I went to Mexico this past weekend. Three days without bourbon or Twitter so that the fiancee and I could look at beaches and hotels and taste wedding cakes and all that.

For years, I had always been opposed destination weddings, because I thought it was presumptuous to ask people to go on vacation just to see you get married. Then it came time to pay for a wedding, and I discovered that things are CRAZY CHEAP in Mexico. You can have a wedding down there for like one-third the price of what you’d get in New York. And because everyone stays in the same hotel, the bride and I can hang out and spend time with all of our guests BEFORE the wedding. None of that thing where the married couple spends the entire reception on their feet feeling pressured to say everyone before they leave. Pretty sweet. Also: the threat of grisly cartel murders adds a sense of romantic adventure! Everybody wins!

Anyway, none of this has anything to do with the banner picture or content of the mailbag. I just like talking about myself sometimes.

Hello to CC and all the Gridiron Gurus!
Got a ton on my mind this week from a lot of ridiculous shit that’s gone down, both on and off the field.

First off, football: 10-team league, no gimmicks, nothing fancy.

Anyways, had a trade proposed earlier to me that I’m still dwelling over: Josh Freeman and Brandon Pettigrew for Kyle Orton and Jimmy Graham. Graham’s been pretty good for me so far this season, but I feel like Freeman is definitely an upgrade over Orton as a bench QB, especially when St. Tebow may end up starting again soon for the Broncs. Not sure what to think about Pettigrew though. Not gonna lie though, he may be poised for some big stuff since the Lions are now 5-0 (seriously though, WHAT THE FUCK).

Yay or nay to the trade proposal?

Nay. I’ve got both Pettigrew and Freeman on one of my teams this year, and neither is anything I’d trade for. Even though Orton is now less than useless, Graham is a budding star who can give you legitimate production on a week-to-week basis. That’s more than you’ll get from Freeman and Pettigrew.

Onto sex: currently in college, second year. Currently unattached, as I like it, but just had this girl over briefly to edit her paper (no, seriously. Fuck off). I know she has a major thing for me and I do think she’s cute and I think I’m attracted to her, but I also realize I’m not a relationship kind of guy at all and can’t really stomach the idea of being tied down again. Still, an hour after I’m finished reading over the paper, there I am making out with her on my bed.

Seriously? A sentence ago you were telling us to fuck off for assuming anything.

I admit I kind of led her on to this, though at the same time I still wasn’t expecting this on a Monday night in October.

I realize she’s a nice girl, and that there’s something special about her that would almost make it worth it, but there’s a few things that I realize are definitely making this impossible for me to agree to:

- She doesn’t drink. I do. A lot. That’s definitely not good.
– She’s one of those “waiting ’til marriage” types so I know she’s not gonna put out. Also definitely not good.
– I don’t think I can switch gears to boyfriend mode after a over a year of just doing the old “one and done” with strangers. Not that I’m not up to trying: I just don’t think I can fix what is essentially a very broken moral compass.

Am I an asshole for kind of leading her on? Am I selfish for thinking about sex in this case? She knows perfectly well I’m not the relationship type and is cool with the whole “take some time to think it over” deal, I just feel like currently I’m wrestling between the whole “religious prude” argument and the “I still think she’s something special” argument, and it’s a stalemate. I have a feeling that you’ll still say “you’ll be able to find another girl in college” deal which I totally agree with 100%, but at the same time, it’s not every day you have a girl who loves football and can quote Rocky and Star Wars with the best of ‘em throwing herself at you.

You’re what? 19? Maybe 20? If you like drinking and fucking, stick with girls who like drinking and fucking. Look at it this way: even if this girl WAS down for some beer and premarital sex, you’d probably still screw it up because you’re a sophomore in college and that’s what sophomores in college do. So tell her that you think she’s amazing, but explain that you’re an irresponsible ball of testosterone-fueled drunkenness, and that trying to find a middle ground between you to right now will only immolate her gentle heart. You’re doing both of you a favor by not dating her.

TL;DR should I stop leading on a girl I’m not 100% into?

Yes.

Thanks amigos.
– Unfortunate Bieber Lookalike

Bieber, huh? So that explains why you’re getting all the young tail.

**********

Caveman,
No sex question this week, so I give you Elizabeth Loaiza, former Miss Colombia.

She is not unattractive.

Strangely enough I can’t seem to find other photosets of her even nearly as hot as this one for Don Juan. Here’s the full album link.

I should mention that that link is mildly NSFW for artistic pantslessness and partial nipple. Tasteful but sexy.

