Matt Schaub: Fellow members of the Houston Chimera, we stand at a crossroads. To date, we have achieved what we set out to do. With a 7-3 record, we are owners of our fate and the top seed in the AFC. Our long-awaited goal of reaching the postseason is finally within our grasp. But you will have to travel the final length of your journey without me.
Andre Johnson: So what? I been hurt for a month and a half. Don’t hear me bellyaching.
Owen Daniels: Come, Brother Goat. That is no way to speak to Dragonhead. In the Chimera, we support one another, as we are all part of the same mystical being.
Andre Johnson: Whatever, Snake Dick. I said I’d go along with this so long as you quit being creepy about it. I thought this was just a nickname thing. You make it seem like a cult.
Owen Daniels: I do not!
Andre Johnson: So why do you have a chimera pendant?
Owen Daniels: Because it looks badass.
Andre Johnson: And the chimera tattoo?
Owen Daniels: Because it looks badass.
Andre Johnson: And how about that time you approached us asking if we should just sew ourselves together like some Human Centipede sh*t?
Owen Daniels: LOOK, I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW IMPORTANT THESE NEXT FEW GAMES ARE! DO YOU WANNA WIN OR NOT?! [Makes hissing noise]
Arian Foster: Hahahaha. Snake Dick doing the hiss again.
Owen Daniels: It’s called staying in character. It works for me. Maybe you could work on your roar sometime, Lion.
Arian Foster: What I look like? Simba?
Andre Johnson: What kind of chimera we got when two of the heads don’t work? That’s one busted-ass chimera.
Matt Schaub: That’s just the thing: maybe we aren’t a chimera anymore.
Owen Daniels: WHAT?
Matt Schaub: I was looking at that “Mystical Monsters” book that Owen-
Owen Daniels: SNAKE DICK
Matt Schaub: … that Snake Dick was carrying around and I came across the hydra. This was a creature that, once you cut off one of its heads, another fresh one sprang up in its place. I thought that that would work perfectly for us since we have to replace all these guys because of injury.
Owen Daniels: BUT I SPENT ALL THAT TIME PERFECTING THE HISS!
Matt Schaub: Well, the hydra is a lizard, too. It probably hisses.
Owen Daniels: IT BETTER!
Matt Schaub: Then it’s settled: no longer are we the Houston Chimera. We are now the Houston Hydra.
Andre Johnson: [Rolls eyes]
[Frat house door flies open]
Matt Leinart: HOLLLLLLA! PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT, BRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH So pumped to be part of the Houston Chromeo. We gonna ride the chillwaves to Playoff City or what? I call first keg stand.
Matt Schaub: We’re not the Chimera anymore. We’re the Hydra now.
Matt Leinart: No way! You brahs smoke the hydro? I knew this joint was more dope than Arizona. Out there, Coach Wiz was, like, harshing my swag at all times. Lemme get my swag on, brahs. That’s all I ask.
Ethically Bankrupt Reporter: I taught this kid everything there is to know about the swagging business.
Matt Leinart: JAY-GLAY! Brah, you got me my swag and you got me swole. I’d MMA with you anytime.
Ethically Bankrupt Reporter: Just say the word, my man.
[The two exchange the most awkward dap in human history]
Matt Leinart: Okay, brahs. I know what you’re thinking: what’s this youngblood fly-ass mofo think he knows about the big show? A lot, actually. I went to a Super Bowl with the Cardinals and even though I spent half the time blackout drunk, I was only really hungover the other half. And let me tell you… that was a sobering experience.
AH-HA-HA! I KNEW YOU’D GET THAT ONE, WILMER VALDERRAMA. HUG IT OUT! Got jokes for days, brah. You coming to the party deck later on? I’ll get you hooked up with a wristband for free drinks. I know the bouncer.
Andre Johnson: I knew we’d find a way to fuck this up again.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.