When we last Continally Almost Done It Bowl chairman Peter King, he was pining for the days when coaches wore suits and were far less confrontational. You know, like when Woody Hayes coached. He was also strolling the Meadowlands (who does that? It’s like voluntarily hanging out at Penn Station), talking to his coffee, and chasing all the best wildfire stories of the day. WILDFIRE STORIES HAVE HEAT.
So what about this week? Who’s the most underappreciated famous NFL player this week? Will Steve Serby tweet yet another gem of a pun? (“Rex Ryan, say hello to Plax flyin!!!”) In the words of teens everywhere, READ ON.
Week 7 stories I love:
-Bob Hohler’s story about Terry Francona possibly having diaper rash. SUPERB REPORTING, SIR.
-Rangers GM Jon Daniels’ gutty decision to stick with Josh Hamilton through thick and semi-thin.
-The coffee at Alterra. Totally lacking in bitterness.
Week 7 stories I don’t know quite how to describe:
-Who the Giants are
Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer and Hue Jackson. (Or was that Vince Evans and Billy Joe Hobert and Mike White?) Zero touchdowns, six interceptions to go along with a Raidery 14 penalties and two fumbles.
Colts hitting rock bottom, then going deeper to find a new level of embarrassment.
THERE IS NO LEVEL BELOW ROCK BOTTOM. THAT IS WHY IT’S CALLED ROCK BOTTOM. You may as well have said that the Colts gave -10% last night.
Tebow… you saw it.
Surely, you witnessed THE COMING.
You must have.
Surely, you didn’t miss out on a game between two awful teams that was unbearable for three hours.
Third-string for 53 minutes, transcendent for seven.
Born in a filthy manger. No crib for a bed. And then, 53 minutes later, BEYONCE-LIKE.
You can’t stop Tebowmania. You can only hope to contain it.
It’s Chaosville in Tebowland with all this Tebowmania! You can feel the reverberations all the way to Fall Foliageville!
That wasn’t a football game in south Florida.
It was THE LORD GIVING YOU A HANJ.
It was a movie.
Dude, if that was a movie, it was “Raw Deal,” because “Raw Deal” also sucked for most of its running time. Right until Arnold put on all his guns and started fucking shit up.
I have four thoughts about Tebow 18, Miami 15:
1. Two words: Jeterish. Clearly.
b. POP THE BUBBLY, JOHN FOX
iii. Somewhere in St. Louis, Josh McDaniels is smiling because HE HAS TOTALLY BEEN VINDICATED.
4a. This game needed more Funkhauser.
I’m sure this is because Tebow hasn’t given offensive coordinator Mike McCoy and coach John Fox reason to think he’s ready to play an Aaron Rodgers, bombs-away type of game, but that was the most conservative, buttoned-up gameplan Denver had for most of the game.
Way to go, John Fox and Mike McCoy. You nearly killed Baby Jesus by corking the Virgin Mary’s uterus.
A win’s a win, but I thought the Broncos were to the right of Michele Bachmann in the game.
“I do not like the idea of illegal broncos running around freely in our country and giving our little girls pussy cancer.”
Love the fact (Tebow) had the presence of mind (assist to Urban Meyer) and felt good enough about the offense, and confident enough, that he audibled from a run left to a run right when he sensed two linebackers creeping up from the left on the two-point conversion. There was actually only one.
Loved the fact that he actually read the defense incorrectly while making a fairly routine audible to run the play to the opposite side. You CANNOT coach that kind of field sense.
Just to add to Tebow Fevor…
Other common Tebow ailments include Tebowaria, Tebowrrhea, Post-Tebonic Stress Disorder, Broken TEE-bia, and severe brain damage.
Kerry Byrne of Cold Hard Football Facts emailed me with this last night: In four starts, Tebow now has two fourth-quarter comebacks from at least 13 points down. In John Elway’s career, guess how many he had.
ZOMFG HE’S BETTER THAN ELWAY!!!11!!!!!
Who is DeMarco Murray?
Ooh! I know! He’s the Red Sox sixth reliever.
When the furor over the Walter Payton biography Sweetness: The Enigmatic Life of Walter Payton surfaced last month, I told you I’d pass along my thoughts when I’d read it.
Turns out you can’t DVR a book! Looks like Steve Jobs died too soon to fix that one!
Payton’s life, as it turns out, is beyond interesting. It’s compelling.
Some might say it’s UBERinteresting.
It’s most often riveting.
I thought it would be interesting. But it turned out to be INTRIGUING, and ENGROSSING, and ENTHRALLING, and INVOLVING and APROPOS OF AFFECTING.
So weird! It’s almost like stuff happened!
I may have been wrong on Bryant McKinnie… But see what happens when a player has to answer to Ray Lewis if he’s not at his very best.
“Play better or I will stab you.”
4. New England (5-1). Bob Kraft is not letting looming free agent Wes Welker get away. He can’t. You don’t let the leading receiver in the NFL over the past five seasons go.
Otherwise, you would have to answer to the LEGENDARY CITIZENS OF FI-AH EPSTEIN NATION! WE’RE NAWT LETTING WELKAH GO TO SOME DAHHHKIE TOWN LIKE ATLANTAH!
