When the Steelers weren’t getting manhandled by Aldon Smith, they were busy turning the ball over. Whoops, there goes the 1 seed, Yinzburgh. Best of luck with the Tebow Time versus The Ben morality play in the first round of the playoffs. Should make for fun sermons on the wickedness of rapeyness. Of course, the actual game wasn’t the biggest story of the night. Not when there were rolling flaming gay blackouts that reminded Chris Berman of earthquakes that he was able to experience firsthand and tell you about, even though they have zero bearing on ongoing breaking news.

“JUST LIKE 1989 WHEN I WENT TO THE TROUBLE TO BE AT THINGS AND REPORT LIKE I GAVE A SHIT. THAT WAS BEFORE CANNED SOUND EFFECTS BECAME MY CALLING CARD! WHAT MARVELS I SAW! WHAT MIRACLES I OBSERVED! Don’t you wish to know what I was like then? You’d like that guy. He thought about people. Bzzzzt. SIKE! PEOPLE LIKE ME! HAHAHA, THAT EARTHQUAKE WAS JUST MY EGO SHIFTING ITS WEIGHT.”

No one yet had any idea what happened other than that a transformer, like the scientific process, went boink. But no one has any less of an idea than WORST JOURNO EVER John Sutcliffe, reporter for ESPN Deportes who happened to be on hand in San Francisco to get no useful information whatsoever about the two power outages.

“When asked why they went out, the upper tier lights had no comment.”

Well, I went up to the control room. They wouldn’t open the door for me, but I banged loudly and offered chips. When they cracked the door open a slice and reuested that I prove that I have chips, I let them inspect the bag. At that time, they slid the chips inside the door and slammed it behind them. At this point, the status of the chips is unclear. BACK TO YOU, GUYS!

HARF HARF HARF COME BACK JAMES HARRISON AND HEAD SHOT THE LIGHTS BACK ON

AWWWW JAMES HARRISON Y U NO STOP THE HIGH ANKLESPOT FROM THROWING PICKERFUMBLECEPTIONS?