Here’s the mailbag. I’m rushing off to watch Conan and Louis C.K., so you don’t get an intro. Let’s get right to it:

Hi Captain-
Could you possibly send me or re-post the advice you give out to single guys who have given up trying to find / meet a girl? We have a friend that is not bad looking or weird but constantly gives up or does nothing, he’s only 26 too. He dated a girl in college for 2 years or so. It ended when he decided to move home and she did too and the long distance thing didn’t pan out. That was 4 years ago and he hasn’t tried to meet a single new girl.

Just recently his roommate’s girlfriend brought over a lady of loose morals and he did nothing again. He does work a terrible night job, not sure if that’s an a good excuse. It’s pretty bad and we’d like to motivate him try, but I feel like this is a replay of Cold War and he stubbornly won’t admit his friends are right and he should be at least trying. His roommate says we’d have more luck getting his dog Rambo to speak Spanish. In any case, if you want me flesh out his plight in giving up for the mailbag, I can do that too.

If he doesn’t give a shit, why should you? I hate to be the dick here, but if he’s content wasting his youth sitting at home and jacking off to porn, let him waste his life and live with regrets later. I have no sympathy for people who don’t want to make their own lives better.

For Fantasy: What do you think I need more? WR’s or RB’s? I’ve got Stevie Johnson, Jeremy Maclin, Mike Tolbert, and Shonn Greene.

Running backs.

It’s a standard Yahoo league I am stuck in the middle and mediocre. Brees is my starting QB and as long as he doesn’t repeat last week’s Dr. Hyde performance, I’ll be better there.
Thanks,
Dr. Pantaloons

Yeah, what the fuck happened with Brees last week? It’s like the Saints shot their wad so hard against the Colts that they couldn’t get it up for the Rams. Hooray, sex/football metaphors!

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Hey guys, I’ve written into the mailbag twice before, I’m the wheelchair bound virgin.

Aw, I love this guy. His previous write-ins are here and here, in case you’re new to the joint.

Now, forgive me as I’m still a little drunk. On Saturday I had the greatest idea in the history of ideas. I decided to dress up as Stephen Hawking for halloween, complete with this talking computer. I programmed the cheesiest physics related pick up lines I could think of and I went out to a bar. I also managed to record myself hitting on a girl with a cheesy line spit out by a robot voice. It was awesome.

That’s fantastic. I wish you would have included what some of the lines were.

“You look great! Have you lost mass?”

“I can give your pussy an incredibly low μk.”

“Hey baby, what’s your sine?”

The girl didn’t really get the nerd humor, but some drunk dude did (I also think he reads KSK because he showed me that picture of the thong pumpkin that you guys posted last week). So much so that he brought his friends and his friends brought girls. They fucking loved it. The girls seemed really into it, specifically sexy bumblebee and sexy rainbow brite. Before they left I decided to ask for bumblebee’s number because, fuck it,  I was drunk. And she gave it to me along with a “Call me! Email me!” I definitely will, but what I was too drunk to notice was that her boyfriend was RIGHT ACROSS FROM HER! Apparently, he flipped his shit and yelled, “I thought you loved me!” (nurse told me).

Nice! No bipedal man can compete with Stephen COCKING!

Now, I have no beef with this guy because he was pretty nice to me, but I’d be remiss not to call a really hot girl that gave me her number after all my struggles. My question, is how do I approach this? She really did seem cool.
Thanks,
Hotwheelz  (surprisingly coherent)

Well, good news and bad news. The good news is that she really is  enthusiastic about you calling/emailing her. The bad news is that, if she was willing to be so forward in front of her boyfriend, it’s possibly because she didn’t see you as a potential love interest. I can’t know because I wasn’t there (unfortunately). But who gives a shit? Turn up the wit to 11 and send her a charming email. Maybe she just doesn’t KNOW that you’re a potential love interest until you charm her pants off.

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Gents,
Fantasy:
2 years ago: League champion.
1 year ago: Autodraft (I know) rendered me with a team that featured Kevin Kolb as a lynch pin, and I was a touch busy with my first year of med school to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic of my team. My deepest fucking apologies.
This year: Facebook alerts me that the dudes in my league are having their draft that night. Fuck fantasy.

So I’m guessing your main reason for writing in is sex, huh?

Sex: I can’t tell you exactly when it began, but over the last couple years I’ve become convinced of the fact that if one is going to receive fellatio, one should be sure that there is a shower between said event and ones last shit. My reasons are twofold: 1) Unless you’re wiping your ass with bleach wipes, there is likely going to be a certain amount of lingering aroma after a bathroom trip, and moreover, 2) bacterial concerns abound. Unless you have an incredibly well designed toilet, odds are that your equipment is going to scrape the toilet or, god forbid, a cruelly high water level. Beyond that, feces is pure bacteria, and them boys are just not stationary so it seems entirely possible that they could migrate to ones boy parts. Thoughts on this? Am I just incredibly neurotic, or is it reasonable to not want some kindly lass to get diphtheria for her troubles down there?
Sincerely, A considerate yet bitter man.

