BY GAWWW, he did it. Or maybe He did it. Because this was clearly a work of a higher power. That being DERPAXUS, the troll deity of all media. Even with the religious overtones present with every Tebow game, a lot of people attributed the comeback drive to magic. No matter that I’m pretty sure magic is a concept that Tim Tebow would find sacrilegious and grounds for death by burning.

For most of tonight, this was a game for quarterback atheism. So much of the coverage of football is fixated on the cult of the quarterback. Of course the position is important to a degree that we mistake it for almighty, but when you have a game that pits Mark Sanchez against Tim Tebow, that’s not the case at all. They’re both so very, very horrid. It’s like the quote from that self-loathing Cleveland fan video. Think of Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees. It’s like they’re not even playing the same sport as them. At least Tebow still has the excuse of relative inexperience as an NFL starter. Nacho, well…


Yeah.

How could this game not become about defense and field position? Until the Jets picked a bad time for a sellout blitz up the gut and Tebow galumphed his way into the end zone in the final minute, the only touchdowns of the game had been scored by Broncos defensive back Andre Goodman and Jets guard Matt Slauson. Doesn’t sound like a game where stellar QB play figures heavily. Sure, Sanchez had a pretty high completion percentage, but that’s the virtue of hurling nothing but dumpoffs and slants to receivers that happen to be wide open.

Each quarterback had one good drive in them. The best you could say about Tebow is that he had good timing. Yeah, that’s the “magic” of Tebow, that he waits until the last possible moment to pull competency out of his ass. Whether it’s clutch or dumb luck probably depends on how much you like him.

It’s obvious I don’t much care for the guy and a lot of the reason for that is because he turns otherwise reasonably intelligent people into brainsharting spongewits. I used to think Mike Mayock was a somewhat insightful announcer with an unfortunate lisp. But did you see him break out the fanboy TEBOWBALL meathead rhapsody, a style once only reserved for the likes of Favre. Look, Brittfar was obnoxious, but the Land Baron was a legit elite quarterback for a considerable stretch of his career. Tim Tebow has been a vocally pious 2000 season Trent Dilfer for a month. How did he get fasttracked to legend who can do no wrong?

And did you hear Eisen after the game? I mean, watch the clip all the way through for Deion’s amusing Emmitt-esque butchering of the language, but let’s focus on Eisen’s assholery for now.

“I think we’ve reached the point where we should stop mentioning his stat line, correct?”

NO. NOT FUCKING CORRECT. IN FACT, IT IS THE VERY INVERSE OF CORRECT. I DARE SAY INCORRECT, YOU GREAT HONKING ASSCLOWN. AT NO POINT SHOULD WE IGNORE THINGS LIKE STATS AND MEASURABLE INDICATORS OF PERFORMANCE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SEPARATES US FROM “SCOREBOARD!” SCREAMING RETARDS. I’M SORRY THAT INCONVENIENTLY MEDIOCRE STATS MUDDY THE PICTURE PERFECT DISNEY NARRATIVE YOU WANT TO SPRAY ON OUR FACES, BUT I REFUSE. NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN.

Fuck.

Let me just go watch this Bart Scott hit for a few hours.