Football,
I am one of those who suffered from the Jamaal-bug, and after starting him the first two games and dropping him, his downfall actually made me change my strategy and have bounced back to a 3-2 standing. I’m good with Brees, and I got my main three Bowe, Roddy, old Steve Smith, and TEs Jermichael and Tony G (I put the other TE on flex the past three weeks and it’s been awesome). My RB corps has been quite concerning, though. Ingram, Benjarvus (whom until last week I thought was gonna lose carries to Ridley but then thankfully Belichick decided to fuck everyone who picked up Ridley by giving Lawfirm 27 carries), and Daniel Thomas. Also just picked up Jackie Battle who seems to be leading carries moving on, but fuck Todd Haley.

Jackie Battle also sounds like a black female action star.

So should I trade one of my three headed monster of WRs for a more reliable back? Roddy hasn’t been performing as much as he was supposed to be, and I was thinking of trading him for maybe either Shonn, Cop Speed, or Jahvid (all three owned by a guy who can use a solid WR), or maybe Tolbert. I don’t think I can leverage any of my WRs for a first-tier RB after already 5 weeks. On the flip side should I just ride this 2 TE combo and just hope for the best that Thomas and Benjarvus gives at least 10 pts each every week?
Keep up the good work,
AIL

Frankly, having watched Gonzalez’s numbers drop over the last two seasons, I’d be looking to ship him to a sucker while he’s hot. There aren’t enough good TEs to go around, so you can probably package Gonzalez with one of your shitty RBs for a better back.

**********

Dear Most Esteemed Gentleman of KSK,
Last week, I made a trade in my fantasy league (standard scoring, 1 QB, 2 RB, 1 RB/WR, 2 WR, 1 WR/TE, 1 TE) giving up Rodgers, DeSean , Nate Washington, & Cruz for Peterson, Wallace, Schaub, & Hasselbeck.

Hello, overly complex fantasy trade.

Now my RBs are AP, Jackson, Bradshaw, Mendenhall, Redman and Hunter. However, my WRs are Wallace, Decker, Branch, Nelson, Plax, and Jacoby Jones after Kenny Britt went down. Any of those guys dependable for a #2? Decker seems the closest, but that goose egg, his lack of a track record, and the looming Tebow on the horizon scare me.

Don’t worry about a designated #2. None of your WRs are bad, but you’ll need to play matchups week-to-week. Given your weird double-flex, sometimes you’ll need to start four of those dudes; sometimes only two.

I now LOVE my RB depth, but should I look at trading Jackson, Bradshaw, or Mendenhall+Redman for a better WR? Aside from Wallace, I’m basically guaranteed either 10 or 0 points from every other guy, and that inconsistency is the reason I traded DeSean away. Should I sell high on Jackson, low on Mendenhall+Redman (both currently questionable), or just try to get SOMETHING for Bradshaw? Who should I target if I’m looking for a consistent return but not a #1 receiver? They say don’t make an offer that I wouldn’t accept if I were on the other end, but I really don’t know what a fair WR exchange for any of these guys would be.

Jesus, you just made a blockbuster trade involving two of the most valuable players in fantasy football, and you’re itching to do it again? That’s not management; that’s addiction. Your lineup is fine. Use it for two weeks before making a trade.

As for the sex advice: I tried to find a deeper relationship problem to write about, but I really don’t have one. I wrote in about being dumped rudely and insulted by my ex-fiancée a little over a year ago (Proud Drafter of Montario Hardesty), and after taking your advice, I focused on keeping myself in shape then went out, bought myself some new clothes, and just relaxed and eased back into the pool while I dated around for a few months (and enjoyed the occasional trim). In doing so, I met my new girlfriend, very much the opposite of my ex.

She has, as my brother puts it, “long-term baby-making potential”: superficially, she’s an alumni of the same college as me (so we tailgate pretty hardcore together), she approves of my predilection for Rock Band, and she’ll split a bottle of skunky-ass bourbon with me while we discuss our agreements in politics and religion. She even took me to my first MLB game. We’re philosophically, sexually, musically, and occupationally compatible, to approach the deep end of things, and putting myself out there and regaining my confidence was all it took to essentially steal her away from other guys of interest. In short, I want this to be a testimonial to the KSK mailbag, kind of like an eHarmony ad without the douchiness and the annoying religious overtones. You’re a good man, Charlie Brown. Thanks for the tips and the confidence boost.
Sincerely,
Proud Drafter of Kenny Britt

Another satisfied customer! Congratulations, sir, on dating someone who’s not a bitch.

In the interest of fairness, though, I should note that my previous advice to you began with “Three words: High. Price. Hooker.” Things could have turned out differently.

