When we last left pickled testicle-eater Peter King, he was giving you the UNVARNISHED truth that he isn’t quite sure who the second-best team in the NFL is. Maybe the Niners. MAYBE. Also, with the Colts at 0-9, I thought it would be a good time to bring up this little King nugget from September:

Is there any way the Colts could be bad enough to be in the Andrew Luck derby on draft day? Very unlikely…

But if the Colts finish 2-14 (and that has a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of happening)…

I enjoy hindsight because it allows me to make fun of stupid people.

So what about this week? Who else shares Tom Dimitroff’s backbone? Will Peter taste Tecate again for the first time? READ ON.

This may be the week offense came down to earth, and the league got back on its axis of normalcy.

Ah yes, the Axis of Normalcy! Led by Axis Chairman Matt Schaub, who leads the league in such non-weirdness!

(RE: Giants/Pats) It’s eerie. Way too eerie.

Oh no! The Axis has been thrown off once more!

Super Bowl 42: David Tyree hauls in the highly unlikely Velcro Catch with Rodney Harrison in close coverage. Gain of 32. First and 10 at the Patriots’ 24. Fifty-nine seconds left, timeout Giants.

Sunday in Foxboro: Jake Ballard hauls in a one-handed catch, bending back with Tracy White in close coverage. Gain of 28. First and 10 at the Patriots’ 33. Fifty-nine seconds left, clock running.

JAKE FACKIN’ BALLARD JUST MADE THE LUCKIEST CATCH IN THE LEGENDARY HISTORY OF BRUINS NATION! DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW WHO THIS CAWKFACE IS? IF YOU AHH NAWT A MAHHHQUEE PLAYAH, THAT CATCH SHOULD NAWT COUNT!

What made this Giant drive so interesting…

And more than interesting, COMPELLING.

– and, in some ways, tougher for Manning — is that it came on the road instead of a neutral field

Imagine how much easier that drive would have been… IN WICHITA.

You could just see the way Miami was playing that they wouldn’t be the last team standing for Andrew Luck come April. It’s not the way Tony Sparano is wired.

I know! Usually, Tony Sparano is wired to call four timeouts per half and wander around the team facility with his head in his hands. But for losing? NOT A CHANCE.

I’ve said all along the Dolphins wouldn’t be in the running for Luck, because they’re just too competitive.

I know! And at 1-7, I think we can safely say there’s a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of them somehow falling back behind the Colts. THEY ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE IN GAMES.

Most Interesting Man of The Week: Juan Castillo.

“I don’t normally call defenses, but when I do, I prefer zone coverage and poorly timed blitzes.”

Castillo’s hidden way to bring a unit of talented players performing in a dysfunctional way together?

You guessed it: MANDATORY COAT AND TIE.

Last summer, I got a call from a movie publicist friend of mine who asked if I’d like to come onto the set of an interesting movie being filmed in a suburb of Boston.

FILM DIRECTOR: Hey, this craft service table is lacking cookies and Gatorade!

PR PERSON #1: I know just the person to rectify this.

“Rex Ryan’s in it,” he said. “I think you’d like it…” So I went over to the Lynn, Mass., site where the movie “I Hate You, Dad” was being filmed… The idea of the movie is that Adam Sandler’s a former child star who’s blown all his money.

And so he’s forced to work undercover as girl! At a summer camp! And then the head of the camp makes him adopt a baby! And then Rob Schneider shows up because he needed a job!

Rex is a seedy lawyer…

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, JURY?!

— his name is Jim Nance —

O ho ho! I like it because Jim Nantz is a prick.

…with Sandler his client, and Ryan’s job in his scene is to tell Sandler he hasn’t been paying taxes, and now he owes the IRS $43,000.

And that, to make up the debt, he now has to go undercover AS A PUPPY! KRAYZEE!

Sandler’s a movie machine, obviously.

I know! How can one make that many half-assed comedies that are thinly-disguised travel junkets in a single year?

As I was leaving, I saw Sandler and told him what his next movie should include.

“Here’s my pitch, Adam: Nard Dog is a popular online sportswriter who’s a little bit obsessive over coffee. Well one day, ol’ Nardy accidentally steps into a time portal and finds himself in NAZI GERMANY! How does Nardy stop the Third Reich while managing to steal as much of their delicious coffee as possible? I think the answer will surprise and delight you.”

