Ben Roethlisberger: HI COACH

THE BEN NO WANT COMPLAIN AND BE ROTTEN EGGMAN BUT THE BEN TAKE LOTTO HITS THIS SEASON. SO MANY OWIESPOTS THAT BEN DON’T KNOW WHERE OWIE END AND BEN BEGIN. IT BAD. VERY BAD. HAVE NO TIME IN POCKET FOR MANY PUMP FAKE, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLE THEN THROW BALL AT SAME TIME BEN IS FALLING TO GROUND. BEN CAN NO BE BEN IN THESE CONDITIONS.

Mike Tomlin: We’ve had a few setbacks with our protection up front, but to blame that for the totality of our performance is an excuse and we don’t make ‘em. We will continue to strive to correct whatever shortcomings we have as a team, but that involves each player overcoming his own shortcomings. And there isn’t a player on this team that that is perfect in this regard.

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT BEN NO LIKE! EVEN MAN INSIDE TV SAY BEN TAKE MONDO OWIES.

TV IS NEVER LIAR. TV IS FRIEND AND VIDEO GAMES MY BROTHER.

Mike Tomlin: To be frustrated in the face of adversity is human, but just being human is not the standard here. Winning is the standard. Champions abide by those standards. We intend to be champions.

Ben Roethlisberger: BEFORE SEASON, COACH TELL BEN, “BEN – GOOD NEWS. WE MAKE OFFENSE EASY. YOU START PLAY BY MAKE CHOCO TACO LICK FACE AT FAST WILLIE PARKER WALLACE. FASTMAN WALLACE THINK BEN WANT BATHROOM SMUSH, SO HE RUN REAL FAST. THE BEN HUCK N CHUCK DEEP FOR TOUCHDOWN!”

THAT WHAT COACH SAID!

Mike Tomlin: Ben. Listen, I can’t -

Maurkice Pouncey: Coach! Hey coach, come quick!

Mike Tomlin: What is it?

Maurkice Pouncey: Cone’s hurt!

Mike Tomlin: Not again! We only dressed two cones this week. That was our last one!

Hines Ward: If we am not doing something soon, Rongrastname will suffel glave injulee. Velleeeeeee sellliousss injuleeeee.

Mike Tomlin: All right. That settles it. Batch! Charlie, get up!

Charlie Batch: [Awakens from nap startled and brandishing a knife] This ain’t yer claim! I gots here first! GIT! GIT!

Mike Tomlin: Charlie, wake up. It’s Coach Tomlin.

Charlie Batch: Heh heh, so it is. Sorry ’bout that. Just had a lil’ flashback to mah prospectin’ days. So what’s the deal, coach?

Mike Tomlin: I need you to get in there.

Charlie Batch: Whatever you say, pardner. I’ll work the kinks out of the ol’ diggin’ arm here.

Mike Tomlin: Don’t bother. We need you in at right tackle.

Charlie Batch: Tackle?! Tarnation! You can’t be serious. No way these old bones handle blocking those big studs.

Mike Tomlin: You’re at a size disadvantage. That much is obvious. But we need a warm body. And you have veteran savvy. Use that. Confuse the pass rushers with stories about when a gallon of milk used to cost 17 cents.

Charlie Batch: Grocer’d knock it down to a plug nickel if’n you could spin a good yarn about the Dust Bowl.

Mike Tomlin: Save it for the field, Charlie. Now get in there!

[Batch goes in, Roethlisberger strip-sacked for the eighth time of the 1st half]

Mike Tomlin: Sigh. This is going to be a long season.

Dick LeBeau: Settle down, coach. Them other fellers only got 126 yards rushing this half. Got ‘em right where we want ‘em.

Aaron Smith: When are they gonna install a duck pond in this godforsaken stadium?

Dick LeBeau: As soon as you get off your keister and make a play.

Aaron Smith: Baaaaaahhhh! [Waves hand dismissively] Forget it.