Oh yeah, that’s a great “idea,” guys. Definitely something you should buy for your “loved” ones this Christmas. Or “Hanukkah,” or whatever. These “kate spade” mittens are a “great value” at $65 (via “Buzzfeed“).

I showed these to my wife and she loved them immediately. Then I told here who made them and how much they cost. It didn’t deter her one bit. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as grounds for divorce, or possibly even annulment.

Last week: 4-8-1
Overall: 54-56-2

Atlanta -7 at Indianapolis

The Falcons have never won in Indianapolis. That right there is your meaningless trend of the week.

New York Jets +1 at Buffalo

Only because the Jets can’t afford to lose this week. Slap those asses extra hard, Rex.

Cleveland at Houston -11

If I were Peyton Hillis I would be shooting myself up with every steroid I could find. He’s well on his way to screwing himself out of any kind of a decent extension, his only hope is to have a huge second half. I’d say it’s worth the risk of getting caught.

Miami at Kansas City -4

The Chiefs and Bengals are both on the verge of a five-game winning streak. Didn’t see that coming.

San Francisco -3.5 at Washington

A condom company sends out a box full of their products to whichever quarterback takes the most sacks in a given week. This time the honor goes to John Beck who was sacked 10 times against Buffalo. That’s like sending canned ham to a Jew. We have a faint understanding of what it is, but would never dare use it.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans -8

I wish my grocery store sold Joe Horn’s barbecue sauce. I also wish my grocery store was called Breaux Mart. Seems like a chill store.

Seattle at Dallas -11.5

Good news, Cowboys. You probably won’t lose by four touchdowns this week. Probably.

Denver at Oakland -8

Cincinnati +2 at Tennessee

The Bengals have the second best run defense in the league. If Mike Shanahan were to be fired, I wouldn’t mind having Mike Zimmer coach my team.

New York Giants at New England -9

Maybe if Ahmad Bradshaw was healthy. Maybe.

St. Louis +1 at Arizona

“Meh.”

Green Bay -5.5 at San Diego

I would have also accepted Green Bay +anything.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh -3

I think I’d rather have an undeniably shitty quarterback like John Beck than a guy like Joe Flacco who is just barely good enough to keep his team from pursuing a replacement. Does that make any sense? Probably not. Does John Beck make me want to watch Red Zone channel? Of course. Does Peter King think Flacco is on the verge of putting it all together? POSSIBLY. Have I been drinking? No, I make my picks sober like some kind of asshole.

Chicago at Philadelphia -7.5

Monday Night Football’s big chance to not totally suck. They’ll fuck it up. Just watch. The Bears will give the ball to Matt Forte on 10 straight offensive plays, after which he will take off his pads and refuse to reenter the game until he has a new contract. All the while Jon Gruden will talk in that affected voice of his as if sounding like a pretend cowboy* is the most natural thing in the world. Fuck that guy and the horse he pretended to ride in on.

*credit to Steve Czaban who accurately describes it as a John Wayne impression