Saw Bill Cowher at a restaurant Saturday night in Manhattan.
I eat at nice restaurants patronized by famous people!
He raved about Aaron Smith, who was placed on IR over the weekend. Just raved.
“You talk about a guy who has proven unable to stay healthy for three straight seasons! WHAT INJURY-PRONE TALENT.”
Welcome to the NFL, Brian de la Puente. Know who that is?
Of course I don’t. I read Peter King, so I know nothing about football. I only know about trains and sleeping cellists and leaking assholes.
8. Tampa Bay (4-3)… They lost another running back, Earnest Graham (Achilles) for the year. That led Mike Florio to bring up the T word on Football Night in America, and me to opine, “You mean it might be Tiki time in Tampa?”
O HO HO! You think it might be time to sign our friend Tiki, who NFL teams have repeatedly indicated they don’t want even though we ADORE him?
/watches the Bucs sign Clinton Portis just to inflame Peter
Charger coaches and offensive starters set to begin Clock Management 101 classes at San Diego State Monday night.
Followed by First Grade in Neverkicktonarddogology 301 in my study hall!
Atlanta TE Tony Gonzalez… More amazing to me is Gonzalez, 35, has the body of a 25-year-old, and if he chose, he could certainly keep playing after this season. Selfishly, I hope he does.
Explosively, I hope he’s compelling.
Coaches of the Week
Virginia (UFL) head coach Marty Schottenheimer. At long last, in his 22nd season as a pro head coach, Schottenheimer won a professional football championship.
In a four-team minor league. TRIUMPH.
“I’m a simple man,” Schottenheimer said.
“I like chicken broth and fucking on beds. That’s just me.”
“I told our guys that we didn’t need to do anything fancy to win the game. Just go back to the basics and execute, and that’s what we did.”
“Guys, we’re in a four-team league. Just show up and we’ll probably win something.”
Is that a Marty quote or what?
Uninspiring and boring? Sure is!
I think I’ve heard him say that 67 times as an NFL coach.
Gee, I wonder why he didn’t win a title. DURRR GUYS WE DON’T HAVE TO DO MUCH JUST GO OUT THERE AND PLAY LIKE YOU PLAY NOW LET ME REPREAT THAT UNTIL IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU DURRRRRR
Despite the 28-0 thrashing at the hands of the Chiefs, and the inauspicious debut off the bench of their new acquisition, there is still joy in Raider Nation, obviously, with the acquisition of Carson Palmer for a first-round pick in 2012 and a second-that-could-become-a-first in 2013.
Despite looking horrible and clearly regressing, there are still some Raiders fans happy about this fucking disaster, OBVIOUSLY. DESERVEDLY.
Most fans, even those who thought the Raiders overpaid, seem happy with the fact that Palmer is set to be the Raiders’ quarterback as they contend for the playoffs (presumably) in the last nine weeks of the season.
Do you KNOW any Raiders fans? Our own flubby is ready to drink horse bile after what happened yesterday.
And though I do think Palmer will be a major upgrade over Kyle Boller, I still don’t know what to think about Palmer for the long-term.
Will he be good? MAYBE. Will he prove himself to be a washed-up corpse? PERHAPS. Are there shades of the Carl Crawford acquisition here? I’D LIKE TO THINK THERE ARE.
Hall of Fame Headache Dept.: Art Monk retired after the 1995 season with 940 catches, most in NFL history. On Sunday, Derrick Mason of Houston became the 11th player in 16 years to pass Monk. Mason had one catch in the 41-7 rout of Tennessee, giving him 941.
And you should have seen how many gloves he signed after the game. Put that man in Canton.
I had the pleasure of going to Game 1 of the World Series Wednesday night in St. Louis.
ME ME ME ME ME BASEBALL BASEBALL BASEBALL ME ME ME ME ME
Now, when it’s 47 degrees, breezy/windy, and there’s an occasional mist and light rain in the air, it’s not the best night to sit outside for three hours to watch a baseball game.
HOW CAN THEY HOLD THE SERIES IN THIS WINDSWEPT MOONSCAPE?! Clearly, the Series needs to always be played in San Diego or Miami. If they hold the 2014 World Series in New York it will be downright irresponsible. People could DIE.
Chilled to the bones, Cardinal fans did.
OMG so brave! They braved non-rain and mild temperatures! How did they do that? Don’t tell me it was just a matter of “wearing a jacket”. No, no. These people are special.
Not that you’d expect people to leave a one-run World Series game en masse, but on such a miserable night…
…a school night…
…it wouldn’t be odd to see some families duck out after seven to beat the traffic.
Not that anyone would ever leave a WS game, but I fully expected a few people to leave that game. But they didn’t. LEITCHEDLY.
In the top of the ninth inning, when reliever Jason Motte was shutting down Texas for the save, I looked around Busch Stadium from my seat halfway between first base and right field, in one of the back rows of the lower bowl of the stadium. There were some seats next to me empty, but I think they belonged to soldiers who had pregame field duties. But as I looked, I couldn’t see more than a few scattered empty seats.
