I was gonna get me some of these bacon & sex pillows before Maj could add them to the Unnecessary Purchase of the Week on Always Be Covering, but alas: they seem to have sold out at Roseberry Boutique. But let’s agree to keep the lessons of these pillows in our hearts throughout the mailbag this week — and every day moving forward.

Hey there,
I’m currently seeing a girl and things are going well. The problem isn’t the sex, it’s the post-sex. She likes to cuddle afterwards. I realize this is important & I’m okay with it. And hey, it’s not all bad! She’s got soft skin, smells nice and post-sex cuddling can sometimes lead to more sex. However, she wants to cuddle much longer than I do, which usually results in my arm falling asleep or her using it as an extra blanket and doing some alligator-style death roll with it.

Also, I’m used to sleeping in a queen-sized bed by myself, meaning when I want to get comfortable I move to the other side of the bed. Can’t do that with a girl pressed up against you.

Obviously I need to communicate these needs to her, but how do I say “I need more room in the bed so I can actually sleep at night.” in a nice way?

Oh, you’ve got to establish that space for yourself RIGHT AWAY. Naturally, my fiancee and I are waiting for marriage to have sex, but we started having cuddling sleepovers a while back. And I have this thing where I always like to sleep facing outboard on whichever side of the bed I’m on. I don’t know why, it’s just some mystical bed geometry that feels better to me. And so I laid it out to her: “Hey, I really like cuddling with you, but when it comes time for me to fall asleep, I need to face the other way. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like you, that’s just how I’m used to falling asleep.”

If you’re dating a reasonable person, that should be sufficient. If she’s a little nutso and hurt by that, then she’s probably not someone you’ll want to be with long-term.

Fantasy football: I’ve got a good team going in my work league. Aaron Rodgers, Fred Jackson, Jimmy Graham, LeGarrette Blount, Dwayne Bowe, Vincent Jackson… It’s an explosive team, outside of week one when no one showed up and I left Jackson on my bench.

Fuck. That’s a good team. I hate you.

/shakes fist at the knees of Jamaal Charles and Kenny Britt

After week four, I’m leading the league in points scored and have had the two highest scoring weeks so far. Because I’ve got Rodgers and he did that whole championship belt celebration last year, I’ve taken to quoting Ric Flair in the inter-office smack talk e-mails and I’m wondering if there are other wrestlers I should look to for great quotes to help remind my co-workers how much better I am than them. As awesome as “To be the man, you gotta beat the man, and right now, I AM THE MAN!” is, it’s going to lose it’s impact in a few weeks.
Thanks,
The A-Train

I’m one of three or four straight males my age that didn’t get into pro wrestling as a kid, so I’m really not the man to ask here. But I don’t think Ric Flair’s “WOOO!” ever gets old; if it does, I recommend researching the vast Macho Man library on YouTube. OHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH!!!!

To whom it may concern,
Sexy time: When do you know that someone is THE person for you? It’s hard for me to think about marriage since I’ll soon be graduating with a degree that isn’t worth half of what it was 10 years ago and 6 figures of debt with no job prospects, but this doesn’t seem to faze the significant other, who’s not making enough money yet to move out of her parent’s house. Is she the one for me because I cannot imagine life without her and she’s my best friend, or is she not the one for me because I’m not thinking “fuck math and finances and shit, let’s go get hitched!”? I’m tired of people saying, “you’ll know when it’s the right one” and the best advice I’ve gotten was from my dad who said “Your mother and I broke up three times before getting married. In fact, the first Christmas we spent together was after we were married.”

That’s the BEST advice you’ve ever gotten? Yikes. Well, at least the bar is low for me.

That leads me to believe that it’s not this butterfly in the stomach feeling but instead the realization that you just cannot be without this person holding the position of most important person in your life. For those of you who are married or engaged to be married (congrats Caveman, by the way), what made you decide that this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
Nobody circles the wagons and then sets them on fire like the Buffalo Bills,
-Some guy who hates Mike Shanahan

When I first met my fiancée, I totally hit it off with her but intentionally didn’t try to get her number because I was like, “Aw shit, if I start dating her then that’s that for me.” (PRO TIP: that is not the recommended way to approach your dating life.) I caved the next time I saw her a month later because she was really sweet and funny and good-looking. As we dated, I kept looking for the same flaws that had been present in my previous relationships: jealousy, distrust, poor communication, a smelly vagina… and none of it was there. She was just perfect for me. And that confused me, because I thought I was destined to marry a bisexual Brazilian bikini model. But the stats don’t lie: she makes me happy, she understands and supports me, we share the same values in life and the family we want to create, and I love her. I don’t want to date anyone else, and I’m eager to get married to her and have kids and get old with her, because even after we get old and wrinkly we’re still going to make each other laugh.

