and their breakup WAS relatively recent, and they ARE still in close contact, and she IS the reason you met Fred in the first place… All of that, to me, suggests that you should tell him, and sooner rather later. Better that he hear it from you than her (or from someone else). Just be upfront and somewhat nonchalant about it. “Hey man, I know you and Betty aren’t dating any more, but I thought you should know that I drunkenly hooked up with her last week. We were both wasted, and it’s not gonna happen again, but I thought you should know.”

Another thing to consider: Betty may have hooked up with you (at least in part) to hurt Fred. 63% of women are evil to the core. It’s science.

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Dear Dick Jokes,
FF: I finished just out of my fantasy playoffs, so this question concerns my keeper league. I am allowed to keep up to three players, and when it became obvious I was not making the playoffs, I started dealing for possible keepers. Keepers are kept in the round they are selected. So am I asking which of these (pick three) gives me the most value: Megatron (2nd round) Colston (5th round) Dez (4th round) Beanie (7th round) Mathews (5th round) or Aaron Hernandez (last round).

I am going to end up with a top 6 pick (out of 12) so I’m leaning towards keeping all three wideouts and selecting running backs in round 1 and round 3, but Beanie has pretty good value as a 7th rounder.

I think that could be a really good team, but if it were me, I’d keep Megatron, Beanie, and Hernandez. Jimmy Graham and Lance Moore have lessened Colston’s value this year, and the emergence of Laurent Robinson has done the same with Dez. While I still think Colston and Dez could be solid fantasy performers, I’d rather have those 4th and 5th rounders freed up to give me more flexibility in my decision-making come draft day.

Sex: I’ve been seeing this girl for a month. We get along very well, sex is good and I like her. She has also stated that she likes me. Things were going well and then this past Tuesday she abruptly freaks out. She was at a school play for one of her students and her ex-boyfriend was there. The reason she freaked is because she broke up with him (after a year) because she didn’t want a relationship and now she has decided to apply that logic to our relationship. She doesn’t want to be in a “relationship” but she wants to keep seeing me. Am I being an idiot with this? I really like this girl.

Her logic makes sense–she’s afraid to hurt me in the future by ending this abruptly so she doesn’t know if we should continue. I countered with this logic: we are having tons of fun now. Let’s keep having fun because I will regret it if we quit now instead of ending it later. Any advice you can throw my way would be much appreciated.
Thanks again,
Treading Water–sexy water

So she wants to keep fucking, but she doesn’t want a relationship? Write in again when you have a problem.

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Dear gentlemen perverts,
My team’s already fucked; time to start thinking about next season. Which keeper (cost) scenario seems best to you: Blount (rd 14), DeMarco Murray (rd 12), or Beef Moe (rd 7)? I feel like this is a personal preference kinda choice, but i trust your preferences for some reason.

All three of those guys are great values at those rounds. I’d keep Lynch, because I’m a homer and he’s carried fantasy my team since Matt Forte went down. Also because I’m a homer, I expect Lynch to have a great season next year, because he’s still young and Tom Cable has done wonders with the Seahawks O-line this season. Nevertheless, Blount and Murray are excellent values for double-digit rounds.

Sex: the girlfriend is NOT cool with porn. At all. She gets pissed if I leave KSK up and you just posted sexy friday (back when you still did that regularly). Is this acceptable girlfriend behavior and should i capitulate; or is this fightworthy?
Sincerely,
Wants to Beat the Meat

It’s not even fight-worthy. I’d toss that chick overboard. Fire her from a catapult over the horizon. Push her out of a moving car, whatever it takes to get out of that relationship.

Now, at its reductive worst, my position is morally indefensible: “You’re choosing PORN over ME?!?!?” your insecure girlfriend might shriek. Well, yeah. Because she’s forcing you to choose.

