Dear Lord, Lord of Heaven and all other Lordly domains, I thank You and give praise to Your Lordness for the winning touchdown that I have just scored, as was Your will. And I thank You for the miraculous grass on which we play, each blade of it painstakingly crafted by the elves You have working in Your Heavenly workshop, because I assume that you have angel elves, which is not an unreasonable assumption to make. Truly, there is no finer surface on which to play this holy game. We could have been playing on concrete, or on bales of hay, or on some kind of giant field of iron spikes, which would not be as comfortable or as pleasant as grass, which emits such a fine Jesusly odor as dictated by You and Your olfactory factories up in the Kingdom above. I would also like to thank You for Ed, the groundskeeper, a simple and humble man who maintains the grass and is fighting off the liver cancer You gave him the best he can.

And I’d like to thank you for glazed walnuts, which brighten up any salad, particularly when mixed in with dried cranberries. In fact, if a salad consisted of NOTHING but those two things, I think I might be committing a sin! And thank You for the sun and the moon, which give us the bright hope of each new day and the romantic mystery of each new night. Sometimes, the moon will come out during the day and I almost feel like You’re overdoing it, but I know that You are just showing me Your Greatness, which is greater than even the greatness of a good Joel Osteen audiobook.

And I’m incredibly grateful to You for tents, which shelter us from the rain and snow when we decide to venture out into the giant playground You have built for us called Nature. And I thank You for providing an instruction booklet to help me figure out which little nylon slot each tentpole needs to go into in order to make the tent rise and be strong against Your mighty winds. They are good winds, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them.

And I thank You for Lance Ball, who is a strong and capable teammate who is able to shoulder the burden of 25 to 30 carries a game and does so without complaint, and without asking for water breaks. You could not have paired me with a finer companion as we barnstorm the country and spread the Word of your Mighty Coming.

And I Thank you for abortionists. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but You taught me to love all creatures regardless of sin, and so I love abortionists and I pray for them to see me score this winning touchdown and find a higher calling in life. Even as I picture them tearing a helpless fetus away from the placenta that feeds and nourishes that fetus, and deposit that fetus into a biohazard bucket, I cannot have hate in my heart, for I know that there will come a time when the power of Your love causes the end of such barbarism.

And I praise you for cellular phone technology, which is a good technology that I can no longer live without! You should see how these new phones work, Your Majesticness. You can play games with them and take movies and even send messages to many, many relatives! BLESS YOU FOR YOUR MAGIC INVISIBLE TALKY SOUNDWAVES.

Above all else, God, I thank You for You. I do not ask you for anything. You have done so much for me already. You’ve given me a life, and you’ve given me good and healthy things to eat like raspberries. I cannot ask more. I simply give thank to You and love You for You! It’s true! I’m not ashamed to say it! I love and accept You as you have accepted me, despite all my sins. Yesterday I looked at a set of breasts, breasts perfectly created by Your Creatorousness, for a little bit longer than I should have. TEMPTATION AND WICKEDNESS SURROUND ME ON ALL SIDES BUT I KNOW THAT IS YOUR PROVENANCE.

In summation, You are still my BFF and I love You.

(looks up to empty stadium)

Hey, where’d everyone go?