“Belichick and Brady, playing big Jets fans in Manhattan,” I said. “Now that would draw an audience.”

So true. People love seeing athletes act!

“I’ll give it some thought,” Sandler said.

If you’ve seen “Big Daddy,” you know what a lie that is.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked if I should do more looking-back-at-history items.

NO! DON’T DO IT! Hasn’t history suffered enough?

In email and Twitter responses, the answer was an overwhelming yes.

What is WRONG with you people?

(Phil) Simms was incredulous when the question about Manning’s questionable arm strength was posed. “His arm’s plenty good. You know how many times Drew Bledsoe really aired it out last year? I mean, 50, 60 yards in the air? Five. Ten, maybe. In the NFL, you make your living throwing the intermediate pass, and look at how many good intermediate throws we’re seeing Peyton make.”

Oh, is this the same Phil Simms who just bitched last week about Andrew Luck’s arm strength? Phil Simms is retarded.

You rarely see Troy Polamalu emote negatively on the field, but when Flacco threw the winning touchdown bomb to Torrey Smith, I was surprised to see Polamalu throw his arms up and act upset.

He just lost the fucking game. Are you really that shocked?

All of Pittsburgh follows his lead.

“Oh I see! We should feel sad that we lost now!”

Thomas Dimitroff boarded the charter home from Indy with a little puff in the chest.

A chest he shares with Scott Pioli.

Throw the stats out the window (20-39, 250 yards, two touchdowns, one pick). I couldn’t care less if Manning completed 20 of 139 at Foxboro. In the last seven minutes of a football game that closely resembled a Stieg Larsson thriller…

Wait, Eli was RAPED at the end of the game yesterday?

Coach of the Week

Baltimore coach John Harbaugh. He and brother Jim are a combined 13-3 this year. (I guess they can coach.)

O ho ho! Something tells me that these two winning coaches are gonna make a name for themselves one day!

MVP Watch

Friday on our NFL preview show on Versus (shameless plug: “NBC SportsTalk,” 6-7 p.m., Fridays), Florio put Peyton Manning fifth.

NAIL HIM! No, really. Take some nails and hammer them into him.

3. Tom Brady, QB, New England. On pace to pass Dan Marino’s all-time yardage record, comfortably.

Deservedly. HANDSOMELY.

Text Message of the Week

“I want to die. This feeling feels like death. Nothing else can describe this. The pain is that bad.”

– Pittsburgh Phil, Phil Gennaro, a friend of mine and a 41-year-old claims adjuster from Monroeville, east of Pittsburgh, leaving Heinz Field early this morning. He went on to text that today “will be miserable. I will have to deal with angry people, all because of this game.”

Phil, if you recall, was the not-at-all-braindead fellow who prays to a picture of Dan Rooney on his iPhone. On a related note, I hope all Steelers fans get e. coli and die.

I got this week’s idea for Stat of the Week from a reader, Adam Null, of Westmont, Ill… (And just a note here: It’s great to have smart fans throwing me suggestions like this. I never would have thought of this…

Because I’m stupid! Adam even knows who DeMarco Murray is! WHAT A COUNTRY.

Prior to Sunday’s road game against Washington, the 49ers had their Saturday morning walk-through practice at a field at the Marine Barracks in southeast Washington.

As a city to hold walk-through practices in, we underrate Washington.

Ohio University’s first eight football games of the year were played on Saturdays. The last four fall, in chronological order, on a Wednesday, Thursday, Wednesday and Tuesday.

OMG! Those are, like, FOUR other days! THIS IS MADNESS! Even the Bruins and Canucks didn’t have this kind of whirlygig schedule!

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 9:

l. Tim Tebow’s 2-1.

THAT TOTALLY MEANS HE’S A GOOD QB NOW. With a little luck, Tim Tebow could win the AFC West!

m. Top three receivers in football: Wes Welker, Darren Sproles, Jimmy Graham. Who had that trifecta in the office pool?

Please note: Those are the top three players in terms of receptions this year. They are not the top three overall receivers, unless you’re Gregggg Easterbrook and you like white players and/or players with size abnormalities.

o. Jerry Reese’s architecture job with the Giants.

Great architecturing, Jerry.

As for the future of Joe Paterno, the status of a football coach who should have retired long ago is not foremost on my mind with this story.

