Image relevant to tonight's Eagles-Seahawks BIRDFEST


It’s Week 12: the final week of the fantasy regular season. Two of my three fantasy teams are headed to the playoffs, and the other one has a puncher’s chance of getting in. Come on TEBOW! SCORE THREE RUSHING TOUCHDOWNS!

What’s that? No one cares about my fantasy team? Sorry, I forgot protocol.

But I care about YOUR fantasy teams, so let’s get to the questions.

Hello!
Life: So I’ve written in with personal problems in the past and have gotten pretty good advice (sex is important in relationships, turns out). My question isn’t really about me though: bachelor party protocol. My best friend is getting married this summer and I’m his best man. I’m not too worried about the speech, but the bachelor party is a concern for me. I’m not exactly rich (really goddamn broke actually) and while our friends are certainly willing to go the extra mile, I’m a little worried that the kind of party that we want to throw (i.e. Vegas) is just a little out of our price range. Right now we (the groom and I) are living in Salt Lake City and the wedding will be in Butte Montana, so I’m thinking that I kind of want to try someplace different. Any tips on fun stuff 4-6 guys can do? The groom is very Catholic so obviously no strip club, but I’m struggling to come up with anything other than “get drunk in a large room.”

Poker night. It’s better than “get drunk in a large room”; it’s “get drunk in a large room while gambling.”

Football: I went ahead and started a league with a few friends here in SLC. Ten people and of them maybe 3 had played before. So far the league has been pretty competitive, which is nice, but people didn’t pay the agreed upon league fee. Only half of the league made it to the draft, and while everyone agreed to the fee (25 dollars) As of now, 2 players are in Korea so I’m not worried about them, and I can safely assume that 6 people will get their money over to me. I don’t know the other four as well, and they happen to be the bottom four players in the league and are safely out of playoff contention. I’ve posted one of those “you can’t win any money if your money isn’t in by this day in December” things to the league board, but I feel like it’s unfair to the future winner to lose out on $100. All I can do at this point is lock lineups, right?
Thanks,
-Best Man in Mormontown

All you should have done is lock their lineups in Week 1, actually. But yeah, sending them a polite and personal “Hey, you need to pay me by X date” is a nice segue into locking their lineups. After that, I recommend applying pressure on them through whatever mutual friend invited the deadbeats to join you league.

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To the Ovarian Overlord it may concern,
I’m in a 12 team PPR league that sends 6 teams to the playoffs. I’m currently a game back for the final spot but I’d have to jump three teams with only two weeks to go. So, probably out of contention but still alive enough to stress out. For my flex spot, I’m trying to decide between Mike Tolbert against Jacksonville, Roy Helu against the Jets, and Maurice Morris against the Saints. Ryan Matthews and LeGarrette Blount are my starting RBs. I also have Plaxico and Brandon Marshall on the bench. They’re both options at flex as well. I’m not really looking for solid advice: just someone to make this arbitrary decision for me so I can blame them when I miss the playoffs.

So in layman’s terms, you can play one of the following: Tolbert @ Jax, Helu vs. NYJ, Morris vs. NO, Plax @ WAS, and BMarsh vs. OAK. Sorry, I just needed that laid out without all the extraneous information.

I think the wideouts are out because they’re too inconsistent (Washington is also pretty tough on opposing wideouts, surprisingly enough). Of your secondary backs, I say Helu’s the one to go with. After fucking with fantasy owners for most of the year by swapping out running backs on a whim, Mike Shanahan actually said, “”He’s got the job. It’s his to lose,” after Helu ran for 108 yards and caught seven passes against the Seahawks last week. So even though the Jets are tough against RBs, I’d take Helu over Tolbert and Morris because I know he’ll get the  touches.

If you noticed a theme, my draft strategy involved selecting unusually athletic felons and other players no one else was willing to take a chance on. I took Vick early, Plaxico late, and Brandon Marshall and LeGarette Blount in between. NEVER DO THIS. Every single player on your roster is good for between zero and 40 points and the chance that all the ones who go off will be in your starting line-up is none. None percent. It’s enraging. Every line-up choice is marked by stress and obvious opportunity costs just waiting to piss you off. I’ve grown to loathe the optimal line-up tab on the Yahoo StatTracker.  My entire season has been one long lesson in behavioral economics learned the hard way. If you want to be happy, choose consistent mediocrity over inconsistency with flashes of brilliance.