Here’s the deal: your girlfriend likes you. She wants you to like her. Because she’s insecure, she interprets you looking at women on the Internet as a sign that she’s not satisfying you, or that she’s not sexy enough to hold your interest. As men, you and I know that that’s fucking insane. We like looking at sexy women because looking at sexy women never gets old and we never want to stop doing it as long as we live. It doesn’t mean we can’t love just one woman. But some combination of gender programming and societal influence makes a lot of women exceptionally sensitive to stuff like that. And I will tell you straight from experience: DO NOT DATE THOSE WOMEN.

It’s 2011. Porn is a reality. It is clicks away on any computer with an Internet connection. It’s on your phone (“there’s an app for that”). Its ubiquity has changed the way men masturbate, and its accessibility means that there’s a younger generation of men — and women — who view sex in a completely different way than people who are just a few years older (When I was 10, I thought sex was like Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in Top Gun. I fear to think what 10-year-olds can discover today). All of this makes relationships more difficult than they were just ten fifteen years ago. That’s tough shit for all of us, but it’s the price we pay for being able to play Words With Friends while we poop.

Bottom line: your girlfriend is punishing you for Pandora’s box getting opened. I suppose it might be worth trying to have a mature conversation with her to change her mind about all of this, but I’d rather break up with the controlling harpy and date someone cool.

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Sergeant Neanderthal,
Fantasy: Lost in the first round of the playoffs on a stat correction. Always fun.

DAT’S GOTTA HOIT.

Sex: Just got out of a long term relationship and moving back to my hometown. So I started googling ex-girlfriends, naturally. I found out that one who was particularly attractive is living in my hometown and working for a wine distributor. We dated in college (about 5 years ago), but it was mostly filled with a lack of communication and alcohol like most college relationships. I got blackout drunk and started being really mean and yelled at her for no reason. She rightfully dumped me the next morning. I was apologetic and she understood that it was the booze talking and not me, so it didn’t end on terrible terms. We even ran into each other at a bar a couple months after graduation and she was being mad flirty and saying how she thinks about me, but I was dating someone at the time so I ignored it. How do I go about contacting her to see what she’s up to (if she’s single)? She doesn’t have facebook and I don’t have her phone number anymore. But, from the simple google search I have her work email and the schedule of where she does wine tastings around town. I’d really like to see her again and see if she still thinks about me, but I want to minimize the creepy factor as much as possible. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
What The Fuck Is A Stat Correction Anyway

Ahhhh, the wonders of the internet. Helping us stalk people with ever-increasing ease.

You have two options. You can drop in on one of her wine tastings and act like it’s a coincidence, or you can email her and say you looked her up online because you’re back in town and would like to see her. Ironically, the latter option — in which you admit to e-stalking — is somehow LESS stalker-ish. Yay technology!

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To Those Who Might Care,
Fantasy First: My question has to do with keepers, next season is the first year we can pick up to three keepers but can’t keep more than one in any position. Whoever you pick, you lose that draft pick in the next draft, I have an idea of who I want to keep but just wanted you opinion, the draft pick I’d lose is in parentheses. Stafford (11th), Foster (1st), Nicks (6th), Larry Fitzgerald (2nd), Jordy Nelson (10th). I’m leaning towards Stafford, Foster and Nicks only because I’d have three of my most important positions mainly filled. Thoughts?

Agreed. Tough to drop Fitty but the value for Nicks in the 6th round is undeniable.

Sex Second: I had been dating my girlfriend for 5 years and I took the leap and asked her to marry me, she said yes!

Congratulations!

And then two months later she broke off the engagement because she wasn’t sure that she wanted to actually get married or not.

Un-gratulations!

I took it hard and It caused us to break up in 2010. Fast forward to 2011 when we got back together and everything was going very well, until about August. In 2010 I made a lot of new friends, and a lot of those friends turned out to be female. Well when we go out to the local bars in our city I see a lot of those females and they come and talk to me and shoot the shit. I’m faithful and I’d never cheat, but she’s jealous and it turned into a big enough fight that we broke up once again.

We AGAIN have tried to work on things and lately they’ve been great, but we still get into nasty fights about the stupidest things.

This chick sounds like a real delight.

My questions is, am I an idiot for trying to fix things with her,

Yes.

or should I just cut my losses and end it before it gets worse again?

Also yes.

