Contagious. When we last left Tebowville Chamber of Commerce Chairblob Peter King, he was declaring Tim Tebow’s story the greatest story ever told. Better than the story of that lady who brought her cello on the airplane? YES. Better than that time Don Banks took Pete to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville restaurant and DIDN’T order a margarita? YES. Better than the story of Hiroshima? YES. All those stories have far too much assembly-line-ness. TEBOW IS THE REAL SHIZZ.
So what about this week? Don’t you think it’s WEIRD that Chris Johnson’s self is its old Johnson self again? And isn’t it EERIE that we Americans all go through Italian Roast withdrawal every Week 13? Is it not BIZARRE that the Army/Navy game have never once been played in Wichita? And don’t you find it MEGA-WEIRDPELLING that America is lacking in walkable cities? READ ON. This column may seem painful and agonizing, because IT IS.
Atlanta coach Mike Smith got a clean bill of health Sunday night at a Charlotte hospital after being taken off the Falcons’ charter back to Atlanta with chest pains…
Thankfully, GM Tom Dimitroff was able to both diagnose and treat Smith on his own. The things you learn simply by watching Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN. This Dimitroff fella knows what he’s doing.
That’s about all I know, other than this: Smith’s 52, has always seemed healthy to me, and is one intense guy on the sidelines. Did he just have bad heartburn? Is the pressure of the job getting to him? Don’t know any of that. We’ll see in the coming days.
That’s about all I know about Mike Smith’s situation except for this: NOTHING ELSE. Did he eat bad ham? Is he an autoerotic asphyxiation enthusiast? Did he catch his niece in bed with a lowly caddie when arriving home for tea? DON’T KNOW ANY OF THAT.
It’s a stressful job. A fun job, but stressful.
It’s a shitty, horrible, awful job with a 100% chance of ending in your abrupt termination, with assorted fans and media members constantly evaluating you and telling you how much you suck, and with a workload impossible for the average human to tolerate. OH BUT IT’S SO MIRTHFUL. You only need to look at Nick Saban to know that he’s the kind of man who wants to lead his league in fun.
A playoff coach having a significant health scare. That’s news… but it pales in comparison to the force of nature of all Tebow, all the time.
I like this passage because, if you rewind a little bit, you’ll see that THIS was the opening of Peter’s column today, which he used to introduce Smith’s health scare:
The real world intercedes on the fun and games this morning.
So true. I’m afraid we have to take a break for a moment to talk about something from the REAL WORLD — something that puts this whole wacky krayzee game we love called “the footballs” into proper perspective.
(a few paragraphs later)
HEY FUCK ALL THAT HEART ATTACK SHIT, LET’S TALK JESUS BARON.
If Merriam-Webster could add the definition of “Tebow,” I predict it would go something like this:
“When a female bows before her sexual partner in order to allow him to tittyfuck her whilst standing up.”
Tebow. TEE-bow. Verb. To defeat an opponent while overcoming a major impediment.
In this case, the impediment being 7,000 credentials media members storming onto the field to get a signed glove from their new crush.
Now on with week 14, in which, of course, the Denver quarterback Tebowed the Bears in very Tebow fashion.
So true! You should have seen all the Tebows that Tebow Tebowed! And then Marion Barber un-Tebowed the non-Tebows by Romoing when he was trying to Tebow! And that Matt Praterbow came onto the field in OverTebow and Tebowed the bow right through the Godpoles!
Marion Barber, with the Bears probably a couple of yards from winning field-goal position, fumbles. Broncos recover. The Coen Brothers rush to LAX to get on the next flight to Denver to beg Tebow for the rights to his life story.
Peter has almost certainly never watched a Coen Brothers movie. HOWEVER, I welcome the idea of a Coen Brothers Tebow film, in which God forsakes Tebow and sends a devastating tornado right at Tebow’s hometown. And then John Goodman sets Tebow’s hotel on fire. And then that no good sheeny Bernie Bernbaum betrays Tebow’s trust by trying to bribe him. And then Javier Bardem shoots Tebow in the head with a fucking cattle gun and Peter Stormare feeds his corpse into a wood chipper.