Actually, I think I just answered all of my sex questions.
Thanks,
Decision Theory Study Test Subject #1 (consistent misery group)

That optimal lineup tab is a BITCH and I never even launch StatTracker for that purpose. And I hate it when I look at it during the early slate of games, and it tells me that my optimal lineup has Daniel Thomas instead of Adrian Peterson just because he’s Thomas has eleven yards on five carries and AP plays in the late game. FUCK YOU, PETERSON IS IN THE OPTIMAL LINEUP.

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Dear Pussy Trolls,
Fantasy football: Got flacco and hasslebeck as my two starting qbs. Since neither has been that good, and neither have really enticing matchups down the stretch, I was thinking about bringing in Rex Grossman to make spot starts for me week 14 (vs NEW… final week of the regular season) and week 16 (vs MIN… Fantasy Bowl!) . Thoughts? I’m leaning towards a yes. I’m in first place and the rest of my roster is stacked: LMcCoy, MLynch, MBush, Welker, Jennings, Gonzo, Hanson, and Wade Phillips. This decision I think will really be the game-changer. But can I trust a guy who got benched for John Beck?

No. Grossman gives the ball away like flyers for a church bake sale. Just start Flacco.

Sex: As you can see from my last question, I think these things through. Sometimes though I will overthink them and make bad decisions, like when I dropped Demarco Murray week 5. Overthinking has always been my problem with the ladies. I’m 23 and get as nervous as a I ever have around girls cuz I have no experience whatsoever and am pretty scrawny (5’11” 140). My question is, how do I stop myself from overthinking, how do i get in a positive mindset, and any good tips for free weights exercises?

Squats and deadlifts are the foundation exercises for building strength and gaining weight. I know that I proselytize for CrossFit a bit too much, but just about every CF gym offers a month of introductory classes that can show you the proper technique for squatting, deadlifting, and various other exercises. Also, there are no mirrors in CF gyms, so there are no egocentric douchebags flexing between sets that will make you feel self-conscious about your toothpick limbs.

Anyhoo, once you start working out, your body will look and feel better, and you’ll naturally become more confident. Hooray!

Second sex question: I’m a recent college grad who works for the sports page of a small paper. I just got done covering a full season for the local D2 volleyball team. Occasionally some flirting would go on between one of the other players and I’ve been king of wanting to do something about it. Season ended a couple weeks ago and I’ve seen her at a couple women’s bball games (since that’s my new beat) but I’ve too shy to go and talk to her. It really bothers me that I’ve been too pussy to even wave, but I also think this might be a good thing as I’m 23, she’s 20, and there are just a long list of things that could go wrong here.

Like what? Your dick falling into her vagina?

I’m just obviously way too far out ahead in this, and the consequences outweight the gains. Right? Thoughts?
Sincerly,
-Scarecrow

No. Wrong. You’re making excuses to not talk to a girl that you like. Stop that.

Listen, I’m sure that there’s some angle you can take where it’s wrong because she’s in college and you’ve graduated or it violates your “journalistic integrity” or somesuch. That’s crap. You’re legal adults separated in age by three years. That’s the same difference as me and my fiancée. It’s not a big deal. Fucking wave to her.

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Chief Captain Bossman,
How are you doing today?

Great! I started a new job.

Fantasy: Who do I start this week between Decker (@Min) or Torrey Smith (@Cle) in the flex, and Celek or Pettigrew at Tight end?

I hate to back a receiver who’s getting the ball from Tim Tebow, but I think Decker’s the better choice. The Vikings are one of the worst teams in the league at defending WRs, while the Browns give up the fewest fantasy points to wideouts.

At tight end, go with Celek. He’s been seeing a lot more looks over the last several weeks, and the Seahawks are giving up the 3rd-most fantasy points to tight ends this year. Also, as a Pettigrew owner, I can tell you that Brandon Pettigrew blows goats.

Sex: Been working and living out of the country the past year which caused my girlfriend and I to end it mutually. We tried to do the long distance thing for a bit…it just didn’t work. We still talk and try to stay friends. I’ll be home this Christmas and she’s suggested that she wants to hang out. I also wouldn’t mind seeing her but I’m not sure what her intentions are. I’m only home for a couple of weeks and I don’t want to spend time with her, one thing leading to another and have her thinking that when I get home for good (and I dont know when that is right now) that we’ll just start up again. I don’t want that, and would like to let her know that just in case that’s what she is thinking. On the other hand, I may be over thinking it and she just may wanna bang it out for old times sake because we did have good sex. How do I bring this up/do I even bring it up? If i mention it and make it awkward, it could ruin the small opportunity we have to see each other. If I don’t, it could send a wrong signal. What would Captain do?
Keep it handy, keep it dandy,
Globey

Oh, just go ahead and enjoy some holiday sex. If feelings are going to get hurt, they’re going to get hurt regardless of whether you have sex. So you may as well tackle the issue AFTER you both enjoy some orgasms.