*********

El Capitan,
FFB first: Team is currently sitting at 4-1, thanks to the dynamic combination of McFadden and McCoy in the backfield, but my QB situation could be better. After drafting Peyton in the 4th round and having him go down for the year the next day, I used Bradford and McCoy the first two games, before snagging Fitzpatrick off waivers and using him for the last three weeks. Given that passing TD’s are only worth four points, is it worth it to try to upgrade my QB via trade/ waiver wire, or should I keep plugging away with Fitzpatrick?

Stick with Fitzpatrick. Dude’s a solid QB, and the Bills are gonna be in plenty of shootouts.

Sex: No complaints here; I’m fortunate enough to be married to the woman of my dreams and couldn’t be happier. I do, however, have an interesting question about the duties and responsibilities of a wingman. A couple weeks ago, a couple buddies and I were out a local bar watching the Lambs get slaughtered on Monday Night Football when my old college girlfriend and some of her friends came in. Now I don’t have any animosity or residual anger towards this particular girl; we just weren’t right for each other and so we broke up. At some point I got up from our table to buy a round and my ex came up to the bar as well. We exchanged pleasantries, but I didn’t pursue a conversation any further, not out of enmity or awkward feelings, but because we broke up several years ago, don’t really have anything in common to discuss anymore, and I wanted to get back to my friends and the game.

Unbeknownst to me, however, while I was buying the round, one of my buddies had begun to chat with one of my ex’s girlfriends, but when I parted ways with my ex, both she and her friends left the bar. My friend contends that under the Wingman Code of Conduct, I was obliged to make conversation with my ex until my friend could “see what’s up” which, with him, usually involves him getting slapped and/or maced. I maintain that, aside from the obvious fact I didn’t know that he was hitting on the girl, I was not obliged to follow with Wingman Code of Conduct, as the lady in question is my ex girlfriend, and the woman he was talking to was, at best, a six. Could we get a ruling here?
-I Got Fired From ESPN for Comparing Obama to Bernard Berrian

Regardless of your friend’s history with women or the unattractiveness of his quarry: yes, the gentlemanly thing to do is chat up her lady friends while he makes a move. However, EVEN IF we discount the fact that you were stuck with your ex and unaware of your friend’s advances, the fact remains that IF the Six had been interested in him, she could have easily stayed to talk to him after you walked away. It’s not like she was hobbled to your ex.

I hereby acquit you of accusations that you violated that Wingman Code of Conduct, which, by the way, is not a thing that exists.

**********

Oh Captain, My Captain!
Fooseball: I suck at fantasy football. I do, however, manage to somehow fall ass-backward into good teams (Breesus, The New York Fuckin’ Jets D) and currently sit atop my league by a 100 point margin (and would be undefeated if I hadn’t lost to my wife a couple of weeks ago…). At any rate, I am at a loss as to whom I should start at WR1, WR 2, and flex this week. Options are Austin, Colston, Julio Jones, Jacoby Jones (fucking tease), Jermaine Gresham, and the detritus of the waiver wire. Assuming Colston and Austin *should* be good starts, I am tempted by Jacoby only because he’s shown flashes of brilliance, and Julio seems to be a stud, but might be running slow if he even plays. Should I drop one for some RB who’d give me a solid 5-7 pts, or roll the dice that two stars (Austin and Colston) returning from injury will pull the weight, and just start one of the Joneses in the flex, hoping Julio’s hammy gets better by the end of the week? Like I said, I suck at fantasy football.

I’m benching Julio Jones this week. People who need to run fast for their job generally don’t benefit from hamstring injuries.

Jacoby Jones isn’t the most desirable option, either, given that he caught one pass on 11 targets while filling in for Andre Johnson as the Texans’ WR1. Jones has been accused of running imprecise routes, but Kubiak has taken him off of kickoff return duty so that he can focus on being a wideout. Not encouraging, but more promising than Jermaine Gresham.

The sexiest of times: Not really a question…as I said, I’m newly married, and we are still adjusting, the key of course being communication as you always say. I just wanted to pass a word of encouragement to your readers and writer…in-ers…correspondents? I was pretty much the most socially awkward, failure pile of a confidence-free man for an unfortunate stretch of my 20s, until about a year before I met my now-wife (who is the opposite of all of those things…principally the opposite of a man), and I can relate quite a bit to many of the people who write in. I just wanted to say: Matt’s right.

Tell that to my fiancee. Zing!

I’ve been in many of the situations to which the ol’ Cap has to respond with regularity (friend zone, can’t-break-up, lack of communication, etc), and will tell you that every time I have followed his general advice (be confident, communicate more, and DON’T be afraid to walk away from a bad relationship or bad timing), it’s worked out for the better.