At the gate, they discover first-class is taken up totally by Disney execs, racing to do the same thing.
See now, the Disney version would be dogshit.
Tebow, in the fourth quarter and overtime: 18 of 24, 191 yards, one touchdown, no picks. His late-game heroics — there’s really no logical explanation.
Other than that HE PLAYS VERY WELL LATE IN GAMES. That’s an actual, real-world explanation, and it fits all the symptoms of TEBOWMANIA OF TEBOWVILLE. But no, be the lazy kind of shithead who just throws his hands up and is like, “You can’t explain this kind of stuff! I’m not saying it’s the hand of Jesus at work, but let’s just assume it is because that’s fun!”
I hope Tebow joins the Red Sox, just so Peter will drown in his own ejaculate.
Other than this one: I’ve noticed Tebow likes the frenzied style of game, when he can play hurry-up, and defenses get back on their heels a bit, making sure they contain him.
There’s really no logical explanation for Tebow’s late-game heroics, except for this one. Also, there is no second best Tebow in football. Except for Eli Manning. He’s second.
That’ll be a great and compelling game Sunday, New England at Denver
Not just compelling, but INTERESTING. Brady-Tebow. Ocho-Tebow. Pedroia-Tebow. Bruins-Tebow. How do you pick between the IRRESISTIBLE SCRAP AND THE IMMOVABLE GRIT?!
Bill Belichick had a thing for Tebow before the 2010 draft.
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE FOLLOW ME TO MY FILM ROOM AND I’LL POP YOUR CHERRY WITH A DICK TO THE EAR GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.
I’m told he was fascinated by him.
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE HE’LL MAKE A GREAT SAFETY AND HIS MOM LOOKS DOWN FOR A HARD FOUR INCHES.
They went out to a long dinner in Boston’s North End, and that’s not something Bill Belichick does with prospects very often.
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE EAT YOUR FUCKING SHRIMP I DON’T PAY $13 FOR JUST ANY CUNTFACE ROOKIE DINNER GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.
Last week, the NFL raised a ruckus (certainly at the network where I work, NBC)…
Oh, you should have heard Dungy’s screams when he found out there would be NO TEBOW for the holidays! Thankfully, I was able to soothe him by turning up the adjustable massage chairs that NBC, OUR FAMED EMPLOYER, PROVIDES FOR US IN THE SCREENING ROOM.
…by keeping the Baltimore-San Diego as the Week 15 Sunday night game on NBC, and keeping New England-Denver as a CBS Sunday afternoon game.
Okay, show of hands: Did you ruckus your little hearts out when you heard this news? No? Oh, so you’re telling me that Peter is just ginning up phony outrage because his cronies at NBC didn’t get the game they wanted, followed by a 5,000-word explanation of flex scheduling you didn’t need? COMPELLING. I say we blame this decision on the ref from that small African country.
The Browns should build around Colt McCoy, not draft a quarterback in 2012 to replace him.
BAHAHAHAHAHA IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S WRONG.
Now, I realize he made two or three idiotic throws in the second half — and you’re not going to win doing that consistently…
“Now, I realize that Colt McCoy sucks. But what this column presupposes is that he finds a way to NOT suck.”
But I believe he can be coached out of those…
“I believe it too!”
-Everyone who has not coached Tony Romo
– it’s what Bill Walsh would believe, watching him.
“Who’s this shitty quarterback you’re making me watch? LET ME OUT OF THIS GRAVE. WORMS ARE EATING MY BONE MARROW.”
If I’m Browns GM Tom Heckert, I’m looking for an offseason upgrade at wide receiver (the Browns need two), guard, running back and tight end … before I even think about replacing the quarterback.
Then I let Colt go 8-8 with us for ten straight years, and I POP THE PECAN ALE.
I bet Tom Brady really wasn’t all giddy and happy with Bill O’Brien, the way it appeared in the postgame presser, for biting his head off when he threw the bad interception late in Washington. But I also bet Brady appreciates a normally placid coach going freakazoid too, because a throw like Brady’s shouldn’t be acceptable.
I bet Tom Brady was mad at Bill O’Brien, but also I bet that he was NOT all that mad at Bill O’Brien. Call it 1/1 odds I’m half-right. I LIKE MY ODDS.
