As much as I’d love to spend five hours formatting and writing careful responses to your sex and fantasy football questions this week, I’m instead going to spend time with my family and gorge myself on turkey and mashed potatoes and bourbon. It’s a big one for me, too: my parents are meeting my future in-laws for the first time. And while the potential for awkwardness looms like a gravy-dipped Sword of Damocles, I feel pretty confident that everyone just wants to get along and be liked. I think it’ll go well. *crosses fingers*

But enough about my boring life. The looming holiday didn’t stem the tide of questions, and we should get to those. And I say “we” because this week I’m giving you the shortest, curtest, and least considerate of answers. So if you want longer advice, seek it out in the comments. (NOTE: KSK does not endorse the advice of its commenters.) I know it’s not much, but it’s all I’m willing to do. Deal with it.

Portrayers of Poop daddy (/Emmitt Smiff’d),
FANTASY: My season was fucked my Jamaaaaal and trading away Purple Jesus to get something that never came back on the other end. Which makes the next part that much more depressing.

Not a question, but thanks for sharing.

RELATIONSHIP: I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for a little over 7 months right now. She’s very cool and actually enjoys watching me watch sport and eat wings, which is a first for humanity. We both moved to the same city and decided to move in together. There have been some issues. I still feel very comfortable with her, and I am very certain this is the girl I’m going to marry. My girlfriend pressed me about whether I check out other girls when I’m around her. I said maybe once. I know that was really stupid, and I told her that no one comes even close to her. We got past that, but she still constantly swipes away at my complements to her, which makes me feel like she thinks I’m just being insincere.

This weekend she went to visit a friend (who is a lesbian, and while cool, loves to joke about stealing her from me) 2 hours away by plane, and as we planned, we talked right before we both went to sleep. I told her about how she and my best friend’s new girlfriend are very similar and that she is really cool and that that I thought they would get along, how much I love her and miss her. I wake up to text her, and she feels a little insecure, with the cause being past issues. She also says she isn’t trying to make something out of nothing.

I tried to call her and talk to her, but her phone is running out of battery and she’s having lunch with her friend. How do I navigate this? I just feel like there is no way forward anymore. I’ve tried to make this work as much as possible, but she just seems to push back every chance she gets.
–Fucked Fucking Fuck Fuck

Break up with the insecure bitch.

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Dearest KSK,
Fantasy: Darren McFadden’s foot sprain (five weeks and counting!) has left me with a running-back stable of DeMarco Murray and little else. So I turn to you for my choice at RB2 for this week. Options are:

1. Jackie Battle (vs. PIT)
2. Roy Helu (@ SEA)
3. Daniel Thomas (@ DAL)

Waiver wire options include Chris Ogobonnaya (@ CIN), Kevin Smith (vs. GB) and, should James Starks not play, Ryan Grant (@ DET). Who’s the best bet out of that mess of awful?

I’d say Helu, but the Seattle D-line is actually pretty decent, especially at home. Go with Kevin Smith and hope he gets some dump-off receiving yardage.

Sex/Relationship: I’m in grad school right now and, about a month after the school year started, got involved with a girl in my class. We’d just gotten out of relationships, and for a month or so, everything was great. But over the last two weeks, we had a number of fights culminating in a huge blowup over the weekend and her telling me, in so many words, to get lost and not to come back. Now we’re not talking or interacting at all, which makes class really awkward. It’s also been really tough because, short-lived as things were, I really did like her and was hoping things could get serious. Any chance of a relationship seems dead, but do you have any suggestions for getting through this shitty, shitty period and maybe repairing things to at least friendship levels?
Muchas gracias,
Jon

Why would you want to be friends with a girl you spent half your time fighting with? That’s stupid.

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Dear KSK,
Really can’t get through a day without ya’ll. aaand…i seriously considered fabricating a fantasy question to insure a response, but the fact is i’ve won my league 6 times over the past ten years, and i’m okay with that. i have a real question! what if, keeping in mind that i am a woman, what if i let myself go, just a little? i KNOW. I know, but i’m successful and i’m good on the inside. so…haven’t i earned it? or is it never okay to be just, average? as my professional life takes off, my priorities are involuntarily shifting. i don’t forsee lacking for companionship and i don’t know why your endorsement matters. but it does. MAYBE.
-Y2K

Go ahead and let yourself go. And enjoy having a less attractive, less successful mate.