Sincerely,
Embarrassment of Riches

Thanks. Ordinarily I cut out all praise from people’s letters, but occasionally I like to point out that any good advice is largely accidental. It’s not like my advice comes from clean living and moral rectitude. I spent the better part of the last 15 years experimenting with almost every kind of mistake you can make as a single person. I made all sorts of terrible decisions that hurt nice people and made my life harder than it needed to be. The overriding lesson here is generally “Don’t do what I did.”

**********

Caveman,

Football– My friend offered me Matt Schaub and Mark Ingram for Matt Ryan. On one hand, Schaub has posted better numbers than either Ryan or Flacco (my backup). Schaub’s numbers are only marginally better, but would he possibly provide more consistency than either of my current QB options? On the other hand, Schaub is already pretty banged-up for this early in the season, and with LeSean, LeGarrette, Hightower, and Marshawn Lynch, I have little use for Ingram. Additionally, this particular friend generally has a better eye than I for spotting good fantasy maneuvers, so my gut tells me not to trust him. I’m leaning toward hitting the ‘reject’ button, but would appreciate your input.

My guess is that the guy with Schaub is worried that Schaub’s spotty health and Andre Johnson’s knee injury will make for a disappointing season, hence him trying  to dump Schaub for the potentially steadier (if unimpressive) Ryan. Nevertheless, I still think Schaub is an upgrade over Ryan. Maybe you can bleed that guy for a wide receiver instead of Ingram?

Sex-type stuff– Life is good. I’m 26, gainfully employed, and live in a city big enough that I can meet a new beautiful woman each day. I can approach a woman, get her number, show her a good time for a few weeks, etc. No problem there. But within a month, I inevitably lose interest. The reason: I’ve got it bad for an old friend of mine, and when I make the unavoidable comparison between her and any other girl, the friend blows the competition out of the water. A few years ago, once I realized this was going on, I told her how I felt, in attempt to get past it. She was happily in a relationship, so nothing came of it, and I quickly discovered that telling her did jack shit to remove this sizable obstacle from my otherwise successful sex life. I’m still head over heels for her, to the extent that just talking to her on the phone makes me happier than anything else I can think of.

Ahem.

And the more girls I date or hook up with, the more certain I am that this girl is the one for me.

Fast forward to present day:

About time. I was bored six sentences ago.

the friend broke up with her boyfriend in July, and I’m headed out to San Diego* to visit her and a few other friends the second week of November. She’s been super enthusiastic about seeing me. How should I interpret this: (a) that now that she’s single and has had a couple years to think about it, she might reciprocate my interest or (b) that she’s used the space of a couple years to renew a comfortable obliviousness to my feelings? Option (a) would be logical, but this wouldn’t be the first time a girl has eschewed logic in favor of something convenient/crazy like option (b). I certainly plan on re-emphasizing how I feel about her, but I’m trying to keep my expectations as realistic as possible. Are my odds 50/50? Better? Worse? Any non-obvious signs for which I should keep watch?

(*Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m currently in Chicago and she’s in San Diego. But I’ll be in San Diego for several months on a consulting gig this spring, thus providing the opportunity for a trial run. If it works out, I could pretty easily get transferred out there permanently. So the whole issue of long-distance (worst idea ever, amirite?) isn’t really a significant factor here.)
Rip Riley, Sky Captain of Yesteryear

Okay, I’m going to do my best to sound interested here, even though your long-winded “I get laid all the time but it’s meaningless because I love my friend who was dating someone else” thing is a load of tired rom-com cliches.

She’s probably down to fuck. All you have to do is not come on too strong or get drunk and make an ass of yourself. If she is, hooray for you. If not, cut her off and get the fuck over it.

*********

Pussytubing Pastors–
Four months ago I met a ladyfriend that is better than all the ladyfriends I have ever met (call her “Pretty Polack”). We fell super deep in love super quickly, and now spend about 6 out of 7 nights together–basically all non-work hours, we’re together (but it’s cool we are still super social and everybody loves us). Her friends love me, my friends love her, she goes hard (but not TOO hard), she’s frighteningly witty, she eats bomb ass food, likes sports, knows every word to Lil Wayne’s “Every Girl”, can roll a Dutchmaster blind, AND we make nasty so satisfying it would hurt your feelings to truly understand.

I doubt it. I don’t have feelings.

We’ve discussed marriage and both of us are openly fantasizing about how nice that will be someday. I have been in serious love before (I’m 26), she has been in serious love before (24), and we both agree: nothing has EVER felt like this.

