marmalardtantrum

The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.

By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.

The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.


You too can be The Lorax.

Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.

Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”

“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:

When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.

Please remake Glengarry Glen Ross just for Jaws.