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Gentlemen,
Football: My 9-2 team just got rocked by QB injuries. My QBs were Matt Schaub and Jay Cutler. When Schaub went down, I signed Tim Tebow as a backup. Now that Cutler is gone too, I’m seemingly out of options (trade deadline has passed). I signed Colt McCoy, and the only other starting QBs available in free agency are Tavaris Jackson, Grossman, Painter, Ponder, Bradford, and Gabbert. As a Bears fan who named my team Jay Cutler Sucks out of angst from last year’s NFC Championship Game, should I take a chance and sign Caleb Hanie? That Skelton guy from Arizona? One of my friends suggested picking up Houston’s third-string QB for when Leinart inevitably shits the bed. Any general advice on how to proceed would be extremely helpful.

TL;DR. Start Tebow, who’s a great fantasy play.

Sex: A few weeks ago, my house hosted a Halloween party. Long story short, I got hammered, met a mildly attractive woman and about a half hour after meeting her, we went up to my room to hook up. She said she couldn’t have sex because her friend would be looking for her, which was disappointing but not a deal breaker. I started fingering her, but I was so drunk that I accidentally stuck the fingers in her ass instead of the vagina. But she seemed to like it, so I kept going. The next day, I got a lot of shit (no pun intended) from my friends for doing it (though some of it is probably from drunkenly walking around and asking people to smell my fingers to make sure that my suspicions of anal fingering were accurate). I haven’t had the chance to do anything else with this woman (nor will I), so my question is more general: What are your thoughts on anal fingering?
-Should have named my team Johnny Knox Sucks

It’s not for me.

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Dear KSK,
I’m not playing fantasy football this year, but I have a weird relationship question I’d like to get your take on. I have a longtime female friend who is dating a married guy and is in total denial about it, and I can’t make her see the light. She just turned 32, is extremely sheltered, and has been desperate for a BF for a long time. She’s not bad looking, but she is pretty weird, and only lost her virginity like six months ago– and the dude (let’s call him Dickface) she lost it to is the problem. Dickface is a 45-year-old coworker of hers and he lives with and has a kid by a woman who claims to be his wife and uses his last name. The alleged Mrs. Dickface has even emailed my friend repeatedly telling her to stay away from her husband. But Dickface told my friend that Mrs. Dickface is a crazy bitch who he’s been on the outs with for years, that they were never actually married, and that they live separately in neighboring houses, to raise their kid. However, my friend isn’t allowed to call Dickface except while he’s driving to and from their work, has never been to his house, and he will only see her on a single weeknight each week. They’ve been “dating” like this for almost a year. It’s obvious to me that Dickface is a lying douchebag who has no respect for my fragile, naive friend, but she believes him, and every time I try to get her to confront the obvious, she gets really mad at me. How can I wake her up without destroying the friendship?
Thanks,
Pissed at Lothario

If your moron friend doesn’t want your advice, don’t give it to her. Tell her to complain to someone else about her stupid decisions.

NOTE TO EVERYBODY: Have sex before you’re 30, for God’s sake.

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Caveman,
Fantasy first: I started this season on a tear, as the team I drafted of Rodgers, Megatron, McFadden, Wallace, Blount, Tolbert, Britt, Finley, Julio and Felix Jones, and the Ravens D, among others, led my team to fantasy glory and a 5-0 start. Due to various injuries (Britt, McFadden, Blount, the Joneses),players fading after fast starts (Finley, Tolbert, Baltimore), and poor match-ups, I am now 6-5 (although I still lead the league in points), and the possibility exists that I could miss the playoffs, as my last two games are against the two guys in 1st and 2nd in the other division. Considering all the of the shit that I talked early on in this league full of high school friends, not even making the playoffs would be disastrous. They’ve been piling on now and giving it back to me, and it is humiliating. My question is two-fold: 1) in the event of a worst-case scenario that involves me missing the playoffs, how much am I allowed to complain about having the highest overall point total and still missing out? and 2) in the event of a comeback that sees the aforementioned guys (plus Rice, Crabtree, Tate, and Helu) take me back to the promised land and win the championship, how much am I allowed to dole back out? I would feel like some Ruxin-esque level of shit talk would be necessary, because the general consensus is I’m the Ruxin of our group anyway. Our group’s version of Andre talks the most shit to me, which is absolutely infuriating. I’m also the commissioner, and the league provides .5 PPR and modest bonuses for yardage, as if that matters in the scope of this question.