Written like a true second-year med student.

You bring up some salient points about hygiene and safety, but I can’t help but be turned off by your disregard for spontaneity. “Oh baby, that feels fantastic — wait! I haven’t showered since I took a dump this morning! There may be lingering fecal matter on my balls!”

But you know what? YOU’RE not the one going down on that dick, so your opinion means fuck-all to me. Granted, I prefer performing cunnilingus on a freshly showered vagina, but I don’t mind the occasional earthiness after a long day. Likewise, I’ve never had a girl go down on me and be all, “I’m sorry, but this tastes like farts.” Women — or at least women who happily give head — seem to enjoy the intimacy of the act, and I won’t have you cock-blocking the general public just because you’re going to fancy-pants doctor school to learn that poop is dirty.

Anecdote time: when I was in college back in the early 1800s, I joined a fraternity. Northwestern’s campus was about 45% Greek at the time, and it’s a college full of nerds, so it didn’t have the date-rapey stigma some people like to foist upon it now. My particular fraternity had this tradition of a surprise food fight, and the first year that I participated in it, food got just about EVERYWHERE on my body. Beef Stroganov over my head, wine tossed in my face — I was absolutely filthy. My dick, by virtue of the always-pleasant “cram food down the pledge’s shorts” move, must have tasted like a four-course meal. In a bad way. And yet I got a blowjob that night from a girl in my dorm that night, and that poor hero never said a word or showed the slightest sign that it was an unpleasant taste or smell.

In short: lighten up, Francis. Your bacteria fear-baiting is why white kids are allergic to everything.

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Check it out, a letter from a girl!

Servus Suzyers!
Fantasy first: I’ve got a moral dilemma. I’m number one in my fantasy league and have pretty much obliterated my opponents every week except 7, which was bye week hell. A very good friend of mine is struggling to make the playoffs, and I play him this week. He and a guy who is a pretty big douche (cheated on his gf, sexually harrassed another friend) are tied. Do I purposely sandbag so that my friend makes it and the other guy does not?

You play your best team every week, period. The only exception is the final week before the fantasy playoffs: if you can sandbag to keep a dangerous team out of the playoffs, THEN you do it. But Week 9? WAY too early. You never know when your star running back is gonna blow out his ACL. Your friend’s gotta earn it.

And if I don’t sandbag, I’ve got Fred Jackson (v NYJ), Ray Rice (@PIT), Matt Forte (@PHI), and LeSean McCoy (v CHI).

Hold the phone, you have those FOUR running backs? Are you in a six-team league?

Who do I bench? All the Ds are pretty even and I’m overthinking this. And in light of last week, I should be starting Mark Sanchez (@BUF) over Philip Rivers (v GB), right?

How about you trade any of those four top-tier running backs — ALL of whom ALSO get great receiving yards — for a top-flight quarterback? Why do I have to lay this out for you? You’re considering benching LeSean McFuckingCoy and wondering whether to start Sanchez or Rivers. That’s insanity. You should be starting Tom Brady or Drew Brees.

Sex second: Is there a guideline regarding age differences? I’m 21 and a senior in college known for being academically good and socially horrific (Playboy allegedly said we were the ugliest!).

Ooohhh! Lemme guess: a private college in the Northeast. Something respected, but not TOO respected. Something small that churns out performance artists and bull dykes. Brandeis, maybe. Possibly Smith. Or William and Mary.

However, I spent my junior year in Germany, so it was kind of a shock for me to come back to a land where a) good beer is expensive and b) the demographic is half as attractive and twice as awkward. The Germans I hung out with were mainly 25-50 (softball beer league) and the last two guys I dated were 3-4 years older than me. But I’m interested in a guy who’s 29, and I’m wondering if that’s too much when I’m 21, because he’ll have his shit together in a way that I don’t. I don’t actually expect anything to happen in this particular instance, but an opinion for future reference would be nice. I guess my point is if I were 25 and he were 33 it wouldn’t be an issue, so is there a magical age when it seems okay-er? It’s all subjective, isn’t it?
Cheers,
AKA

“Half your age plus seven.” Or, if you’re the younger side of things, “half his age plus seven.” Trust me, it works. It’s why a 29-year-old with a 21-year-old is creepy, but a 33-year-old with a 25-year-old is perfectly reasonable. Only 18? You can date as young as 16 (15? Ew.) You’re a 22-year-old senior? 18-year-old freshmen are fair game. Divorced at 45? You can dip as young as 30.

