Did you know that Ray Lewis is America? It true. He embodies the best and worst within us all. Look at the way he hams it up during the anthem. That’s so goddamn American, whether he’s doing it out of pure patriotism or whether affecting said patriotism will make him seem more virtuous to people who need to view Ray Lewis as virtuous despite all that bad stuff he did. It doesn’t matter. Just freeze dry it, add a ton of sodium and sell it for $3 at Wal-Mart next to TGI Friday’s home dinners. Serves America.

Did you know that Ray Lewis calls his team’s offensive plays? It’s true. Cris Collinsworth said so. He’s become so bored with simply being a superstar linebacker that the Ravens have ceded play-calling duties to him. Why not? Cam Cameron sucks anyway. Those bombs to Torrey Smith the other week? All Ray-Ray. He also adopted a daring attack that would prevail despite Joe Flacco not completing a pass in either the second or third quarters. HE’S JUST TOYING WITH US NOW!

And Nacho is Mexico, clearly. You can see it right there on his mouth piece. He is a simple hard-working unskilled laborer who will grind himself to the bone doing the job that no one in the world wants to do (Jets quarterback). But that’s not enough to beat America. No, not yet. Not until he can breed himself into the majority (your teenage daughter).