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Ahoy Cap’n:
Fantasy: Winning this week could give me a first round playoff bye. My issue is with RBs, in that they all suck. This is a typical Yahoo! setup, with 1 pt/10 yd run or 25 yd reception, and 6 pts/TD. Pick 2 of the following: Greene (@ Wash), Beanie (Dal), Marion Barber (KC), and Helu (NYJ). I figure Beanie is a lock because he’s not sharing the load, but all my options are inconsistent at best.

Yeah, Beanie for sure. After that… I guess Helu? I’m tempted by Greene because the Redskins’ D isn’t exactly the Steel Curtain, but THAT’S HOW SHONN GREENE SUCKS YOU IN. Don’t fall for the Shonn Greene trap.

Relationship/Sex: I’m not sure that this is a particularly relevant detail, but just to keep you and the readers interested, I AM A LESBIAN AND THIS IS A LESBIAN RELATED QUESTION. Ahem. Anyway, I have a good friend (lets call her “Shane”), who, a few months ago, got out of a rather serious relationship, and has been “playing the field” like no one I’ve ever seen (i.e. constantly hooking up with super hot (but mostly crazy) women. One night, I was out with Shane and we met a woman (let’s say…”Carmen”). Carmen is basically everything I look for in a woman: first of all she’s not super young (she’s 31, I’m 30), she’s fun, in a similar line of work as me, super cute, smart, etc. Naturally, Shane is hitting that within a week. Whatever, I can’t hate the player–she got there first, and did recently get her heart ripped out, herself. However, I’m naturally a bit protective of Carmen (when I ask Shane if Carmen knows about all the other girls, she’d say “it hasn’t come up,” or “I’m sure she has others too”). Now Shane does NOT want anything serious right now, so fast-forward a month, and Shane broke ties with Carmen as she felt (“Carmen was starting to get attached”). Shane gave me her “blessing” to go for it with Carmen (not that I feel I needed it from her in the first place), but now I’m at a loss as to how to handle the situation. I reeeeeally dig this girl and don’t know how to go about it. This is not an issue of shyness, etc from me, but her are the pertinent facts: the only times I’ve hung out with Carmen, Shane’s been present, and Carmen knows I’m good friends with Shane. We have no other friends in common and my only way of contacting her is via Facebook, which I’m fine doing, but don’t really know what to say (for example: “hey, sorry my friend kinda played you…wanna get a drink?”). I’ve given her what I feel is the appropriate post-Shane mourning period (~3 weeks), and I feel like it’s now or never. Can you or the Kommentariat think of any suggestions for breaking the ice, or is this just a lost cause altogether? Any insight would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
BITCHEZ BE CRAZEE

Thanks for the email, BBC. I have to be honest: I am not an expert in lesbian mating habits, so I turned to your question over to one of the awesomest lesbians on the internet, Bohemea, whose lesbian relationship expertise includes a long relationship to her lesbian partner Suicide Blonde. Sorry, I enjoy writing “lesbian.” (BTW, both of their tumblrs can be a little NSFWish, so click those links with discretion.)

ANYWAY, here’s what Bohemea says:

You need to think back to what attracted you to “Carmen” in the first place, before “Shane” hit it & quit it. You mentioned she’s in a similar line of work as you, that you’re the same age, and that she’s fun & smart, these are all excellent traits that allow opportunities for perfect ice breakers that don’t involve discussing your friend who possibly hurt her. The good thing is that you’ll find out pretty quick if Carmen is over Shane. Strike up a conversation that has nothing to do with Shane, flirt with her, try to get to know her & see how she behaves with you. If she wants to cut herself off completely from Shane’s life, she won’t be responsive & you’ll know to move on & find another pretty lady. If Carmen is responsive & enjoys chatting with you, then yes, absolutely, ask her out. The good news is that if Shane is right & Carmen was looking for a relationship & that’s what you’re looking for then you know that you & Carmen have one more thing in common. The fact that your friend is totally cool with you going for it with someone she slept with makes it even less complicated. My advice would be to lay on some charm on Facebook, see how she responds & go from there.

I think that makes a lot of sense. HOORAY FOR LESBIAN QUESTIONS.