Andrew Luck is the arm that launched a thousand sinking ships. Every loss is in his name. No teams hope to acquire him, for he is strictly for the hopeless. The media know this, which is why Andrew Luck is a handy way to include the eight or 10 otherwise unremarkably horrible teams in the larger NFL discourse. It makes for a nice counter to the usual standby conversation of who is FOR REAL and who are the CLOWN FRAUDS. “That team sure is terrible! But are they ‘Suck for Luck’ terrible? Time will tell. Anyway, back to the coach fight.”

Mike Florio cannot resist this game, as it allows for further trolling. For example, he posits, what if the team that sucks for Luck the hardest is consequently too sucky for Luck to accept? He’ll pull an Eli and demand to play elsewhere. Oh, the Catch-22 of it all! This is what happens when you give those disgusting greedy players free will. That should have been removed in the latest CBA!

Florio then lays out this nightmare scenario, which is apparently too frightening to contemplate, or even structure in a coherent sentence.

Of course, the ultimate irony would arise if the Broncos lose to the Dolphins on Sunday, if the Broncos ultimately “earn” the top pick, and if the best Stanford quarterback since John Elway does to the team Elway currently runs that which Elway did 28 years ago, forcing a trade just like Elway did.

In the galaxy of quasi-PK-esque butchered sentences, this is one. Jesus. I’ve seen commands in Excel that more closely resemble English. Could it be that King and Florio take turns whispering tortured syntax as they’re “nailing each other pretty good on Friday nights“? MAYBE. But I doubt it. Instead it’s obvious to me that Mike Florio is trying to devise and patent some sort of fiendish troll language, not unlike J.R.R. Tolkien’s elvish. Think of the royalties ESPN will have to fork over.