Social Worker: I know this is hard for you right now, Danny.
Danny: It’s okay, ma’am. It was ten years ago. I’m a grown man now. I’m doing fine. Frankly, I wish everyone would stop going around feeling sorry for me. I just want to live my life, get my law degree, and put this all behind me.
Social Worker: Denial is a very dangerous thing, Danny. You need to confront your past.
Danny: I did. That’s why I’m here right now.
Social Worker: You need to acknowledge that something terrible happened between you and Coach Sandusky.
Danny: I did. I’ve talked about it with my mother on many occ…
Social Worker: YOU WERE RAPED.
Danny: Yes, thank you. I know that.
Social Worker: I’ve brought in someone to help you with grapple with the BRUTAL and IRREVERSIBLE crime done to you.
Danny: Again, that’s not necessary. I’m fine. In fact, I have a class I really need to…
(door flies open)
Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU!!!!!! You fackin’ Penn State quee-ahs like to sit around feelin’ sawrry far yarselves, do you?! YOU DO NAWT KNOW THE SUFFERING OF AFFLECK NATION!
(obsessively rolls brim of old, disgusting Red Sox hat)
Social Worker: Tommy here can help you, Danny. He understands grief. He’s a Red Sox fan.
Tommy: I’M A FACKIN’ RED SAWX FAN!
Danny: I don’t see how this helps me…
Tommy: SHUT YOUR-AH FACKIN’ SHOWAH-HOLE!!! Oh, these are dahkkk times, my friend! Dahkah than a home without NESN! Why, it was just this past spring when pitchahs and catchahs were-ah reparting and the legendary BAWSTON fans were prepay-ahed to witness yet anothah DWAMINANT title run! America was excited for us! We were-ah awll a little more-ah innocent back then. And now? Tito: GAWNE! Epstein: GAWNE! Papelbawn: GAWNE! Did you enjoy the Papelbawn Era, Danny? I have a ruling on the Papelbawn Era if you’d like to hear it.
(breaks down Eddie Murphy’s career using pitching stats)
Danny: I’m going to leave now.
Tommy: YOU SIT THEY-AHHHH AND EAT SHIT! You think your-ah life is soooo hahhhd because some old man rammed you in the boycunt? You ahhh still nawt as hahhhhd as the toughest fans in sparts! Let me tell you what I have survived, my friend: Bucknah. Boone. Bucky fackin’ Dent!
Danny: You weren’t alive when Bucky De…
Tommy: I WAS ALIVE IN SPIRIT! But I have deepah trawmas, Danny. Yes. I too, have been the victim of an abusah! I have nevah told this story to anyone before-ah, but now I will tell you just to show you what a whiny faggot you ahhhh.
(flashback to 1994)
(the locker room at the Quinzee YMCA)
Little Tommy: (staring in mirror) Look at these fackin’ biceps! Butch Hawbson won’t be able to deny these fackin’ bis!
(locker room door flies open)
Suspicious Old Man: Hmm. You DID get a good pump there, young man.
Little Tommy: GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ RIGHT! One day, I’m gawnna play far the Red Sawx!
Suspicious Old Man: Not the Patriots?
Little Tommy: The fack is a Patriot?
Suspicious Old Man: What’s your name?
Little Tommy: Tommy, but my friends call me NUTCRUSHAH.
(waits in record store line for Korn’s debut album)
Suspicious Old Man: You’re a very special young boy, Tommy. Did you know that? I’ve been watching you work out and I think you’ve got a lot of ability. May I feel those biceps?
Little Tommy: FACK YEAH YOU CAN! Feel that shit! Jenny O’Reilly said I was the strongest guy who evah fingahblasted her!
Suspicious Old Man: (feels) Ah, yes. Very good. But it’s one thing to be strong and another to have FIGHTING strength.
Little Tommy: I can fight! I hit a black with can openah last week!
Suspicious Old Man: Well, let’s see how you do against a worthy opponent. (takes off shirt) Come on. Let’s do this.
Little Tommy: Awll right.
Suspicious Old Man: (puts Tommy in a headlock) Try getting out of this!
Little Tommy: Fack you! NUTCRUSHAH WILL PREVAIL!
Suspicious Old Man: Tommy, I’d like to try something with you. May I try something with you?
Little Tommy: Let me go!
Suspicious Old Man: (takes out Yankees hat) I’d just… I’d just like you to try this on. Just for a moment.
Little Tommy: Wait a second. THE FACK IS THIS?!
Suspicious Old Man: I’m gonna put this on you.
Little Tommy: No! I don’t wanna! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!
Suspicious Old Man: It can be our little secret.
(puts Yankees hat on Tommy)
Little Tommy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(back to the present)
Tommy: (choked up) Little Nutcrushah died that day. AND HE NEVAH CAME BACK.
Danny: A guy put a fucking hat on you?
Tommy: A FACKIN’ FAGGOT EVIL EMPIRAH HAT! A CRIME WORSE THAN MURDAHHHHHH!!!! It changed my life forevah! You know the shame I feel when I show up at the Cathedral of Baseball, knowing my harrible secret?
Danny: I’m leaving.
Tommy: FACK YOU! You will sit they-ah and you will mahhhvel at my ability to ovahcome adversity! I survived the Yankee attack. I survived Bucknah. I survived a cameljawckey family moving in down the street. I survived Len Bias! I survived Super Bowl Farty Two, featuring the LUCKIEST PLAY EVAH! I survived this NBA lawckout, even though AMERICA wawnted Pawl fackin’ Pierce to have one last shawt at a title! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I survived it all, and look at the Tawmstah now! STILL GAWT THE BICEPS!!
Danny: You’re the worst person I’ve ever met. EVER. Even Sandusky was better than you.
Tommy: EAT SHIT! No one cay-ahhhs about your-ah little cawllege football village or-ah your-ah old wawp coach! Your-ah lucky all those kids gawt Grady Littled! It’s the only way anyone pays attention to you! America still grieves fahhhh Pedroiah and curses the fried chicken that tore the Sawx apahhhhht!
I want more like this!
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