I think the reason why we come back to each other is that comfort factor that we have with each other, but then again that’s just my theory on it.
Thanks for any help you can give me,
Retardo Montalban

That sounds like an extremely obvious and correct theory to me.

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Season’s Greetings El Capitan,
Fantasy First: I made it to the final for the first time this year, largely due to the Dreamboat and a stupid scoring system that wildly overvalues the QB position. I also got lucky with some good value WRs and Jimmy Graham. I’m pretty pleased with the result, especially given I live on the other side of the world (a major impediment to optimal line-up setting as I can’t respond to late changes). Also, I only started following the sport last year and I don’t really know dick about it, hence the vagueness of my question. I need to start 4 out of Jordy Nelson (CHI), Steve Smith (TB), Hakeem Nicks (NYJ), AJ Green (ARI), Mike Williams (@CAR) and Jeremy Maclin (@DAL). Also, either BJGE (MIA) or DeAngelo Williams (TB) as a second RB. Projected points for all are virtually identical so I defer to your superior knowledge, oh great one.

At WR, Smith, Green, and Nicks are all obvious starts. Bench Mike Williams. Between Nelson and Maclin… I dunno. Yahoo projects them for almost identical numbers, and Chicago and Dallas have similarly effective pass defenses. I’d give the nod to Jordy because he’s playing at home in a more potent offense. Also because I’m racist.

At running back, I’d go with DeAngelo. The Bucs run defense is awful.

P.S. I promise not to blame you if your advice causes me to lose like that asshole from the other week.

Thank you. Maybe my advice will be right for once!

Sex (or more accurately, life advice): I apologise in advance for the long story, but the details are largely necessary. My best friend of the last decade or so has fibromyalgia. For those without a medical degree or the desire to google it, effectively it means your nervous system is royally fucked. Constant pain signals are sent for no real reason, chronic fatigue, inability to sleep, among other delightful effects. As a result, his house is a veritable cornucopia of opiates, benzos, and other drugs I’m not even aware of.

Awesome! Except not really, what with the constant pain and insomnia.

His tolerance has increased to the point where he is injecting his pain meds instead of using them as intended. It’s a complicated situation because he genuinely needs the pain relief, but he’s travelling down a very dangerous path.

A path that was trail blazed by Michael Jackson. Yikes.

As if that wasn’t shitty enough, his girlfriend has begun to do the same, only without any medical need. She is such a sweet, caring and otherwise functional person that I can’t stand to see her dragged into the mire of opiate abuse. On a recent visit, he dosed himself, then her, then promptly passed out. He is a big dude with a high tolerance who can handle his drugs so I wasn’t overly concerned about it. I made sure he was still breathing and all was well. She is tiny and significantly less resilient so I was fairly concerned when she started to nod off, her breathing slowed and her pulse was weak. After a period of feeding her sugary things, talking constantly and slapping her face to keep her awake she recovered to the point that I was no longer considering calling an ambulance. After I stopped shitting myself in fear and she became cognisant, we talked until the sun came up about ourselves, our relationship history and where our lives have taken us. I’d known her for a while, but this was the first time we had really connected, and at some point *Record Scratch* I realised I had a massive crush on her.

Hoo boy.

They have since decided to take a ‘long break’. I have no intention of interfering if it is indeed just a break, but in my experience a break is the beginning of the end. I would like to stay in touch with her for platonic reasons in the meantime, but I think he might get the wrong idea about my intentions. (Perhaps because it would, on some level, be the right idea). Am I an asshole for considering her a potential prospect at all, even if I wait until well after a final break up? It doesn’t help that she is not the kind to stay single for very long, so there may be a finite window of opportunity. Is there any way to handle this situation that won’t result in heartbreak, a ruined friendship or both?
– Probably a Terrible Person

Nope! I’d recommend standing by your friend, as your feelings for his girlfriend are intensified by the fact that you nursed her back from an opiated stupor and conducted your long conversation in the small hours before dawn. That kind of shit makes a connection feel more electric than what it would have been otherwise. There are a lot more potential mates in the world than there are best friends.