THIS JUST IN: Sometimes people go to the bathroom during baseball games.
I found that amazing, on a night that could have passed for Feb. 19 and not Oct. 19.
HOLY SHIT IT WASN’T A GODDAMN BLIZZARD OUT THERE.
You just had to sit out in that weather for three hours to understand how miserable it was.
Oh, I’m sure. I’m sure it was like Shackleton’s frigid journey to the fucking Antarctic.
Cardinal fans. Amazing.
IT WAS 47 DEGREES WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
1. I think this is what I liked about Week 7:
a. Daryl Johnston. Lindsay Nelson. (You’ll just have to Google it, youngsters.)
You “teens” may not be “hip” to it just yet.
f. Here’s to you, too, Brandon Flowers, with your two opportunistic picks.
And here’s to you, John Fassel! So good to see your dad nearly win a UFL title.
h. Mike Wallace, 20.3 yards per catch through seven weeks. He’s entering Swann territory.
i. Steve Smith (seven for 143) is in Swannville too.
But will either man reach Swanntown, biggest city in all of the Swann Provinces?!
Can’t find fault with the Vikes punting with 2:37 left, down 33-27, with all timeouts left, on fourth-and-10 from their 36.
Then you’re an IDIOT.
You can’t ask Christian Ponder to convert that — or, at least, you have to think your defense has a better chance of holding the Packers to six or seven plays and a punt rather than thinking Ponder can get 10 yards against a very good dime defense.
In which case, you’d be asking Ponder to then drive 80 yards in 90 seconds with no timeouts against that exact same defense, which is a totally better strategy. Also, GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Oakland-KC: zero touchdown passes, eight interceptions. Nice day aerially.
3. I think, just for the record, because I know and you should know, Adam Schefter didn’t sit on the Carson Palmer trade story because he was protecting anyone. I’m not in the business of defending rivals…
Mostly because they provide the bulk of actual football information I supply in this column. GREAT NUGGETS, BOB GLAUBER!
I think if the season was seven weeks long and I had to vote today, my Executive of the Year would be Mike Brown. It’s not just the Palmer trade. It’s sticking to his guns on draft day and waiting, waiting, waiting for Andy Dalton at the 34th overall pick.
Way to not do anything, Mike.
I wonder when was the last time a runner has rushed 20 times in a game, basically, ineffectively.
Essentially, uselessly, incredibly, TEBOWLY.
Rodney Harrison put it best last night on our Football Night in America set.
Where I sit near TONY DUNGY, IN THE FLESH.
Basically, he said that perception becomes reality, and that reality becomes very hard to change. “I was known as a dirty player,” he said, and that tag never left him his entire career.
That’s because Rodney Harrison was a dirty player. Jeez, do a little HGH and hit thirty-nine different QBs late everyone’s calling you a JERK! It really hurts.
Congrats on your eight-catch game for Cornell against Brown, Luke Tasker.
Well done, son of a famous player I’m using you to network with!
Bet you’d rather have had the win if you’re anything like your father.
“I’m not my father! I CAN’T LIVE UP TO THAT STANDARD! WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?! I DON’T EVEN LIKE FOOTBALL!”
Proud of you, Maya Pitts and Angel Hart and Deja Davis (former Montclair softball Bears who I had the sincere pleasure of coaching), for your play in helping Montclair (N.J.) to a 1-0 Essex County Tournament soccer victory over Livingston High Saturday night. Miss you guys.
Again, this could have been accomplished in an email. It actually probably would have meant more to the recipients.
The more I walk behind smokers, the more I detest smoking.
“The more I walk behind Peter King, the more I detest the stench of coffee and the sight of Peter King’s abnormally shaped ass.”
-person walking behind Peter King
My niece Charlotte got married Saturday in England to a swell guy named Jonny. Sorry I missed it, you two lovebirds. Have a great life.
I hope this paragraph will suffice in lieu of an actual wedding gift!
I have a few books to catch up on, but my SI boss, Terry McDonell, gave me one the other day I’m really looking forward to cracking: “Rin Tin Tin: The Life and the Legend.”
“Here, Pete. This is a book about dogs. I thought you’d like it, seeing as how you enjoy chasing trains and being friendly to everyone.”
I believe I set a personal record Sunday. Ten total shots of espresso in three lattes between 6 a.m. and 10:30 p.m.
Not that it’s going to come back to haunt me or anything.
Pleasure to share two Dogfish Head 90s with my Versus Friday night partner Russ Thaler on the Acela the other night. Then nearly fell asleep on the subway when I got to New York from the Versus studios in Connecticut.
Can’t anyone stop stop the scourge of Peter King nearly falling asleep tipsy on America’s rails?!
I like a World Series that’s tied 2-2. I like a World Series that’s tied 3-3 better.
And if it’s tied 4-4? ECSTASYVILLE.
I missed the weekend’s games, but I’ll be channel-flipping tonight.
In between catching up on Pan Am!
Someday, Florio, I’m taking you to a baseball game. And I’m confiscating your phone. Baseball’s not poison, you know.
Someday, Florio, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.