Goats of the Week
Chicago RB Marion Barber. … he fumbled in overtime, allowing Tim Tebow to keep the miracles flowing.
MIRACLE DAM ENGINEER: Release the locks! We need to get these miracles flowing!
Referee John Parry, with an assist to head linesman Derick Bowers.
Of the Montclair Bowerses?!
Quote of the Week II
“Hey! Good game, Business!”
– Steelers linebacker James Farrior, leaving the Pittsburgh locker room Thursday night and shouting out congratulations to Roethlisberger. One of the other guys in the locker room said “Business” was a nickname for handling one’s business superbly.
Nothing about that quote or explanation makes sense. I think it may have been constructed out of refrigerator poetry. “Hey, you know what’s a good nickname for the word business? BUSINESS.”
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
It occurred to me that Tebow must be getting slammed with media requests and pulled in different directions by the demands, so I asked Denver manager of media information Patrick Smyth just how slammed Tebow is.
Now there’s an item that fits its headline perfectly. Say, forget all these comebacks and shit. I wonder how many interview requests Christboy gets from Bob Glauber!
From Monday through Saturday last week, the most in-demand player in America’s biggest game did the following with the media:
I’M NOT READY FOR THIS! It’s gonna be like if Bob Papa joined the Niners! Too much itinerary for one man!
Monday: KOA radio interview (5 mins.).
“But there’s something going on with that nothing.”
-any sportswriter covering Tebow
Wednesday: Local press conference (10);
Conference call with Chicago media (10);
Interview, LA Times’ Sam Farmer (14).
Friday: Taping KOA pregame show interview (5);
FOX-TV production meeting (15);
Interview, SI’s Jim Trotter (18 — includes five minutes just chatting)
They even talked about stuff Tebow read in the New York Times! What a kid.
Interview, FOXSports.com’s Alex Marvez (6)
Sunday: The usual.
Total time spent with media on non-game days: 83 minutes.
Total minutes in six days: 8,640.
Total minutes trying to prevent Ben McDaniels from taking credit for all this: 500
Total minutes fending off obscene calls from Merril Hoge: 300
Total minutes secretly praying to God for RaHoWa to break out (you know it’s what he wants): 6,000
Percentage of Tebow’s life spent with media last week: 0.9 percent.
Doesn’t seem like too much of a distraction to me.
HOLY SHIT. Really? We went through this whole fucking exercise for that? “Hey everyone, I was wondering if Tebow had to do lots of media time because I have nothing better to think about. Turns out, he’s doin’ just fine! IT’S AN EVEN LESS INTERESTING FACT THAN YOU MIGHT HAVE GUESSED!”
A comedy of errors (but I’m not laughing) led to this column being posted so late today. I regret making you wait.
Peter King in… The Day The Clown Cried.
I’ve caught a little bug in the last few days somewhere…
…and I’ve been trying to fight that off. I had to travel for a story early this morning, flying out of JFK at 6:55 a.m., and so at about 1:30 this morning, I lay down to sleep for three hours, unusual for my Sunday night. Woke up at 5. Rushed to get ready, got in the car to the airport and in five minutes discovered two very bad things: I left my cell phone in the car, and my flight, which I was told would have WiFi, did not.
Now that’s what I call a great start to a day.
And my latte was a touch astringent! Can there BE a worse story in the history of humanity? It’s like Mandela’s imprisonment TIMES INFINITY.
So I got on line quickly at the airport, tweeted my delay, informed my editors I was an idiot, and, with two hours of work left on the column, finished it on the plane and sent upon landing.
And then there was a pretzel stand at the airport and I bought one! But the cashier couldn’t break a hundred! And then the escalator was broken and I had to take the elevator, but I didn’t know if I should press 1 or G, because I didn’t know which floor was the MAIN floor, you know? I NEED AN EDITOR. PLEASE, AMERICA. SEND ME AN EDITOR. I NEED HELP.
I can’t figure out why I have this splitting headache.