Don’t talk so much shit, jackass.

Sexytime: I graduated from college in May and started a great job with a major bank in August, moving out to my current market in October. I’ve struggled to acclimate myself to life in the new city because I’m the youngest person in my office by 15 years, and I don’t really know anyone here. Further complicating the issue here is that I’m only a little over an hour away from my college town, where I went on the best hot streak of my life this summer. I know going out and hitting the college bars (and girls) back there isn’t much of a strategy for meeting someone(s) in my new city, but how would you suggest weening myself away from old pastures when I haven’t really been able to connect with anyone here? And how long am I allowed to keep going back there on the weekends before people stop even believing that I have a real job?
Looking for Old Glory in New Places,
Trill

Eh, go back to college and get college tail for as long as you can. You’ll eventually feel that you’re too old to be doing that, probably when you hear a college student making fun of you. Then you can start acting like an adult and making friends with other grown-ups.

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Dear Guys Wiser Than I …
FANTASY: Due to these “harsh economic times, etc.” my league is only $20. Better than nothing. I’ve been commish for several years, but the last couple I’ve had a guy who’s been kinda late on paying up. As in, he waited until after the season was over once before and said, “just take it out of my winnings.” This year, he still hasn’t paid up. Barring some kind of miraculous turnaround on his part and sweeping failure from everyone ahead of him, he’s not making the playoffs. When should I be asking this guy for his $20? I don’t want to be a dick about it, but when I hate waiting for money when I’m the commish, even if it is $20. He’s not going to be invited back next season.

Punch him in the gut and take it out of his wallet.

SEX: No nice way to put it: my sexual desire for my wife is near extinct. We’ve only been married two years. I’m just over 30 and she’s still in her mid-20s.

When I first met her, she was about 5’4″ and weighed about 135/140. I’m a fan of curves, love Christina Hendricks, all that stuff… The sex was constant. When we got married, she’d gone up to about 170. (It had been creeping up that whole time.) After the beginning of the year, she hit 200 pounds.

And to avoid confusion or be cast as a “fat guy who thinks his wife is the problem” I’m about 5’11″ and have managed to hover around 165 the last several years. I know I could use more time in the gym myself.

We used to go to one gym that she didn’t like because she felt too self-conscious, so we changed and started going to a local YMCA. She still rarely went. About five months ago, we got her a personal fitness coach who told her what to eat and when, how often to workout, etc. I started eating the same stuff as her so she wouldn’t feel weird. She lost around 35 pounds in that time frame. When her time with the guy ran out, we couldn’t really afford to shell out the kinda bucks for her to keep seeing him. So she’s started to tack on some of the weight again. She’s up around 180 now.

She’s also picked up smoking again, despite my protests. And she doesn’t seem to take her health as seriously as I do. Whenever I talk to her about it, she usually fires back that she’s never going to get all skinny and look like Marissa Miller or whoever. I think that’s a cop out. I don’t want another woman, I want my wife to be in the best health she can be, but it’s to the point where I don’t trust her to take care of herself. Her weight problems are going to be a major issue if/when we try to have kids, but we won’t be able to have kids because I’m not going to want to have sex with her. And how can I trust she’ll be able to care for children if she can’t care for her own physical well-being?

The few times we do have sex is whenever I wake up in the middle of the night and sex her up while we’re both half asleep. That’s not a love life.

Am I being an asshole, cause I feel like one for getting grossed out by my wife’s appearance. Is it wrong to want your spouse to look good and take care of themselves?
Sincerely,
The Thrill is Going…Going…GONE!

Man, am I glad I’m not putting effort into responses today, because this would have had me working different angles for the better part of the afternoon. But really, it comes down to two things:

1. Everything you said is absolutely correct. Your wife’s laziness is disgusting, and nothing would please me more than seeing R. Lee Ermey yell at her for 16 hours a day until she lost that weight.

2. On the other hand, there’s that whole “for better or for worse” parts of your wedding vows. Welcome to “worse.” I refer you to the animated GIF at the top of the post.

LEARNING POINT FOR EVERYONE ELSE: At some point before marriage, it’s smart to ensure that you and your partner stand on common ground when it comes health/physical appearance as the years move forward. It’s a discussion that carries the same kind of importance as “Do we want kids and if so, how many?” and “Where do we want to be in ten/twenty/thirty years?”