I can’t speak for anybody else who’s had a bad or a good marriage, but that’s how I knew. And screw you for making me be all heartfelt in the mailbag.

**********

Hi. Lovely day, isn’t it??

It is, actually.

FOOTBALL: Is it time to give up on the Steeler’s D??

Yes.

I picked them up pretty early in the draft,

Dumb.

but they’re old and slow, and have only 2 takeaways this year. SanFran’s D (with 11 takeaways) is available, but I know that as soon as I drop them, Troy Polamalu will have 3 pic 6s against Hasselback on Sunday. Thoughts??

Pick up the Niners.

SEX: Two weeks ago, I “broke up” with a long distance girl from back home (about 3 hours away) who I had been seeing exclusively for nine months. About 12 hours before I did that, I met a girl who is in town for work, but only for the next five months, and I’ve since started seeing her. I didn’t tell either girl about the other. I know your stance on long distance — which is why I broke things off with hometown girl — but new girl is going back to the opposite coast come spring, so there’s not any better chance that things will work out in the end with her either. Now, I’m usually one for honesty, but in this case, I should probably just keep my big mouth shut, huh??
-Biff

Yep. They don’t live in the same town, and you broke up with one before you started the dating the other. You didn’t do anything dishonest. Keep ya trap shut.

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Dear Voiced by Mel Blanc,
So in my 12-person, standard-scoring league I drafted Michael Dwayne Vick second overall, and Cameron Jerrell Newton second-to-last overall as my back-up QB. Scam has proceeded to outscore Vick every week. It’s foolish to bench Vick (@Buff) for Newton (@ NO), right?

I have no idea. I don’t know what to think of Newton. Every brain cell I have says, “STAY AWAY FROM ROOKIE QUARTERBACKS,” but that guy’s been a monster. An interception-throwing, 400-yard-passing, rushing-touchdown monster. He’s mistake-prone but still putting up big fantasy points, and that confuses me.

As for Vick, he’s injury-prone and throws costly picks, but also a dangerous fantasy option. Both of those games (Phi-Buf and Car-NO) have the potential to be shootouts, but given performance this year I’d lean towards starting Newton.

Also in general, which two of these four do you like best: Sproles, B. Jacobs, Branch, or D. Moore?

Sproles and Moore. I’ve been shocked at the consistency of Sproles’s fantasy numbers this year, Jacobs doesn’s always get the touches, Branch narrowly avoided back-to-back donuts by catching a late 4-yard TD last Sunday (while Welker and Gronkowski have posted surreal numbers), and Moore’s become a fairly reliable producer.

Sex: Jesus, your cartoon from last week couldn’t be more on the money. I’ve got a one- and two-year old boys, and they are exhausting. We get the business in when we can, but sometimes it’s just not in the cards (to the fault of no one). I’ve had nights where I’ve been too tired to drink a beer.

Words of wisdom for you all: have her get an IUD if you don’t want kids (fool me twice, pill/pull-out combo, shame on ME), and if kids are what you are going for, for the love of god try to space them out a few years at least. Also, if you’re under 30, and in a relationship with no kids and you’re not having sex for no good reason, fucking break it off. Life’s too short.

-Future Archie Manning

Okay. Not a question, but thank you for that just the same.

**********

Masters of the ManningFace,
FF Question first – 12 team, standard scoring non-PPR league, offered this trade – Flacco and Adrian Peterson for Matt Forte and Stafford.

You mean you’d give up Flacco and Peterson? Huh. I don’t know. Obviously Stafford is an upgrade over Flacco (though of course Stafford has a troubling history of injuries), and Forte has actually out-scored Peterson in fantasy points so far this season thanks to his targets as a receiver out of the backfield. Can Forte keep it up for the rest of the season? I don’t have a fucking clue. But I’m troubled by that shitty Vikings offense, so I think I’d probably go for it (assuming you’re getting Forte and Stafford in the trade).

Other question – Not directly related to sex, but my best friend just got engaged, wanted me to be his best man. Any general ground rules for bachelor party/toast?
Thanks,
Walter Sobchak

Give him the bachelor party he wants, not the bachelor party you want. If he wants to hang out in a log cabin drinking moonshine and playing poker with his best friends, hook that up. If he wants strippers, be sure to get some hot ones.

As for the wedding toast, I have three ground rules:

1. Make the speech about the bride and groom, not you and the groom.

2. Funny is good, but it’s better to be warm and heartfelt than it is to be funny. It’s not a roast; if you want to get laughs, go with self-deprecation.