“OH THE PAIN! This plane has no WiFi, and I can’t find a place for this totally unneeded adverb anywhere. HANDSOMELY.”
h. “CLIFF AVRIL JUMPED OFFSIDE!” Good bit of stunning in Thom Brennaman’s voice before the last play at Detroit.
Gotta like having a little stunning in that voice.
i. The Chargers. Everything about them looks good.
So true, if you’re an amnesia patient who woke up two weeks ago!
Every owner who’s thinking about firing his coach should ask himself if the team is really very far away, and if it isn’t, what’s going to be gained by firing the coach?
In some cases, I can see the intelligence in changing coaches. But in some places — Minnesota, Washington, Philadelphia, most notably — I see good coaches having bad years with the ability to turn things around next year. I wouldn’t make a change in any of those places.
I need a moment.
/places plastic bag over head
/wakes up drenched in own urine and feces
Okay. I’m better now. I totally agree. Philly should keep Andy Reid. UNLESS THEY CAN HIRE COLT MCCOY AS COACH IN WHICH CASE I HIRE HIM THEN SIT BACK AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE AROUND HIM IS A HALL OF FAMER AND THAT WAY HE’LL SUCCEED.
Also, Mike Shanahan is an idiot.
I think I heard some very good news out of Roger Goodell’s mouth Sunday when he spoke to the press in Detroit.
“I did my 20,000th pushup, everyone!”
He said the playoffs wouldn’t be expanded anytime soon because it would risk diluting the importance of regular season games. Expansion equals dilution. Twelve of 32 teams making it is more than enough. Sixteen of 32? NHL-ish. NBA-ish.
I think a great example of how stupid the old NFL scheduling model was came into play this weekend… The AFL and NFL merged in 1970. In the 42 seasons since the merger, Sunday was only the third time the Patriots played at Washington.
NO WAY! They should have played Navy at least sixteen times in DC during that span.
Yes: 1981, 2003, 2011.
GTFO. That’s crazy. As a city to play football in, we underrate Landover. Now you’re gonna tell me that Tom Brady hasn’t played in the Bay Area more than OMIGOD HOW CAN WE LIVE WITH OURSELVES KNOWING THE GREAT NINERS/PATS RIVALRY NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO FLOURISH?!
How can a team on the Eastern Seaboard go 22 years without playing another team on the Eastern Seaboard?
BECAUSE THEY PLAY IN DIFFERENT CONFERENCES AND NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. Who fucking cares? I know I for one will survive if the legendary Pats/Skins grudge match isn’t given its proper spotlight.
SI’s Sportsman of the Year event last Tuesday was terrific, especially hearing one winner, Mike Krzyzewski, tell the other, Pat Summitt, in an emotional voice how honored he was to share it with her.
It’s a nice moment because Coach K is lying and is secretly a horrible megalomaniac.
The winningest men’s coach and winningest women’s coach, I thought, were the perfect honorees, for their lives of modeling so many people the right way.
And, in Coach K’s case, NEVER DRAWING ATTENTION TO THEIR ABILITY TO BUILD GOOD WHITE BOYS INTO GOOD WHITE MEN.
Got a kick out of Coach K saying he and his family, on a night like this, with lots of Sportsman alums in the house, would be over in the corner saying, “Hey, there’s Chris Evert! There’s Gretzky! Now we’re in the room, dammit!” Cute.
Listen to me: Coach K is not cute. EVER. He is a fucking rat who spits cobra venom and jacks off into piles of dead children.
Coffeenerdness: Great order at my Manhattan Starbucks the other day: “Eight espresso shots in a venti cup.” There’s some high-test for you.
Watched the fellow go over and add six or seven sugars, stir, and walk out of the place. He’s probably still awake.
GRRRR SO CAFFEINATED I HAVE THE POWER TO TELL EIGHT STORIES ABOUT TEBOW’S MEDIA COMMITMENTS.
Beernerdness: A shame. I’ve been living on Vitamin Water and regular water for four or five days, mostly. So I’m sorry, I have no fun beer news to report.
Nooooooooooooo!!!! I need my citrus injection!
Will make it up to you over the holidays. Promise.
Phew! Because nothing relieves me more than knowing a rich sportswriter got to drink lots of fancy beer.
I want more like this!
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