I feel like I spent all of Derpoween sitting out in the field waiting for The Great Pumpkin Marmalard to show himself, only for nothing but derps and derps and derps and derps. It felt like forever. But oh my. How ever did he derp.
In reality, they all derped. They derped their guts out. The Chargers derped so hard motherf*ckers wanna herp them. Marcus McNeill might have amassed a 2,000 yard season in penalty yardage tonight alone.
To their demerit, the Chiefs, too, did everything they could to lose this game. For those who love it when a team really tries to lose, when they take extra effort to set the table for the other team, bring out the fine china and write VICTORY on their plates in a sauce you’re not sophisticated enough to identify, you had to love the Chiefs tonight. In a game like this, you hate that someone had to be declared the winner, because these teams tried so hard to lose and it breaks your heart that one has to feign triumph when they gave their level best to fall on their faces.
The camera caught Todd Haley yelling FUCK YOU at someone, presumably his offensive coordinator, over the headset as the Chiefs were settling for a field goal before halftime. But no one is surprised at Haley chewing someone out for his own mistakes. The bedraggled look, however, is an unsettling departure from the semi-kept douche.
I like that Haley would like to challenge the Eagles’ offensive lines coach Howard Mudd (and Belichick of course) for most hobo NFL coach, but you’re in way over your head, Todd.
In the end, it wasn’t only the teams that derped. It was the refs and the fans, too. It was us for watching this game. We passively derped while they derped actively on the field; Such is the magic of Derpoween.
Worst day ever? No, sir. Just worst game ever.
Behold the other lowlights and costumes presented largely without commentary or moutheyes. WE WILL PLAY FOOTBALL!
[rivers gif via]
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.