BUT…

She has this ex-boyfriend–actually, she has several ex-boyfriends that were fairly serious, but there’s only one that I’m concerned with now (we will call this one “Tiny Dancer” as he is 5’4″ and apparently a truly insane dancer). They were together for 3 years, and lived together in Vietnam for 2 of those, biking all across the country. They too had discussed marriage and where they were going to move for B-school etc etc when HE dumped HER. Moved back here, were apart (and long distance) for 6 months as she was dating a bunch of different dudes…he decided he wanted her back, she said emphatically no (well, at least to hear her tell it) but stayed in pretty close contact via text, phone, facebook. When she and I started getting serious, I was aware that TD existed and even that they were still close–something I was totally okay with because 1. I have a super serious ex in my past that I am still close with (that I really do genuinely have no romantic feelings for anymore despite her still having them for me) 2. Despite their still keeping in close contact, she did tell him a couple weeks ago that she was with me and that it was serious and that he needed to move on and apparently he got super butthurt. But still, I’ve always been a little wary, something that has gone nuclear because…

He is VISITING here in NYC for a week, starting on Friday.

WAH WAH.

He is *not* staying with her, but they are planning on seeing each other a pretty good amount this weekend. Friday night they’re going out dancing (I’ve been invited, along with a bunch of her other friends), and Saturday they’re going on a 6-hour bike ride together.

We’re going to see each other on Sunday afternoon and night and then next week I guess is up in the air but like….I am a little bit uncomfortable with this; PP is really freaking out because “this is so intense, I spent 3 years with him every moment and haven’t seen him in 8 months”, and also because she is afraid that either he will get really upset seeing the two of us interact, or I will seeing them.

So her solution is going on a six-hour bike ride without you. Good call on that one.

My current plan has been to be as supportive as possible, and also to hope that he and I can hang out with her friends and really make things not uncomfortable–I’m a hardcore extrovert and usually really good at turning what should be dicey situations into happyhappyjoy times. TD seems like a good dude (we have the same go-to karaoke song, “Regulators”) and I do think we could be friends. But I guess what I’m asking is, should I be concerned, how do I play this, and how do I make sure that I keep the girl of my dreams when there are exes she still has memories of actively trying to win her back?

Hoping you guys can help me one last time so I never have to write again,
Big Dick Bandit

Well, first and foremost, your girlfriend has some pretty terrible judgment, and it was stupid of you to stand idly by while she made crazy plans with the ex-boyfriend she traveled Vietnam with and spent three years with. Just an absolute fuckload of stupidity. “Say, this ex-boyfriend is a really good dancer and used to take long bike rides with my girlfriend when they dated. Well, they should definitely go out dancing and take a long bike ride since he’s in town.”

Here’s a rough guideline for things that are okay for exes to do with each other when they have moved on to date someone else:

  • Meet for coffee.
  • Catch up over a drink.
  • Send occasional texts/emails/Facebook messages to wish the other well or say happy birthday.

Now, those guidelines are flexible for well-adjusted grown-ups who meet with people from their distant past, but basically the rule of thumb is this: the amount of contact two people who’ve broken up have should be inversely related to how long and serious their relationship was, and directly proportional to how recent the breakup was (side note: if your ex is still into you, you shouldn’t be friends with her, asshat).

Now, this Tiny Dancer guy is probably a good dude. Your girlfriend loved him before she loved you, so you two probably have a lot more in common than just karaoke songs. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try to fuck her if he gets the chance. I’m not trying to plant seeds of worry or jealousy, but it’s hard to be friends with a guy who wants to bang your girlfriend.

Frankly, the problem isn’t him, but your girlfriend. It’s completely fucked up if PP WANTS to go on a six-hour bike ride with her ex. She’s supposed to be in love with YOU, which means understanding that it’s disrespectful to have this long time alone with a guy who is very clearly still into her. At the same time, you’re now backed into a corner, because you can’t say that she CAN’T go, or else you look like a controlling, jealous boyfriend, and that opens a window for TD.

So what do you do? Fuck, man, I don’t know. I guess talk to your girlfriend and try to find out why, if she loves you so much, she needs to spend all this time with her ex-boyfriend. If she wants him to still be a part of her life, that seems reasonable, but if he wants to hang out with her, he can hang out with BOTH of you.

That bike ride is some horse shit.

PS oh, right, Fantasy Football…should I trade Fitzgerald for Mendenhall or Blount, both of whom have been offered to me? Thanks.

Blount. But I’m really only saying that because I hate the Steelers.

(GIFs via fuckyeaharchergifs)