In your particular case, I can see the appeal of a 29-year-old guy. But as a former 29-year-old guy myself, I wouldn’t be interested in a 21-year-old beyond what she looked like naked. Even if she’s super-cool and mature for her age, all of her friends are in college, and people in college are the FUCKING WORST by the time you approach age 30. I’m sure you’re completely awesome and mentally prepared to date a 29-year-old guy, but the mere fact that your friends are looking for jobs or getting naked in the woods after taking mushrooms or simply living in a world in which they haven’t experienced anything more important than college will be a detriment. A year in Germany is certainly a step in the right direction for perspective and life experience, but you shouldn’t expect it to bridge an eight-year gap.

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Dear Stoppers of Shiva Slumps,
Football first: I’m in first place, 8-0, but it’s an auto-draft league so I can’t take any credit. Actually, I can. I managed to pick up both Newton and Romo after his owner dropped him in frustration, leaving me with essentially 3 of the top 10 fantasy QBs (I drafted Stafford and Cassel, and dropped Brady Amber for Romo). For RBs I have Mcfadden but then was given Tolbert who has been injured dogshit since the first 2 weeks. I’m a lock for the playoffs and may actually sweep the regular season because of an easy division; do I trade Romo for Jahvid Best hoping that he comes back for weeks 17-18? It’s a 10 team league so there are very few teams with bad QBs, but with passing TDs being worth 5pts I feel like I should be able to get at least something for Romo, right? I’m set at WR, so the only place to upgrade is that RB2 spot. I’ve tried dangling Newton and Stafford also but still can’t pry a RB1 from anyone because they know it wouldn’t hurt me at all.

I’d like to answer your question with some questions of my own. Namely, who’s Brady Amber and when did the NFL implement an 18th week into the season?

Sex: My lady friend recently confided to me that she thinks we have the hottest sex when I surprise her and we just throw down on the couch, in the kitchen, wherever horizontal space is most readily available, etc. Is this just an invitation to disaster? How am I supposed to guess what time is the right time and what time is attempted rape?
Danke,
Shane

I’m no expert on the subject, but I’d say any time is the right time unless she says “no.” I’d keep enjoying the primal fucking until she lets you know otherwise.

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Fellow Gentlemen:
Fantasy first: standard scoring Yahoo league and my only respectable WR (Megatron) is on bye. So it’s between Torrey Smith (@PIT) and Arrelious Benn (@NO).

Yeesh. As much as I don’t like Benn’s performance this year, he does lead the team in YPC and Raheem Morris has said that he’s trying to get Benn more looks. Torrey Smith had that monster game against the Rams, but has been even less involved than Benn for the rest of the season. I’d go with Benn.

Sex: I’m a 22-year old college student that’s never gotten past first base and has had two relationships get stuck in the friend zone. I’m in a bad situation to start with as I transferred to this school after completing my gen eds at a two year school (great financial decision), so even after a year at this school (about ~5k-6k students) I’m not well connected with people of either sex (read Drew Magary’s excellent post to get an idea). I’ve tried following your advice regarding reinventing yourself but even then it hasn’t happened. It doesn’t help I was a complete pussy in HS even with the jersey chasers I’d attract during football season (still baffled why anyone wanted an undersized, slow, nerdy backup safety). Considering my situation, what steps would I take on a Friday/Saturday night to go home with a girl, preferably not requiring going to a party since I never get invited (and it feels like a dick move on my part to crash)?
With the best luck on your future marriage cap’n,
– The guy who has no idea what he’s doing with women

That’s tough. Most people — particularly young people — respond warmly to confident extroverts. If you’re not a particularly outgoing person, it’s hard to fake being confident and extroverted. Feeling like an outsider is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, my typical advice isn’t about reinventing yourself. That would mean that you’re trying to be a different person. I recommend that people work to improve themselves. If you work out more and work harder in class and spend your time learning new skills, you’ll feel better about yourself and more confident and people will be drawn to you because you know things and can do things they can’t. And a college gives you plenty of opportunities to do that. You can play club or intramural sports. You can take cooking or wine-tasting classes. There are approximately 800,000 extracurricular student organizations on any college campus; join one or two that fit your interests. Find something you’re remotely passionate about and DO it.

When I was in college, my passions were drinking, the Marine Corps, and Tri-Delts. For you it might be College Republicans or the campus newspaper, I don’t know. But don’t sit on your ass feeling sorry for yourself because people already have established groups of friends.

P.S. Does the rule with office relationships apply to smaller classes in college? Met a fairly attractive international student that I’d like to get to know better but I don’t know if it’s smart or not considering the class is relatively small (about ~30ish)

HELL NO. College classes last, what? 12 weeks? Jobs go on for years and years if you’re lucky. Get up on that foreign ass while she’s in the same class! Haven’t you seen Better Off Dead? American Pie? Foreign exchange students are how awkward weirdos like you get laid!

And as we all know, everything in the real world happens precisely as it does in teen sex comedies. I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!