3. Brevity is the soul of wit. Keep it short.

**********

Football/Sexytime Gurus,
Fantasy: Playing a big game this week against a fellow 4-0 league leader and I’m totally screwed since it’s Ray Rice’s bye week. I’m going to have to move Sproles up to RB1 and move someone else in the flex. The options are McGahee (vs. SD), Cassel (@Ind) and Julio Jones (vs GB). Cassel has put up some stinkers but last week was a solid outing. McGahee seems to be taking over at Denver and is good for a TD. And Jones has been gaining momentum and might have a breakout game against that horrible Green Bay pass defense. Or they could all go back to their shitty single-digit outings and ruin my week. Which one gives me the best shot?

You can start QBs in the flex? BOOOOOOO.

Go with Jones. He’s been getting great targets, making catches, and that Green Bay pass D is soft (it also helps that teams have to throw to keep up with Green Bay’s scoring).

Sex: Just got married this summer.

Congratulations!

It’s the best thing in the entire world and I have it totally figured out and my life will forever be pastries and sex and no fighting or irritation. Since I have and will never have any problems, here’s a picture of the most wonderful ass on the Internets.

It…just…defies…logic…and…gravity.
-DD

DAT AZZ!

FYI, for those of you who don’t read King and The Source and the fine Uproxx blogs RealTalkNY and The Smoking Section, that’s Bria Myles. You can see more pictures of her here and here and here.

**********

Senor Cavemanus,
FF: I’m looking to trade Steven Jackson for another stud back, as I don’t think even he can save the Rams at this point. My options are limited, as only half my league ever actually gets on and plays (one person has Ray Rice, Jahvid Best and Matt Forte and NEVER CHECKS THEIR SHIT.) Who do you think is a fair swap for Jackson?

In the words of flubby: “I’ve got an old box of rags in my shed. I might trade those for Steven Jackson.”

Sex: On a scale of 1- Jeff Reed, how douchey is it to invite an ex, who I’m still cool with, to a party I’m throwing where I plan on getting both fucked up AND fucked? There’s a bunch of mutual friends coming back to town and I feel it’d be a nice gesture to invite her, but I don’t know how she’d react to me being drunk and all over some random girls. (I know you say to never be friends with exes but we were friends before we went out and ended things quite amicably.)
-Porko

Ehhhh… Definitely not Jeff Reed-level douchiness, but certainly nowhere close to Drew Brees-level consideration, either.

I’d say it depends on just how good of friends you and your ex are. If you can tell her straight up, “Hey, I’m having these people over for a party, and it’d be cool if you could make it, but fair warning: I’m gonna get sloppy and hit on some girls” then at least she knows what to expect.

Another thing you could do — and this is CRAZAAAYYYY — is go a little easy on the drinking and focus on your out-of-town friends instead of the skanks. I know, I know, it’s a stupid idea. I’m sorry I brought it up.

**********

Caveman,
Congratulations on the engagement, hope the post-proposal nasty was outstanding.

Thank you, but as I noted above, my fiancee and I our saving ourselves for our wedding night.

As for the football, I cannot for the life of me decide if I should start Marmalard @Denver or finally take Cam Newton off the bench this week against New Orleans at home in my standard scoring PPR league. Denver is 23rd in giving up pass yards a game compared to New Orleans’ 19th overall, but with Gates, Jackson, and Floyd all some level of injured I can’t pick which one to start.

Well, it looks like I’m backing Cam Newton in this mailbag, so go with him. CAM FOR PRESIDENT!

Sexy time: I’m a senior in college with a girlfriend I like quite a lot. She’s awesome in bed and is down for a roll in the hay pretty much any time, but there’s one problem: she hates oral sex.

Deal breaker.

If I ask enough times she’ll start off with a bj before moving to the main event, but she refuses to let me go down on her.

Double deal breaker. Unless you’re one of those lazy weirdos who doesn’t like going down on women.

While I understand that there is little I can do to change the latter if she is truly that uncomfortable with the act, it makes me feel like an asshole for occasionally wanting a knob polishing. Any advice on how to bring the situation to an amicable resolution?
Thanks,
Extremely Excited Lions Fan

Plain and simple: she’s not comfortable enough with her body yet for the increased intimacy of face-to-genital contact. That’s not uncommon with younger or less-experienced women, and while it’s easy for ol’ Caveman to say “Ditch the broad!”…

…there’s also something to be said for teaching someone the ropes when it comes to very common sex acts. There are a lot of little things you can do to break down the barriers she has up, and I don’t know her so I can’t say specifically which, if any, of them will resonate with her. Things like showering together, sex with the lights on, open and frank discussion about her turn-ons, and complimenting the way her naked body looks (and specifically the way her pussy looks) are all ways to make her more comfortable with her body while she’s naked with you.

But man, what a pain in the ass. I’d probably just find someone who gives head and let her be someone else’s project.

(non-Bria Myles images all via glasscaseofemotion)