Behold, The Fatplate!

It’s actually called the Bravo Sports Blacktop 360 Premium Party Hub Grill (concise!), and it’s your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week (Uncrate via reader Randy). This bad boy of tailgating does it all, from frying up wings to searing steaks at 650 degrees inches away. That seems very safe, and I’ll happily put that theory to the test if they send me a free one (eh? ehhh?).

On to the picks!

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 61-63-2

Oakland at San Diego -7

Just to be clear, the former FBI agent quoted in this Sally Jenkins column isn’t calling Norv Turner a pedophile, he’s just saying he wishes Norv Turner was a pedophile.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati +3

The first of many three-ish point spreads this week. Your office pool is going to be a bloodbath.

Denver at Kansas City -3.5

Jacksonville at Indianapolis +3

Fuck it, I’d take them straight up. This is the week when they begin to fuck themselves out of Luck. Please?

Buffalo +5.5 at Dallas

I will be praying for David Nelson to get in the endzone. His girlfriend is a Cowboys cheerleader, and he’s considering working her in to his celebration. I vote for a proper motorboating. Definitely worth the fine, even if he’s only making $400k this year.

Houston -3.5 at Tampa Bay

Watch Albert Haynesworth fall down trying to tackle Arian Foster. Then watch him get up (slowly) and fall down pretending to try to tackle Ben Tate. So much work. Somebody get him a sandwich.

Tennessee +3.5 at Carolina

I’d care a lot more if they were playing on an air craft carrier.

Washington +4 at Miami

I’m calling the push. John Beck is who the Dolphins beat writer thought he was.

New Orleans +1 at Atlanta

Oh, Saints. You can all go fuck yourselves. Such a bunch of cock teases. But I can’t stay away. Every time I think about picking the Falcons I’m flooded with visions of Jimmy Graham and Darren Sproles catching pass after pass. It’s the offense John Beck was born to run in to the ground.

St. Louis at Cleveland -3

I’ve already put far too much thought in to this game. I’m done.

Arizona at Philadelphia

Finally, a chance for Kevin Kolb to show the Eagles they were absolutely right to trade his sorry ass. You know, if he plays. Nobody has this game listed. Remind me to come back and make a pick on Sunday morning.

Baltimore at Seattle +7

Detroit +3 at Chicago

The only way we’ll be spared a Nickelback performance at halftime of the Lions Thanksgiving game is if the lead singer calls Billy Crystal a fag. My understanding of popular culture runs deep.

New York Giants at San Francisco -3

Everybody seems to be giving their midseason coach of the year award to Jim Harbaugh. That’s pretty dumb. Not because he’s an offensive guy coaching a very average offense, but because midseason awards are a very baseball thing to do.

New England at New York Jets -1

If you kiss the clock at 11:11 what do you do on 11/11/11? Jerk off on a calendar, that’s what.

Minnesota at Green Bay -14

Via

Even a pug in a mug knows you take Green Bay -X against the Vikings.