I’m sorry, but whether or not the most decorated college football coach in history will lose his job and have his legacy destroyed by harboring a child rapist is SO not the angle I’m interested in. My real question is: How does this scandal affect the Red Sox in 2012?

But if he in any way attempted to either look the other way or influence the outcome of any investigation in Sandusky’s behavior (and there is no evidence he did)…

Actually, there’s quite a bit of evidence of the former.

7. I think DeAngelo Williams’ season is a mystery. He’s not hurt, but he’s averaging only nine carries a game, and Jonathan Stewart and Cam Newton are equal rushing threats.

Pretty sure you just solved your own mystery. Why is DeAngelo’s production down? It can’t be the fact that he has a capable backup and a gifted running QB, can it?!

c. OMG! Pam pregnant!

I can’t believe it, except that she was pregnant on “The Office” before and now they’re just rehashing storylines!

d. I mean, I caught 10 minutes of The Office the other night.

AT LAST! America exhales.

f. Good luck in the job, Ben Cherington.

SEE YOU AT AMANDA BOWERS’ WEDDING!

One piece of advice, and the only one, and one you probably don’t need to hear…

Nothing beats someone giving you advice and prefacing it by telling you it’s useless. May I make a pointless suggestion, good sir?

…from a Red Sox season-ticket holder (with others): Don’t take lightly the anger of the fans over this players-drinking-during-games issue.

Are you fucking joking? Really? Hey bud, I know you have to build a roster and retool your farm system and spend the next few years picking up the pieces of aN epic organizational collapse, but the most important part of your job will be to KEEP SHOCK TOP OUT OF THE CLUBHOUSE.

Not acceptable under any circumstances.

WE SIMPLY DON’T TOLERATE DRINKING HERE IN BOSTON.

I can tell you from the fans I know well and talk to, this is still very much an open wound…

THE FRIED CHICKEN STINGS LIKE BUCKNAH!!!!

…and you would be smart to not ignore it.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. I want to pull my own spinal cord out.

Other than some CYA words from John Henry on the radio, the team has done an awful job of addressing the stories of players not taking their jobs seriously enough. You, or someone of great importance there, need to understand it’s not going away.

WE WILL HOLD A TOWN HALL MEETING TO DISCUSS THIS FURTHER.

I mean it when I say good luck. You come highly recommended.

Maybe you can have a seat at our history table and share our Kit Kats. IF WE LIKE YOU.

Old buddy Brian Hyland went to the two private Springsteen shows in Pittsburgh over the weekend (to raise money for wounded servicemen) and filed this series of texts to me: “In the Soldiers & Sailors Hall, in the Oakland section of Pittsburgh, the backyard of a tiny home where an NFL legend named Marino was taught by his steelworker pop how to throw a football better than anyone ever has, in a building built at the turn of the 20th century, the granite halls surrounding the stage exhibit glass-enclosed renderings of the American soldier as he looked in each war this nation has fought.”

I see that Peter’s buddies write sentences just as poorly as he does. This man’s syntax is a disease, people. It will kill you, the way it killed Tom Dimitorff’s father, the same whose funeral was held in that same burg that once held the barebones of another dead man whose father was also a Belichick, and now.

h. Why don’t I get those assignments?

Yes, poor you. You only get to cover the NFL for five months a year and get paid a fortune for it. IF ONLY YOU HAD BEEN LUCKIER.

i. A huge thank you to the hotel where NBC housed me for the last couple of years on NFL weekends, the Omni Berkshire Place on Fifth and 52nd. Great hotel.

But what of the free coffee?

Friendly but not obtrusive staff…

Sign outside PK’s hotel room door: DO NOT DISTURB. COLON CLEANSING IN PROGRESS.

…and comfy, quiet rooms. I’ll be back to say hi.

Who goes back to a hotel to say hi?

PETER: Hi! I’m just back to say hello!

CLERK: Uh…

PETER: God, remember when I used to call you and ask you to fax my boss my expense report? Treasured memories.

j. Coffeenerdness: Now, on the homestretch of writing this column, I get to brew my own Starbucks Italian roast for the last 1,000 words or so. Believe me, I need it then.

You really need to be awake and alive when you’re throwing out nonsensical messages to Red Sox management.

k. Beernerdness: Tried the Captain Lawrence Pumpkin Ale the other day. Not my style. I want a pumpkin ale with a heavy bite of pumpkin, not a faint taste.

This tastes too much like beer! PTOOEY!